Your mom is not your obligation! You were not asked to be brought into this world. That was her choice. You take care of her because you are a good person. What about all the other family members who have "skipped town"? Wow, I hate these guilt trips. Don't listen! And I don't want to hear about your duty to care for your parents from others who don't understand the history of some of our families. You know what a great person you are and so do those of us who have shared our stories. You have my full support and I am glad to call you a friend!!!!! Linda
Your mom is free to think whatever she wants, right? Just like we are. The choice comes in what you think about that. How you act or react to what she (or anyone else) thinks? You do what feels best and right for you. And let her be free to think and say and feel what she wants. The less you fight her (or anyone), the less you argue, the less you allow someone to make you feel a certain way you don't want to feel, the less they will. We can never change other people by telling them how we wish they were or how we want them to be. We can only change how they treat us by how we are - how we act - the words, actions, expressions, and tones we use. When she says that, don't respond. Tell her you have to check on something on the stove or use the bathroom or whatever - leave that space for a moment so you don't get involved in having to hear those hurtful words. She'll get the hint eventually. If she wants you near her, with her, she'll know not to say those things that upset you. I love that song "live like you were dying" because it is a splash of ocean water on a sun-warmed face - waking us up to the reality that all we all have is THIS moment. In a split second THINGS - EVERYTHING - ANYTHING can change. Let your mom say and do and be. You are responsible for yourself and if it is in your heart to love her and accept her and care for her unconditionally, then that is what you will do. You can only change yourself and how you choose to act, react, think, be.
I love that song to I use it on MY space. You are to honor your mother that is all God says as for owing her anything no you do not did she ever feel like she owed you something just because she brought you into this world? Probably not! Don't let her push your buttons but don't shut down either. or you will end up like some of our deadbeat siblings. Listen to this
He who does nothing accomplishes everything
Do not react when you do you plug into her energy just think and than respon if you have to sometimes I just don't say anything I just think much.\, Good luck to you
Caregiver 101, I couldn't have said it better. I agree with you. It's hard to re-program yourself and sometimes that is what we have to do. I am trying, despite my guilt and other feelings, to act and not adrgue or try to convince otherwise. I love my mother and I care for her in my home. I wouldn't have it any other way but I have had to change and give me the same kind of care I give everyone else. My friend said that if I treated my friends the way I treat myself I wouldn't have any.
Wow! Carmen, are you being too hard on yourself? Your Mom is so fortunate that you love and care for her. We're all on the learning curve, here. Grace. Peace. You have more friends and people who can relate than you know. But sometimes we can be our own worst enemy, so we're told. Bless you. Aren't we all just doing the best we can? Have any arrived at perfection, save one?!
Why do mom's do this sort of thing to their children? It's as if the main reason they even have babies is to have someone to tell you owe men and look after me when I get old or some go so far as to make the child live their entire lives at home which is a miserable way to exist. I've heard of mothers who have told their children, why do you want to or need to get married for we can meet all your needs.
If you are still at her home, get out and get a life. If she's in your home, it sounds like she needs to get out and get a life. How are her demands impacting the rest of your life?
Thats how both my parents were as long as I did what they told me and paid them every week everything was okay but the minute I wanted a life of my own life turned to hell. My mother in law went so far to say to a person she didn't have to ride a bus for them to go shopping thats why she had me sorry lady you didn't give birth to me but I did take care of her when she neded it. Just do what you know you are capable of and still have a life and even then there will be uprises. and when you can't handle it anymore than they have to go to the nursing home, I know there are some who are not so good but if you pop in as I did all during the week on no specific time or day they will get better treatment.
Do not respond when she says things menat to hurt or obligate you. Ignore those remarks completely. Take the conversation in a different direction, as if she's never made the hurtful remarks. Alternatively, get up and leave pleasantly, with or without giving her a reason for your departure. She will know what you're doing. Sort of like training a pet: do not reward negative or attention-getting behaviors by showing anger, dismay, sadness, etc.
