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They don’t live close, no help from them. They feel it’s wrong, leaving Gma alone. I’m so tired of being judged & I feel so guilty!!!

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Insist that they come one at a time and stay for a month doing everything you did daily. Then they can decide which one of them will take her to their house for permanent caregiving. Oh, yes, remember to give them aging care website to help them get through the day.

Unless you deal with it you have no idea how difficult the actual day to day care is.

Don't let them bully you into keeping her home.
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Lostinva May 5, 2019
You’re absolutely right, no idea! They just get upset with me that I get upset with Mom!! She can work in your last nerve! Nasty, nasty!!!
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No they don't know the struggle, and unless they are willing to get off their butts and help out then they have no say. And how do they get to say you will leave her alone? You will probably go see her and oversee her care, and that will take time too.
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Lostinva May 5, 2019
Yes, she will only be 15-20 minutes from us & as a nurse, I tend to assess & oversee everything!!!! My kids know I wouldn’t allow her to be in a hell hole or mistreated!!
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It is really easy for people who aren’t involved in the day to day care of an elder to sit on their butts & give their opinions. Your children think it’s wrong to leave grandma alone? What a bunch of hypocrites, they have left her alone themselves, have they not? My response to them would be to ask when they plan to come take care of her?
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Lostinva May 5, 2019
Thankyou so much, you did my heart good, my eyes are being opened! More support on this site than I’ve had in months!!!
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My brother does all the CG for mother. he has help, he simply chooses t not let the rest of us sibs in to lighten his load. We KNOW 24/7 care is simply untenable.

Yes--get the kids on board. I doubt they would last a day, forget about a month!

Take a short vacay and enlist their aid for 2-3 days apiece. see what falls off the tree after that. Likely they'll be helping you pack her things.
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Lostinva May 5, 2019
You are so right, not a day. I didn’t mention but my only sibling lives 700 miles away & he’s no help either. Just tells me to do whatever I want & he’ll support me!!
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Ah yes, got to love the armchair critics, don't you? Not to mention that Gma is NOT alone in a long term care facility........she's surrounded by people all day long, hello!?
I agree with what the others are saying.....have your 4 children come by and do the caregiving for their grandmother 24/7 and see how long they last. Then you can sit back and give THEM advice while they're breaking their backs! Those who aren't involved just DO NOT get it.
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Lostinva May 5, 2019
I get a lot more critics than support! I have 3 sons & a daughter. The boys definitely wouldn’t help, my daughter lives closest, she doesn’t see Gma in her “glory” though when she’s acting out!!! I’m just tired of being judged on my decisions. Thankyou!!
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You say Us in your profile. Does that mean husband? He can explain to them how hard it was to care for Mom. Really, I had no idea until I had Mom. Its like having a baby again. Worrying they will fall. Do something they shouldn't and don't understand why they can't. Er runs.

You are caring for Mom and placing her somewhere where she will continue getting care and be safe.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 7, 2019
Worse than a baby. Babies grow up. Parents become helpless.
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Well, frankly I'd suggest that they take grandma to live with them! I have a real issue with people who criticize but would never stand up to it themselves.  Since they are actually out of the picture, they get no vote IMO. Drop the guilt.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 7, 2019
Love your answer! My answer is pretty much the same.
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They probably don’t have a realistic understanding regarding how their grandma’s health has changed. It’s hard to accept medical decline and they probably “see” her (ten years or so) younger .

Explain that you waited as long as you could, but you can’t keep her safe. Explain this is doctor-recommended and you can’t keep up with the physical and emotional toll.

They aren’t mad at you, they just are panicked to see their grandmother declining. They want to stop time - and feel that everyone is still “okay.”
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I can honestly say I've been on both sides of this particular issue. When my mother put my widowed grandfather in a nursing home, my brother, sister and I were angry. He was living in his own home next to mom and had caretakers coming in all day. He was usually okay at night. Then, he started getting up at 3 in the morning and wanting to drive. Mom was getting no sleep running next door in the middle of the night and she was working full time. We kids were all out of the house and would come over here and there to do things with him and take him out to give her a break but we had no real idea what she was going through.

