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They don’t live close, no help from them. They feel it’s wrong, leaving Gma alone. I’m so tired of being judged & I feel so guilty!!!

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I’m glad mom finally got her Medicaid approval! I hope a spot opens up in the nursing home soon!
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Reply to worriedinCali
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In my state you only have 90 days to get her into a facility. You may want to check this out with Medicaid.
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You just answered your own question. Your kids have no idea what it takes to be a caregiver 24/7. Do whatever you feel is best. I’m going through the same thing. I’ve had mom for 8 years and my health is failing. I have no family, and I need a break!! Can’t do it any longer. Just research the best facilities for your mom. Visit and see for yourself. Ask for recommendations. Good luck. My heart goes out to you.
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Lostinva Jun 22, 2019
Thankyou! Mom was approved for Medicaid this week. Took only a month, I’m impressed!! SS told me to call the facility I picked & let them know. With this, she should move up on the list!! Hopefully things will continue in the right direction. She’s not happy but I’ve had enough. She’s being overly sweet which is not her for sure. Guess she thinks I’ll change my mind.
I hope things turn around for you, this isn’t an easy life but we deserve one too! We put my mom in respite care for 10 days while we went on a much deserved vacation. She went to an AL, expensive but worth it! Do that for yourself too!!
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This might be the 'kick in the butt' that tells you that something needs to change. Has you mom ever had a trip to the ER? Next time one is needed, refuse to take her home. The hospital will find a place for her. It is the only way.
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Lostinva Jun 22, 2019
Read my latest response. LTC is in the works but if she should have an ER visit, you’re right, she move up to the top of the list if a room available. Thank you
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@fairieflies- “ I hope and pray that my children KNOW that it's perfectly "alright" to "unload" me on someone else for care. It's well past time to end the generational cycle of guilt that enslaves one generation to another. Care-giving should be a choice freely made NOT something that MUST be done. “
Most excellent quote.
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Lostinva Jun 22, 2019
We continue to talk & Im sure once she’s placed, the guilt will start all over again. I’m more prepared to handle it now. Thank you
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You have to get the other 'kids' to visit and have them spend the day alone with Grandma to understand. One full day just might be enough.

My kids love my father but they don't get to see the guy I have to deal with so I always look like this terrible person. When we were getting ready to move him to AL and needed to pack up or get rid of his things I got my daughter to take a Saturday morning with him so I could get a break as I was going there every night after work. She got to see it. Now she knows why I am always so frustrated with him.

My coworker was dealing with her mother. Both her sons who lived far away expected her to convert her condo into a hospital room and keep grandma there. They expected her to get aids while she was at work but other than that spend 24/7 with grandma who was quite nasty. They said it was her responsibility. Some people are completely oblivious to what is truly involved.
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Lostinva Jun 21, 2019
You are so right, they have no idea. My daughter lives fairly close & was here last weekend. She saw her Gma in all her glory & told me later that she was sorry she said anything & that “Gma is crazy”! Lol! I can’t do this 24/7 any longer. She acted out this am, verbally abusive & my husband walked out the door. My marriage is more important than her constant wants & needs! Friends call & all I can do is cry. Thank goodness for those that truly understand. Thank you for your post, needed that!!!
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Perhaps they are worried that any future inheritance will be dwindled away
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Lostinva Jun 21, 2019
Nope, Mom has nothing.
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Please don’t feel guilty. Perhaps don’t discuss it with them until it is done. Tell what you have just told us. If they press it then ask them to take her in and look after her. She’s not alone. There are people all around her. What do they think is going to happen? They have no idea. Tell them visiting often would be great. Make up roster between them. And share their care
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Reply to PandabearAUS
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They're happy to judge, are they?

So, when will they be happy to volunteer?

Tell them you're quite unhappy enough about YOUR mother needing this level of care without their making it worse. Unless that's the idea, they can just cut it out.

Ooo! So cross on your behalf!
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Lostinva Jun 21, 2019
The son that gives me the most guilt lives in Seattle. Other 2 sons in Phoenix & Sarasota. Son in Phoenix got upset with his brothers & told them they had no idea what mom was going through & to lay off. Daughter here now “sees” it. So, maybe coming around some. Btw, I live in Va, boys aren’t close.
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Why do your children have an opinion in this matter? Are they stepping in to be the caregiver?

What is their alternate plan?
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Lostinva Jun 3, 2019
The 3 that aren’t around her every day & live far away, only 1 agrees with me. My daughter, who lives 1 hour away & sees Gma totally understands since being around her more. My daughter took Gma yesterday out shopping & to eat & my mom was horrible!! Complain, nasty!!! I doubt if she’ll ever take her again & I don’t blame her. Now she understands what we’ve gone through & knows LTC is the answer before she destroys our sanity!!
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My quick answer to others knowing what is best for a situation that they don't understand is, "She who sweeps the floor, picks the broom. "

The other thing I have told my (useless but opinionated) BIL is that his advice will be given consideration in direct relation to his help.