IF YOU COULD GO THROUGH WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH YOU WOULD JUST SMILE AND SAY YEP I LOVE YOU MOM BUT I HAVE A LIFE. I HAVE GIVEN AND GIVEN TO MY FAMILY, MOM, DISABLED BROTHER AND 2 MONTHS AGO, GUESS WHAT, I WAS TURNED IN TO ADULT PROTECTIVE FOR ABUSING MY MOTHER. NOT PHYSICALLY MENTALLY. SHE HAS SHORT TERM MEMORY AND HAD PHONE CALLS TO BE AT DOCTORS OFFICE. SHE COULD NOT REMEMBER WHERE SHE WAS TO BE GOING. AND SHE HAD MICE IN HER HOUSE CAUSE SHE LEAVES FOOD OUT. I TOOK PHONE OUT OF HER ROOM AND SAID MOM IF YOU CAN REMEMBER WHO CALLED OR WHERE TO GO I WILL TAKE THE PHONE CALLS. AND I AM FACING CHARGES. SO IF I COULD DO IT OVER. I WOULD HIRE HELP, SPEND HER MONEY AND LET SOMEONE ELSE TAKE THE GUILT. ENJOY LIFE IT IS SHORT.
caregiver 101, indeed! excellent advice on all relationships and emotional intelligence, period. Sometimes to assuage their own guilt about whatever human or inhuman crimes they've committed as parents (or imagined they've committed as parents) a wide variety of commentary will spill out from parent to the caregiving offspring who is all to often a handy receptacle for guilt ridden commentary. An heir apparent, if you will. Personally, I don't believe in obligation. And "trip" is a multi-metaphorical word to add to guilt when one considers the many ways one takes a trip. That said, do not engage in her trip. Remind yourself of your own reasons for taking care of her. Some of it may well indeed be payback for the care and sacrifice she made on your behalf. Not all motherhood is the personal choice of the mother, sadly. Nor is mothering the easiest job. Most mothers have not achieved their own self actualization before they are shaping the worlds of their offspring. Tricky business. Use this time to self actualize for you and for her. I've learned a lot about my mom in her old age and vulnerability and in her toughness, in her sweetness and her bitterness. I'm sure it's all there for your mom too. Disengage from the guilt. Besides, women are notorious for giving the silent treatment in order to get a message across. Very often it works quite will in reciprocation.
I just took the ringer on my mom's phone and turned it off. She can make calls, but does not hear the phone ring. People leave messages and I get to screen the calls. If a caregiver is here, she can answer the phone and take messages. It works great. When I go out and she is alone, I leave her a cell phone that she can open and say hello when she hears it ring. No one has the number but me. Also, she has a life alert button to push if she needs help. Take charge and take control of a situation. Think ahead and try not to give her any control of these types of situations. It really does help. Sometimes you just have to out fox them just like a little kid!! Love her, but I won't let her control my life.
I do owe my mother a lot, not just from being born and am alive, but she did everything for me posssible when I was growing up. I had a learning disability and the psychologists were about to label me retarded, mom made sure that I got into a school with smaller class sizes, this was in the 50's when there were no special classes for attention deficit. I was her "problem child" and she gave me a lot of special care and attention. However, it came to a point where I had to break away from home, and I did live on my own for about 30 years. Then my father died and I had to get a two bedroom apartment and help mom. I took care of her for about 7 years as she gradually started falling more often and had memory problems. Just last month she had to go to a nursing home. I have come to the realization now that I was spoiled, I was spoiling her, etc., and I needed to have my own life and take care of myself with all the health problems I have developed during my 50's. I do express gratitude to my mother and honor my parents, as they did do a lot for me, but part of growing up in letting go.
Is being "the problem child" something your mother labled you as and uses to control you? A special needs child, which you were from your own description, is far different than a "problem child" It would be helpful if you got "problem child" label out of your head.
Don't feel bad that you had to break away and get your own life for 30 years! That's normal. Her spoiling you was in fact a form of control or what sometimes is called being an over loving parent.
