My Mom refuses to wear hearing aids and I physically cannot talk louder. Any advice?

If your Mom can hear wearing the hearing aids, but refuses to use them... instead of talking louder, talk softer to a point where you can barely hear yourself. My Dad and I did that with my Mom, we were just mouthing words and Mom was afraid she was missing out on something :)

That would only work if the rest of the staff at the continuing care center would do the same thing.

My mom has severe hearing loss and has great hearing aides collecting dust in the nice box they came in. She refuses to use them too. I walk in her house and her t.v. is on 90. If you find a way to have your mom wear them let me know. Good luck.

Visit her often enough to satisfy your own pleasure in seeing her, and your conscience (providing your conscience is healthy and not into martyrdom.)

I start to miss my mom if I haven't seen her for a week or so. I feel a prick of conscience if I haven't seen in two weeks.

It would be VERY frustrating not to be able to talk to Mom. Mine is having decreasing hearing and that is hard to deal with. I sit on her "good" side, get her attention, speak directly to her, and repeat the words she doesn't get. It's hard.

But I still love her, she's still my mom, I still want to be with her regularly.

If the hearing loss is causing you a lot of stress and frustration and you think cutting down the number of visits would help, give it a try. Or visit when you can be with her without a lot of talking. Sit with her during a movie, or bingo, or some entertainment. You can hold her hand or put your arm around her shoulder or just smile at her.

Can your mom still read? I wonder what would happen if you went in with a white board and marker, with "Mom, I have a sore throat today. I will write my answers, OK?" Might that relieve some of the stress?

I don't think the hearing situation is likely to improve. I hope you can find some ways to still be present for you mother in ways that aren't too stressful for you.

Good luck with that! I bought mom 6000 dollar hearing aids and she flushed them down the toilet. Her ears have way too much wax and I take her to the ear doctor and she won't let them touch her. She is 95 and I have been her caregiver for over 5 years. I just make sure she is well fed and don't even try much to talk to her as she gets mad at me because she can't hear me. I love her and try to help her. But that soundless world she lives in is hard on her and me. She does read close caption to watch TV.

American Sign Language.
MY husband has solvent dementia HOWEVER he learned ASL to communicate.

Visit for 15 minutes if you live close by. Maybe a half hour if you live far away, once a week at most. Ask the caregivers about her health and observe her care. Brush her hair if you feel like it, or rub hand lotion on her hands. Smile and say only "I love you."

These are all good responses. I especially liked the comment about learning American Sign Language. I have thought about that. I too have difficulty with getting Mom to wear her hearing aids. She has two but always wore just one. Then recently the one aid didn't do the job so she started wearing both especially when I would turn the volume down on the tv. It would be so loud you could hear it a house away! I told her and said you spent all that money and wont wear them? There are people your age that need them and cannot afford to buy them. So I guess between all of us saying we can't talk louder and turning down the tv, she started using both. Dont get me wrong--she gives us a hard way to go about wearng them but she has been using them more regularly.

tlhanger, same issue with my Mom and ear wax. Numerous times we have had her at the doctors to having the wax cleaned out, but she would stop the cleaning because the water was too hot.... she wanted it luke warm which doesn't nothing.

So flash forward a decade and that wax had cemented itself into her ear canals. Only surgery would be able to remove it, and at 97 years old that's not an option. Mom was her own worst enemy when it came to ear care, but she rather blame the hearing aid company and/or the tech trying to fit her to the hearing aid... [sigh].

Try bringing a large pad and bold pen with you. Every time she says talk louder, start writing your responses.

We too have thousands of dollars worth of hearing aids in a drawer. P.S. -- They can be donated to the Lions Club.

Mom (97 with dementia) made it clear long ago that the problem with her hearing is ours and not hers. So I talk as loud as I can for as long as I can and then just tell her I can't shout any more and put my hand over my throat. Generally, she nods that she understands.

Perhaps wearing portable karaoke equipment would work. I looked on Amazon and they have a "Singing Machine" for $45.95. Tempting.

Bottom line: Do your best, with love, and then let it go. Blessings for peace in this trying situation.

