My 4 children are upset that I’m placing their grandma in long term care. They don’t know the daily struggles! Any advice?

Insist that they come one at a time and stay for a month doing everything you did daily. Then they can decide which one of them will take her to their house for permanent caregiving. Oh, yes, remember to give them aging care website to help them get through the day.

Unless you deal with it you have no idea how difficult the actual day to day care is.

Don't let them bully you into keeping her home.

Well, frankly I'd suggest that they take grandma to live with them! I have a real issue with people who criticize but would never stand up to it themselves.  Since they are actually out of the picture, they get no vote IMO. Drop the guilt.

It is really easy for people who aren’t involved in the day to day care of an elder to sit on their butts & give their opinions. Your children think it’s wrong to leave grandma alone? What a bunch of hypocrites, they have left her alone themselves, have they not? My response to them would be to ask when they plan to come take care of her?

I can honestly say I've been on both sides of this particular issue. When my mother put my widowed grandfather in a nursing home, my brother, sister and I were angry. He was living in his own home next to mom and had caretakers coming in all day. He was usually okay at night. Then, he started getting up at 3 in the morning and wanting to drive. Mom was getting no sleep running next door in the middle of the night and she was working full time. We kids were all out of the house and would come over here and there to do things with him and take him out to give her a break but we had no real idea what she was going through.

Then, a few years ago, Mom was living with me and my kids and started roaming around in the middle of the night. During the day, the kids and I were at work and school and she was alone. Her doctor informed me that she needed 24/7 attention and we just couldn't provide it. It was hard to do, but luckily my brother and sister agreed. They didn't feel they could provide 24/7 care either. She isn't entirely happy in the facility but I take her out for dinner and shopping every weekend. We take her out for events like 4th of July fireworks, etc. I have her overnight from Christmas Eve to Christmas Day. The family assembles for holiday and birthday dinners. Is it an optimal situation for everyone? No, but times have changed. People are living longer now, retiring later if at all, having kids later in life, and families need 2 people working just to survive. I wish there was a better answer but, unfortunately, there isn't. As the baby boomers age, this is going to be a real problem for just about every American family.

No they don't know the struggle, and unless they are willing to get off their butts and help out then they have no say. And how do they get to say you will leave her alone? You will probably go see her and oversee her care, and that will take time too.

My brother does all the CG for mother. he has help, he simply chooses t not let the rest of us sibs in to lighten his load. We KNOW 24/7 care is simply untenable.

Yes--get the kids on board. I doubt they would last a day, forget about a month!

Take a short vacay and enlist their aid for 2-3 days apiece. see what falls off the tree after that. Likely they'll be helping you pack her things.

Ah yes, got to love the armchair critics, don't you? Not to mention that Gma is NOT alone in a long term care facility........she's surrounded by people all day long, hello!?
I agree with what the others are saying.....have your 4 children come by and do the caregiving for their grandmother 24/7 and see how long they last. Then you can sit back and give THEM advice while they're breaking their backs! Those who aren't involved just DO NOT get it.

And your childrens' solution to this problem is.....?

Ask them that. In a very neutral tone of voice.

Your guilt and uncertainty is likely the real problem. You should not have to give up your life in the care of your Mother. I would make it clear that you would not expect your own children, who are away having their own lives, to give their lives up to care for you. And that you do not intend to give up your own life to care for your mother. That it is a very hard decision and one that brings with it great guilt, but is the decision you have made. Assure them that you are not going to be running for Sainthood, and that you will do what you can to ease your Mom in this life transition, and hope that they, who seem to care so deeply, will do the same with visits, cards, letters and small gift. There is little else you can do. You will have moments of wishing you WERE a Saint, able to give your life up, and at those times you will feel depressed and hopeless, but I saw a friend literally give up her own life to the care of her mother; the mother outlived her and ended up in care after all. Good luck to you.

A friend of mine experienced the same thing from her children when she decided to place her husband with severe dementia in LTC. Unfortunately/fortunately she herself was hospitalized before husband could be admitted. Her kids took care of poor Dad for 3 days before changing their tune. I wanted to remind them that their mom is 20-30 older than they are and on her own to boot. Do not allow the guilt to get to you.