Mama is 91 and in LTC. They’ve been on lockdown for 6 weeks. I’m terrified that I will never see her alive again. Anybody else feel this way?

I feel exactly the same way! My mother (82) has been in the dementia wing at a rehab/ LTC facility since April 2 following a hospital stay. I received a couple of calls last week that informed me that 2 residents and 1 staff member had tested positive for CV. Then, yesterday I was informed that my Mother has tested positive although asymptomatic. They said her vitals are all fine but informed me that they are discontinuing unnecessary medications temporarily and adding oxygen. Also, she is confined to her room. Then I received a call asking me if I wanted to sign a do not resuscitate form! I am terrified! I too feel like I will never see my mom alive again. I keep rehashing leaving her that day. They were on lockdown and I couldnt go pass the lobby. Wondering what she's going through! Feeling tremendous guilt!

Can't you talk to your mom on the phone? Does she not understand where she is and what is going on? If that is the case, then you are blessed, in a weird way--she won't remember the last time she saw you--so all the guilt will sadly, be on you.

Doesn't make it easier for her--but in time, it will for you.

My mother has undxed dementia and couldn't tell you when you last saw her or what you spoke about. I don't see her much these days (she lives with YB).

I try to make each very short visit as pleasant as possible b/c I know she won't live forever, and I don't want my last words with her to have been unpleasant. I am finding that harder and harder to do.

If she cannot carry on a conversation, then you should probably sign the DNR. I know that's hard--but we all know our LO's don't go into NHs to get well. They go to die.

I sound callous, but I'm not. Our parents will not live forever, and sadly, it;s looking like COvid19 is really taking its toll on the elderly.

Try calling her and if that isn't workable--maybe send a living letter in to her for an aide to read to her.

Life generally doesn't work out the way we plan, does it?

I think many if not all people feel as you do. Anyone with family members in a facility is naturally concerned.

So many of our elderly have become infected. Even with frontline workers doing their very best, it’s still so hard to deal with this situation at hand.

Best wishes to you and your family. I am keeping all of you in my heart and prayers.

Yes, I am worried, too. But, I do notice all the precautions my nursing home administrator is taking. If you have developed a relationship with any of the nursing staff..people who have been caring toward you and your mom...see if you can speak to them from time to time for an update. My sister and I go every day to pick up my mom's laundry...and often the nurses aide or nurse comes down to give it to us. We can then ask directly how things are going and how mom is doing. It is hard communicating by phone as they are busy.

If you are lucky enough to have your parent on the first floor, you may be able to see your mom through the window. Also, see if the activities staff will do a video call. I send letters to my mom every day that the staff read to her. It is hard, even so. I saw one man who had a cherry picker and said hello to his mom on the second floor via a ride in the bucket. It shows how desperate we are to connect.

Sadly, this just happened to me. My father, also 91, just died from the Covid19. I usually would visit him every few days and keep his spirits up and he would so look forward to seeing me. The facility went in lockdown a few weeks ago and I haven’t been able to see him since. I would call him and FaceTimed him once. He sadly suddenly became very sick and died a few days later. I wasn’t able to see him and that breaks my heart. He died in the hospital and the nurse there- bless her heart -stayed with him through his last breath. She told me he wasn’t alone. I’m still trying to grasp all of this. I did send him letters also while he was there. Just keep praying that you can see your family again, this whole situation is tragic! Keep in close contact with the nursing staff and call often or try FaceTime that is all you can do.

Same for me. Dad is in LTC and I was scheduled to visit on Mar 15 for a week but got a call from the LTC just after the car was packed to say don't come we're in lockdown.

He is in Canada and I am an hour outside of NYC so even once the LTC allows visitors I'll have to contend with a border crossing and potentially spend 2 weeks in isolation up there before I can see him.

I'm worried sick about him. He's 93, diabetic, obese and respiratory and heart challenges. We speak daily, I send care packages and hope that I'll be able to see him at least one more time but it seems doubtful the longer this goes. The LTC has been wonderful about connecting residents and loved ones on Facetime....perhaps this is something you can ask about.

