My Mom cannot afford assisted living. What do I do?

Did you apply to Medicaid? Was she turned down? What reason was given?

It sounds as though she was in rehab at a nursing home and she's used up the 20 days that Medicare will pay for at 100%. From day 21 to 100, there is a copay ( if the patient is making progress).  

Have you applied to the VA for Aid and Attendence?

Some posters here would be knowledgeable about the VA, unfortunately I don't know much about them. But, are you sure she cannot qualify for Medicaid? I'm hoping that posters, such as Igloo can share their experiences - one thing I've learned is not to assume anything, but check for yourself.

I should also say that I have used caregiver.Com but just briefly. I did find a reliable person for my mom in her hometown but that was one of many needed. Between private duty and agency...I'm broke. It's been over 20 years since I've lived pay check to pay check. But I have used all of my savings in any kind of spare money I have attacks out my credit cards trying to pay everybody and I just can't see me quitting my job but I don't know how to pay for all of this stuff and care for her and work

Hello. I'm just joining. Thanks so much for all the information posted here. My mom has Parkinson. Last few years have been the worst/hardest. I'm youngest of six but as many of you have experienced...no one helps. I'm out state from where she was. I first took off 3months..to help . And then upon retiring back to work tried to hire folks to aide her. But it was always so something. So I brought her to stay with me for few months thinking as that would be best . I could still work and car for her without having to travel 4 hours. That lasted about 8months and I was sick of everything and everyone. I thought my family, specifically my sister would help. But no. No one helped. I then too her back home and hired aides to help. Well now I have a 25,000 bill, because I needed night/weekend workers. ..and had to hire an agency.
So I sent back and got her. Her health is worse than ever. I worked . Run hone at lunch to help her then back to work. But she still got bedsores. She became so obstinate.. and they got worse. So in last in the last 5 months she's had 2 surgeries to remove the infection. While I thought that would be helpful. It's worse. She's now in nursing home, but medicare will not pay for longer term care. She doesn't qualify for medicade. I have just found out that she does qualify for an aide. ..finallty. as she has a colostomy bsg, feeding tube....and these open wounds that in reality ....will not heal. I thought surgery would fix it all.
Plus nursing home now says she owes a copay of 160 a day that insurance doesn't pay and it's thousands of dollars.
It's all I can do to hold it together. I'm at threads right now. In the last 3years...I've had these last 3 months where I actuality could sleep uninterrupted. But that's about to end as I have to take her from there, cuz we can't afford it. I've been told that widow of a veteran there's help... but I can find no information to validate that. Any help would be great as my father was a veteran.
Struggling.
Thx.

MsPat, if he is only 55 could he not get Social Security Disability and Medicaid?

Wow, each has their own pain to deal with. As a spouse to my husband of 55 yrs now dealing with ALZ I am trying to find an affordable place for him. I understand its expensive but the cost will force me out of my modest home and than what?? What a scary time in life.

I agree. The biggest need a caregiver has is the need to just vent and be listened to. Advice is needed many times, of course, but just having people who are there to listen, read, and offer a "hug", albeit a digital one, that's what has kept me afloat even more than seeing a counselor in fact!

Annie, you are right that you may have to look for more options. I'd call your Area Agency on Aging or another local aging authority (you can find local options by going to www.aging.gov and finding your state). Your mom may be able to go to some type of assisted living though she sounds almost like she needs a nursing home if she can barely walk. Look for local agencies to help you. State's vary so much in what they provide/allow that going local is the best way. I hope the list you can find from aging.gov helps you.
Take care of yourself,
Carol

Btw....Katiekate if you get an email from me disregard it. Still learning how this works and misunderstood the email I received.

Katiekate thx. I really don't prefer him to go with her but she wants to stay with him. God knows why? I think I'm going to have to call and find out more options.

Annie...at the age of 51 I doubt he can get assistance unless he is disabled. At 51, able bodied....he needs to get a job. I doubt he can get into assisted living with her.

New to this folks. Trying to figure out what's best for my mom. She is 72 and never worked and now pretty encapable of doing anything. It takes major surgery for her to get a shower and go to the dr. Her 2nd husband of 20 years of marriage is 51 and will not and has not worked in 5 years. I think they are both bi-polar and possibly schizphrenic. One of her kids has been paying rent and utilities all that time and is running out of ressources. She has medicaid and receives a small ssi check through welfare not working ssi. She needs assistance with a lot and can't walk far. Their home is falling down around them and we need to get her somewhere else. She wants her husband to go with her but i could care less if he goes homeless at this point. I need to know if she can take him into an assisted living or senior living with her and if medicaid will pay. Anyone know the answer?

