I am fearful that one more "move" may set my mother back greatly. Any advice?

What are your ideas, thoughts?

What are your mom's medical issues? Does she have dementia? Knowing more about her will help us answer your question. How often do you see her now? How far away will you be in the different state?

Will be 12 hours away. See her l-2 x week now. She is in a dementia unit...but cognitively is alert most of time. She is wheelchair bound and fairly dependent personality. I went years without seeing her because she is very demanding and a difficult personality.

Is the decision/desire "time is now" predicated on your mother's condition or your own retirement plans?

We have had these retirement plsns for sometime...she has not been privy to them...but does know we camp and travel in our motorhome

Debera, I asked b/c if your mother had reached a certain plateau or certain medical or mental level, and would not be quite as aware of your less frequent visits, that would be one consideration. But if she's quite cognizant of everything and could suffer by the sudden decrease in your visits, that's a different situation.

I'll probably be cyberstoned for this suggestion, but could you compromise or postpone your retirement plans to move to accommodate your mother's needs, or could you make plans to travel frequently through an area that would allow you to continue to visit?

I can't help thinking how lonely I would feel in this situation, and that's most certainly not to guilt trip you or your husband.

Or another alternative might be to decrease the frequency of your current visits to once monthly, not mention the planned move, and continue to see her monthly once you're retiring and traveling. Then the issue of the move wouldn't be such an issue.

Thanks for your response. My initial thought is to come home once a month or so, hire a caregiver to come in one time a week for a couple of hours and Skype weekly?? Maybe a doable solution. Her attorney recommends not moving her to another state (different laws, etc)

This is a very difficult situation for you. I certainly would not tell her you are moving out of State. I told my mother that we were moving across an ocean and she promptly had a heart attack and died. I don't know if it was co-incidence or not but that is what happened.
If you think you will definitely be able to visit once a month I would gradually phase out your visits down to monthly before you leave and see if she notices, if she accepts that I think you will be home free. Once you get to your new location research the laws in your new State by visiting an elder care lawyer and find out how difficult it would be legally. if it's doable then research places in your new location where you feel she will be comfortable and well cared for and move her.
Best Wishes for your retirement.

Is there some reason that your unwilling to more her closer to the place you plan to retire to, sounds to me your just looking for people to feel sorry for you, so you won't feel so bad about abandoning your mother

Debera, you say that you went years without seeing her because she is very demanding and a difficult personality.

In another post you explain she has been kicked out of one nursing home for her behavior and you are afraid she is headed that direction again.

I say, go ahead with your retirement plans.

If there is time to taper off your visits, that might be good preparation.

Have you discussed the possibility of skyping with the staff there? Would they be willing to help her with that on a regular schedule?

relwood, I see that you are completely new here. I don't think you have quite caught the tone and purpose of this site. We are all caregivers struggling to do our best. We try very hard to be supportive and constructive, and unless there is clear and continuing cause for it, to not be judgmental.

If that meets your needs, welcome!

I don't know that I need to justify my reason for posting this. I have found that cooperation and brainstorming with others has given me much comfort and new ideas that's the reason for my post.... thank you to everyone who has commented and provided support.

DeberaB your question is a good one and you've gotten good answers. Every so often, some posters are very judgmental about the struggles us fellow caregivers go through. Forgive them for their rudeness. They may not yet understand that we're all doing the best we can. You obviously care about your mom or you wouldn't be posting on this site about how to best handle your situation. I agree with JeanneGibbs. Go ahead with your plans and don't look back.

I think it's admirable that you are looking out for your mom's welfare, but it should be possible to have your own retirement, the way you want it and ensure that she is fine.

I might first explore the reason the attorney said to keep her put. Do you know why? I'd explore that. It could involve her finances, trust, insurance, Medicaid, etc. I'd look into those issues and see what makes sense.

I would keep in mind that once you are settled into your retirement in another state, it might not be so easy to visit her once per month. And that is not a horrible thing. She may not be aware of the time between visits.

