She's living in YOUR home, according to your profile. So why does mom get to dictate the rules and burn the place down? Do you get no say in how life plays out in your own home? I'd say either mom starts smoking outside EXCLUSIVELY, switches over to vaping, or moves out into her own space where she gets to do as she pleases AND pay all the bills, too.
I would create a smoking place for her, preferably outside, or build a small space with window(s) on a deck or patio, maybe you have a large mudroom that can be partianed and that is where she smokes. Period.
Put furniture that won't burn, like metal patio furniture, concrete or tile floors, add a fan and space heater so she can be reasonably comfortable year round.
If something needs to be built on, she pays for it.
I don't agree that she must be forced to stop, it's her body and she has that choice. What she doesn't have a choice in, is smoking in your home.
Creating a smoking room will protect everyone from her fire and smoke and allow her to do what she has been doing for 55 years.
Look at it this way, some people like their meat smoked, others don't.
Your house, your rules. My Dad was a smoker and devil may care about how he smoked. Mom had burned holes in the rugs even the couch. He burned a hole in our new couch. Mom found someone who fixed it. He was not allowed to smoke after that in my home. He did eventually quit because of heart problems.
We do not allow any smoking in our house, period. You need to smoke we have a nice deck.
I would move her over to vaping- at this stage of the game she’s unlikely to quit, and she’s probably so hard-wired to need the physical act of smoking that she won’t comply with just a patch. So remove the lit cigarette.
You do not list dementia as one of moms conditions. SO...and this is going to be tough. YOUR house...YOUR rules. Conversation.. "Mom, you are living in my house, I no longer want you smoking in the house. You can smoke on the patio / deck / front porch...but no longer can you smoke in the house." "You have caused damage to my belongings, you have been hurt, you have hurt me and the cat. It is dangerous for you to continue to smoke in the house" (Install smoke detectors in all bathrooms) Do NOT back down. She may come to her senses when she is standing outside when it is 0 degrees and the wind is blowing and she is trying to light up.
Here's a different take on the issue. Be sure there are more than the minimum number of smoke detectors in the house, the kind with sirens and flashing lights. Try to clear the walking areas inside the house, and the exit doors. (hoping she has 2 of them). If you can create an outside smoking area on a porch, that would be terrific. If not, try this. (from protective service work I know). Purchase a large birdbath (the ceramic one from the garden center.) Place this right beside her chair, put a little bit of kitty litter or sand or aquarium pebbles in it and a big ashtray. Instead of focusing on stopping smoking, focus on safer smoking. Maybe putting a heavy duty door mat under the birdbath, or some sort of fire resistant mat. Encourage visitors to admire her new arrangement. No more nagging. IF she is giving you a lot of pushback against accepting and using this new arrangement, then it is time to put both feet down. If it is your house she is not longer going to live there. If it is her house, you are not going to live there any longer. Cat stays with the owner. Other family members may kick up a fuss- cuz now they will have to get involved, one way or another. Good luck. Over the decades the amount of nicotine in cigarettes has been steadily increased by the tobacco companies, to make it harder and harder to quit.
You don't say how old your mom is, or what her cognitive/memory capabilities are. At this point you won't get her to stop without consequences, since it is a scientific fact that smoking is as addictive as heroin and just as hard to kick.
I would discuss this with her doctor to see if nicotine patches may at least reduce the amount she smokes in a day (it's also an expensive addiction!) Even vaping may be a viable alternative. For all the fears over vaping, in your case it can't be any more dangerous than your mom falling asleep with a burning cigarette in her hand...
Nicotine withdrawal makes people extremely cranky and unreasonable (like an addict), so before you do anything to try to change or reduce her habit, you should have a plan. Typical smoking cessation strategies probably won't work for her if she has any cognitive issues. May you have success!
Years ago, when I moved home from college, I lived with my parents for a few months until I could find a job and a place to live on my own. My mom had smoked for 25 years and I hated it during my entire childhood. I had tried to get her to quit several times...to no avail. Finally, when I moved home from college, I asked her to try quitting on the "Great American Smoke-out Day" in November. She agreed and told me "I'll try it for that ONE day and then you have to leave me alone about it!!" She was mad. My best friend...my mom...the one I cared about most was mad for bugging her about smoking. But, she went that whole day on the Smoke-out day without a cigarette. the next day, she tried having a smoke and it made her sick! Never had another smoke again! I was so proud of her...and she was proud of herself. I miss her so much...she passed away a few years ago...but hadn't had a cigarette in over 20 years.