It sounds like a very difficult situation. Generally, your local Department on Aging is a good place to start finding resources. In New York City there's also an iPhone App called Nancy which let's you remotely manage care for your parent using your phone. Pretty helpful for a lot of daily stuff like grocery delivery, transportation, cleaning services, meals, etc.

Commonwealth - Medicare and other insurances may pay for a certain length of time, renewed sooner if there is a hospital stay or surgery, as long as there is potential progress to be made and actual progress demonstrated.

Who pays for the elderly to have in patient physical therapy

OK, so VJohnson back to you, how have things gone since you originally posted 2 months ago?

Vikki(Kiwanis!), MM, Bookluver, kudos to you all!

Why sell your Mom's house, rent it and it will pay for assisted living.

Something does not add up. There is one person who is posting repeatedly that nearly everyone else is attacking them, giving useless advice or being very selfish. This person is somewhere beyond burnout at this point and hurting terribly, AND not able to post what the exact situation really is with their caregiving, only that it has gone incredibly badly. And, that it is the system is what is making the difficult impossible for them - a system that we all know is imperfect, though can often be made to work.

We have got to stop responding in kind. We all want to offer sympathy, acceptance, and a shoulder to cry on when that's what someone needs, and advice to look at things differently when they need that even more. We want to share our experiences and make something good come out of the difficult things we have been through by having it be helpful to someone else.

Destroyed - you do need to know that you are in fact coming across as not just suffering and a victim of injustice, but as someone who is unhinged, and that may well be a real-life factor in making it less likely that anyone who is supposed to help you will help you. If you could give the actual back story - kind of Dragnet style - just the facts of the situation and where you are now - it is possible that someone will be able to read between the lines and help you find the key to making something better or at least approaching tolerability. If instead you just want to make the point that your situation is horrible and no one anywhere has a shred of comprehension or compassion for it, if somehow all the put downs of people who really are trying to understand and help are keeping you out of the darkest part of the black hole of despair - the problem is that this approach is hurting others too much, and bringing out the worst in us and it really has to stop. There is a different way to go about this. Think about what you really most deeply want...it may not be possible, because I think what nearly all of us most deeply wanted is for our loved ones not to be deterioriating and needing care, and for ourselves to have their love even if they really did not ever have it to give. But other things we want may be possible: we want to feel good about ourselves, that we have done the best we could see our way to doing, and that we had as positive an impact on our loved ones as possible under the often terribly difficult and sad circumstances.

There is another way for you to reach out and get something of what you need..there is another way we can respond. I've seen it here, I've felt it here. We can do this.

This site is for all caregivers to find answers, seek support from one another. We all comment based on our life, our experiences, what worked for us, what did not. If we were to only comment on what would apply to what would really work for the questing poster's seeking advice, no one would be commenting. Because we Don't Know what would be the real solution. Instead, we post what worked for us. Then it's the questing poster's decision to decide if these advices fit with their situation. If it doesn't, they check the next person and the next.

Just because a person has burned out does not give them the right to accuse or attack other posters' comments. When I found this site about 2 years ago, I was passed burned out from caregiving 2 bedridden parents, clinging to my full time job because I'm not independently wealthy nor were we poor enough to qualify for the federal government's program (for housing, foodstamps, etc..) I had 7 siblings and no one stepped up when dad had his stroke and became bedridden. It was just me and my 2 bedridden parents. Mom was basically a vegetative state on oxygen, stomach tube and trache (constant suctioning every 10 minutes day/night or else she literally chokes to near death if not suctioned in time).

When I found this site, my therapist said that I was close to dying from exhaustion. I was very bitter, angry, resentful, hated my siblings, my parents, God, myself and the whole world. I already decided that I was going to kill myself as the only means to get away from caregiving.

But not once, have I ever attacked anyone here on this site. Yes, I attacked verbally against my siblings, my dad. But not to the strangers here. My bitterness/anger has nothing to do with them. Why should I attack them? So, just because one is burned out and bitter does not give them the right to criticize posters' comments if they are trying to be helpful. If you don't like it, skip it. If you think they are being hurtful, you report it. What I did was vent here all over the different threads my anger and bitterness against my family. I kept venting until I got most of it out of my system. You see, I kept it all inside of me. I'm just so glad that at the time I was venting, no one criticized me like I've been seeing all over this site. There are soooo many bitter angry people here. No thread seems to be safe anymore.

