Mom, 98 with dementia, lives with us. She is scared to sleep alone and wants me to "get someone to sleep with her". Anyone experience this?

My mom went through this although maybe not quite to the extend you are experiencing. In a lot of ways it was like mom was once again a small child and similar strategies as you would use for children worked for us. I would sometimes lay down beside her on top of the covers until she went to sleep (I had explained beforehand that was what I was doing). This was also the phase when she was willing to accept a teddy bear and that seemed to comfort her when she was afraid to be alone.

You've probably already done this, but maybe leave a nightlight on in her room with the door to your and her bedroom open?

Those with Dementia become like small children. This maybe why she wants someone to sleep with her or she sleeps with you. Is she having "night terrors". Does she scream out in her sleeep? I would tell her doctor of the change. There maybe a medication.

Maybe a stuffed animal or a doll would help. There are realistic cats and dogs. Like a small child, something for security. She maybe looking at u as her mother not her daughter.

Does she like cats? There’s something called the “Companion Cat” and it purrs (even vibrates), meows, sleeps, and responds to touch. Maybe that would help because she wouldn’t feel alone?

https://www.amazon.com/Ageless-Innovation-Companion-Lifelike-Realistic/dp/B017JQQ01A/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=Companion+cat&qid=1637256526&sr=8-2

Comes in 3 different colors.

Here is a thread on this very subject from 2016 that you may be able to glean some useful tips from:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/elderly-mother-with-dementia-wants-sleep-in-my-bed-210089.htm?orderby=recent

I have and use a large Bamboo body pillow you can find here:

https://www.amazon.com/Linen-Plus-Shredded-Breathable-Hypoallergenic/dp/B07LFNQL7Y/ref=sr_1_5?crid=1HBHD6Q1HSTL9&keywords=bamboo+body+pillow&qid=1637257583&sprefix=bamboo+body+%2Caps%2C281&sr=8-5

This pillow is VERY heavy b/c it's filled with shredded memory foam. You can buy a pillowcase for it and 'dress' the pillowcase up as a character, like a woman with hair, a face, and wearing clothing. Make it look like a 'girlfriend' in other words, if you are handy with a needle and thread. You can lay this pillow next to mom and she can hug it/hold onto it and it may feel to her like a body in bed with her, no joke. The pillow is 54" long, the size of a person..........so it may just do the trick to help her feel not so alone in her own bed.

Just a thought.

Best of luck with a difficult situation.

Perhaps a weighted lap toy?

These are used for kiddos with anxiety.

Here's an example:

https://smile.amazon.com/Weighted-Blanket-Kids-SENSORY4U-Concentration/dp/B07PF3137C/ref=sr_1_3?crid=2G8DYGR1I0JGA&keywords=weighted+stuffed+animals+for+anxiety&qid=1637275620&qsid=138-4997505-3834203&sprefix=weighted+stuffed%2Caps%2C197&sr=8-3&sres=B07MM395FQ%2CB07PF3137C%2CB07NSDS64K%2CB095MG8WVK%2CB07YL6HYYX%2CB079Y6JHN6%2CB08NYM1FVK%2CB002STBXJI%2CB07GT8PWLS%2CB07VTXCTVC%2CB01LZAFBBD%2CB004AP8DT6%2CB08BST34Y3%2CB002WILK7A%2CB01IV2DINO%2CB07D9ZKMTP%2CB083Q1JCNP%2CB01LXC8Y9T%2CB082Z63FNV%2CB08WC63FNH

She may need to be in assisted living or in a memory care facility.
You cannot talk to a person with dementia as if they do not have it.
Set boundaries; stick to them; be kind and clear.

* Never ever argue. Instead, acknowledge their feelings or reflective communication "I hear you saying . . . " ... "I understand you feel xxx"

I suggest you consider / try:

* a body pillow

* Dog or cat that move and make animal noises - requires batteries so not sure good for in the bed under the covers.

* Consider medication to help with the fear causing the distress and request

* Get a cot and ask someone to spend the night - try for once a week. They could talk to her until she falls asleep.

* Get a CD player for soothing music.

* DO NOT allow anyone to sleep in her bed w/her unless you/family member you trust. Sharing a bed sounds very unhealthy and a habit you do not want to start.

* Try a foot massage (or hand, or head) before sleep time to relax her.

* If a discussion lasts longer than you feel is warranted, this is your responsibility to end it - learn to set boundaries. You are giving your personal power away and allowing adverse patterns of behavior to be set up.
- After you clarify your position and what will and will not happen, say "I'll write this down for you" so you'll have a reference OR "we discussed xxx (bullet point reminder). If you want to discuss it more, we can do that tomorrow." then LEAVE the room.

Gena and nighty night. Sleep tight !