So, like everyone else on here has said...do what you need to in order to take care of yourself. Let go of the guilt - you don't deserve it. They are all right.
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Lostinva Jun 1, 2019
Thank you so much for your comment. I will remember the line about advice, good one!! This also will work with my brother who is not against LTC but does nothing to help otherwise. Likes to give advice but that’s it.
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You will likely need to get the help and counseling of a good licensed social worker who deals with end of life issues or a psychologist so you can stand up strong right where you need to be. Guilt is a part of life. We are none of us strong enough to die saints and martyrs. The answer for your children is a loving and gentle "I wish I were strong enough to do it all, but I am not, and there is no one to help me with it; I must make my own decisions about it. Know that I have already judged myself as lacking, so your time spent judging me will be a waste of time for you, and overkill for me. You will face your own decisions some day in your care of me, and will be revisiting all these issues with a different perspective. Know that I know NOW that your lives come first; they are the only lives you will get. And whatever I say then I understand now your decisions for me in the future". There is nothing you can do to make them understand now. You owe it to yourself not to throw your life away. You know your limits. Stay within them. And again, guilt? That is the American way. Welcome it in as but another feeling, among many, that will come and go like weather fronts.
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Lostinva May 31, 2019
Thank you so much! We’ve had conversations, they’re coming around except for 1!!!
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Just wondering how old are your children? Also I was wondering what type of long term care have you chosen for your mother: Skilled, Assisted, or Memory?
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Lostinva May 31, 2019
Mom needs skilled long term care. We are 70! Our children are 50, 49, 46 & 41!!!! I don’t want them to go through what we have with us!! Hopefully they’ll continue to watch & understand!!
We’re healthy but we never know what will come our way, do we?
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Each one needs to spend an entire long weekend with Gma doing everything for her. That should shut them up. 4 days.

Say something like "I'm so glad you care so much about her. She wants to come stay with you this weekend while I get a much-needed vacay. What time do I need to have her over to your house to stay with you?"

Of course, there will be every excuse imaginable from every single one of them as to why they cannot do this now or ever.

They are simply IGNORANT of what is involved. You owe them no explanation. Gma is complaining to them and they are listening to her.
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Reply to XenaJada
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Some idea's:

1.
Find out how much it will cost to have home care for your Mom and send each one of your children a letter detailing the cost of health care, food and other expenses involved in taking care of their grandma. And say if they want Gma to stay at home, they will each have to divide the cost among themselves. And ask if they would like to have a direct deposit from their paychecks or do they want to pay up front. Lesson 1: it is easy to judge someone else's actions when you have no skin in the game!

2. Tell them you have to go away from the area for four weeks and will put the care of their dear grandma in each one of their hands for one week. Upon your return, you will have a family meeting and discuss Gma's situation. Lesson 2: Until someone walks in someone else's shoes, they can't make a fair assessment of what actions/behaviors should take place.

Lesson 3 for your children:
It is painful to see someone you love suffer but trying to manipulate another family ( their Mom) take the entire burden upon themselves is unfair and unkind.
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Reply to ellenH6
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They don’t have a right to place a guilt trip on you. Until they've walked in your shoes, ignore their manipulative behavior. Just come up with a pat statement when they carry on "l'm so glad you care. And so do I, but my insight is greater than yours" and then let it drop. When they began to argue just repeat the same statement but don’t get I to arguments over it as it will lead to nowhere. Do what’s best for your mom and for you. That is the bottom line. Hugs!
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Lostinva May 9, 2019
Thankyou so much for the encouragement, I will try that!! Today I thought I’d take her to lunch & get her nails done. What a day! The more I try, the more ungrateful she is. It was sad trying to find a mother’s day card today. She’s my Mom but these cards don’t represent my feelings anymore & that’s sad.
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Hi Lostinva
I agree with Chimonger and
others. but it sound like you're out numbered in terms of family feedback. This
may have already been suggested, but sometimes we have to make a point without
making a point. Suggestion: I would have a family meeting (perhaps invite
everyone over for dinner) and while you're having dessert or coffee, mention
that you how know how concerned they are about "grandma’s" welfare, but
that based on your own health, (if you don’t have any now, stress of caregiving
can lead to poor health), and you simply can't handle the care alone anymore.
BUT then say: - how about having grandma stay with each one of you for a 6 months span - after all I know you're concerned and you probably don't get to see her as much as you'd like - then suggest grandma start the visit with the one who criticizes the most and go from there.
Also, make sure you take your napkin and hold it to cover your face to keep from bursting out laughing when everyone starts giving excuses as to why they can't take care of grandma. And If it goes as I suspect, have some brochures on hand of facilities that would give the type of care grandma needs and suggest they come with you to check them out.