Most important of all, I just keep worrying about the newcomers. They come here seeking for help and I don't want them to be scared off by all the aggressiveness on this site. Sigh....

Hey Maggie........I've got Lots of "skinny" on this one too. Save your typing fingers and don't feed the trolls. They will bite your fingers right off. lol Love to you and thank you for all you bring to this forum. YOU rock!

Destroyed, read your OWN posts: You've offered not one iota of advice to the opening poster, only stopped by to tell us all what a ****** job we're doing trying to help her.

I don't know your back story. Haven't been around long enough.

I can't even imagine why you sign on except to disrupt the forum and take your anger out on a bunch of OTHER caregivers who're doing the best they can with what they have or don't have. Such is not the case with you.

Freqflier: Please note again you can NOT just put an elder in a facility as you seem to think and rant about. Comprehend the posts. The law does not allow anyone to put an elder in a facility, no matter what is wrong with them. Educate yourself. I have been trying to explain legal issues to HELP caregivers. You are up in the air and need some oxygen. Hostility is not the answer, I feel sorry for you.

Maggiemarshall read the posts, I do not live with parent. Freqflyer get some oxygen. This is not a competition folks. Bitter and hostile women on this forum. The hostility from most of you is unbelievable! Apparently everyone here wants to "brag" about how blessed they are and all of the resources they have been blessed with. To even ask why someone would spend their own money to keep a roof over their parent's head and to make sure they have food to eat is coming from the type of people who are not compassionate, caring or have a clue as to what their life and their parent's life would be like if those 'BLESSINGS were not availablein their lives. I can not believe such selfish behavior and sense of entitlement you think you have earned by just having an opinion. My family saved money for all they could. No debts, no living beyond our means, how dare you have the audacity to judge not only me but my family. As for bragging about your "partner", for X amount of years. Try commitment. Right back at you for casting stones. And by the way if your mother gets $1200 a month PLUS all of the government benefits great.
That is NOT the case for all people. This is NOT a competition!
If everyone on this forum is here to brag about what they are getting and have, so be it. Not the type of forum to be used for those seeking help for loved ones and caregiver concerns. You have all made it clear your own personal egos are in much need of validation by the constant berating and hateful comments toward me. I feel sorry for all of you. Your hate is well documented. I am so glad to hear the pettiness of your views on ME instead of the subject. I will author another book and all of you will be reading it and not know I was the writer.

Please try to have a little compassion. Caregiver burnout affects each one differently and "Destroyed"'s defeated and despairing tone sounds like burnout to me. Being an only child, fishing desperately for funds for your ailing parent, feeling frustrated because the only acceptable care options all seem to require lots of money, and fearing for your own personal depletion of funds,not to mention your job and life because your parents didn't save any money and you want to help them, continue to be my challenges these past years and it can make you bitter, angry and defeatist at times.Though I have no idea of "Destroyed"'s personal circumstance, I hear that they could use a little empathy and support. Isn't that what this website is all about?

destroyed , if "all of the advice you are getting is useless", I am curious why you are on the website contributing to the discussions and asking new questions?

I understand from previous postings by you earlier this month that you feel that the Caregiver has no rights and how easy it is for the person who has dementia to call the police and have the Caregiver arrested. Apparently the case didn't turn out the way you had hoped. That's tough situation. And yes, something has to be done.

As for a relative to use all their own money to care for an elder relative, well that was their choice to use their own money to keep the elder at home, or for the elder to use Medicaid and move into a nursing facility. Not all facilities are terrible, if they were no one would be working there, or in residence. And if the facility's has a Alzheimer/Dementia wing, there is not much one can do to make it feel like a 4 or 5-star hotel.

Sorry, I'm not pickin' up what you're puttin' down.

My "family" is my cousin. She comes over once a week and calls every day. My friends? They Facebook me for updates. One, busy earning a living and caring for her own disabled son, and once a month for 3 hours, we get together for dinner with two other of my friends. I never see them otherwise. Those people, and Tom, my partner for 14 years give me my hugs and support. Not exactly a long line. But enough.

You want to throw stones. Okay, I'll play catch with you.

