What to do when your Mom falls in love with a married man in assisted living?

Regarding the 90 yr old 'lovers'. As we get to that age we seem to revert back to a childlike state. This probably feels like when they were teens without the hormones.
I say leave them alone and let them have whatever joy they can while they still can. If I can find a man who wants to kiss me when I am 90 I am not going to let small minded opinions matter.. At that age who cares what others think. Grab what happiness you can you deserve it!

I understand;( it's not easy for some to watch. It names some people feel uncomfortable! So, I say turn your check, put your morals aside and just try to be happy for them! Too many people dwell on the negative things in life instead of the positive! Life's too short to be anything put happy to be alive!

This is not unusual, I hear. My mother attends adult day care. My mom has been widowed for 12 years. But at her center, there is a man who is married and also has dementia. My mom and he flirt with each other, sit with each other, hold hands and kiss goodbye (on the mouth). Mom has been aware that he is married and the man's wife brings him to the Center. I guess she knows of this flirtation and she lets it slide. I have a hard time watching my mother behave the way she does around him. My thing. I know it is a common behavior but it's kind of weird.

My beloved grandfather had passed away at age 92 he and his wife lived in a senior retirement home - independent living. When she was 96, a man 10 years younger began to court her. She enjoyed company as I'm sure he enjoyed hers. The management instructed her to leave her door open when he was visiting. I was shocked. For Pete's sake, if you can't close your door at age 96, when in the heck can you.

Guess that's what really frustrates me about making airline reservations where you're given a choice of being an "adult" or a "senior". Meaning seniors aren't adults?????

Seriously, people who stick their noses in someone else's business, should mind their own.

He problem and the good thing at this ASF is that the majority of the staff are in college and they are in Nursing and Doctor programs. It is wonderful to have young staff as they really cheer the elders up! But, yes inexperienced in life situations! My Mother loves loves all the young kids there and they treat her like she is their Gramma😍 each day at a time!

Wow, that is unusual. And it makes sense that the facility is 96% women. Most are at least 75% women. It is hard to believe there is no one there that has not worked at another facility before where this has come up, but I suppose it is possible. You are right, it is a work in progress. Actually every person who develops dementia is a work in progress and every family member has to resign themselves to that. Once you give in to "what is" you can actually have more fun with it. I really mean, that when you can relieve the stress of trying to match who you knew with who is there now, you can relax and just deal with reality. The more you know and understand the disease the easier it is to deal with that part. It is still difficult all the way around, but letting go of what was, makes it all the more easier. Thanks for your response to me. I really hope it turns out well for you.

Thank you for your positive well wishes;) The problem is that the ASF has never dealt with this situation before! Only in business for six years and it's 96% women! So that doesn't help and almost all younger generation staff who don't even have enough life experience to be judgement. So, it's a work in progress😍

This is a tough one and an easy one. On the one hand there are a whole new set of rules in the dementia world where feelings and filters are concerned. And on the other hand, with no memory of marriage, duty, connection, they are free to feel and love in the moment. How beautiful. The problem lies with everyone else making it their business. Most good facilities have gone thru this time and again and there usually are protocols once families have given their "buy in". It sounds like the man's family or son, disapproves based on marital vows. He may be a well respected person, intelligent and caring, but sounds like he might not have given in yet to his parents disease and how best to manage it. The best way is to let go and make your parents feel as loved and safe as possible. Even if they no longer recognize you and are in their own world. I knew of a situation where the wife was in a facility with early onset dementia and the husband was fine at home. She developed feelings for another resident and they became very close. The husband actually was relieved and very happy for her because he loved her so much and wanted her to be happy. Talk about letting go!! Anyway, when families disagree about this sort of thing, it makes it difficult. Maybe with time and some conversations from the care folks at the facility he might soften. If it is a religious thing, then there may be little room for negotiation. I love it when I see one or two of the residents in my mom's facility take to each other. It also makes the CNA's job a bit easier too. I wish you the best of luck.

Wish the couple well and tell those who disapprove to get a love of their own! Even though married, his wife has a terminal illness and I am sure she would want him to be happy. Good for your mother!