Then, a few years ago, Mom was living with me and my kids and started roaming around in the middle of the night. During the day, the kids and I were at work and school and she was alone. Her doctor informed me that she needed 24/7 attention and we just couldn't provide it. It was hard to do, but luckily my brother and sister agreed. They didn't feel they could provide 24/7 care either. She isn't entirely happy in the facility but I take her out for dinner and shopping every weekend. We take her out for events like 4th of July fireworks, etc. I have her overnight from Christmas Eve to Christmas Day. The family assembles for holiday and birthday dinners. Is it an optimal situation for everyone? No, but times have changed. People are living longer now, retiring later if at all, having kids later in life, and families need 2 people working just to survive. I wish there was a better answer but, unfortunately, there isn't. As the baby boomers age, this is going to be a real problem for just about every American family.
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Lostinva May 7, 2019
Thank you so much! I plan on doing those activities with Mom too! In the meantime each day is difficult.
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Enlist their help to visit grandma frequently at the new facility so she doesn't feel displaced. She will soon make new friends and have a new routine.
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There is no need to feel guilty. If you are not able to take on such a big role there is no need to allow your children (who by the way I don't see where they are going to do it) have you feeling guilty. I love to use the line from the airplane emergency instruction with decision I make. You must put the oxygen mask on your self first before you attempt to help any on else with their mask. All that mean to me is if you don't make sure your okay first the you and them will end up going down. Do what you need to do and just make regular visits, have meal with you mom, take her out or have her stay over night on holiday, etc. Keeping your strength in my prayers.
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Lostinva May 7, 2019
Amen! Thank you!
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Let them take in grandma. Let them chew on that answer. People who tell you what to do without walking in your shoes have no business telling you.
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My adult children know that if/when the time comes that I can no longer care for pops I will tell them. They can then decide what to do about that. They can either allow me to place him in a care home or they can take him to live with them. They don't get to put guilt on me for any care-giving choices I make. I'm pretty firm on that issue. I do what's best for both of us and only I get to decide what's best for me. You aren't leaving her alone by placing her in long term care. She will actually have more people around her than she does now.
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Lostinva May 7, 2019
Thankyou for your response. I’m working on the guilt! I’ve cried so much over all of this. A friend has told me that I need to take care of myself or I will go before her!
I did go for a tour of a long term care facility today. Very impressed! I want her there, waiting for Medicaid to go through. I even took myself to lunch & shopped a bit. My dear husband stayed with Mom. I needed this day!
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They can visit grandma wherever she goes just as easily as visiting her at your home. They can call her too, send cards or small gifts.

Encourage them to visit her as often as they can. They should not judge you. She is your mom, their grandma.
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And your childrens' solution to this problem is.....?

Ask them that. In a very neutral tone of voice.
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Lostinva May 9, 2019
I like that! Thank you!!!
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Tell your children, "After me, you come first." Then you make the best decision you can for your parent with the resources available to you. It has been my experience that they will talk, not offer alternative solutions, and because they don't grasp the gravity of the situation until the patient's condition becomes really severe, believe that you are being hasty. Don't worry...they're likely to come around later and tell you that they're sorry for judging. But if you need their validation, you're in a world of trouble.

