I am fearful that one more "move" may set my mother back greatly. Any advice?

relwood, I see that you are completely new here. I don't think you have quite caught the tone and purpose of this site. We are all caregivers struggling to do our best. We try very hard to be supportive and constructive, and unless there is clear and continuing cause for it, to not be judgmental.

If that meets your needs, welcome!

Debera, you say that you went years without seeing her because she is very demanding and a difficult personality.

In another post you explain she has been kicked out of one nursing home for her behavior and you are afraid she is headed that direction again.

I say, go ahead with your retirement plans.

If there is time to taper off your visits, that might be good preparation.

Have you discussed the possibility of skyping with the staff there? Would they be willing to help her with that on a regular schedule?

Is there some reason that your unwilling to more her closer to the place you plan to retire to, sounds to me your just looking for people to feel sorry for you, so you won't feel so bad about abandoning your mother

This is a very difficult situation for you. I certainly would not tell her you are moving out of State. I told my mother that we were moving across an ocean and she promptly had a heart attack and died. I don't know if it was co-incidence or not but that is what happened.
If you think you will definitely be able to visit once a month I would gradually phase out your visits down to monthly before you leave and see if she notices, if she accepts that I think you will be home free. Once you get to your new location research the laws in your new State by visiting an elder care lawyer and find out how difficult it would be legally. if it's doable then research places in your new location where you feel she will be comfortable and well cared for and move her.
Best Wishes for your retirement.

Thanks for your response. My initial thought is to come home once a month or so, hire a caregiver to come in one time a week for a couple of hours and Skype weekly?? Maybe a doable solution. Her attorney recommends not moving her to another state (different laws, etc)

Debera, I asked b/c if your mother had reached a certain plateau or certain medical or mental level, and would not be quite as aware of your less frequent visits, that would be one consideration. But if she's quite cognizant of everything and could suffer by the sudden decrease in your visits, that's a different situation.

I'll probably be cyberstoned for this suggestion, but could you compromise or postpone your retirement plans to move to accommodate your mother's needs, or could you make plans to travel frequently through an area that would allow you to continue to visit?

I can't help thinking how lonely I would feel in this situation, and that's most certainly not to guilt trip you or your husband.

Or another alternative might be to decrease the frequency of your current visits to once monthly, not mention the planned move, and continue to see her monthly once you're retiring and traveling. Then the issue of the move wouldn't be such an issue.

We have had these retirement plsns for sometime...she has not been privy to them...but does know we camp and travel in our motorhome

Is the decision/desire "time is now" predicated on your mother's condition or your own retirement plans?

Will be 12 hours away. See her l-2 x week now. She is in a dementia unit...but cognitively is alert most of time. She is wheelchair bound and fairly dependent personality. I went years without seeing her because she is very demanding and a difficult personality.

What are your mom's medical issues? Does she have dementia? Knowing more about her will help us answer your question. How often do you see her now? How far away will you be in the different state?

What are your ideas, thoughts?