After reading Andrew Weil’s “Chocolate to Morphine” in the 80s I’ve become more tolerant for addictions in general and smokers in particular. Smoking goes from being touted as healthy to cool to low class back to cool over the years. Probably more dips and dives than I know about. All the while being deadly. But all the tough talk about my way or the highway should be tempered by compassion and every known device, drug and alternative she’s willing to try. Not many changes happen without a desire to change. My SIL can land in the hospital for weeks and come back out sounding so much better. In a few weeks, if that long, she is back sitting on her deck smoking. She lives with a smoker and just like alcohol addiction it’s hard to be around familiar people, places and things and not smoke. Not that it can’t be done. Not saying that but it is hard and of course you can’t let her burn the house down.
My aunt who had smoked since she was a child managed to quit using vaping.
First she used vape products with nicotine, but over time reduced the nicotine content to the point she was just using the flavoured stuff. She has smoked for over 60 years.
I am glad I never was tempted to even try smoking. Lost both grandfathers to lung cancer and cannot stand the smell of it.
But I understand the addiction is powerful and very challenging to overcome.
No one smokes in my house. They are welcome to smoke outside and I will provide an ashtray, but I will not join them.
I quit cigs by vaping too, then I quit vaping. GREAT way to rid oneself of the cig habit AND the dangers of burning the house down, the smell, etc, but only as a means to an end b/c vaping isn't so healthy either! :)
Good luck!
I would create a smoking place for her, preferably outside, or build a small space with window(s) on a deck or patio, maybe you have a large mudroom that can be partianed and that is where she smokes. Period.
Put furniture that won't burn, like metal patio furniture, concrete or tile floors, add a fan and space heater so she can be reasonably comfortable year round.
If something needs to be built on, she pays for it.
I don't agree that she must be forced to stop, it's her body and she has that choice. What she doesn't have a choice in, is smoking in your home.
Creating a smoking room will protect everyone from her fire and smoke and allow her to do what she has been doing for 55 years.
Look at it this way, some people like their meat smoked, others don't.
We do not allow any smoking in our house, period. You need to smoke we have a nice deck.
YOUR house...YOUR rules.
Conversation..
"Mom, you are living in my house, I no longer want you smoking in the house. You can smoke on the patio / deck / front porch...but no longer can you smoke in the house." "You have caused damage to my belongings, you have been hurt, you have hurt me and the cat. It is dangerous for you to continue to smoke in the house"
(Install smoke detectors in all bathrooms)
Do NOT back down. She may come to her senses when she is standing outside when it is 0 degrees and the wind is blowing and she is trying to light up.
If you can create an outside smoking area on a porch, that would be terrific. If not, try this. (from protective service work I know). Purchase a large birdbath (the ceramic one from the garden center.) Place this right beside her chair, put a little bit of kitty litter or sand or aquarium pebbles in it and a big ashtray. Instead of focusing on stopping smoking, focus on safer smoking.
Maybe putting a heavy duty door mat under the birdbath, or some sort of fire resistant mat. Encourage visitors to admire her new arrangement.
No more nagging.
IF she is giving you a lot of pushback against accepting and using this new arrangement, then it is time to put both feet down.
If it is your house she is not longer going to live there.
If it is her house, you are not going to live there any longer.
Cat stays with the owner.
Other family members may kick up a fuss- cuz now they will have to get involved, one way or another.
Good luck. Over the decades the amount of nicotine in cigarettes has been steadily increased by the tobacco companies, to make it harder and harder to quit.
I would discuss this with her doctor to see if nicotine patches may at least reduce the amount she smokes in a day (it's also an expensive addiction!) Even vaping may be a viable alternative. For all the fears over vaping, in your case it can't be any more dangerous than your mom falling asleep with a burning cigarette in her hand...
Nicotine withdrawal makes people extremely cranky and unreasonable (like an addict), so before you do anything to try to change or reduce her habit, you should have a plan. Typical smoking cessation strategies probably won't work for her if she has any cognitive issues. May you have success!
But all the tough talk about my way or the highway should be tempered by compassion and every known device, drug and alternative she’s willing to try. Not many changes happen without a desire to change. My SIL can land in the hospital for weeks and come back out sounding so much better. In a few weeks, if that long, she is back sitting on her deck smoking. She lives with a smoker and just like alcohol addiction it’s hard to be around familiar people, places and things and not smoke. Not that it can’t be done. Not saying that but it is hard and of course you can’t let her burn the house down.
First she used vape products with nicotine, but over time reduced the nicotine content to the point she was just using the flavoured stuff. She has smoked for over 60 years.
I am glad I never was tempted to even try smoking. Lost both grandfathers to lung cancer and cannot stand the smell of it.
But I understand the addiction is powerful and very challenging to overcome.
No one smokes in my house. They are welcome to smoke outside and I will provide an ashtray, but I will not join them.