Well today I faxed the letter to the ASF and then brought it in so they have the original on file. I have also made copies for our families. I really believe that they just didn't know how to handle the situation and were also worried about the licensing issues. I get it....but I just felt we needed to do something to ease the stress on everyone involved! When I looked for my mom while I was there, I found her and Herb in the other room as they were playing Bingo with everyone. I just looked at them both and saw in both their eyes such joy and happiness it almost made me cry! I'm just so so happy for my mom as she has gone through so much in her life! and to find love again, now! Makes me just want to scream out to the world, To Never Give Up On Love!! ❤️💏

Congratulations Debbie96. You did the right thing by your Mom and her Boyfriend, Herb. So many people are lonely that live in ASF, that the fact that these two found each other is wonderful. As for the others living at the ASF, they will be like all other people have been throughout time. One caution, though is if the Boyfriends family, do not accept this then they might make moves to try and separate them or worse move him to another ASF. So like you wrote earlier, stay clear of each others rooms, and things I hope will work out.

To Capt. Give a Hug: Sorry but you have several "Chips" on your shoulder, that you are trying to "Shirk" here on this blog. And you talk of others judging???? And if you think some of your comments are Comic Relief then, please, think again. Practice compassion for others and their beliefs, and your might just find it will help you deal with your Demons. Again, people come here to share and help others, not to be berated!

This is interesting post that I would like to follow. Both my parents are 90 and I can see my Dad doing this. Don't think that it has anything to do with age, just personality. See my Mother being very up-set in my minds eye watching Dad do this with another woman. I made sure that I did not marry someone like my Dad. There are things about my parents that I can not put in writing about. Was told never to put bad stuff in writing because it could fall into the wrong hands. With that said, weather you are 3years old or 99 years old your personality is already set in stone. Think that is what the bible means by generation sin. It is learned behavior.

Deborah...so glad you seem to have reached a resolution and very good luck to you. My mom's latest convo to me was that all 3 of her HS boyfriends were now w/her at her ALF ....highly unlikely since....#1. She is 93. #2. She grew up in Chicago but has/still does live in FL for 30 years. I visit her every 3 months....I was so nervous, last time, trying to figure out "who is this/ these guys", esp. because there are number of married couples there (Oh....plz....NOT)....I was in the elevator w/ a young, good looking, muscular CNA when he said to me...." You know, V***** thinks I'm her BF from HS....and I'm totally cool w/it....love her....she's a really cool old lady...". ....OMG....I admit, most embarrassingly, YES.....I just looked at him and basically screamed...."You mean it's you???.....And you are a REAL person .....and not one of her imaginary friends, or married REALfriends here?....OMG.....yup....she's 93 and thinks her male CNA at 30 something is her HS BF.....jeeez.....
Deb....only just realized, you are in Saginaw....I am in Troy.....just let me know if you want to talk, meet, etc.

I am just amazed at all of the posts in regards to my mothers situation! Everyone seems to be on the same page as I am!! Well I called his family and spoke with the son. He said that they were not happy with the situation with their dad and my mom and that they don't want any hanky panky going on! Their mom is in anther facility and doesn't remember Herb now, but she is still alive! I told him that I understand how he feels and that their dad is a very respectful nice man who met my mom and she makes him happy and I feel they are good for each other and that aren't doing anything wrong! and that he told me he would never hurt my mom, that he is still married and he is a man of his word and there won't be any wrong doings. He enjoys holding her hand and sitting in the couch together holding hands! Awe...he so loves my mom! She is so happy and he even resembles my father! any hoot! We agreed on: no going to each other's rooms alone, they can still have thier meals together, do activities together, spend time out in the living room and common areas. Just plan and simple! I am putting it in writing and taking to them tomorrow so they can show the staff and start treating people with respect! The other jealous ones can get over it😍. Even love at this age has boundaries! ❤️❤️

the staff at this community needs to look the other way. No is being hurt, no one is crying for help. The residents have a right to privacy. ALL of the employees need to be trained in this. As for the residents, people will talk. Many of them are experiencing dementia like symptoms too. Tell mom to turn a deaf ear.

Deborah, I feel compelled to answer you here, unfortunately not because I have answers for you (babalou is right....senior staff can't deal w/this....unbelievable and you should challenge them on this)....but because I have been going thru similar situations w/ my Mom.....she's 93 and drop dead dead gorgeous....looks about 75, maybe....always puts on her makeup (minimal) and very cute outfits (totally appropriate) and is very sociable. She has mild-mid dementia.....she was a musician and dancer and loves a "party" (never smoked or drank).....; she just loves a good time....anyway, my Mom is a magnet for men in her ALF....BUT, my Mom, thank God, never developed a " love" relationship"....however, I have been thru several uncomfortable situations where the "gentleman" was in love w/Mom and at the same time married....jeez...I don't wish that on anyone .... I actually made a deal w/a lovely elderly gent who wanted to visit Mom "after hours"....that I would wheel him back to his room, put him to bed, make him tea....BUT under no circumstances could he visit Mom in her room .....This man's wife still lived in their home but was on dialysis ( in fact, I think that's why they put him in ALF....but not my business)....holy crap....just so many sad things....BTW....this was a beautiful ALF and no bad things should attach to them....point is.....this is real....elderly people develop attachments, just as we have in our youth....unfortunately, many of their "social filters" are now gone....Deborah....I know you need real help....I'll post to you....plz take care...J

Love, attraction, lust are all feelings that give us a natural high.
Embrace it, tell your mom not to be embarrassed, support it and remind her the other old ladies are just jealous.
No reason either her or her love interest should not partake the few joys left.
Have them both tested for STDs....known fact elders are the fastest growing population for STDS!