The only extended family I have is twin brothers and their families that I haven't spoken to for over a year. There are no aunts, uncles, cousins and very few family friends left so when Dad goes I feel like I'll lose my ties to my home country. I'm trying to prepare myself for the inevitable but it's tough.

Take care of yourself and know that we all wish you the best Debra.

Oh YES, I absolutely understand you. The shutdown happened SO SUDDENLY here that my whole routine of being with her was instantly and terrifyingly disrupted.

I had her weekly gum and knee high stockings right by the door to go to her, and finally had to put them out of my own sight -it distressed me every time I saw them.

So, in our case the very worst happened. In spite of every effort and an early lock down, she became ill, and was diagnosed.

For 3 weeks, I held my breath. Every time the phone rang, I jumped and my heart stopped.

For a week, I heard nothing, and every day was worse than the day before for me. Finally, we learned last Saturday that she’d turned the corner, and yesterday, I took part in a phone conference leading to her discharge from the Covid19 program.

She is also 91, almost 92. She is feisty and bull headed and back to giving them a hard time.

I have to be resigned to the fact that I may not see her again in this world, but the joy of learning that she put this menace in its place is worth the world to me. Still hoping that somehow I can get to her soon.

My husband and I pray every single afternoon at 4 for the needs of those who suffer and those who love them. We are old, and unable to help any other way.

I relied on an aide in my mom's ALF to contact me each week.First week of April no contact.At ten days I emailed to get back to me.April 17 a call my mom in the emergency room and dead April 18.I find out the aide I relied on got back to me April 19 she was out the two weeks with "a cold". So,I was forced to rely on the ALF and Mom died. I don't know her condition or anything the two weeks with no contact. If you can care for a person at home as best you can until virus is gone I'd do so.I feel myself and the ALF killed my mom though she did not have a lot of time nor seemed too happy there.She wanted to die in her house.I prevented her from that and I regret it.She was only at the ALF since the end of Feb 2020.Best wishes and I guess go with your gut.

Yes, I was feeling terrified like you. Last Friday the stats came out on nursing homes in CA with covid infection rates and I saw that 14 staff were positive.

My aunt went into the hospital last saturday and I found out from my weekly call to her that she was not at the nursing home (... I should be on the emergency contact list and she was admitted into ER but there was no call). The staff at the nursing home and the nurse at the hospital was forthcoming with her status once I called.

The hospital nurse was kind enough to arrange and facilitate a call and this meant everything. My aunt heard that she was not alone and we were with her in spirit. I am grateful for all the healthcare workers who are on the frontline which is the current situation. As family, their actions mean everything since we can't be present.

Even when you are able to be with a loved one in the hospital or nursing home, there is not much you can do but be present. Hoping my aunt knows in her heart she is not alone at this time.

I feel EXACTLY like you do. My mother is 92 in assisted living and also in lockdown for about 6 weeks.
Just today the assisted living told me and my brother that mom needs to move to a nursing home. We weren’t surprised, as we had a bit of a warning that this might be coming. Due to the lockdown I had to tell mom the news by phone today instead of in person. Mom is distraught and scared. She knows that her children can’t help with the move, that we can’t go with her to the new place, can’t get her settled in the new place, can’t even give her a hug. All of our hearts are breaking. Not knowing how long lockdowns will be...will I ever see her alive again?
I fear she will now start to decline fast. She’ll be with strangers and can’t see her family. What’s the motivation to live?
To anyone who reads this, thanks for listening.
DebraHanna, thanks for sharing.

My dads 90, in MC and I share your fear. He’s trying to stay upbeat, but as this lockdown continues, he’s getting more confused, down and losing hope. I’ve considered taking him out and finding 24 hour care in an apt, but I know the logistics become very difficult, not to mention big changes launch him further down the dementia tunnel. We want Dad to be safe, but also want him to feel he has a life. I took him out places several times a week before the lockdown. I feel quirky leaving him there, but worry I’d be negligent if I move him. Am praying for strength and guidance. I feel your pain and believe we have to hang in there.