I would question how much is aware of. Does she actually recall when you visit? My cousin, who is in Memory Care, forgets a visit as soon as I walk out the door. She has no memory of whether I'm there that morning or a week before. So, I'm not bound to be there at any particular time. I just know that when I am there, it brings her comfort and joy, at least for a little while. Plus, I like visiting with her. She is a blessing to me.

I think one of the main things about being near is so you can monitor her condition and be near in case of emergency, but you can set up a way to handle that long distance.

If you really want to move her, I would explore the details of all that involves. I know how it's not advisable, but I moved my cousin to Memory Care and there was no problem at all. She adapted immediately. That's just one case, I know. I think it's matter of weighing the pro and cons.

I want to preface this by saying it's my opinion not a judgement. Okay - you moved your mother away from her sisters so she'd be closer to you. Now you plan on moving - away. Probably shouldn't have moved her in the first place but that's done. With you moving away your mother will be without family near by - a paid companion is better than no one but not the same as family. Moms sisters are indicating they will at least see her by asking you to move mom back - seems to me that's only fair and right - since you did move her in the first place - but now want to enjoy your retirement- which is understandable. Move your mom back to her sisters seems to be a win-win in my opinion. Mom will have family near by and you won't be tied to even monthly visits - which I am guessing would fall by the wayside eventually anyhow. Put yourself in your mothers position - how would you feel? You indicate your mother is cognizant enough to realize she is alone. Sad situation.

I should add a little more...my moms sisters are elderly and do not drive....so visits would be infrequent..Also my dad told me before he passed that he wanted mom moved from the current nursing home because she was not getting good care there..He had everything set up with the eldercare attorney prior to his death and mom was approved for Medicaid.. Over the past 8 months we have moved her twice, handled all pwork (complicated as dad was retired military, cleaned and painted her home and sold and continue to care for her... All these things my dad wanted and we were happy to do. We arent sure we want to find another attorney and start this process over in another state with different laws. Our attorney has been a blessing! Hope this fills in some of the blanks.

What does your attorney advise?
Does he have a contact in the area where her sisters live?
Can he help you connect with someone in the sister's town? Ok, they don't drive, but is there dial-a-ride? Even small towns have that.........I think / I hope.
Who takes mom's sisters to appointments, doctors?
Who takes care of your aunts?
Is there someone you could rely on over there? Yes, no, maybe? Free or by the hour? Can you pay for caregiver where sisters live?
Hmmm....................
SKYPE is a wonderful tool ! You can be in the next room or in the next continent and the skypers do not know it. But, you would actually need a person to fire up the tablet, or laptop, or whatever device there is going to be for you to skype with her. Can someone be trusted to get this done? Yes, no, Maybe?
When is YOUR planned move out of state? 1, 2, 3 months?
One month, you have not much time to do the rehearsal one month visit............
Two or Three, yeah, you could and see how she reacts to skyping and seeing YOU in PERSON once per month................
It is so hard to say..............I would try everything "doable" before actually leaving. What does your hubby say / want / to do? That is such a hard thing, you are between your 2 loves, just like me. *another thread, you don't need any more info to weigh you down*. Pray about it, if you believe in prayer. See what great advice others will post. I am so thankful for this site, where I GET HELP, and I CAN HELP others. Truly caring people, and we don't even know eachother, but we are faced with the same challenges to differing degrees. Keep us posted. I care.
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Thank u for your undenrstanding. My husband wsnts to move to NC and continue our retirement dream...he is turning 70 in a few weeks. This past year has exhausted the both of us...My moms attorney is in IN and we are relicating to NC. We own a motorhome and planned on traveling in it monthly to return home. The NH has agreed to assist w Skyping and we have a service we trust who will come 1-2 x per wk.

Also forgot to say...praying about this...My faith has gotten me through:)

How old is your mother?
How long has she had dementia?
What type is it?
What is her physical health like?