Were you ever in the wrong church !!! Just keep one thing in mind: regardless of the shysters, Jesus loves you more than you will ever know. God will deal with them. They will look back and wonder if the cons were worth it. Take care. Verna

This reminds me of something that happened the other day. Someone mentioned a local preacher was having some problems. I said, "Oh, no. Who did he kill?" Silence... but it broke into laughter pretty fast. Every time we turn around down here it seems that some preacher is killing someone -- wife, lover, adversary. Still, I do need to learn to bridle my tongue. Not everything I think needs to come out my mouth. :-O

i was raised in church too vja and ive seen entire services dedicatied to browbeating untill a specific monetary goal is met . in fact you were essentially kidnapped and forced into one prayer session after another till you coughed up money to get the service and the shaming to end .
ive seen the plates passed a second time because the first passing wasnt taken seriously enough .
" preachers not living large ? "
the congregation slaved at low wage jobs , barely fed their families and the preacher had a home and utilities furnished , often an automobile furnished while he layed around home all day molesting his daughters . ( or in one case my 14 yr old sister ) . the former one went to prison for his crimes , the latter got by with it because he was so loved the adults shushed up the victim .
better tell it to somebody who didnt spend his childhood around these con artists .

Captain, Hi there ! Your comments about the church bothered me. I have been in church all my life and I have never heard one preacher begging for money. It is the phony TV preachers (?) who do that. They are in it for the money, not regular pastors of churches. Christians should pay the tithe. Bills have to be paid for upkeep of the building , light, water bills, etc. And if the preacher is full time in all he does, he needs a salary. Most do not live high on the hog.
Speaking of love at old age, I was almost 70 and my second was 93 when we got married. He had a wonder sense of humor. He put up with me. He died at 101 with his mind still in tact.
I liked Germany, too. I could not learn the language. I was there, once as a WAC and the 2nd time with my 1st husband. I even took German in college. I went on the GI bill. I am thankful for that,. Taught school and GED classes. Now I just sit in the Independent Sr apartment and write books. I have 6 on sale by Amazon. Don't bother looking. You would not like them. ha
Have a nice day. Verna

Senior citizens are being allowed to bully another couple? That is what would concern me. But, if they are kissing, yes, they need to do it discreetly.

The staff needs told that they are employees and they need to mind their own business.

I am not concerned about a wife with alzheimers. As you said "she doesn't know him."

We even saw it on Grey's Anatomy, where the Chief's wife with Alz fell in love with another NH resident. It wouldn't bother me if my mother was friendly with the man in this circumstance. I would be shocked, because my ma is about as sexy as a rock. The biggest consideration would be the family of the man, since the wife is still alive... and also hearing the other residents yell, "Get a room!" The trouble is that they would, and who knows who room it might be?

Read about Sandra Day O'Connor ' s husband, who had dementia. He became infatuated with a lady in his AL and apparently, everyone was sensible enough to leave well enough alone. I question the competency of the senior staff if they've never had to deal with this issue.

LOL Captain!!!!

i cant for the life of me imagine romance at the age of ninety . i imagine more of a trade pact . like , " look , put your clothes back on and ill make ya some breakfast. deal ? "

Does the man have dementia too? I think everyone should stay out of it and let them have their romance - although like Captain says, too much affection in public may be upsetting to others. Let them go to one of their rooms, if that's possible. People can be so judgmental! At that age, what's the harm?

Women can get so jealous and territorial sometimes and it usually starts at age...well,...I"ll say conception. I can see the eggs dukeing it out.... he's MY sperm...NO, He's MY SPERM!!! Sorry....I am a woman and I don't understand us. A talk with the family is a good idea, get their feelings on it, maybe a group meeting with staff, etc. Good luck!

that sounds like a usa thing -- everybody trying to impose their phony morals on other people . id suggest to staff to respect the privacy of closed doors unless theres reason to think someone is in danger .
if the two lovebirds are lip wrestling in public tho thats just annoying if theyre 18 yrs old or 90 .