Yes, I felt that way, because mom expected everyone to be perfect, a real perfectionist. Anyway I am in trouble now for being too controlling with mom. Maybe I was trying to protect her too much, but she did not realize how much money she had, was calling and charging expensive things, trying to make travel reservations, that was where I had to take control. And now I am in real trouble, she is challenging all of the control I had over her, going to court and wanting control back of her finances and to get out of the nursing home. The State of North Dakota says they have to place her where she gets the minimal amount of care for her needs. What do they want her to do, fall again or wander off and end up in the nursing home again? I feel like that five years I spent carefully watching over her are wasted now and she is denying that she ever needed help now, but she does state that she is grateful for the care that I gave her. When I tell her now that she needs the care they are giving her at teh nursing home, she just blows it off and claims she can live on her own and take care of her own finances, even though she has not done this for 5-6 years.
lmw124 yikes, get thee to an elder law attorney. hopefully there is a good senior legal services place that can give you solid advice.
We expect too much rational behavior from irrational brains.
My heart goes out to you that your mom's bitterness and confusion has put you in such a negative and touchy situation.
There are plenty of attys around these days knowledgeable in these areas. Here in CA Len Tillem has a radio show on this very subject. Perhaps you should send them an email. They may be able to recommend a good atty in N. Dakota.
If you're happy with the way your life turned out, the only thing you owe is thanks and telling your mom you love her ... still. Bringing children to the world doesn't automatically make one a parent entitled to charge our offspring for it. Our children's lives shouldn't have to revolve around ours, and making them feel guilty for leaving home and not visiting more often is disgraceful. As a parent, sometimes I couldn't wait for my sons to grow up and get out of the house. They are 29 now, but I miss them dearly. The bottom line is this: from the moment they were born, WE owed them. Not the other way around.
Thanks to all of you for your comments and support. I am working on my guilt and trying not to let my mother's problems continue to dominate my life. She doesn't like her caregiver and there really isn't any good reason other than she has become tired of her because she is bored. I won't fire her. Yesterday we got a call that she had fallen out of her recliner which I did not understand. We had to go to the emergency room and she got three staples in her head and her face is bruised. how it happened is now clear. The caregiver had gone up to wash the lunch dishes and she decided to try and stand by herself - which she can't and never does. She held on to the food tray and toppled over. I overheard her conversation when she told her friend that she fell because the caregiver wasn't doing her job. She is becoming meaner and meaner to the caregiver. I am taking care of her wound but am trying not to give her a lot of negative attnention. She had three of us at the hospital and it was a big ordeal including an ambulance. A caregiver comes to our house 8 hours a day while I go to work. She wants someone by her side in case she needs something. I think she is afraid of being alone. The caregiver tells her what she is doing and shere she is going. It doesn't matter. Going through caregivers is disruptive and time consuming. I can't just let anyone into our house and I have to trust the person I leave my mother with all day. I am afraid that by Tuesday she will have told the caregiver it is her fault. There will come a breaking point even if the caregiver knows it's dementia speaking. The caregiver has become the source of all of her malaise and discontent. This is not the first time.
Unfortunately, what you see in your mother will most likely only intensify and she will project all of her issues onto others as being their fault. She does sound afraid of being left alone.
I do hope you are hiring caregivers who are bonded liscenced people. At some point they are going to get to where they can't handle your mother anymore themselves. Worst case senirio is that your mother being mean to caregivers could give her a bad wrap and then no one would want to work for her. My mother could not find a new primary care doctor two years ago because she had gained the reputation of firing every doctor that did not agree with her. Also, she never heard what the doctors she did keep who were oh so sweet and tactful. I mean when someone tells you that you are using the ER like extended care, that is a really big hint that you need to go to extended care like the other doctors have suggested and been fired for saying.
What are your plans for what to do next as your mother continues to decline? Are you set up with the needed POAs?
Yes, the caregivers I get come through an agency. The current caregiver is a young woman who is a ClNA. She is kind and tries to accomodate her needs. I think where she fails is that my mother is smarter than she is. I do have POA and my plan is to begin interviewing if this does not work out.
I know that she does not like to sit alone. By the nature of our home her area is split off from the main floor where the kitchen is. We have told the daregiver that if Mom starts to pick on her that she can leave the room and go do something else. We leave a car for her to take her out a few times a week.
We make sure she has someone with her 24 7 and that is shy it is so frustrating to see her hurt like this for no reason. It is almost like a tantrum. she wants to have someone right there next to her all day. I feel I need to wean her from that.
