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Your mom is free to think whatever she wants, right? Just like we are. The choice comes in what you think about that. How you act or react to what she (or anyone else) thinks? You do what feels best and right for you. And let her be free to think and say and feel what she wants. The less you fight her (or anyone), the less you argue, the less you allow someone to make you feel a certain way you don't want to feel, the less they will. We can never change other people by telling them how we wish they were or how we want them to be. We can only change how they treat us by how we are - how we act - the words, actions, expressions, and tones we use. When she says that, don't respond. Tell her you have to check on something on the stove or use the bathroom or whatever - leave that space for a moment so you don't get involved in having to hear those hurtful words. She'll get the hint eventually. If she wants you near her, with her, she'll know not to say those things that upset you. I love that song "live like you were dying" because it is a splash of ocean water on a sun-warmed face - waking us up to the reality that all we all have is THIS moment. In a split second THINGS - EVERYTHING - ANYTHING can change. Let your mom say and do and be. You are responsible for yourself and if it is in your heart to love her and accept her and care for her unconditionally, then that is what you will do. You can only change yourself and how you choose to act, react, think, be.
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If you're happy with the way your life turned out, the only thing you owe is thanks and telling your mom you love her ... still. Bringing children to the world doesn't automatically make one a parent entitled to charge our offspring for it. Our children's lives shouldn't have to revolve around ours, and making them feel guilty for leaving home and not visiting more often is disgraceful. As a parent, sometimes I couldn't wait for my sons to grow up and get out of the house. They are 29 now, but I miss them dearly. The bottom line is this: from the moment they were born, WE owed them. Not the other way around.
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I love that song to I use it on MY space. You are to honor your mother that is all God says as for owing her anything no you do not did she ever feel like she owed you something just because she brought you into this world? Probably not! Don't let her push your buttons but don't shut down either. or you will end up like some of our deadbeat siblings. Listen to this

He who does nothing accomplishes everything


Do not react when you do you plug into her energy just think and than respon if you have to sometimes I just don't say anything I just think much.\, Good luck to you
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Caregiver 101, I couldn't have said it better. I agree with you. It's hard to re-program yourself and sometimes that is what we have to do. I am trying, despite my guilt and other feelings, to act and not adrgue or try to convince otherwise. I love my mother and I care for her in my home. I wouldn't have it any other way but I have had to change and give me the same kind of care I give everyone else. My friend said that if I treated my friends the way I treat myself I wouldn't have any.

Hang in there Lost Soul.
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Thanks to all of you for your comments and support. I am working on my guilt and trying not to let my mother's problems continue to dominate my life. She doesn't like her caregiver and there really isn't any good reason other than she has become tired of her because she is bored. I won't fire her. Yesterday we got a call that she had fallen out of her recliner which I did not understand. We had to go to the emergency room and she got three staples in her head and her face is bruised. how it happened is now clear. The caregiver had gone up to wash the lunch dishes and she decided to try and stand by herself - which she can't and never does. She held on to the food tray and toppled over. I overheard her conversation when she told her friend that she fell because the caregiver wasn't doing her job. She is becoming meaner and meaner to the caregiver. I am taking care of her wound but am trying not to give her a lot of negative attnention. She had three of us at the hospital and it was a big ordeal including an ambulance. A caregiver comes to our house 8 hours a day while I go to work. She wants someone by her side in case she needs something. I think she is afraid of being alone. The caregiver tells her what she is doing and shere she is going. It doesn't matter. Going through caregivers is disruptive and time consuming. I can't just let anyone into our house and I have to trust the person I leave my mother with all day. I am afraid that by Tuesday she will have told the caregiver it is her fault. There will come a breaking point even if the caregiver knows it's dementia speaking. The caregiver has become the source of all of her malaise and discontent. This is not the first time.
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Rosie,
I am soooo glad that you wrote your post. Too many people think that to honor their parents, they have to sacrifice their own lives. That is just not right. I don't believe that God wants us to suffer, rather be kind and caring and do what is best. That isn't always keeping our parents with us. Sometimes it means providing a safe environment that they can be taken care of by professionals. Respect, yes, owe, no. Thanks so much. Love my mom, but we are nearing the end of what I can do for her.
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Wow! Carmen, are you being too hard on yourself? Your Mom is so fortunate that you love and care for her. We're all on the learning curve, here. Grace. Peace. You have more friends and people who can relate than you know. But sometimes we can be our own worst enemy, so we're told. Bless you. Aren't we all just doing the best we can? Have any arrived at perfection, save one?!
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Why do mom's do this sort of thing to their children? It's as if the main reason they even have babies is to have someone to tell you owe men and look after me when I get old or some go so far as to make the child live their entire lives at home which is a miserable way to exist. I've heard of mothers who have told their children, why do you want to or need to get married for we can meet all your needs.

If you are still at her home, get out and get a life. If she's in your home, it sounds like she needs to get out and get a life. How are her demands impacting the rest of your life?
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Thats how both my parents were as long as I did what they told me and paid them every week everything was okay but the minute I wanted a life of my own life turned to hell. My mother in law went so far to say to a person she didn't have to ride a bus for them to go shopping thats why she had me sorry lady you didn't give birth to me but I did take care of her when she neded it. Just do what you know you are capable of and still have a life and even then there will be uprises. and when you can't handle it anymore than they have to go to the nursing home, I know there are some who are not so good but if you pop in as I did all during the week on no specific time or day they will get better treatment.
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Do not respond when she says things menat to hurt or obligate you.
Ignore those remarks completely. Take the conversation in a different direction, as if she's never made the hurtful remarks.
Alternatively, get up and leave pleasantly, with or without giving
her a reason for your departure. She will know what you're doing.
Sort of like training a pet: do not reward negative or attention-getting behaviors by showing anger, dismay, sadness, etc.
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