I am fearful that one more "move" may set my mother back greatly. Any advice?

she state her mother was more physical than cognitive.. If she is POA thwithout an option for standin of choice to take over as a durable health care surrogate. Might it be in moms best interest for someone in a stable(one place ) residence be the hcs proxy. while mom can have a say. since sounds like their is more than one other. aand is in moms best interest. All poa and surrogate papers have space for up to two alternates. If space left blank. If only one child proxy kow has accident mom left with no care taker even put clause in on heirarchy and if primary unable to be reached.
like other daid if move her closer to siblings who express desire to visit her. she desires visit so propbably be excited to go visit siblings as intro to moving closer. Since if she aware her own person freq visits after moving then involving someone as new friend at facility while visiting. mayhelpguaranted. nothing eb wworking I always tried pairing clients. bussiness necame constructive socislization If it was my mother Id move her closer to siblings. bullhawp about laws diff state yes buthippa law nationwide apply for medivaid if that what she uses make sure time to apply for longterm care cutoffs met apply prior to move on line if medicaid make prior arrangements state change can be done on line.change address prior to move never guaranteed perfect. but from.expertence RVing. things happen. two weeks even a month and having to turn around and go back will.get old.just like trying do do it while working. stress. kills idea of rving. so the skype idea. maybe at first. with decline kinetic touch soothing sounds. voice. That is hadrd to do on skype. where he is they have 34 pts apiece. lockin unit. most can.get up in chair w/c. to rehab strokes etc. other part does the total cares in bed.I move her Then enjoy your retirement RVing skype can be arranged when sybiling there.Dont have to worry about getting back. Skype can be family time and you would know she is looked in on.anf someone closeby in a emergency. that would relive me. I had my brother take my mother to live with him. Figured his son should have grand ma. of course were in same town. tried to warn him she would have stroke prob in a year. I was living on sailboat .she refused to come on even if kept it at a dock. was moored on one of my old bardge mooring when created island back in cove next to mangroves. found her sleeping in the truck on the beach. He got.mad when I told him anbout.her neurologist and stroke she had. Brother had sx and stress. since I was made sure light bill was paid since 12. he doesnt want me around I irritaye him.. always did but he my little brother.Think it more denial now. I seem to still know when something going or has happen w her. I send one of my boys check. several strokes and she calld cops thought someone in house. she always been like that. guess it mean he has laste what I had most of my life. tears my heart told he to make him drive to find me. she did. ran into them on road. hate to see tears because she found my son and my self walking back home. this son was gone a yr and lost.in orlando. son said she only in rehab. but sghe been there since feb. Promised dad look after her. she always doted on brother. figured she could stay w his family has only one child. inlaw in resthome. So Fig I take her back when she.getstoo bad. rate strokes may not happen.ischemia. maybe fdistance makes it easier .peace w my brother. I had him park my dads truck and put up her rings one was pulled off her finger by someone wanted look at it. Never forgive cutting her hair almost to floor wore.in french knot wcut it up.while she sleepimg. threw away her dentures were boke (one) .note dont throw away a persons dentures teeth can be taken out new plate made at fraction cost teeth are the rxpensive part of dentures. anyway. Think you should make sure alt poa and let her be close to other family if she wants. think stroke told 24 hrs left. and shes cognitive as she is now. Noone Ive found wants to be alone. I used to sit w my uncle he thought of me as diff. relatives. he called for me just befote.I was in school made it to door as he passed. 2years he didnt get my name correct except when he thought I was his wife. until just before he passed. Everyday I sat and listened to stories of way back when. fascinating. Remembering he I made them give him full 19 gun salute he was 3 wars and USO. Played taps at Kennedy funeral.

Verbal ization get us kicked out. contd . how was I going to orient him call him back when hes lost. find him when he goes exploring .'me hair pulling because he doehim home wandering.- dog not allowed use to bring him back cannt have dog . his behavior confusin IBS and cdiff hospital gav him from Xithantin.