Although I'm not a Spike Lee fan, as one of the characters in one of his films said, "Always do the right thing."
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It is so difficult when family doesn't agree on the best choice of care.. So I understand how discouraging it is. In my case I let the health professional provide PT , OT evaluations that say her physical health is best met in a facility...meaning she can't live at home by herself. Her primary provider can provide info that indicates she can't live on her own and isn't competent to make independent decisions. If they feel she's lonely, they can visit. Residential facilities can provide a sense of community for the elderly and the sooner they go the better they adapt. Best wishes to you.
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Your guilt and uncertainty is likely the real problem. You should not have to give up your life in the care of your Mother. I would make it clear that you would not expect your own children, who are away having their own lives, to give their lives up to care for you. And that you do not intend to give up your own life to care for your mother. That it is a very hard decision and one that brings with it great guilt, but is the decision you have made. Assure them that you are not going to be running for Sainthood, and that you will do what you can to ease your Mom in this life transition, and hope that they, who seem to care so deeply, will do the same with visits, cards, letters and small gift. There is little else you can do. You will have moments of wishing you WERE a Saint, able to give your life up, and at those times you will feel depressed and hopeless, but I saw a friend literally give up her own life to the care of her mother; the mother outlived her and ended up in care after all. Good luck to you.
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Lostinva May 9, 2019
Thank you for those thoughts, they really hit home!!!
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I know this is easier said than done but all you can do is ignore them. Until they understand what you are going through, as well as what you witnessed as her caregiver, they'll never truly understand or appreciate what you're doing.
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Ask them to step up and take her in to live with them.  If one of them agrees to do it provide a list of all that is expected of them and then see how fast they realize it is not an easy decision you are making but the necessary one.
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Tell them that you are going away for a month and for that period she is their responsibility - and then tell you you plan to do the same every six months, so they will have two months a year to cover, however they like to sort it out between them.
Only by being in your shoes can they have any idea of the difficulties and stress caused.
Hugs to you.
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Lostinva May 9, 2019
we need a vacation. Looking into respite care. I can use a week of calm, no attitude & no ungrateful ness. I hope this will help her transition into LTC
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I would have a family get together for the day... like a home BBQ since Memorial Day is coming up. Then, leave and go to the market for something... leaving them to care for Gma for a few hours... because you know the lines at the market are gonna be long on that day. Now, when you get back and they have cared for her ask them how their time was with Gma! Tell them thats what you do daily.
Blessings
hgnhgn
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my2cents May 9, 2019
They would never get the slightest glimpse into the day of a caregiver if she left the house for only a couple of hours. I like the idea above better - bring them all together for family meeting and tell them she know they are unhappy with possibility of taking g'ma to a facility. Ask straight up, who can step up to the plate for a month-6 months at a time so the role can be rotated. If everyone has an excuse, then the solution becomes a little more clear.
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A friend of mine experienced the same thing from her children when she decided to place her husband with severe dementia in LTC. Unfortunately/fortunately she herself was hospitalized before husband could be admitted. Her kids took care of poor Dad for 3 days before changing their tune. I wanted to remind them that their mom is 20-30 older than they are and on her own to boot. Do not allow the guilt to get to you.
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someday your children may say that if it was o.k. for mom to put her father away then why is it not alright to unload their mother upon someone else?
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NeedHelpWithMom May 8, 2019
Do you really think making her feel guilty is helping? You have no idea how difficult this is for her. She deserves support, not judgment or negative criticism. That is not constructive criticism. Constructive criticism can be helpful. Try to see things from the OP’s point of view.
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Can you put her in long term care close enough so that you can check in on her often to make sure that she is being treated well? She will not be alone in LT care - there will be many aides and other residents - it is often more social than living at home. Try not to feel guilty. You are entitled to have a life, too!
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Lostinva May 9, 2019
Yes, one that I found is 20 minutes away. Believe me, she’ll call me every day & complain!!!
I want my life too, you’re right. We’re newly retired & haven’t been able to truly enjoy!
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I've said it before...those that don't do this, don't get it, however, they seem so eager to tell us what to do! (admittedly, I didn't get it before I did it either). They just don't understand, and a little understanding can go a long way. In other words, let them take care of her for a minute or two. Then, it'll all come full circle and alas they will understand. And if it doesn't go that way? Heck let them take care of her if they are capable of doing so. Whatever it takes to keep her safe and healthy. And the guilt thing? Once again I say, has NO part in any of this. If you know you are doing the best you can with what's been handed to you? Then do the best you can, even if others, even your children, (which is rough), don't agree with you. Good luck to you! You are NOT alone in this struggle.

