Mama is 91 and in LTC. They’ve been on lockdown for 6 weeks. I’m terrified that I will never see her alive again. Anybody else feel this way?

So many of us are going through exactly what you are and it is so hard. My MIL is 93 and was fairly active up until the virus hit. Now her body is breaking down. She has Lyme Disease and if she does not get to the chiropractor and exercise often her body stiffens up and is very painful. We cannot see her, either, as she is on the 3rd floor of her building. This is a lose-lose situation we have going on right now. It is downright sad.

Sad, unintended consequences. The cure for this virus is worse than the virus itself.

Yes. I agree. My mom is in memory care and is 91. All I want is to see her before she dies. She has been in hospice care there for a year and last time I saw her in February she was getting weaker and more agitated. Seriously thinking of taking her home to my house.

I sympathize with you! Although my mother is in a memory care unit I was her full time care giver from noon til 9 pm 7 days a week. She had another private duty care giver from 8 am till noon so she was never alone. I know first hand how over worked the facility care givers are. There have been 34 cases of the virus on her unit alone. 16 of them are coworkers that she had contact with. 5 residents have died! My mom needs help eating. The caregivers don’t take the time to help her. She’s lost 9 pounds in the month of lockdown. I am so scared we will not see again or if we do she will not know who I am. I speak to her by phone a couple of times a day. She’s scared and confused. She doesn’t understand why Im not there. I )use want to be able to see her and reassure her. I miss my mom so much!

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My dads 90, in MC and I share your fear. He’s trying to stay upbeat, but as this lockdown continues, he’s getting more confused, down and losing hope. I’ve considered taking him out and finding 24 hour care in an apt, but I know the logistics become very difficult, not to mention big changes launch him further down the dementia tunnel. We want Dad to be safe, but also want him to feel he has a life. I took him out places several times a week before the lockdown. I feel quirky leaving him there, but worry I’d be negligent if I move him. Am praying for strength and guidance. I feel your pain and believe we have to hang in there.

I feel EXACTLY like you do. My mother is 92 in assisted living and also in lockdown for about 6 weeks.
Just today the assisted living told me and my brother that mom needs to move to a nursing home. We weren’t surprised, as we had a bit of a warning that this might be coming. Due to the lockdown I had to tell mom the news by phone today instead of in person. Mom is distraught and scared. She knows that her children can’t help with the move, that we can’t go with her to the new place, can’t get her settled in the new place, can’t even give her a hug. All of our hearts are breaking. Not knowing how long lockdowns will be...will I ever see her alive again?
I fear she will now start to decline fast. She’ll be with strangers and can’t see her family. What’s the motivation to live?
To anyone who reads this, thanks for listening.
DebraHanna, thanks for sharing.

Yes, I was feeling terrified like you. Last Friday the stats came out on nursing homes in CA with covid infection rates and I saw that 14 staff were positive.

My aunt went into the hospital last saturday and I found out from my weekly call to her that she was not at the nursing home (... I should be on the emergency contact list and she was admitted into ER but there was no call). The staff at the nursing home and the nurse at the hospital was forthcoming with her status once I called.

The hospital nurse was kind enough to arrange and facilitate a call and this meant everything. My aunt heard that she was not alone and we were with her in spirit. I am grateful for all the healthcare workers who are on the frontline which is the current situation. As family, their actions mean everything since we can't be present.

Even when you are able to be with a loved one in the hospital or nursing home, there is not much you can do but be present. Hoping my aunt knows in her heart she is not alone at this time.

I relied on an aide in my mom's ALF to contact me each week.First week of April no contact.At ten days I emailed to get back to me.April 17 a call my mom in the emergency room and dead April 18.I find out the aide I relied on got back to me April 19 she was out the two weeks with "a cold". So,I was forced to rely on the ALF and Mom died. I don't know her condition or anything the two weeks with no contact. If you can care for a person at home as best you can until virus is gone I'd do so.I feel myself and the ALF killed my mom though she did not have a lot of time nor seemed too happy there.She wanted to die in her house.I prevented her from that and I regret it.She was only at the ALF since the end of Feb 2020.Best wishes and I guess go with your gut.

Oh YES, I absolutely understand you. The shutdown happened SO SUDDENLY here that my whole routine of being with her was instantly and terrifyingly disrupted.

I had her weekly gum and knee high stockings right by the door to go to her, and finally had to put them out of my own sight -it distressed me every time I saw them.

So, in our case the very worst happened. In spite of every effort and an early lock down, she became ill, and was diagnosed.

For 3 weeks, I held my breath. Every time the phone rang, I jumped and my heart stopped.

