I am fearful that one more "move" may set my mother back greatly. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

I am fearful that one more "move" may set my mother back greatly. Any advice?

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Moved my Mom closer to me in nursing home after Dad's death. It is a good place. My husb. and I had plans to retire in another state . That time is here and we need to let her know we will not be seeing her as often. I am fearful she will feel abandoned. We plan on seeing her once a month or so and possibly "Skyping" We also may hire a companion to see her one time per week. There are not other family members close by. Her sisters have mentioned moving her back closer to them...but I am fearful that one more "move" may set her back greatly.

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I want to preface this by saying it's my opinion not a judgement. Okay - you moved your mother away from her sisters so she'd be closer to you. Now you plan on moving - away. Probably shouldn't have moved her in the first place but that's done. With you moving away your mother will be without family near by - a paid companion is better than no one but not the same as family. Moms sisters are indicating they will at least see her by asking you to move mom back - seems to me that's only fair and right - since you did move her in the first place - but now want to enjoy your retirement- which is understandable. Move your mom back to her sisters seems to be a win-win in my opinion. Mom will have family near by and you won't be tied to even monthly visits - which I am guessing would fall by the wayside eventually anyhow. Put yourself in your mothers position - how would you feel? You indicate your mother is cognizant enough to realize she is alone. Sad situation.
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relwood, I see that you are completely new here. I don't think you have quite caught the tone and purpose of this site. We are all caregivers struggling to do our best. We try very hard to be supportive and constructive, and unless there is clear and continuing cause for it, to not be judgmental.

If that meets your needs, welcome!
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Debera, I asked b/c if your mother had reached a certain plateau or certain medical or mental level, and would not be quite as aware of your less frequent visits, that would be one consideration. But if she's quite cognizant of everything and could suffer by the sudden decrease in your visits, that's a different situation.

I'll probably be cyberstoned for this suggestion, but could you compromise or postpone your retirement plans to move to accommodate your mother's needs, or could you make plans to travel frequently through an area that would allow you to continue to visit?

I can't help thinking how lonely I would feel in this situation, and that's most certainly not to guilt trip you or your husband.

Or another alternative might be to decrease the frequency of your current visits to once monthly, not mention the planned move, and continue to see her monthly once you're retiring and traveling. Then the issue of the move wouldn't be such an issue.
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This is a very difficult situation for you. I certainly would not tell her you are moving out of State. I told my mother that we were moving across an ocean and she promptly had a heart attack and died. I don't know if it was co-incidence or not but that is what happened.
If you think you will definitely be able to visit once a month I would gradually phase out your visits down to monthly before you leave and see if she notices, if she accepts that I think you will be home free. Once you get to your new location research the laws in your new State by visiting an elder care lawyer and find out how difficult it would be legally. if it's doable then research places in your new location where you feel she will be comfortable and well cared for and move her.
Best Wishes for your retirement.
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Debera, you say that you went years without seeing her because she is very demanding and a difficult personality.

In another post you explain she has been kicked out of one nursing home for her behavior and you are afraid she is headed that direction again.

I say, go ahead with your retirement plans.

If there is time to taper off your visits, that might be good preparation.

Have you discussed the possibility of skyping with the staff there? Would they be willing to help her with that on a regular schedule?
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I don't know that I need to justify my reason for posting this. I have found that cooperation and brainstorming with others has given me much comfort and new ideas that's the reason for my post.... thank you to everyone who has commented and provided support.
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DeberaB your question is a good one and you've gotten good answers. Every so often, some posters are very judgmental about the struggles us fellow caregivers go through. Forgive them for their rudeness. They may not yet understand that we're all doing the best we can. You obviously care about your mom or you wouldn't be posting on this site about how to best handle your situation. I agree with JeanneGibbs. Go ahead with your plans and don't look back.
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Thank u for your undenrstanding. My husband wsnts to move to NC and continue our retirement dream...he is turning 70 in a few weeks. This past year has exhausted the both of us...My moms attorney is in IN and we are relicating to NC. We own a motorhome and planned on traveling in it monthly to return home. The NH has agreed to assist w Skyping and we have a service we trust who will come 1-2 x per wk.
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Rainmom. This is very complicated... perhaps my story made it seem more simplistic than it truly is. My mom is currently in a nursing home that will work with us regarding her behaviors. The last nursing home kicked her out sent her to a psychiatric unit and refused to take her back.... I have found that many nursing homes do this. I had to get an ombudsman involved. I went through many sleepless nights and considered moving her into my home....i was working full time and the stress was taking a toll on my health . I was sick every two monts in bed... I was exposed to pneumonia and cdiff. that's when I decided to retire from my full-time position as a mental health counselor. So I wanted to comply with my dad's wishes get my mom in a better spot.... I feel sorry for my mom I have three stepsiblings and a brother (all live far a
Way nobody will have anything to do with her. I know her family is small but having a nursing home that provides excellent care and we can trust is critical... I found out that she has been kicked out of a couple other nursing home before I was in the picture.
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Debera - I get it, really. I've never been one to think adult children should sacrifice their own lives and happiness in order to look after their elderly parents. I also understand having a difficult mother - trust me! Your mother is being well cared for in the place you think is the best fit for her. So really - it's all good - any more than that is frosting. Posting here it's impossible to explain every nuance- from asking a question to answering one. You alone know what's best for your mother - snd more importantly what's best for you and your husband. I too, dream of retiring at the beach - just don't think it's in the cards for me - at least not anytime soon. In the end, I think most people really do the best they can - and really isn't that enough?
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