And one more time. Easy to say, difficult to do sometimes. BUT LET THE GUILT GO!!! Serves no purpose other than punishing yourself with a powerful, however, senseless, emotion.
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Lostinva May 9, 2019
Thankyou so much, I’m working on it!!
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IF they hate their elder going to a facility, they need to help, or get off your back! No one can keep being a martyr to any cause...people will treat one badly; can get quite ugly. Sounds like your situation? Your kids got used to you doing everything to keep things going? It’s out-of-line for any to criticize the one doing the bulk of the work, without offering better solutions, at least!
Is e$tate involved, kids might wish for, but facility costs would eat? It’s G’ma's!
Fear having to repay welfare for care costs? Then, need better planning, & them significantly helping!
LOVED suggestion of inviting them to holiday BBQ @ your place, then finding reason for store run [for hours], leaving 'em stranded caring for G’ma!! Make sure to post complicated schedules on the fridge, instruct them where to find diaper-duty clean up supplies, instruct on processes needed to get things done, careful of delicate skin, choking, fainting, falls, transfers, etc.; remember to chart everything done all day!
Maybe you could respond to their criticism by [assuming you are all still talking with each other?]:
--- 1st tell them you understand their feelings, since you also feel terrible, faced with this solution; you never wanted this to happen, but things got too bad, & can’t think of anything else better; assert you never wanted a facility for your elders, & never for yourself, either!
--- If they've not seen or done it themselves, tell them, in all the gory details, succinctly, why keeping G'ma at home, by yourself, has become impossible for you. Let them fully understand why you need to move grandma out.
--- If needed, take a more dire tactic:
Ask: "Have you planned to take care of both [you & grandma] in their homes, since [you’ve] reached breaking-point, unable to live like this any longer?
Some even put it this way:
“Do you really hate me so much, that you’d want me to get sick & die, because of being coerced into continuing as sole caregiver for Grandma at home?”
Tell them that you have used yourself up, describing, in short sentences, how.....& can’t continue with things as they are.
--- Tell them you really rather they’d give some viable solutions, other than the nursing home.
Ask them if they’re willing to move grandma into their homes, to prevent her ending in a facility?
--- ASK them questions, like, “What would you do, if you were in my shoes?”
--- You might ask them if they’re willing to go to counseling with you, to help resolve their feelings about this; get help before the family shatters..or you do.
And....You might get some odd behaviors after that.
They might suddenly lack time to talk. They might get angrier.
They might try to piffle-off the seriousness of your situation.
They MIGHT just have been ignorant of how dire your situation has become.
It’d be real amazing, if any of them volunteered to take Grandma into their homes for full-time care. Or even volunteered to take care of grandma in your house, several days per week, so G'ma can stay, but giving you some drastically needed me-time.
But you will learn things about your kids, you never knew for sure, before.
They MIGHT come up with a solution that works....Might stop blocking & criticizing you, for wanting to put G'ma in a facility.
OR...worst case scenario, they will stay mad, keep criticizing....might resort to threatening you...In that case, make sure You make good plans for when You can’t fend for yourself....because if they keep being that way, it’s highly probable they will put you in a facility at the 1st signs of your needing help with anything.
I really hope discussing it w/ them results in good solutions, & that they finally understand your needs too.
BTW...this site has amazing caregivers sharing experiences, being supportive, commiserating, etc. I don’t know what I’d have done, without this site.
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Lostinva May 9, 2019
We were going to a support group at our church but this site has been a life saver to me. I definitely need the support of those that have been there. I’ve cried myself sick but would never call one of my kids. A best friend listens, doesn’t condemn!! I worried her, said she’s never seen me so distraught. I get there at least 1-2 times a week!!
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Do the 4 have a better plan? Chances are - no, they do not. So how can they make a judgement call if there's "no help from them." Answer - they cannot. YOU are doing the right thing. The end.
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Hi Lostinva
I agree with Chimonger and
others. but it sound like you're out numbered in terms of family feedback. This
may have already been suggested, but sometimes we have to make a point without
making a point. Suggestion: I would have a family meeting (perhaps invite
everyone over for dinner) and while you're having dessert or coffee, mention
that you how know how concerned they are about "grandma’s" welfare, but
that based on your own health, (if you don’t have any now, stress of caregiving
can lead to poor health), and you simply can't handle the care alone anymore.
BUT then say: - how about having grandma stay with each one of you for a 6 months span - after all I know you're concerned and you probably don't get to see her as much as you'd like - then suggest grandma start the visit with the one who criticizes the most and go from there.
Also, make sure you take your napkin and hold it to cover your face to keep from bursting out laughing when everyone starts giving excuses as to why they can't take care of grandma. And If it goes as I suspect, have some brochures on hand of facilities that would give the type of care grandma needs and suggest they come with you to check them out.

This may sound kind of off beat,
but unless you are doing the "36-hour day" as a caregiver other
family members really don't understand what's required mentally, physically,
emotionally to be a caregiver. And let them know you are simply can’t handle
the burden alone any longer and if they can't or unable step forward and share
the burden,  you plan to start looking at
facilities to place her as soon as possible.
p.s. If nothing else, you'll
probably get a laugh watching them squirm, make excuses about why they can’t
take care of her – or maybe someone will step up to the plate and give the help
you need.  Good Luck!!
Glo Bee
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moecam May 8, 2019
I couldn't have said it better - let them squirm - you need to protect your own wellbeing before you need a placement yourself
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They don’t have a right to place a guilt trip on you. Until they've walked in your shoes, ignore their manipulative behavior. Just come up with a pat statement when they carry on "l'm so glad you care. And so do I, but my insight is greater than yours" and then let it drop. When they began to argue just repeat the same statement but don’t get I to arguments over it as it will lead to nowhere. Do what’s best for your mom and for you. That is the bottom line. Hugs!
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Lostinva May 9, 2019
Thankyou so much for the encouragement, I will try that!! Today I thought I’d take her to lunch & get her nails done. What a day! The more I try, the more ungrateful she is. It was sad trying to find a mother’s day card today. She’s my Mom but these cards don’t represent my feelings anymore & that’s sad.
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