Why are you spending your life savings caring for your parent? Just what kind of care does this parent need that comes out of your pocket? Medicare and a supplement pays for every single thing for my mom. She did work, though. So her Social Security check is the national average of about $1200 a month. After her Medicare and supplement premiums, she has $750 left -- includes a Part D drug program, too. She pays for nothing. Until a year ago when she moved in with me, she got the best medical care on the planet from Loyola University Hospital. Didn't cost her a dime,

What's it costing you? What have you spent your life savings paying for? Why are you different?

And lastly, a repeat of the post you were responding to:

"Our government doesn't float old people away on icebergs. If someone is destitute? They will get the very same care my mom would get in the nursing home that will charge her $9,000/month because she has it. I know this because shirt-tail family has an aunt in that very same facility. She was Medicaid from Day #1. Has been in that facility for six years. She is 101 years old. They can't say enough good things about Lexington. And, since mom rehabbed there for two months? I can't say enough good things either."

Now. If you expect to stay home from work, have your mom pay for the roof over both of your heads and the food you eat in exchange for your care-giving? Then I understand the problem. And it's not the system.

I refuse to believe your state has snake-pit nursing homes. What state? I'll do some homework, 'cause I'm betting you haven't. My money's on you don't want mom in a nursing home because you lose your place to live.

If the care you've witnessed isn't stellar? Well, it's not going to be stellar. That's where you, as her advocate, come in.

And speaking of helping others...where's your OWN contribution beyond attacking those who offer well-meaning suggestions?

I live a blessed life. But the resources I mentioned, Meals on Wheels, a cleaning lady to come in twice a month for $28, a snow shoveller for $15 or $20 a time, a $1000 stipend for companion care . . . those are available to anyone, means or not. Senior apartments available for around $800/month in terrific neighborhoods. Walk to everything. Many MORE services available that mom doesn't get because of her assets. You've got them, too. Give me your state and maybe I'll have a look for them.

In response to MaggieMarshal: The Man in your life that does everything for you, the support you get from your family. Fantastic for you. Some caregivers have NO LIVING FAMILY! Some caregivers have spent their ENTIRE life savings caring for an elderly parent. How about this MaggieMarshal, what resources would you have left when you had your family members murdered and the only one left has dementia/Alzheimer's. REALITY CHECK!

Same to you RCW6532. Your response was of no use. At least you got up off the sofa. Educate yourself. To Maggiemarshall: Happy to hear you have such great support. How perfectly wonderful you have a devoted family and you have found solace in the available resources that you mention. Your case and circumstances are entirely yours. Not everyone has what you have nor have received the wonderful outcome of resources that you boast about. I wish everyone could have the same as you. It is NOT the case for many. People on this forum are terribly territorial in what they BELIEVE is available for everyone. I am positive resources vary from state to state. Did that ever cross your mind.
I have been in my state's facilities for the elderly and I can tell you I would not put any living creature in those places. Consider yourself lucky. Thank the LORD you are not in the position of others seeking help. Please understand, what you have/are experiencing is not the NORM for everyone. You come off as a braggart. We are all happy for you and your family. Now, back to business of helping others who are NOT so fortunate.

"destroyed" you sound like a bitter no nothing that should just keep your "ideas" to yourself. Someone like you is no help that is for sure.

Well, Destroyed, my mom is dying in the other room. All the money in the world is not going to stop that. But the family who sits with me as I sit with her? Those who hug me tight and tell me I'm doing the right thing? Priceless. The man in my life who runs my errands and becomes six extra pair of hands when I need them? Who sheds the same tears I'm shedding? Money can't buy that either.

Our government doesn't float old people away on icebergs. If someone is destitute? They will get the very same care my mom would get in the nursing home that will charge her $9,000/month because she has it. I know this because shirt-tail family has an aunt in that very same facility. She was Medicaid from Day #1. Has been in that facility for six years. She is 101 years old. They can't say enough good things about Lexington. And, since mom rehabbed there for two months? I can't say enough good things either.

When family surrenders . . . when they say, "I can't manage anymore," there is help galore out there...AFTER that person has spent their own money. Families want to "save the home" -- "save their inheritance" -- have a low-cost place to live while they're "care-taking" their loved one -- who don't EVER want to see them spend what they've saved all their lives to accumulate?

Those people are their own worst enemies. Money is NOT the problem. Trying to hang ON to it is the problem.