This may sound kind of off beat,
but unless you are doing the "36-hour day" as a caregiver other
family members really don't understand what's required mentally, physically,
emotionally to be a caregiver. And let them know you are simply can’t handle
the burden alone any longer and if they can't or unable step forward and share
the burden,  you plan to start looking at
facilities to place her as soon as possible.
p.s. If nothing else, you'll
probably get a laugh watching them squirm, make excuses about why they can’t
take care of her – or maybe someone will step up to the plate and give the help
you need.  Good Luck!!
Glo Bee
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moecam May 8, 2019
I couldn't have said it better - let them squirm - you need to protect your own wellbeing before you need a placement yourself
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Do the 4 have a better plan? Chances are - no, they do not. So how can they make a judgement call if there's "no help from them." Answer - they cannot. YOU are doing the right thing. The end.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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IF they hate their elder going to a facility, they need to help, or get off your back! No one can keep being a martyr to any cause...people will treat one badly; can get quite ugly. Sounds like your situation? Your kids got used to you doing everything to keep things going? It’s out-of-line for any to criticize the one doing the bulk of the work, without offering better solutions, at least!
Is e$tate involved, kids might wish for, but facility costs would eat? It’s G’ma's!
Fear having to repay welfare for care costs? Then, need better planning, & them significantly helping!
LOVED suggestion of inviting them to holiday BBQ @ your place, then finding reason for store run [for hours], leaving 'em stranded caring for G’ma!! Make sure to post complicated schedules on the fridge, instruct them where to find diaper-duty clean up supplies, instruct on processes needed to get things done, careful of delicate skin, choking, fainting, falls, transfers, etc.; remember to chart everything done all day!
Maybe you could respond to their criticism by [assuming you are all still talking with each other?]:
--- 1st tell them you understand their feelings, since you also feel terrible, faced with this solution; you never wanted this to happen, but things got too bad, & can’t think of anything else better; assert you never wanted a facility for your elders, & never for yourself, either!
--- If they've not seen or done it themselves, tell them, in all the gory details, succinctly, why keeping G'ma at home, by yourself, has become impossible for you. Let them fully understand why you need to move grandma out.
--- If needed, take a more dire tactic:
Ask: "Have you planned to take care of both [you & grandma] in their homes, since [you’ve] reached breaking-point, unable to live like this any longer?
Some even put it this way:
“Do you really hate me so much, that you’d want me to get sick & die, because of being coerced into continuing as sole caregiver for Grandma at home?”
Tell them that you have used yourself up, describing, in short sentences, how.....& can’t continue with things as they are.
--- Tell them you really rather they’d give some viable solutions, other than the nursing home.
Ask them if they’re willing to move grandma into their homes, to prevent her ending in a facility?
--- ASK them questions, like, “What would you do, if you were in my shoes?”
--- You might ask them if they’re willing to go to counseling with you, to help resolve their feelings about this; get help before the family shatters..or you do.
And....You might get some odd behaviors after that.
They might suddenly lack time to talk. They might get angrier.
They might try to piffle-off the seriousness of your situation.
They MIGHT just have been ignorant of how dire your situation has become.
It’d be real amazing, if any of them volunteered to take Grandma into their homes for full-time care. Or even volunteered to take care of grandma in your house, several days per week, so G'ma can stay, but giving you some drastically needed me-time.
But you will learn things about your kids, you never knew for sure, before.
They MIGHT come up with a solution that works....Might stop blocking & criticizing you, for wanting to put G'ma in a facility.
OR...worst case scenario, they will stay mad, keep criticizing....might resort to threatening you...In that case, make sure You make good plans for when You can’t fend for yourself....because if they keep being that way, it’s highly probable they will put you in a facility at the 1st signs of your needing help with anything.
I really hope discussing it w/ them results in good solutions, & that they finally understand your needs too.
BTW...this site has amazing caregivers sharing experiences, being supportive, commiserating, etc. I don’t know what I’d have done, without this site.
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Lostinva May 9, 2019
We were going to a support group at our church but this site has been a life saver to me. I definitely need the support of those that have been there. I’ve cried myself sick but would never call one of my kids. A best friend listens, doesn’t condemn!! I worried her, said she’s never seen me so distraught. I get there at least 1-2 times a week!!
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I've said it before...those that don't do this, don't get it, however, they seem so eager to tell us what to do! (admittedly, I didn't get it before I did it either). They just don't understand, and a little understanding can go a long way. In other words, let them take care of her for a minute or two. Then, it'll all come full circle and alas they will understand. And if it doesn't go that way? Heck let them take care of her if they are capable of doing so. Whatever it takes to keep her safe and healthy. And the guilt thing? Once again I say, has NO part in any of this. If you know you are doing the best you can with what's been handed to you? Then do the best you can, even if others, even your children, (which is rough), don't agree with you. Good luck to you! You are NOT alone in this struggle.

