Mom, 98 with dementia, lives with us. She is scared to sleep alone and wants me to "get someone to sleep with her". Anyone experience this?

I feel your pain what about getting her a stuffed toy like a cat and tell her that the cat is lonely and needs her to cuddle it and take it into her bed with her? My mum lives alone and is always saying she hates being lonely etc it is so stressful but what can you do hope this helps

Do not allow her to sleep with with you. All of these are good ideas but if they have dementia, I don't think anything will work. I hate to say it - but when people have dementia they make life horrible for those taking care of them. Do you want to continue to live like this or do you want to place her where she is cared for and you can live in peace. I know what I would do. Good luck.

JoAnn29,

I hardly think a little hook lock on the outside of the door is going to get the fire department all worked up. A hook lock. Not a deadbolt.
Also, a little hook lock is a lot easier to unlatch with one finger in an emergency such as a fire, then it would to take a gate down. Of course today the whole world is zero tolerance on this and on that. Really all this means is zero thinking. There are appropriate restraints that do not harm and keep a person safe. Yet, they are no longer allowed. I remember in the nursing home my father was in. They considered him a fall risk. So rather than put up the side rails on his bed for this purpose, they put a mat on the floor. Better the frail, elderly person fall out of bed onto the floor then prevent such risk with side rails up. I suppose it's better the demented elder fall on the floor trying to get over a baby gate, then to put a little hook on the outside of the door.

Ask her doctor to prescribe anti-anxiety medication that you can give her before bed. Also getting her a doll or a teddy bear might help too.
Whatever you do, DO NOT start sleeping with her. You cannot allow that habit to be established with her. The same as parents cannot allow that habit to be established with a child. Also, you have to learn how to ignore with love. People often have to do this with kids. Stop answering her and explaining to her all night long. When it's bedtime, it's bedtime and that's it. You have to ignore her.
I've known many of my homecare clients whose families were at the end of their rope because they had an elder with dementia who wouldn't sleep on their own. With a few of the married couples the elder with dementia would leave their room and get into bed with them. You can't have that.
The anti-anxiety medication at night and a doll or teddy bear helped. You may also have to put a lock on the outside of her bedroom door too. A few families I worked for had to do that. It's for the senior's own safety. If they're still mobile but have dementia, they can get up at night and wander.

Wow…after 27 yrs in the geriatric field including dementia units this is a new one for me. I guess I would try a body pillow next to her {they are as large as a small person} and put it up against her. Also I would try a radio on very very softly in the background..at her next MD appointment I would discuss this…like a child if you start sleeping there you will be stuck there. I would not do it. Ps: HEATING PADS IN BED ARE DANGEROUS for burns! Do not do that..

A hot water bottle, perhaps? I have one with a nice fluffy cover, good to cuddle.

She probably needs a sleep medication to help her go to sleep faster and more soundly.

Maybe try a body pillow next to her with a heating pad for warmth.

Some seniors with dementia find comfort in a toy - a stuffed animal or a doll.

Also talk to her doctor about either an anti-anxiety medication or a sleep medication to help her get to sleep easier.

She may need to be in assisted living or in a memory care facility.
You cannot talk to a person with dementia as if they do not have it.
Set boundaries; stick to them; be kind and clear.

* Never ever argue. Instead, acknowledge their feelings or reflective communication "I hear you saying . . . " ... "I understand you feel xxx"

I suggest you consider / try:

* a body pillow

* Dog or cat that move and make animal noises - requires batteries so not sure good for in the bed under the covers.

* Consider medication to help with the fear causing the distress and request

* Get a cot and ask someone to spend the night - try for once a week. They could talk to her until she falls asleep.

* Get a CD player for soothing music.

* DO NOT allow anyone to sleep in her bed w/her unless you/family member you trust. Sharing a bed sounds very unhealthy and a habit you do not want to start.

* Try a foot massage (or hand, or head) before sleep time to relax her.

* If a discussion lasts longer than you feel is warranted, this is your responsibility to end it - learn to set boundaries. You are giving your personal power away and allowing adverse patterns of behavior to be set up.
- After you clarify your position and what will and will not happen, say "I'll write this down for you" so you'll have a reference OR "we discussed xxx (bullet point reminder). If you want to discuss it more, we can do that tomorrow." then LEAVE the room.

Gena and nighty night. Sleep tight !

Perhaps a weighted lap toy?

These are used for kiddos with anxiety.

Here's an example:

https://smile.amazon.com/Weighted-Blanket-Kids-SENSORY4U-Concentration/dp/B07PF3137C/ref=sr_1_3?crid=2G8DYGR1I0JGA&keywords=weighted+stuffed+animals+for+anxiety&qid=1637275620&qsid=138-4997505-3834203&sprefix=weighted+stuffed%2Caps%2C197&sr=8-3&sres=B07MM395FQ%2CB07PF3137C%2CB07NSDS64K%2CB095MG8WVK%2CB07YL6HYYX%2CB079Y6JHN6%2CB08NYM1FVK%2CB002STBXJI%2CB07GT8PWLS%2CB07VTXCTVC%2CB01LZAFBBD%2CB004AP8DT6%2CB08BST34Y3%2CB002WILK7A%2CB01IV2DINO%2CB07D9ZKMTP%2CB083Q1JCNP%2CB01LXC8Y9T%2CB082Z63FNV%2CB08WC63FNH

Here is a thread on this very subject from 2016 that you may be able to glean some useful tips from:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/elderly-mother-with-dementia-wants-sleep-in-my-bed-210089.htm?orderby=recent

I have and use a large Bamboo body pillow you can find here:

https://www.amazon.com/Linen-Plus-Shredded-Breathable-Hypoallergenic/dp/B07LFNQL7Y/ref=sr_1_5?crid=1HBHD6Q1HSTL9&keywords=bamboo+body+pillow&qid=1637257583&sprefix=bamboo+body+%2Caps%2C281&sr=8-5

This pillow is VERY heavy b/c it's filled with shredded memory foam. You can buy a pillowcase for it and 'dress' the pillowcase up as a character, like a woman with hair, a face, and wearing clothing. Make it look like a 'girlfriend' in other words, if you are handy with a needle and thread. You can lay this pillow next to mom and she can hug it/hold onto it and it may feel to her like a body in bed with her, no joke. The pillow is 54" long, the size of a person..........so it may just do the trick to help her feel not so alone in her own bed.

Just a thought.

Best of luck with a difficult situation.

Does she like cats? There’s something called the “Companion Cat” and it purrs (even vibrates), meows, sleeps, and responds to touch. Maybe that would help because she wouldn’t feel alone?

https://www.amazon.com/Ageless-Innovation-Companion-Lifelike-Realistic/dp/B017JQQ01A/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=Companion+cat&qid=1637256526&sr=8-2

Comes in 3 different colors.

Those with Dementia become like small children. This maybe why she wants someone to sleep with her or she sleeps with you. Is she having "night terrors". Does she scream out in her sleeep? I would tell her doctor of the change. There maybe a medication.

Maybe a stuffed animal or a doll would help. There are realistic cats and dogs. Like a small child, something for security. She maybe looking at u as her mother not her daughter.

You've probably already done this, but maybe leave a nightlight on in her room with the door to your and her bedroom open?

My mom went through this although maybe not quite to the extend you are experiencing. In a lot of ways it was like mom was once again a small child and similar strategies as you would use for children worked for us. I would sometimes lay down beside her on top of the covers until she went to sleep (I had explained beforehand that was what I was doing). This was also the phase when she was willing to accept a teddy bear and that seemed to comfort her when she was afraid to be alone.