Just for your information, Beckytodd1, it is not true that "whoever has POA can.appoint another to take their place." Only the principle (Mother) can change the person who holds the POA.

put yourself in your mothers place. only you know your relationship. whoever has POA can.appoint another to take their place if unable to serve. If other siblings willing to give 1on 1 with your mother and offer to.Since your going to be mobile your visits could be family reunions since less frequent.
Skyping may not be possible.
mine now in !memory unit if you can call it that!! acted up Thyamine def w TBI encelopathy Thiamine defimmunesuppression gel in bone marrow. severe arthritis prob due to Thiamine def koskoff werneki encelopathy from thiamine def. added to chronic TBI encelopathy.
he acted up.scared mouthy. he walks ( i got him back walking) he doesnt get bathed I see rough handling under staff facility depending to heavily on nursing students and volunteer nurses to do dressing chamnges etc. Im stuck w him there because he would try go out firedoor and set alarm off. he cannt smike doesnt understand this and it causes dementia from o2 and nicotine .pray they treat him for the hcv going thurs. but bless the hospitalist brought the gall bladder kidney stones renal failure anemia leukopenia chirrosis copd asthma fibrosis all together are multifactoral symptons inc the uti pneumonia chf episodes he kept having every 3 mo or less seizure breakthroughs renal portal hypertension. put him on pieptide bsase TNT dysphasia also symptom Thiamine def maldigestion malabsorption delusions dementia. If hes treated all these symps. together are multifactorial symptoms inc liver failure gastritis diverticulitis ibs prob even the colnon polyp Ca. explain tohe halucinations delusions dementia. I vowed promised taken care of. even when in encelopathic coma pronounced brain dead he knew my voice. didnt recognize me after woke up when inubation removed. bBut when he didnt lately know my voice. How was.I to orient
one marrow

I agree with JoAnn.....your husband is number one and you should go with your dream. If your mom is in a nursing home, she is being taken care of. It sounds like she is a hard person to please. We never know what tomorrow brings and you should go with whatever is best for you as a couple.

DebraB, thanks for the additional info. I think it would make a huge difference to me if the loved one was a challenging patient who had been through multiple facilities. If she's settled in to a place that has things stable, then I too would hesitate to move her.

Is your mother mentally cognizant of the dilemma? If she is, why not ask her what she wants to do? Would she prefer to move back near her sisters?

Debera, it would be very difficult to move her now especially since ahe has been asked to leave other nursing homes. Are they actually nursing homes? Memory care?

I would add that a Geriatric Care Manager would give you some sense of security if one were retained for mom. They would check on her monthly, biweekly, and woyld be cheaper than traveling from NC to Indiana monthly. That way you have someone that becomes well acquainted with mom and will recognize changes in mom that NH staff may not recognize or report. You frequency of visits will decrease, especially in the winter months.

Deb,
Whichever way you choose, please visit this site and post. It will help me. Since you're a mental health counselor, you will understand some of us need closure. Helps me to understand how the decision making process works for some. It is a learning experience, and wishing you a happy retirement!
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Thank you all for your different perspectives, encouragement and allowing me to process this difficult situation. It has been helpful!

Debera - I get it, really. I've never been one to think adult children should sacrifice their own lives and happiness in order to look after their elderly parents. I also understand having a difficult mother - trust me! Your mother is being well cared for in the place you think is the best fit for her. So really - it's all good - any more than that is frosting. Posting here it's impossible to explain every nuance- from asking a question to answering one. You alone know what's best for your mother - snd more importantly what's best for you and your husband. I too, dream of retiring at the beach - just don't think it's in the cards for me - at least not anytime soon. In the end, I think most people really do the best they can - and really isn't that enough?

Joann...thank u...I do feel like i have to follow our dream to travel and live 10 min. from the ocean. We have worked our whole luves saving for this time.

Debera, I have stayed in my town because of grandchildren and my Mom. I have always been there for them. Mom took in a nephew with disabilities when he was 18 she was 81 then expected me to do all that was needed to set him up with SS and a trust. I love him but will have to oversee him for the rest of my life. My husband will be 70. The last 3 years he has helped me take care of a Gson and my Mom. Jis parents are gone. If you feel ur Mom is in good hands then go with ur dream. Your husband is number one.