And one more time. Easy to say, difficult to do sometimes. BUT LET THE GUILT GO!!! Serves no purpose other than punishing yourself with a powerful, however, senseless, emotion.
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Lostinva May 9, 2019
Thankyou so much, I’m working on it!!
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Can you put her in long term care close enough so that you can check in on her often to make sure that she is being treated well? She will not be alone in LT care - there will be many aides and other residents - it is often more social than living at home. Try not to feel guilty. You are entitled to have a life, too!
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Lostinva May 9, 2019
Yes, one that I found is 20 minutes away. Believe me, she’ll call me every day & complain!!!
I want my life too, you’re right. We’re newly retired & haven’t been able to truly enjoy!
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someday your children may say that if it was o.k. for mom to put her father away then why is it not alright to unload their mother upon someone else?
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NeedHelpWithMom May 8, 2019
Do you really think making her feel guilty is helping? You have no idea how difficult this is for her. She deserves support, not judgment or negative criticism. That is not constructive criticism. Constructive criticism can be helpful. Try to see things from the OP’s point of view.
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A friend of mine experienced the same thing from her children when she decided to place her husband with severe dementia in LTC. Unfortunately/fortunately she herself was hospitalized before husband could be admitted. Her kids took care of poor Dad for 3 days before changing their tune. I wanted to remind them that their mom is 20-30 older than they are and on her own to boot. Do not allow the guilt to get to you.
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I would have a family get together for the day... like a home BBQ since Memorial Day is coming up. Then, leave and go to the market for something... leaving them to care for Gma for a few hours... because you know the lines at the market are gonna be long on that day. Now, when you get back and they have cared for her ask them how their time was with Gma! Tell them thats what you do daily.
Blessings
hgnhgn
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my2cents May 9, 2019
They would never get the slightest glimpse into the day of a caregiver if she left the house for only a couple of hours. I like the idea above better - bring them all together for family meeting and tell them she know they are unhappy with possibility of taking g'ma to a facility. Ask straight up, who can step up to the plate for a month-6 months at a time so the role can be rotated. If everyone has an excuse, then the solution becomes a little more clear.
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Tell them that you are going away for a month and for that period she is their responsibility - and then tell you you plan to do the same every six months, so they will have two months a year to cover, however they like to sort it out between them.
Only by being in your shoes can they have any idea of the difficulties and stress caused.
Hugs to you.
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Lostinva May 9, 2019
we need a vacation. Looking into respite care. I can use a week of calm, no attitude & no ungrateful ness. I hope this will help her transition into LTC
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Ask them to step up and take her in to live with them.  If one of them agrees to do it provide a list of all that is expected of them and then see how fast they realize it is not an easy decision you are making but the necessary one.
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I know this is easier said than done but all you can do is ignore them. Until they understand what you are going through, as well as what you witnessed as her caregiver, they'll never truly understand or appreciate what you're doing.
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Reply to mmcmahon12000
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Your guilt and uncertainty is likely the real problem. You should not have to give up your life in the care of your Mother. I would make it clear that you would not expect your own children, who are away having their own lives, to give their lives up to care for you. And that you do not intend to give up your own life to care for your mother. That it is a very hard decision and one that brings with it great guilt, but is the decision you have made. Assure them that you are not going to be running for Sainthood, and that you will do what you can to ease your Mom in this life transition, and hope that they, who seem to care so deeply, will do the same with visits, cards, letters and small gift. There is little else you can do. You will have moments of wishing you WERE a Saint, able to give your life up, and at those times you will feel depressed and hopeless, but I saw a friend literally give up her own life to the care of her mother; the mother outlived her and ended up in care after all. Good luck to you.
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Lostinva May 9, 2019
Thank you for those thoughts, they really hit home!!!
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It is so difficult when family doesn't agree on the best choice of care.. So I understand how discouraging it is. In my case I let the health professional provide PT , OT evaluations that say her physical health is best met in a facility...meaning she can't live at home by herself. Her primary provider can provide info that indicates she can't live on her own and isn't competent to make independent decisions. If they feel she's lonely, they can visit. Residential facilities can provide a sense of community for the elderly and the sooner they go the better they adapt. Best wishes to you.
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Reply to Ann2710
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Tell your children, "After me, you come first." Then you make the best decision you can for your parent with the resources available to you. It has been my experience that they will talk, not offer alternative solutions, and because they don't grasp the gravity of the situation until the patient's condition becomes really severe, believe that you are being hasty. Don't worry...they're likely to come around later and tell you that they're sorry for judging. But if you need their validation, you're in a world of trouble.

Although I'm not a Spike Lee fan, as one of the characters in one of his films said, "Always do the right thing."
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