She is 81. Not sure how long she has had dementia. At least 3 years.. She has always had a difficult personality (I suspect Borderline Personality Disorder), now Bipolar and Parkinsons. But she is bright, charming and manipulative. You may know the type. She is wheelchair bound which is a huge hurdle. She is also dependent and will not help herself much (won't go to activities, wants to be waited on). I don't mean to sound negative, but being realistic. I love my mom, but she can wear you out.

Deb,

Keep venting, which really helps out. Helps you and helps us understand the whole picture............When is the move programmed for N.C.? Thank you!

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DeberaB, I've read through your initial post and the responses. I'm at a bit of a loss.

Moving people with dementia is to be avoided, I agree. Ideally your mother should stay put - happy in a place where they'll have her! :)

But this is a bit thornier than that. You moved her there so that she would be near you and your husband. On one level that was very nice of you: it showed commitment to her care. On another, though, it was for your convenience. Moreover, you and your husband must have known at the time of your retirement plans; but you moved her to be near you anyway.

And now you're shoving off and leaving her to it, not near any of her children at all?

Um. It has to be now?

I agree with you about the undesirability of a move, it is to be avoided if possible, but I still think in this case it's worth thinking about again. 81 year olds with developing dementia are not going to cope with Skype instead, or not for long anyway. So your options are:

1. leave mother where she is, and visit her occasionally. She'll forget you pretty soon, and as she does the incentive to visit will be less, until before long there'll be no point in going at all.
2. put your retirement plans on hold. For one thing, I don't see why you should (though I do think you should have been clear with her about them from the beginning). For another, that could easily lead you down the road of being increasingly impatient for her to, er, get on with it, if I can put it like that. Which would leave you feeling both resentful and ghoulish.
3. look at alternative placements near a) your retirement area or b) one of your sisters' homes.

Me, I'd go for 3 b). You've done your bit.

This is a rough one. I commend you for all you have done and continue to do for you mom, even though you have had a difficult past with her. You're a good person, trying to find a good solution. We all recognize that.

Now, as for your dilemma, it looks like your options are to 1) move and begin your retirement and stay put for now. 2) Take mom with you, move her closer to her sisters, or move her to a NC nursing home.

I too have a vulnerable mother who I lives in a nursing home. I also have a husband who has done the journey whose feeling I have to consider. I think what I would do is go forward with my retirement plans for my husband's sake. Use the service to have someone come in twice a week. In fact, I would start that immediately so you can meet the person, and switch to someone else if need be. Also, by the time you leave, mom will be used to the person, which will be huge.

A lot depends on what you can handle. Only you know whether you would be ok seeing mom once a month and skyping the rest of the time. So try it. If mom loves the caregiver and things are going well, great! It's a win. If not, then thank God, you can always make a change.

Concern about how she would take a move is very real. I would be very hesitant to move my mother at this stage of the game, too. But her resilience may surprise you. If you do end up moving her to a nh in NC, I would visit her a few times a week to start and be really hands-on about getting her involved in activities there. That will help, and eventually, she will adjust. If she's cognizant enough to know she's alone, she's probably doing well enough to adjust to a move (just judging by my own experience with my mom.)

If you get to NC and see that you really want your mom closer, start researching nursing homes and make the move.

As another posted said, I would ask my lawyer what would be involved in a move from his standpoint. Details, so you're aware.

I'm curious, have your aunts been concerned, involved, hands-on in the caregiving at all? Have they been supportive? Do they call/write/visit your mother at all? Do they ask you about her regularly? How she's doing and what she needs? Have they ever sent anything, like a card, or a small gift for your mother? Use the answers to those questions to gauge whether you should even *consider allowing her to go back to their town. I alarms me that they allowed her to be in a poor nursing home.

Good luck. Keep us posted. You have friends here.

My husband and I changed our retirement plans in order to be near my 94-year-old mother in her final years. It isn't the dream we'd planned on, but it felt like the right thing to do. To move from the frail elderly (especially when dementia is involved) in their greatest time of need seems unconscionable.