I sympathize with you! Although my mother is in a memory care unit I was her full time care giver from noon til 9 pm 7 days a week. She had another private duty care giver from 8 am till noon so she was never alone. I know first hand how over worked the facility care givers are. There have been 34 cases of the virus on her unit alone. 16 of them are coworkers that she had contact with. 5 residents have died! My mom needs help eating. The caregivers don’t take the time to help her. She’s lost 9 pounds in the month of lockdown. I am so scared we will not see again or if we do she will not know who I am. I speak to her by phone a couple of times a day. She’s scared and confused. She doesn’t understand why Im not there. I )use want to be able to see her and reassure her. I miss my mom so much!

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Yes. I agree. My mom is in memory care and is 91. All I want is to see her before she dies. She has been in hospice care there for a year and last time I saw her in February she was getting weaker and more agitated. Seriously thinking of taking her home to my house.

Sad, unintended consequences. The cure for this virus is worse than the virus itself.

So many of us are going through exactly what you are and it is so hard. My MIL is 93 and was fairly active up until the virus hit. Now her body is breaking down. She has Lyme Disease and if she does not get to the chiropractor and exercise often her body stiffens up and is very painful. We cannot see her, either, as she is on the 3rd floor of her building. This is a lose-lose situation we have going on right now. It is downright sad.

This situation is very stressful and sad. My mother is in one facility and my FIL in another. But at this point there is nothing I can do about it. They are in these facilities for a reason. They need 24 hour care which is too much for us to provide. That has not changed. My FIL is 95 and frail. I don’t think he would survive Covid wherever he is. But he is 95, so he would likely not survive regular flu. So if it happens, nothing we can do so I am finding other things to worry about. Busy making masks since in my state, we have to wear them now if we cannot maintain distancing.

My mother is not thriving in this isolation. Yes, she and the other residents are virus-free. But at what price, in terms of their quality of life? I don't want her to get sick but I would hate to think that the last months of her life might be lived like this. They could do more in long-term care homes to uplift residents. If no resident has gotten sick in six weeks, the least they could do is arrange small dining groups, in turn, a few nights a week, just to get people among their friends again. Why don't they? Because they don't have the staff. It always comes down to staffing.

One size does NOT fit all in a long-term care facility that is supposed to be person-centered. Some family members, who do not work and are self-isolating, are probably less of a risk to spread the virus than staff are, who must commute every day, live with families who may have contact with others, etc. Why can't we arrange visits? Until families can unite in presenting their wishes, we won't break through the wall of CYA policies and practices.

I completely empathize with you. For that reason, amongst many others, is the reason why my 75 year old double amputee diabetic kidney dialysis mother lives with me. It’s a huge sacrifice and hard job, but she’s here. I’m a single mother to my 12 year old daughter and operate and run my own business, so my plate is full, but I make it work. Since the epidemic, as per paratransit and the state of California, since she’s high risk, my mother is only allowed to go to dialysis and back home. My daughter and I stay home. No guests or family members are not allowed over. My mother has done rehab at numerous facilities from high end to low end and the level of care is incomparable to the one on one care that she receives at home. We even have a private nurse for her and a housekeeper. What we spend a month does not come nowhere near the cost of LTC facilities and she’s getting way better care. I’m going to pray for you and hope things turn out well for you.

Same here. It paralyzes me. I talk to her daily and FaceTime once a week. She sounds content and I pray she’s safe. This is so hard

This is the downside of the quarantine. We all feel like prisoners. I try to remember that it only takes one outsider that has COVID-19 and poor precautionary measures to infect all those at-risk folks in residential facilities. Soon we will be able to visit again, but probably wearing all wearing face masks and using large dollops of hand sanitizer.

