My mom had a stroke 3 years ago and has been living with my husband and I. I will be returning to school as a teacher in about 10 days. In the past we have had an in home caregiver during the day to help her get to the bedside commode, get food, shower and transfer (she is paralyzed on right side.) She is now refusing to have a caregiver and thinks I should just get meals on wheels to bring food and "find some free services to come help her shower". I have told her that is not reasonable. How can I get some help to make her understand that what she is suggesting would be neglect on my part and show her that this is elder neglect? She is in her right mind, but seems to think wishing for something to be some way makes it so. I am at my wits end. Where can I turn?

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Get the services to come in and tell her they're free. Would she believe it?
Helpful Answer (5)

Gator, since Mom is still in her clear mind give her two choices... either a caregiver to come help out during the day or a move to Assisted Living [not a nursing home]. Be firm, just those two choices.

Could be that Mom had been hearing about Medicaid and some of the free services, but she would need to qualify first. There might be bath aides who would come in, but they only do baths/showers. Then what?

I also had that fear of elder neglect, back when my parents [mainly my Mom] refused to downsize from their house or have caregivers. I told my Dad that if they didn't get caregivers to come in to help, I could be arrested. I thought that would send a chill for him, but no, he replied "I will hire a good lawyer". Oh where was my helmet as it was head banging on wall time !!
Helpful Answer (2)

I'm usually in favour of complying with an elder's wishes even if you do think they're daft, as far as you can; but in your case it's a bit different.

1. Your house, your rules. You decide who comes in and who doesn't. You don't need your mother's permission to arrange daily care and companionship for her.

2. You have a precedent; which I assume was fine with her at the time? (note: there wasn't any unfortunate incident or personality clash she needs reassurance about was there?) This leads me to think that she's venting, in a way - tired of the fuss, perhaps, and wishfully thinking that if only people would let her get on with it her way, she'd manage. Well, she might. She might not. But as long as the companion is there then she has help when she needs it and you have peace of mind.

So I'd abandon attempts to gain her understanding and agreement for the time being because you don't really need them. Go ahead and arrange the support you think is right; and with any luck she'll cheer up about it before long. And if she really wants to sit there with her arms folded and her lips pursed, she won't be forced to make conversation! But she'll still be safe. And her lunch will be hot :)
Helpful Answer (2)

I hope everything is getting better for you. I came across your post, and I wanted to provide insight too. I have to agree with freqflyer. Those are the main options you can choose. If you do decide to go with a caregiver, try to show her that the caregiver is there to assist and not interfere with her daily routine.

I work for a Home Care company, and we deal with situations like this often. It's a common occurrence, but once the individual is comfortable with the caregiver, their thoughts change because caregivers can provide companionship as well.

I hope this answer helps you, and I wish you the best of luck.
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