I am trying keep her safe and treated with kindness. I can't be the one to do it. I am a teacher and sometimes when I get home there is not much left of me to give.
Carmen, what a difficult task. We are there, too. Bless your heart in this difficult situation. Don't have any magic answers, but will be praying for you. Take care, and hope you do some praying, too.
If there is an Adult Day Care facility in your area, you might make use of that should a caregiver ever actually walk off the job. Do you think your mother would respond to having other seniors and day care staff around to interact with?
Interacting with people is something she used to enjoy. We took her to visit a senior center once and she didn't like it. At a church nearby there is an adult day care geared toward Alzheimer's patients. One of the problems would be getting her bathed and ready to go and the other is that English is her second language and she is having more and more trouble with communication. I leave for work at 7 and my husband waits for the caregiver until 8. I'd have to work out the logistics but you've givern me something to look into - thanks.
If you're a Christian, you know the bible says to honor thy father and thy mother. But, you didn't ask to be born, did you? You don't "owe" her. You are obliged, though, to respect her.
Rosie, I am soooo glad that you wrote your post. Too many people think that to honor their parents, they have to sacrifice their own lives. That is just not right. I don't believe that God wants us to suffer, rather be kind and caring and do what is best. That isn't always keeping our parents with us. Sometimes it means providing a safe environment that they can be taken care of by professionals. Respect, yes, owe, no. Thanks so much. Love my mom, but we are nearing the end of what I can do for her.
Well over the week end my mother has said for the 4th time she wants her own apt. the first time I was all upset considering all I had to do when she wanted to move in with me because she concocted some story sabout the lady next door, so I ignred her. than #2 I brought home papers from 3 apt complexes and the place she had at first they don't want her bac and some boxes and told her to start packing the next day she said she thought it would be better to stay with me
the #rd time I said here is the phone book and I brought her home a paper and said well while you are doing nothing make some calls and see what you can find, this time I am not doing a thing. Tomorrow is herbirthday. Yesterday I brought her some tiny baby roses so pretty. told her it was a pre birthday gift. I bought her some PJ/s and a nice aqua seat suit as that seems to be all she wears and a little change purse and two pair of nice arrings, will make her a cake tonight and asked all my church family to inundate her with birthday cars. so we will see she is going down hill very quickly from all that laying around she can barely walk anymore but she is doing that to herself. I will be kind caring and make sure she is comfy but moving again ain't no way. I know she misses my father but ee will all have to go thru that even me it is the course of life the journey we travel what we do with it is another story I love my husband but if he goes first I am not playing the pity party I will just make other arrangements and NO I don't want to get remarried. LOL tired of taking care of people.
Linda
He who does nothing accomplishes everything
Do not react when you do you plug into her energy just think and than respon if you have to sometimes I just don't say anything I just think much.\, Good luck to you
Hang in there Lost Soul.
If you are still at her home, get out and get a life. If she's in your home, it sounds like she needs to get out and get a life. How are her demands impacting the rest of your life?
Ignore those remarks completely. Take the conversation in a different direction, as if she's never made the hurtful remarks.
Alternatively, get up and leave pleasantly, with or without giving
her a reason for your departure. She will know what you're doing.
Sort of like training a pet: do not reward negative or attention-getting behaviors by showing anger, dismay, sadness, etc.
Sometimes to assuage their own guilt about whatever human or inhuman crimes they've committed as parents (or imagined they've committed as parents) a wide variety of commentary will spill out from parent to the caregiving offspring who is all to often a handy receptacle for guilt ridden commentary. An heir apparent, if you will.
Personally, I don't believe in obligation. And "trip" is a multi-metaphorical word to add to guilt when one considers the many ways one takes a trip. That said, do not engage in her trip. Remind yourself of your own reasons for taking care of her. Some of it may well indeed be payback for the care and sacrifice she made on your behalf. Not all motherhood is the personal choice of the mother, sadly. Nor is mothering the easiest job. Most mothers have not achieved their own self actualization before they are shaping the worlds of their offspring. Tricky business.
Use this time to self actualize for you and for her.
I've learned a lot about my mom in her old age and vulnerability and in her toughness, in her sweetness and her bitterness.
I'm sure it's all there for your mom too.