Maybe try a body pillow next to her with a heating pad for warmth.

Some seniors with dementia find comfort in a toy - a stuffed animal or a doll.

Also talk to her doctor about either an anti-anxiety medication or a sleep medication to help her get to sleep easier.

She probably needs a sleep medication to help her go to sleep faster and more soundly.

A hot water bottle, perhaps? I have one with a nice fluffy cover, good to cuddle.

Wow…after 27 yrs in the geriatric field including dementia units this is a new one for me. I guess I would try a body pillow next to her {they are as large as a small person} and put it up against her. Also I would try a radio on very very softly in the background..at her next MD appointment I would discuss this…like a child if you start sleeping there you will be stuck there. I would not do it. Ps: HEATING PADS IN BED ARE DANGEROUS for burns! Do not do that..

Ask her doctor to prescribe anti-anxiety medication that you can give her before bed. Also getting her a doll or a teddy bear might help too.
Whatever you do, DO NOT start sleeping with her. You cannot allow that habit to be established with her. The same as parents cannot allow that habit to be established with a child. Also, you have to learn how to ignore with love. People often have to do this with kids. Stop answering her and explaining to her all night long. When it's bedtime, it's bedtime and that's it. You have to ignore her.
I've known many of my homecare clients whose families were at the end of their rope because they had an elder with dementia who wouldn't sleep on their own. With a few of the married couples the elder with dementia would leave their room and get into bed with them. You can't have that.
The anti-anxiety medication at night and a doll or teddy bear helped. You may also have to put a lock on the outside of her bedroom door too. A few families I worked for had to do that. It's for the senior's own safety. If they're still mobile but have dementia, they can get up at night and wander.

JoAnn29,

I hardly think a little hook lock on the outside of the door is going to get the fire department all worked up. A hook lock. Not a deadbolt.
Also, a little hook lock is a lot easier to unlatch with one finger in an emergency such as a fire, then it would to take a gate down. Of course today the whole world is zero tolerance on this and on that. Really all this means is zero thinking. There are appropriate restraints that do not harm and keep a person safe. Yet, they are no longer allowed. I remember in the nursing home my father was in. They considered him a fall risk. So rather than put up the side rails on his bed for this purpose, they put a mat on the floor. Better the frail, elderly person fall out of bed onto the floor then prevent such risk with side rails up. I suppose it's better the demented elder fall on the floor trying to get over a baby gate, then to put a little hook on the outside of the door.

Do not allow her to sleep with with you. All of these are good ideas but if they have dementia, I don't think anything will work. I hate to say it - but when people have dementia they make life horrible for those taking care of them. Do you want to continue to live like this or do you want to place her where she is cared for and you can live in peace. I know what I would do. Good luck.

I feel your pain what about getting her a stuffed toy like a cat and tell her that the cat is lonely and needs her to cuddle it and take it into her bed with her? My mum lives alone and is always saying she hates being lonely etc it is so stressful but what can you do hope this helps

My Mother-In-Law used to try and crawl in bed with us. Not a lot just here and there. I generally would walk her back to her room and sit with her. Sometimes I sang lullabies. Once or twice I crawled in with her. It never turned into a nightly thing. I would say maybe 4 times with weeks or months between. We did have a pill if we needed it. I think we used it maybe 3 times. It would knock her out.

How about a doll or a teddy bear etc,. with her, or if it doesn't work, put a cot in your room. You and your husband are caring enough to have her live with you, maybe a cot in the room or just outside the room, might work?

My mother with Alzheimers went through this stage of wanting to sleep with me. I left the light on and the TV in her room on all night to comfort her. I also got her a baby doll. The doll did the trick. Ashton-Drake has a doll specifically designed for Alzheimer's patients. My Mom loves it! You can also try a sleep aid, such as Trazadone. That worked extremely well for my Mom. Good luck to you.

She may feel afraid and lonely. Get her a HUGE soft teddy bear and have her name him . Put him in bed with her every night but also have him near her during the day as well. Keep night lights in her room but make sure they aren’t casting scary shadows. She has become a child again. Good luck

Stuffed animals, or lifelike baby dolls often do the trick. Some of them have "voices" and move. My 98-year old mother liked a cat that meowed and moved. All the best to your mother and you and your family!

They gave my grandma a life like baby doll to hold and she held it all the time at the end. She always loved babies and children and it was a comfort to her. When I cared for my dad who had dementia right at the end he seemed to be grasping and so I gave him a stuffed animal to hold. It seemed to calm him a lot to hold onto something. Anyway, I don’t know if that will satisfy your mom but just as a child loves a stuffy at bedtime, perhaps it might help.

