What should I do when my mom continually points at fat people or discusses people within hearing distance?

Your mother appears to have lost a degree of normal inhibition. This can happen if dementia affects the frontal lobe. Your mother can't help it - and, importantly, neither can you.

When I embarrassed my parents, they would often say: "I've never seen this child before in my life." You could try a similar light-hearted remark if it's appropriate to raise a smile; or in the case of that waitress for example a straightforward apology for her hurt feelings (my mother doesn't know what she's saying, I'm very sorry that she was so rude). But you absolutely MUST learn not to feel responsible for your mother's behaviour. You can't control it, so you can't be held responsible for it.

My grandpa was the exact same way. My mom bore the brunt of it and he acted up more when he was just with her rather than if all of us were together. He was way worse at the doctor's office and VA and I wondered if being uncomfortable made him act up more.

Honestly, unless you can limit her alcohol intake or get her to hush up, I would not take her anywhere except where she needs to go (e.g. doctor's appointments.) It is not worth it to have other people's feelings hurt or to be humiliated yourself.

Really, LindyLu? Within reason - i.e. not if the remarks become seriously offensive or abusive - I'd say it's not right to put her under house arrest. It would be nice to live in a world where nobody was ever rude or made personal remarks, but until that's the norm then embarrassing old ladies (and little children, come to that) should have the right to roam!

Sorry, but I agree with LindyLu, if taking my mom out for some friendly mother daughter time constantly turned into an unpleasant ordeal then it would defeat the whole purpose. Maybe I wouldn't keep her under house arrest, but I would look for excursions that would limit the frustration, maybe takeout at the park or something else where noise and bad behaviour would be less disruptive. I put it in the same category as those people who insist on inflicting their ill behaved little darlings on everyone in a restaurant, you never know when people may be having their special day out they have scrimped for being spoiled by rude behaviour. And you'll be lucky if the waitress doesn't spit in your food. ;)

Takes me back...

Waitress bringing our plates: "Trout?"
Self: "I beg your pardon! - that's my mother you're talking to!"

Mother wasn't very amused, but the waitress laughed so hard she nearly dropped all our lunches.

Oo! And this just pinged into my Inbox, a message from Dementia Friends:

"Could you help someone with dementia to keep doing the things they love?


Side by Side pair people with dementia and volunteers so they can keep doing the things they love and get out and about. From joining a local club, going to the football, or just going for a stroll in the park, we want people with dementia to live the lives they want and deserve, and Side by Side volunteers can help make this possible."


You notice they don't say anything about incontinence or loss of inhibition. I wonder if the other volunteers know what they're letting themselves in for too?!

My mother does that sort of thing too. It's hard to go out in public with her because she will chastise waitresses, argue with other patrons at the library, shout at drivers of other vehicles (I'm driving, not her). She will also make unkind remarks about passersby or anyone else who catches her attention.

She has no filters in private either. When my younger sister mentioned in passing that her oldest son was only working part time, my mother responded with "Well, [your husband] hasn't set much of an example for him, you know." She has been like this for over a dozen years, and it doesn't require alcohol.

I will call her out, shush her, confront her, argue with her, whatever it takes to shut her up when she gets too outrageous. I have to admit it does make me wary of going anywhere with her. My oldest sister, who is now deceased, reached the point where she would not go to restaurants or other public places with my mother, other than doctors and hospitals. I haven't reached that point, but I will say it puts a damper on my willingness to go out in public with her.

This reminds me of a time years ago in a grocery store right before a holiday. The check-out lines were very very long, and people waited more or less patiently for their turn. The little girl behind me pointed at me and said, fairly loudly, "Mommy. There's the fat lady we saw over by the ice cream!" I'm sure her mother felt worse about that than I did. And now she had to stand behind me for what must have felt to her to be a week!

Your profile doesn't say it, but I assume your mother has dementia. Is that correct? Little kids haven't built up the social filters yet, and people with dementia often lose theirs. You mother has probably always noticed fat people, but in the past she had enough sense to keep her thoughts to herself.

When we went on vacation I kept a little stack of cards in my pocket that said, "My husband has Lewy Body Dementia. Thank you for your patience." I only handed out one. The lady smiled at me and nodded. I know other caregivers who routinely carried such cards and handed them out to waitresses, cashiers, anybody who might notice unusual behavior and be disturbed by it.

I think in your place, I would be very selective about where I took my mother. Not to save my feelings -- it is not MY behavior and it shouldn't humiliate me -- but to protect the feelings of those Mother might insult, and to ensure a pleasant time for Mother.

What was the value of taking her to this restaurant? She wound up angry and shouting and not eating her food. She bothered you, a waitress, and probably other patrons. Where is the benefit in taking her to places she is no longer able to enjoy? Instead, put your energy toward thinking up places she can enjoy with minimum risk of disturbing others. In other words, use your social filters since Mother no longer has hers!

I think I would refrain from letting her have alcohol. Secondly, can you try getting take-out instead? Put on some good music, set the table pretty, and eat at home! My mom has dementia, and yes they do say things that are embarrassing. Hope this helps hugs and prayers

devestatedinco, what makes you think the alcohol is responsible for this behavior?