Rainmom. This is very complicated... perhaps my story made it seem more simplistic than it truly is. My mom is currently in a nursing home that will work with us regarding her behaviors. The last nursing home kicked her out sent her to a psychiatric unit and refused to take her back.... I have found that many nursing homes do this. I had to get an ombudsman involved. I went through many sleepless nights and considered moving her into my home....i was working full time and the stress was taking a toll on my health . I was sick every two monts in bed... I was exposed to pneumonia and cdiff. that's when I decided to retire from my full-time position as a mental health counselor. So I wanted to comply with my dad's wishes get my mom in a better spot.... I feel sorry for my mom I have three stepsiblings and a brother (all live far a
Way nobody will have anything to do with her. I know her family is small but having a nursing home that provides excellent care and we can trust is critical... I found out that she has been kicked out of a couple other nursing home before I was in the picture.
.

You want to travel in your RV. Returning once a month to home base. I don't know if you have extensively traveled in your RV or not, I have. You may decide say, you want to stay the summer in Monterey CA. which is right on the ocean and very cool and beautiful in the summer. Would you be able to go back once a month just to see your mom?
How about moving her back to her original town near her sisters, and sending them money to get a cab to visit her. You went through legal stuff to get her to you, you already know the ropes to get her back.
To me, that sounds like a win-win solution. Different home, since you didn't like the one she was in. She would have visitors, You and your husband would have his dream. You know the old biblical "Leave father and mother and cleave to wife/husband," If you get killed on the road in a traffic accident, what would happen to her? It seems to me, being back near family would be better. I don't envy you. You have my hug. Whatever you do, do not put your life on hold. My husband now feels to old to pursue his original dream. I am so thankful we did his lifelong dream. Life changes, so do our plans.
I honor you for moving her near you, I think it is time to move her back. She will adjust. You can do the legal stuff, you did it once already.

This thread is one that has been on my mind ever since first reading it. I think I would have less problems with it if mom was put back where she might stand a chance of a visit from family. Mom was moved away from what was familar so daughter could be near her / but now daughter wants to take off to travel with hubby. I have no issue with the retirement plans but it does seem mom is getting the crappy end of the stick here and not at her doing - her being a difficult person has nothing to do with it - unless being moved, then left, is some sort of passive aggressive punishment - which I do not believe is the case. As for new state, new laws - I don't get it as mom would be going back to where she was not all that long ago. Realistically- the monthly visits will become further and further apart - Skype will become too hard to manage. Mom will become one of those old ladies we all pity who never get visited. A once a week paid companion is better than nothing but not family and not enough - jmho. Which brings me to my opinion- please don't say I'm judging you - I'm not. I'm giving my opinion which happens to differ from what you probably wanted to hear. That's the risk one takes when putting their issue on an anonymous, public forum. There is no garentee that everyone is going to agree with you and there is no rule regarding having to agree or stay silent. If it was a case of agree or stay silent there would be a lot less interaction on this site! Presenting a different or opposing point can be helpful. Yes, moving a dementia patient is hard. Yes, getting mom resettled will be hard - may even mean a delay in hitting the open road. But really, won't it be worth it in the end - to have a clearer conscience regarding your fear that your mom will feel abandoned as you first wrote? If your moms sisters will be near by - do they not have families that are in fact extended family to your mother? Regardless- in the end, you will be gone no matter where your mother is / her living arrangements will not change your life one way or another. So why not put her where she stands a chance of seeing family? Is it really that much extra effort?

My husband and I changed our retirement plans in order to be near my 94-year-old mother in her final years. It isn't the dream we'd planned on, but it felt like the right thing to do. To move from the frail elderly (especially when dementia is involved) in their greatest time of need seems unconscionable.

This is a rough one. I commend you for all you have done and continue to do for you mom, even though you have had a difficult past with her. You're a good person, trying to find a good solution. We all recognize that.

Now, as for your dilemma, it looks like your options are to 1) move and begin your retirement and stay put for now. 2) Take mom with you, move her closer to her sisters, or move her to a NC nursing home.