This thread is one that has been on my mind ever since first reading it. I think I would have less problems with it if mom was put back where she might stand a chance of a visit from family. Mom was moved away from what was familar so daughter could be near her / but now daughter wants to take off to travel with hubby. I have no issue with the retirement plans but it does seem mom is getting the crappy end of the stick here and not at her doing - her being a difficult person has nothing to do with it - unless being moved, then left, is some sort of passive aggressive punishment - which I do not believe is the case. As for new state, new laws - I don't get it as mom would be going back to where she was not all that long ago. Realistically- the monthly visits will become further and further apart - Skype will become too hard to manage. Mom will become one of those old ladies we all pity who never get visited. A once a week paid companion is better than nothing but not family and not enough - jmho. Which brings me to my opinion- please don't say I'm judging you - I'm not. I'm giving my opinion which happens to differ from what you probably wanted to hear. That's the risk one takes when putting their issue on an anonymous, public forum. There is no garentee that everyone is going to agree with you and there is no rule regarding having to agree or stay silent. If it was a case of agree or stay silent there would be a lot less interaction on this site! Presenting a different or opposing point can be helpful. Yes, moving a dementia patient is hard. Yes, getting mom resettled will be hard - may even mean a delay in hitting the open road. But really, won't it be worth it in the end - to have a clearer conscience regarding your fear that your mom will feel abandoned as you first wrote? If your moms sisters will be near by - do they not have families that are in fact extended family to your mother? Regardless- in the end, you will be gone no matter where your mother is / her living arrangements will not change your life one way or another. So why not put her where she stands a chance of seeing family? Is it really that much extra effort?

You want to travel in your RV. Returning once a month to home base. I don't know if you have extensively traveled in your RV or not, I have. You may decide say, you want to stay the summer in Monterey CA. which is right on the ocean and very cool and beautiful in the summer. Would you be able to go back once a month just to see your mom?
How about moving her back to her original town near her sisters, and sending them money to get a cab to visit her. You went through legal stuff to get her to you, you already know the ropes to get her back.
To me, that sounds like a win-win solution. Different home, since you didn't like the one she was in. She would have visitors, You and your husband would have his dream. You know the old biblical "Leave father and mother and cleave to wife/husband," If you get killed on the road in a traffic accident, what would happen to her? It seems to me, being back near family would be better. I don't envy you. You have my hug. Whatever you do, do not put your life on hold. My husband now feels to old to pursue his original dream. I am so thankful we did his lifelong dream. Life changes, so do our plans.
I honor you for moving her near you, I think it is time to move her back. She will adjust. You can do the legal stuff, you did it once already.

Rainmom. This is very complicated... perhaps my story made it seem more simplistic than it truly is. My mom is currently in a nursing home that will work with us regarding her behaviors. The last nursing home kicked her out sent her to a psychiatric unit and refused to take her back.... I have found that many nursing homes do this. I had to get an ombudsman involved. I went through many sleepless nights and considered moving her into my home....i was working full time and the stress was taking a toll on my health . I was sick every two monts in bed... I was exposed to pneumonia and cdiff. that's when I decided to retire from my full-time position as a mental health counselor. So I wanted to comply with my dad's wishes get my mom in a better spot.... I feel sorry for my mom I have three stepsiblings and a brother (all live far a
Way nobody will have anything to do with her. I know her family is small but having a nursing home that provides excellent care and we can trust is critical... I found out that she has been kicked out of a couple other nursing home before I was in the picture.
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Debera, I have stayed in my town because of grandchildren and my Mom. I have always been there for them. Mom took in a nephew with disabilities when he was 18 she was 81 then expected me to do all that was needed to set him up with SS and a trust. I love him but will have to oversee him for the rest of my life. My husband will be 70. The last 3 years he has helped me take care of a Gson and my Mom. Jis parents are gone. If you feel ur Mom is in good hands then go with ur dream. Your husband is number one.

Joann...thank u...I do feel like i have to follow our dream to travel and live 10 min. from the ocean. We have worked our whole luves saving for this time.