What to do when your Mom falls in love with a married man in assisted living? - AgingCare.com

What to do when your Mom falls in love with a married man in assisted living?

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The man's wife has Alzheimer's and is in another facility? The assisted living place doesn't know how to handle the situation. The staff is conflicted with moral issues. Some treat my mom and her friend just awful and try to separate them from eating together, kissing each other etc... Even the woman residents are saying bad things to them because he's still married even though his wife is in a nursing home and she doesn't even know him anymore!The problem is getting out of hand and making him feel like he is doing something wrong! And hurting my moms feeling too! My mom has dementia too but early stages. The owner asked me to get in touch with his family to see how we should move forward. I just can't believe how jealous and caddy women can be at this age! So uncalled for! My mom will be 90 this year and hasn't felt like this in years and years, and now she feels she is doing something so wrong! Please advise
Thank you so much, Deborah

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Regarding the 90 yr old 'lovers'. As we get to that age we seem to revert back to a childlike state. This probably feels like when they were teens without the hormones.
I say leave them alone and let them have whatever joy they can while they still can. If I can find a man who wants to kiss me when I am 90 I am not going to let small minded opinions matter.. At that age who cares what others think. Grab what happiness you can you deserve it!
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I understand;( it's not easy for some to watch. It names some people feel uncomfortable! So, I say turn your check, put your morals aside and just try to be happy for them! Too many people dwell on the negative things in life instead of the positive! Life's too short to be anything put happy to be alive!
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This is not unusual, I hear. My mother attends adult day care. My mom has been widowed for 12 years. But at her center, there is a man who is married and also has dementia. My mom and he flirt with each other, sit with each other, hold hands and kiss goodbye (on the mouth). Mom has been aware that he is married and the man's wife brings him to the Center. I guess she knows of this flirtation and she lets it slide. I have a hard time watching my mother behave the way she does around him. My thing. I know it is a common behavior but it's kind of weird.
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My beloved grandfather had passed away at age 92 he and his wife lived in a senior retirement home - independent living. When she was 96, a man 10 years younger began to court her. She enjoyed company as I'm sure he enjoyed hers. The management instructed her to leave her door open when he was visiting. I was shocked. For Pete's sake, if you can't close your door at age 96, when in the heck can you.

Guess that's what really frustrates me about making airline reservations where you're given a choice of being an "adult" or a "senior". Meaning seniors aren't adults?????

Seriously, people who stick their noses in someone else's business, should mind their own.
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He problem and the good thing at this ASF is that the majority of the staff are in college and they are in Nursing and Doctor programs. It is wonderful to have young staff as they really cheer the elders up! But, yes inexperienced in life situations! My Mother loves loves all the young kids there and they treat her like she is their Gramma😍 each day at a time!
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Wow, that is unusual. And it makes sense that the facility is 96% women. Most are at least 75% women. It is hard to believe there is no one there that has not worked at another facility before where this has come up, but I suppose it is possible. You are right, it is a work in progress. Actually every person who develops dementia is a work in progress and every family member has to resign themselves to that. Once you give in to "what is" you can actually have more fun with it. I really mean, that when you can relieve the stress of trying to match who you knew with who is there now, you can relax and just deal with reality. The more you know and understand the disease the easier it is to deal with that part. It is still difficult all the way around, but letting go of what was, makes it all the more easier. Thanks for your response to me. I really hope it turns out well for you.
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Thank you for your positive well wishes;) The problem is that the ASF has never dealt with this situation before! Only in business for six years and it's 96% women! So that doesn't help and almost all younger generation staff who don't even have enough life experience to be judgement. So, it's a work in progress😍
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This is a tough one and an easy one. On the one hand there are a whole new set of rules in the dementia world where feelings and filters are concerned. And on the other hand, with no memory of marriage, duty, connection, they are free to feel and love in the moment. How beautiful. The problem lies with everyone else making it their business. Most good facilities have gone thru this time and again and there usually are protocols once families have given their "buy in". It sounds like the man's family or son, disapproves based on marital vows. He may be a well respected person, intelligent and caring, but sounds like he might not have given in yet to his parents disease and how best to manage it. The best way is to let go and make your parents feel as loved and safe as possible. Even if they no longer recognize you and are in their own world. I knew of a situation where the wife was in a facility with early onset dementia and the husband was fine at home. She developed feelings for another resident and they became very close. The husband actually was relieved and very happy for her because he loved her so much and wanted her to be happy. Talk about letting go!! Anyway, when families disagree about this sort of thing, it makes it difficult. Maybe with time and some conversations from the care folks at the facility he might soften. If it is a religious thing, then there may be little room for negotiation. I love it when I see one or two of the residents in my mom's facility take to each other. It also makes the CNA's job a bit easier too. I wish you the best of luck.
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Wish the couple well and tell those who disapprove to get a love of their own! Even though married, his wife has a terminal illness and I am sure she would want him to be happy. Good for your mother!
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Well today I faxed the letter to the ASF and then brought it in so they have the original on file. I have also made copies for our families. I really believe that they just didn't know how to handle the situation and were also worried about the licensing issues. I get it....but I just felt we needed to do something to ease the stress on everyone involved! When I looked for my mom while I was there, I found her and Herb in the other room as they were playing Bingo with everyone. I just looked at them both and saw in both their eyes such joy and happiness it almost made me cry! I'm just so so happy for my mom as she has gone through so much in her life! and to find love again, now! Makes me just want to scream out to the world, To Never Give Up On Love!! ❤️💏
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