For a week, I heard nothing, and every day was worse than the day before for me. Finally, we learned last Saturday that she’d turned the corner, and yesterday, I took part in a phone conference leading to her discharge from the Covid19 program.

She is also 91, almost 92. She is feisty and bull headed and back to giving them a hard time.

I have to be resigned to the fact that I may not see her again in this world, but the joy of learning that she put this menace in its place is worth the world to me. Still hoping that somehow I can get to her soon.

My husband and I pray every single afternoon at 4 for the needs of those who suffer and those who love them. We are old, and unable to help any other way.

Same for me. Dad is in LTC and I was scheduled to visit on Mar 15 for a week but got a call from the LTC just after the car was packed to say don't come we're in lockdown.

He is in Canada and I am an hour outside of NYC so even once the LTC allows visitors I'll have to contend with a border crossing and potentially spend 2 weeks in isolation up there before I can see him.

I'm worried sick about him. He's 93, diabetic, obese and respiratory and heart challenges. We speak daily, I send care packages and hope that I'll be able to see him at least one more time but it seems doubtful the longer this goes. The LTC has been wonderful about connecting residents and loved ones on Facetime....perhaps this is something you can ask about.

The only extended family I have is twin brothers and their families that I haven't spoken to for over a year. There are no aunts, uncles, cousins and very few family friends left so when Dad goes I feel like I'll lose my ties to my home country. I'm trying to prepare myself for the inevitable but it's tough.

Take care of yourself and know that we all wish you the best Debra.

Sadly, this just happened to me. My father, also 91, just died from the Covid19. I usually would visit him every few days and keep his spirits up and he would so look forward to seeing me. The facility went in lockdown a few weeks ago and I haven’t been able to see him since. I would call him and FaceTimed him once. He sadly suddenly became very sick and died a few days later. I wasn’t able to see him and that breaks my heart. He died in the hospital and the nurse there- bless her heart -stayed with him through his last breath. She told me he wasn’t alone. I’m still trying to grasp all of this. I did send him letters also while he was there. Just keep praying that you can see your family again, this whole situation is tragic! Keep in close contact with the nursing staff and call often or try FaceTime that is all you can do.

Yes, I am worried, too. But, I do notice all the precautions my nursing home administrator is taking. If you have developed a relationship with any of the nursing staff..people who have been caring toward you and your mom...see if you can speak to them from time to time for an update. My sister and I go every day to pick up my mom's laundry...and often the nurses aide or nurse comes down to give it to us. We can then ask directly how things are going and how mom is doing. It is hard communicating by phone as they are busy.

If you are lucky enough to have your parent on the first floor, you may be able to see your mom through the window. Also, see if the activities staff will do a video call. I send letters to my mom every day that the staff read to her. It is hard, even so. I saw one man who had a cherry picker and said hello to his mom on the second floor via a ride in the bucket. It shows how desperate we are to connect.

I think many if not all people feel as you do. Anyone with family members in a facility is naturally concerned.

So many of our elderly have become infected. Even with frontline workers doing their very best, it’s still so hard to deal with this situation at hand.

Best wishes to you and your family. I am keeping all of you in my heart and prayers.

Can't you talk to your mom on the phone? Does she not understand where she is and what is going on? If that is the case, then you are blessed, in a weird way--she won't remember the last time she saw you--so all the guilt will sadly, be on you.

Doesn't make it easier for her--but in time, it will for you.

My mother has undxed dementia and couldn't tell you when you last saw her or what you spoke about. I don't see her much these days (she lives with YB).

I try to make each very short visit as pleasant as possible b/c I know she won't live forever, and I don't want my last words with her to have been unpleasant. I am finding that harder and harder to do.

If she cannot carry on a conversation, then you should probably sign the DNR. I know that's hard--but we all know our LO's don't go into NHs to get well. They go to die.

I sound callous, but I'm not. Our parents will not live forever, and sadly, it;s looking like COvid19 is really taking its toll on the elderly.

Try calling her and if that isn't workable--maybe send a living letter in to her for an aide to read to her.

Life generally doesn't work out the way we plan, does it?

I feel exactly the same way! My mother (82) has been in the dementia wing at a rehab/ LTC facility since April 2 following a hospital stay. I received a couple of calls last week that informed me that 2 residents and 1 staff member had tested positive for CV. Then, yesterday I was informed that my Mother has tested positive although asymptomatic. They said her vitals are all fine but informed me that they are discontinuing unnecessary medications temporarily and adding oxygen. Also, she is confined to her room. Then I received a call asking me if I wanted to sign a do not resuscitate form! I am terrified! I too feel like I will never see my mom alive again. I keep rehashing leaving her that day. They were on lockdown and I couldnt go pass the lobby. Wondering what she's going through! Feeling tremendous guilt!