J has started doing the same thing, not wearing the very expensive hearing aids... I am not going to shout when she can use them... so have been asking her if they are too loud or not loud enough.... all this can be adjusted by computer, or at least hers can....also a lot of earwax... have to clean them every time she uses them.... all I can say is that I am glad to hear I am not alone..... but will not shout anymore.... it is exhausting, it causes our adrenalin to spike and just adds to our own exhaustion...so we are sort of in a stand off right now... she won't wear them and I won't shout... I'll keep ya'll updated....

My father, who had dementia, wore his hearing aids, but was always messing with them. He said they didn't work. I don't think it was his ears that weren't working, but his mind. He could hear, but not understand.

My mother also has hearing problems sometimes, but hears perfectly sometimes. I think dementia is setting in. Sometimes her brain is engaged and she hears, and sometimes her brain is tuned out. Then sometimes, it seems like it is the tone of your voice, i.e. high pitched vs deep pitched.

My husband, who has early onset dementia, doesn't always understand or seems to not hear me. Can't blame old ears. With dementia, the line blurrs between not comprehending and not hearing, and hearing aids don't fix comprehension.

Besides, technology isn't always that great. I'm in my 60s and need to wear progressives, but they bother my migraines. I wear bifocals, but they don't cover all the ranges I need. I can only imagine the complexities that go into hearing all the different sounds, i.e. loud/soft, high/low, background, etc. Then factor in a brain that is not working correctly, and you have quite mess.

Great anwers here! Omigosh, ear wax, now I know to look out for that. I support all the ideas around talking lower instead, and writing things down... you do not have to make someone else's problem your own. If someone with dementia can learn sign language, that sounds like a terrific thing to try.

With eyes contact with communication with body languages, for example if you want to shower her,put her to toilet while running warm water by the time she done toileting,you just use your hand aim to shower area,she will know what to do. All you do smile at her with hand talking with you mouth moving. It's not easy as I said especially you have to catching time for your life. Hope this help you a little. Good luck and take care.

I bought one of those typing machines (about $200), basically a laptop for writers without any of the distractions. I typed and showed her the result and she would respond. You can also just text into your phone or tablet. This is all if you don't like to write the old fashioned way.

Omg...my father has driven me crazy with this problem! In the beginning after we bought a pair of hearing aids...hewould keep saying he couldnt hear...we had them adjusted at least 7 times! Oh he could hear fine in the doctors office...but would tell me he couldnt hear me at home! Year after year after year new hearing aids...and truly he hears only what he wants!! This last time i updated his hearing aids and he doesnt bother putting them in!! Needless to say after years of him putting his hand up in my face . ... ive spoken to him very little! He wore me out with his games, i dont worry about it anymore...buy he hears me wen its important enuff...or i just walk away!

Oh...ear wax could be a problem...the doctor could clean out the ears on occasion . .. cant hurt.

I agree with those who suggest just being with your mom and showing your love with hugs, glances and a touch to the hand. If possible, sit and watch the trees and birds outside or take a photo album to look at. Words aren't that important, IMO. It's the feeling and just seeing you that will brighten her day. As she progresses, she may change her acceptance of the hearing aid. Why not discuss the matter with the Memory Care staff or patient rep. Certainly, this is a common problem and they should have ideas on how they have dealt with it before. Eventually, she may forget that she doesn't want to wear the hearing aid, but then the problem comes with keeping up with it and they often get lost or misplaced.

My Dad is ready to buy my Mom an old fashioned ear trumpet... probably would work just as well.... plus can't roll one up in a tissue... can't hide it in drawer unless its a deep drawer.... and can't flush it down by mistake :P

For the much younger generation not familiar with this item, Google "ear trumpet".

What an impossible situation! It must make you despair.

I was able to speak more loudly but I used to find it exhausting - and as well as that, the drag of having to repeat every sentence made me reluctant to start a conversation sometimes. Especially because I began to suspect that it wasn't exactly that my mother couldn't hear: she'd just assume she couldn't, and then when I repeated myself would quite often complete the sentence for me. It used to drive me to distraction.

What I started to do was make sure she was looking at me and paying attention, then pause, then speak slightly more slowly than normal but at normal volume. It kind of worked. No miracles, though, I'm afraid; but I hope something like that might help.