Disengage from the guilt. Besides, women are notorious for giving the silent treatment in order to get a message across. Very often it works quite will in reciprocation.
Don't feel bad that you had to break away and get your own life for 30 years! That's normal. Her spoiling you was in fact a form of control or what sometimes is called being an over loving parent.
Don't allow her to "guilt you" into believing otherwise.
People need to plan for their own old age and eventual demise instead of blaming their children.
dragonflower
being too controlling with mom. Maybe I was trying to protect her too much, but she did not realize how much money she had, was calling and charging expensive things, trying to make
travel reservations, that was where I had to take control. And now I am in real trouble, she is challenging all of the control I had over her, going to court and wanting control back of her finances and to get out of the nursing home. The State of North Dakota says they have to place her where she gets the minimal amount of care for her needs. What do they want her to do, fall again or wander off and end up in the nursing home again? I feel like that five years I spent carefully watching over her are wasted now and she is denying that she ever needed help now, but she does state that she is grateful for the care that I gave her. When I tell her now that she needs the care they are giving her at teh nursing home, she just blows it off and claims she can live on her own and take care of her own finances, even though she has not done this for 5-6 years.
yikes, get thee to an elder law attorney. hopefully there is a good senior legal services place that can give you solid advice.
We expect too much rational behavior from irrational brains.
My heart goes out to you that your mom's bitterness and confusion has put you in such a negative and touchy situation.
There are plenty of attys around these days knowledgeable in these areas. Here in CA Len Tillem has a radio show on this very subject. Perhaps you should send them an email. They may be able to recommend a good atty in N. Dakota.
Unfortunately, what you see in your mother will most likely only intensify and she will project all of her issues onto others as being their fault. She does sound afraid of being left alone.
I do hope you are hiring caregivers who are bonded liscenced people. At some point they are going to get to where they can't handle your mother anymore themselves. Worst case senirio is that your mother being mean to caregivers could give her a bad wrap and then no one would want to work for her. My mother could not find a new primary care doctor two years ago because she had gained the reputation of firing every doctor that did not agree with her. Also, she never heard what the doctors she did keep who were oh so sweet and tactful. I mean when someone tells you that you are using the ER like extended care, that is a really big hint that you need to go to extended care like the other doctors have suggested and been fired for saying.
What are your plans for what to do next as your mother continues to decline? Are you set up with the needed POAs?
I know that she does not like to sit alone. By the nature of our home her area is split off from the main floor where the kitchen is. We have told the daregiver that if Mom starts to pick on her that she can leave the room and go do something else. We leave a car for her to take her out a few times a week.
We make sure she has someone with her 24 7 and that is shy it is so frustrating to see her hurt like this for no reason. It is almost like a tantrum. she wants to have someone right there next to her all day. I feel I need to wean her from that.
I am trying keep her safe and treated with kindness. I can't be the one to do it. I am a teacher and sometimes when I get home there is not much left of me to give.
Thanks for your support.
day care staff around to interact with?
I am soooo glad that you wrote your post. Too many people think that to honor their parents, they have to sacrifice their own lives. That is just not right. I don't believe that God wants us to suffer, rather be kind and caring and do what is best. That isn't always keeping our parents with us. Sometimes it means providing a safe environment that they can be taken care of by professionals. Respect, yes, owe, no. Thanks so much. Love my mom, but we are nearing the end of what I can do for her.
the #rd time I said here is the phone book and I brought her home a paper and said well while you are doing nothing make some calls and see what you can find, this time I am not doing a thing. Tomorrow is herbirthday. Yesterday I brought her some tiny baby roses so pretty. told her it was a pre birthday gift. I bought her some PJ/s and a nice aqua seat suit as that seems to be all she wears and a little change purse and two pair of nice arrings, will make her a cake tonight and asked all my church family to inundate her with birthday cars. so we will see she is going down hill very quickly from all that laying around she can barely walk anymore but she is doing that to herself. I will be kind caring and make sure she is comfy but moving again ain't no way. I know she misses my father but ee will all have to go thru that even me it is the course of life the journey we travel what we do with it is another story I love my husband but if he goes first I am not playing the pity party I will just make other arrangements and NO I don't want to get remarried. LOL tired of taking care of people.