I would lay die with my mom for a few minutes until she settled in. Then I would get up to use the bathroom, or some such excuse. She was OK to sleep alone after that.

Hi, this may be mentioned already, i dont have time to read through all posts right now, but my 87 yr old mom with vascular dementia LOVES a robotronic cat that I bought for her....it cost $129, but worth every penny, instead of calling my or my Dad's name every 30seconds when we leave her to do something, she now pets and talks to cat...maybe it would help your mom stay alone at night? Go to JoyForAll.com made by a company called Ageless Innovations...Good luck!

I'm the one who can't let babies "cry it out" and end up cuddling them to sleep, so I'd probably be sleeping with my mom and wondering how to get out of the situation. LOL.
When my son went through this stage (age 2), I found that talking about it in the morning when everyone was rested and cheerful did a lot more good than arguing about it at night when everyone was tired and upset. Since your mom has dementia, it might take a LOT of talking when everyone is rested and cheerful.
Definitely try the nightlight, lovie, soft music options.
My mom had trouble interpreting what she saw, and shadows turned into bugs on the wall, while lights from outside looked like faces in the window so we would leave the room lights on and close the blinds.
If you suspect anxiety, talk to her doctor about medicine.
Do you need to set up a baby monitor so you can hear if she needs you during the night?
When my mom got to the point that she could not roll over in bed by herself or transfer from bed to wheelchair, and was incontinent, I arranged to get a hospital bed in her room to make her care easier. I moved her queen size bed into the guest bedroom and the twin bed from the guest bedroom went into her room. Without any discussion, or any request from my mom, I and one of her aides started sleeping in her room when we were on duty. The other aide was a deeper sleeper, and, to avoid going to sleep, had already been sitting in a chair in my mom's room while my mom slept. We did this to comfort ourselves, and to make sure we would hear if my mom needed anything. This lasted until my mom died about six weeks later.

Is a cat an option?

Do not give in taking her in your bed or going to hers and do not start with a cot. Set boundaries and try to get her a sleeping pill. You have to be tough. Perhaps get her a huge stuffed animal to have in bed with her. And, as someone suggested, do NOT get an animal. The animal won't understand what she might do and there will be problems - either the cat will lash out or completely hide and she would not have the slightest idea in the world how to care for a kitty. I love animals and could never be without one - ever - but it will all fall on you. Please consider the time may be coming when she needs to be placed into a facility where they are trained and paid to handle these issues. You need to live your own life.

My dad was the same way. I bought a body pillow. He thinks someone is in bed with him.

When he goes to bed he talks to the body pillow and pats it.

Much like a child yes? it is the disease talking. How about body pillow with heating pad. If you have the energy, be in the room reading until she falls asleep. She has a lot of fears in her brain with the disease. It exhausts you but terrifies her.
it isnt easy. one of the hardest things of caregiving

Hello:
I went through the same with my mother as her dementia deepened.
She would not stay in her bed and wanted to sleep with me. After a few sleepless nights trying to get her to sleep in her bed, she started sleeping in my bed. I was single at that time.
However, I was working full time and needed my rest. I really resented this, I was a single woman in her 40's sleeping in the same bed with her mother. I wondered how did my life get to this point? I realized I had to get over it and deal with what was at hand.
On the other hand, my mom seemed to morph back to a frightened girl at times.
Sleeping with me calmed her down and made her feel safe. What was happening to her was frightening enough. That was MY job to keep her safe as a her caregiver. She did the same for me as a mother.
I also knew that this could not go on for her or me. What I did was:
1. Got her ready for bed in her room.
2.Had soft music or calm tv playing. Old movies or PBS was great for this.
3. Got her in bed and made sure she was comfortable.
4. Had a soft light on and kept it on so she would not wake up in the dark.
5. Sat next to her. Sometimes I would read to her and she'd drift off. Sometimes I'd sit next to her watching tv and she would drift off. Or we would listen to music.
6. Kept the bathroom light on so if she went to the bathroom, she could see.
Once she was in a deep sleep, I'd go to my bed. A few times, she would get up
come to my door, look in but would go back to her room and sleep the rest of the night. I was afraid that she would fall downstairs trying to get downstairs but that never happened.
This behavior did not last long but was one of the behaviors exhibited after her dementia deepened. After a while, I got a hospital bed and she slept downstairs.
I sat with her a while, then she would drift off and I would go upstairs. The doors would be locked(she did not remember how to unlock) and I left the light on in the living room. By then, she was wearing Depends.
That worked for us until she was placed.
Perhaps this behavior will not last long with your mother. My mother's behaviors came and went. I disagree with some of the "tough love" answers. You will have to figure out what will work best for your mother. Try some of the softer approaches (body pillow, soft toys, sitting with her, etc...) while trying get your rest.
Good luck.