I too have a vulnerable mother who I lives in a nursing home. I also have a husband who has done the journey whose feeling I have to consider. I think what I would do is go forward with my retirement plans for my husband's sake. Use the service to have someone come in twice a week. In fact, I would start that immediately so you can meet the person, and switch to someone else if need be. Also, by the time you leave, mom will be used to the person, which will be huge.

A lot depends on what you can handle. Only you know whether you would be ok seeing mom once a month and skyping the rest of the time. So try it. If mom loves the caregiver and things are going well, great! It's a win. If not, then thank God, you can always make a change.

Concern about how she would take a move is very real. I would be very hesitant to move my mother at this stage of the game, too. But her resilience may surprise you. If you do end up moving her to a nh in NC, I would visit her a few times a week to start and be really hands-on about getting her involved in activities there. That will help, and eventually, she will adjust. If she's cognizant enough to know she's alone, she's probably doing well enough to adjust to a move (just judging by my own experience with my mom.)

If you get to NC and see that you really want your mom closer, start researching nursing homes and make the move.

As another posted said, I would ask my lawyer what would be involved in a move from his standpoint. Details, so you're aware.

I'm curious, have your aunts been concerned, involved, hands-on in the caregiving at all? Have they been supportive? Do they call/write/visit your mother at all? Do they ask you about her regularly? How she's doing and what she needs? Have they ever sent anything, like a card, or a small gift for your mother? Use the answers to those questions to gauge whether you should even *consider allowing her to go back to their town. I alarms me that they allowed her to be in a poor nursing home.

Good luck. Keep us posted. You have friends here.

DeberaB, I've read through your initial post and the responses. I'm at a bit of a loss.

Moving people with dementia is to be avoided, I agree. Ideally your mother should stay put - happy in a place where they'll have her! :)

But this is a bit thornier than that. You moved her there so that she would be near you and your husband. On one level that was very nice of you: it showed commitment to her care. On another, though, it was for your convenience. Moreover, you and your husband must have known at the time of your retirement plans; but you moved her to be near you anyway.

And now you're shoving off and leaving her to it, not near any of her children at all?

Um. It has to be now?

I agree with you about the undesirability of a move, it is to be avoided if possible, but I still think in this case it's worth thinking about again. 81 year olds with developing dementia are not going to cope with Skype instead, or not for long anyway. So your options are:

1. leave mother where she is, and visit her occasionally. She'll forget you pretty soon, and as she does the incentive to visit will be less, until before long there'll be no point in going at all.
2. put your retirement plans on hold. For one thing, I don't see why you should (though I do think you should have been clear with her about them from the beginning). For another, that could easily lead you down the road of being increasingly impatient for her to, er, get on with it, if I can put it like that. Which would leave you feeling both resentful and ghoulish.
3. look at alternative placements near a) your retirement area or b) one of your sisters' homes.

Me, I'd go for 3 b). You've done your bit.

Deb,

Keep venting, which really helps out. Helps you and helps us understand the whole picture............When is the move programmed for N.C.? Thank you!

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She is 81. Not sure how long she has had dementia. At least 3 years.. She has always had a difficult personality (I suspect Borderline Personality Disorder), now Bipolar and Parkinsons. But she is bright, charming and manipulative. You may know the type. She is wheelchair bound which is a huge hurdle. She is also dependent and will not help herself much (won't go to activities, wants to be waited on). I don't mean to sound negative, but being realistic. I love my mom, but she can wear you out.

How old is your mother?
How long has she had dementia?
What type is it?
What is her physical health like?

Also forgot to say...praying about this...My faith has gotten me through:)

Thank u for your undenrstanding. My husband wsnts to move to NC and continue our retirement dream...he is turning 70 in a few weeks. This past year has exhausted the both of us...My moms attorney is in IN and we are relicating to NC. We own a motorhome and planned on traveling in it monthly to return home. The NH has agreed to assist w Skyping and we have a service we trust who will come 1-2 x per wk.