And Boeremeisie1, why did you mention the amount she drank? Does this behavior only happen when she drinks?

I can clearly remember when I was a young teen, reading a letter to "Dear Abby". The letter was complaining about their evening out to a nice - expensive - restaurant. Seems at the table near by was seated a person in a wheelchair, severely disabled, barely able to feed themselves- making a huge mess of it - and making guttural noises as they ate. The person writing was horrified at the sight, said their whole nice evening out was ruined - and asked why, oh why, would anyone like that be taken to a fancy restaurant? Didn't the handicapped persons companions realize they were ruining it for everyone else?

I remember thinking "what kind of a-hole would think that way?" As fate would have it, I had spent two summers as a jr. counselor at a camp for the disabled and for several years already had been assisting in the disabled room at church. So it wasn't like I didn't get it - the idea and image of what the letter writer was saying. But still- I was terribly incensed.

Then I had my own disabled son. There are places I don't take him for his sake - so people won't stare at him. There are other places I don't take him because, yeah - now as an adult I realize there just are places that are not appropriate for my baby - and besides, he has as much fun and enjoys his meal just as much at Sizzler as he would at Ruths Chris. Truth be told - I get ticked when people bring their small, misbehaving children to Ruth's Chris when I'm there!

I've also brought Rainman up to realize - it doesn't matter where we are - McDonald's, the mall, the grocery store, - that he starts to misbehave we will be leaving immediately to go home. And I will say with all modesty aside - my Rainman is an angel in public.

So my point? Not every places is appropriate for every body. Sometimes you need to show some consideration for others around you - and sometimes it's for the person you're with. But if someone can not behave in public - others shouldn't be made to suffer for it.

Countrymouse, I'm not talking about making the mom a prisoner in her home. The writer didn't say whether the mom lives independently or with one of her children anyway. But if we are assuming the mother has some form of dementia, and the daughter or son is being placed in the position of being the responsible adult, then it is perfectly fine for them to draw the line at taking her to venues where she is going to get agitated and insult people.

There is a difference between someone behaving inappropriately (e.g. calling attention to one's self, making too much conversation, etc.) and then being mean or hurtful. In the first case, people nearby can just suck it up and be uncomfortable for a second or too. But insulting someone's appearance is offensive. You never know what kind of day someone's having, first of all. And if you are a decent person, it hurts to see others hurt. I don't see why the daughter or son should have to take their mother out "for fun" just to end up feeling awful and ruining someone else's evening as well.

What lindylu says rings a bell for me - and reminds me of another situation (now, quit rolling your eyes!).

This was back in the day when you had to go to a store to rent movies. Rainman was probably around 10 yrs old. Now, Rainman is very good looking (stop it, he is!), and at a glance he doesn't appear disabled but it only takes a minute or two so see that he clearly is. Anyhoo - Rainman and I were standing in a long line to rent our movies. Standing next to us were two girls about 16 or so. I swear to God- every fourth word they said was "retarded". If the line had been short and moving fast it would have been different but after I had heard "retarded" for the twentieth time I got a little ticked off - and I'm not one of those s people who get my panties in a bunch over being politically correct - but seriously? So - I said something to the young ladies.

The girls were very embarrassed. Seems as is usually the case with insensitive clods - they had no awareness beyond a foot of their bubble. Honestly, I don't know if Rainman was hearing them talk - or frankly - if he even understood the word "retarded". But I did. And yea, it had really started to bother me and it hurt.

Call me old fashioned or even unrealistic- but I think in a civilized society everyone needs to take some responsibility- when out it public - to ensure we are not infringing of the rights- and feelings of others. It's just the polite and civilized thing to do.

I had never heard my Mom make judgements on anyone until the past few years. My Grandma would always say something about almost everyone that passed by.

I am thinking my Mom has always thought those thoughts, those words just came out of her mouth when she developed dementia.

Mom usually looks at someone and I know it's just a matter of time before she says something hurtful so I either hurry her along or start talking about something getting her interested to something else. Dementia is good, in this case, as her attention factor is less than 10 seconds.

And, btw (don't worry I'm not going to tell another story) in the case of jeannegibbs - when the little girl said "Look it's the fat lady..." I can help but think had the little girls mother used that as a teach-able moment and then had the little cherub apologize to jeannegibbs - the little girl might have grown up to be the better for it and be just a tiny bit more sensitive to the feeling of others. But that's just me.

I never said alcohol was responsible for this behavior! The letter stated two glasses were consumed. Period.

devestatedinco, you said you wouldn't let her have alcohol. Why?

... and IF two glasses of wine were consumed on top of any medication- well, two glasses can be more like six. Sorry for butting in but it could be a contributing factor... just saying.

Jeanne, when I was very pregnant with my second child a woman in a supermarket rudely shoved her shopping cart into me as though I'd been standing in her way (I wasn't, she was being impatient). As we waited in line, she did a double take and said "oh sorry! I thought you were fat."

a) Really? I was seven months gone.
and
b) So? It's all right to run your shopping cart into fat people all of a sudden?

All I could think of to say was that she was really horrible, so I didn't say anything.