Have you tried new batteries in the aids? My aunt goes to bed later than me, and never disconnects batteries. They last that way only 10 days. She does not notice when they need replacing. When necessary to hear choices from me or the doctors, I just write it on a paper.

People who have bad teeth get dentures. Bad vision, get glasses. Bad hearing? BLAME EVERYONE ELSE OR MAKE THEM YELL/REPEAT. I dont chew food for others, nor do I read to them unless they are blind. My sig other is told that I will not enable him because he wont get his age-related hearing deficit checked. I have been hearing impaired since age 10, got an implanted hearing aid MedEl (NOT a cochlear implant) about 8 years ago, in my 40's. I do not repeat myself more than once, do not raise my voice, and don' t criticize people who dont/ wont wear their HA. I can get away with this because I wear my HA and dont ask people to speak up because I cant hear. I have had people write things for me if really important and I still dont hear or understand. Most people tell me the HA is uncomfortable or doesnt work anyway. Also, as a health care worker, yelling violates privacy laws and embarrasses patients. I agree totally with using a normal or softer voice. Higher pitched (female) voices are first sounds to be lost. I have been very successful lowering my voice and speaking directly into HOH person's ear. Private and effective. Good luck to all of you!

I think that with or without hearing aids, people with Alzheimers just can't comprehend what one is saying. My husband is very hard of hearing, and has Alzheimers. I took him to the audiologist for to have the hearing aids reprogramed. It doesn't seem to have helped him. Instead, he will take out the hearing aids and ask you to repeat. Then he'll think you said something else; something entirely off the subject. It is so frustrating....marymember

I have no answers, but telling all of you caring people about my situation will help me. So bear with me or skip over my comment. My mother is 93, legally blind and profoundly deaf. I raise my voice as loud as I physically can but she hears little. She has mild dementia and lives in independent living. She claims "I will know when I need AL." Not even funny. My sister (who lives far away) and I would force a move to AL but we are afraid the money will run out before she does. Mom thinks she is so independent. Ha. She has no idea the stress I bear trying to lovingly care for her. I run out of breath, patience, energy on a daily basis. She has regular appts. with several doctors (eye, ear, heart, skin, oncologist, PCP and more). I take her to all. I manage all of her healthcare and insurance. I try to carve out days/short trips for myself and my husband but they are all to infrequent. And did I mention the non-stop complaining that I listen to daily; the same complaints over and over again. I try to be sympathetic. It is not easy. I haven't told you the half of it. I realize others have far more burdens to bear than do I. So I just try my best and go to bed praying for increased strength, wisdom, compassion and patience. And I thank God that my husband and I are still relatively healthy.

P.S. My Mom wears her hearing aids but claims "they don't do a damn bit of good." I clean them weekly. Most times she has them in the off position.

From what I've experienced, adjusting to hearing aids is not easy. Suddenly sounds are louder, and it can be unsettling. It's my understanding that hearing deficits can occur in certain ranges, such as higher pitched female voices, so someone might not be able to hear those ranges w/o aids, but with a hearing aid in place, then that range as well as other background noises (which can be irritating) become louder. And all that background noise can really be irritating. So then the person decides not to wear his/her hearing aids.

I learned sign language before I got her and tried to teach it to her. She said quit talking Swahili and talk right (I was). She wouldn't even try just the easy signs.

When faced with a similar situation, all I did was just not repeat myself or talk to the person very much. I just stood my ground by saying "never mind, I'm not a broken record." The person soon started wearing the hearing aids again and changing the batteries more often when they found out I'm just not going to repeat myself.

Dementia seems to effect sight and hearing. Mom seems to have no problem hearing when u don't want her to. :) I can tell its not she doesn't hear, she doesn't process. She also has hearing aides but can't take them out correctly and pulls the tube out. Really, having something in your ear all the time can't be comfortable. My husband has nerve damage and the digital don't work with him. He did better with the analog. They have found one close to analog for him. I have been told that an adjustment can be made with the digital where they perform more like analog.

My daughter's mother-in-law has 2 aides that she keeps in a drawer! Very irritating to the family! I'm going with freqflyer's suggestion! Perfect idea!