What does your attorney advise?
Does he have a contact in the area where her sisters live?
Can he help you connect with someone in the sister's town? Ok, they don't drive, but is there dial-a-ride? Even small towns have that.........I think / I hope.
Who takes mom's sisters to appointments, doctors?
Who takes care of your aunts?
Is there someone you could rely on over there? Yes, no, maybe? Free or by the hour? Can you pay for caregiver where sisters live?
Hmmm....................
SKYPE is a wonderful tool ! You can be in the next room or in the next continent and the skypers do not know it. But, you would actually need a person to fire up the tablet, or laptop, or whatever device there is going to be for you to skype with her. Can someone be trusted to get this done? Yes, no, Maybe?
When is YOUR planned move out of state? 1, 2, 3 months?
One month, you have not much time to do the rehearsal one month visit............
Two or Three, yeah, you could and see how she reacts to skyping and seeing YOU in PERSON once per month................
It is so hard to say..............I would try everything "doable" before actually leaving. What does your hubby say / want / to do? That is such a hard thing, you are between your 2 loves, just like me. *another thread, you don't need any more info to weigh you down*. Pray about it, if you believe in prayer. See what great advice others will post. I am so thankful for this site, where I GET HELP, and I CAN HELP others. Truly caring people, and we don't even know eachother, but we are faced with the same challenges to differing degrees. Keep us posted. I care.
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I should add a little more...my moms sisters are elderly and do not drive....so visits would be infrequent..Also my dad told me before he passed that he wanted mom moved from the current nursing home because she was not getting good care there..He had everything set up with the eldercare attorney prior to his death and mom was approved for Medicaid.. Over the past 8 months we have moved her twice, handled all pwork (complicated as dad was retired military, cleaned and painted her home and sold and continue to care for her... All these things my dad wanted and we were happy to do. We arent sure we want to find another attorney and start this process over in another state with different laws. Our attorney has been a blessing! Hope this fills in some of the blanks.

I want to preface this by saying it's my opinion not a judgement. Okay - you moved your mother away from her sisters so she'd be closer to you. Now you plan on moving - away. Probably shouldn't have moved her in the first place but that's done. With you moving away your mother will be without family near by - a paid companion is better than no one but not the same as family. Moms sisters are indicating they will at least see her by asking you to move mom back - seems to me that's only fair and right - since you did move her in the first place - but now want to enjoy your retirement- which is understandable. Move your mom back to her sisters seems to be a win-win in my opinion. Mom will have family near by and you won't be tied to even monthly visits - which I am guessing would fall by the wayside eventually anyhow. Put yourself in your mothers position - how would you feel? You indicate your mother is cognizant enough to realize she is alone. Sad situation.

I think it's admirable that you are looking out for your mom's welfare, but it should be possible to have your own retirement, the way you want it and ensure that she is fine.

I might first explore the reason the attorney said to keep her put. Do you know why? I'd explore that. It could involve her finances, trust, insurance, Medicaid, etc. I'd look into those issues and see what makes sense.

I would keep in mind that once you are settled into your retirement in another state, it might not be so easy to visit her once per month. And that is not a horrible thing. She may not be aware of the time between visits.

I would question how much is aware of. Does she actually recall when you visit? My cousin, who is in Memory Care, forgets a visit as soon as I walk out the door. She has no memory of whether I'm there that morning or a week before. So, I'm not bound to be there at any particular time. I just know that when I am there, it brings her comfort and joy, at least for a little while. Plus, I like visiting with her. She is a blessing to me.

I think one of the main things about being near is so you can monitor her condition and be near in case of emergency, but you can set up a way to handle that long distance.

If you really want to move her, I would explore the details of all that involves. I know how it's not advisable, but I moved my cousin to Memory Care and there was no problem at all. She adapted immediately. That's just one case, I know. I think it's matter of weighing the pro and cons.

DeberaB your question is a good one and you've gotten good answers. Every so often, some posters are very judgmental about the struggles us fellow caregivers go through. Forgive them for their rudeness. They may not yet understand that we're all doing the best we can. You obviously care about your mom or you wouldn't be posting on this site about how to best handle your situation. I agree with JeanneGibbs. Go ahead with your plans and don't look back.

I don't know that I need to justify my reason for posting this. I have found that cooperation and brainstorming with others has given me much comfort and new ideas that's the reason for my post.... thank you to everyone who has commented and provided support.