In the meantime, I try to keep in contact any means possible: lots of phone calls; Facetime, Skype, Zoom or Facebook online meetings with those who can and will use these; letters, pictures, and occasional treats.

I am also getting ready for when we can meet again: waiting for higher filtration masks to arrive in the mail, keeping healthy myself, and making a "wish list" of activities.

See if your home has FaceTime or something similar. The activity director has implemented this so that we can see mom and talk to her. This at least gives you the comfort that she is doing good. I was worried that with no visitors she would retreat and start regressing, but when I can see her she is smiling and excited to talk. Hopefully things will take a turn for the better soon.

How wonderfully refreshing and delightful to read an unselfish and loving concerned comment.May God bless you and your Mama and comfort and uphold you in this difficult time.

When the facility says they are following CDC guidelines, here's what they're talking about. (HCP = health care personnel) "If shortages continue despite other mitigation strategies, consider implementing criteria to allow HCP with suspected or confirmed COVID-19 who are well enough to work but have not met all Return to Work Criteria to work.
If HCP are allowed to work before meeting all criteria, they should be restricted from contact with severely immunocompromised patients (e.g., transplant, hematology-oncology) and facilities should consider prioritizing their duties in the following order:
--If not already done, allow HCP with suspected or confirmed COVID-19 to perform job duties where they do not interact with others (e.g., patients or other HCP), such as in telemedicine services.
--Allow HCP with confirmed COVID-19 to provide direct care only for patients with confirmed COVID-19, preferably in a cohort setting.
--Allow HCP with confirmed COVID-19 to provide direct care for patients with suspected COVID-19.
--As a last resort, allow HCP with confirmed COVID-19 to provide direct care for patients without suspected or confirmed COVID-19."

Yes, I feel the same😥. My heart breaks for you and the others who are also facing this. Have you by chance asked the Home if they use Zoom or another way to chat so you can see her face? I know it's not the same, but may help a little.

Hi Debra, I feel you fear. My dad is in memory care and the facility has been on lockdown for the same amount of time.

What you can do is call up the director and see if they call you back using Skype, FaceTime or another form of visual instrument. At least you have the comfort of seeing your love one during your talk.

a lot of the elderly care would accommodate your request. Try it and best wishes.

I have read all the answers here and my heart goes out to everyone. I am lucky I guess for being able to visit my mom on phones through her window. I can at least see her and talk to her. She is in a very small facility, but caregivers and housekeepers go in and out, so there is no assurance the virus will not get in. The other residents all know what is going on out in the world with the shut downs. My mom does not and just accepts the surreal visits from the window in good humor. Still, if she were to get sick, I would be so worried and upset to not be able to be with her.

Prayers sent to you.

With this COVID-19, I see prayers as one way to deal with this horrible crisis each day. It's so hard to be physically separated, since God did not mean to have it happen this way. We are always social beings, even at a safe-by-technology distance. It's not like we as family and friends see each other breaking up and parting into our separate ways. Social life as we know it is really emotional, but this COVID-19 situation experience is unprecedented.

What about what happened during the 1918 Spanish flu? How did our grandparents make it? Please take that history as an example. Did their lives forever change? And in what way?

I call COVID-19 a very tough love situation. It appears like punishment, with isolation consequences. We are forced apart and each "on our own". But one situation to consider is waving and talking safely through a window, if possible. At least we can see each other. If window is not possible, request video chat.

Hi Debra, Yes I do understand what you are going through, are you in the US or Canada. If Canada like me then I can really understand. I only get to talk to my mother on the phone she is on the 12th floor. I can tell you it feels like a battle every time and you feel like you are walking a tightrope, as the ones that do show up from work are tired and scared like us which I understand, for the 10k plus workers that are being paid and not showing up enough said.

What I do to try to keep my mother's spirit up is we go through various stupid questions as she says, so that her mind does not wonder, I tell her why I am not visiting but not all of the details, give your parent the chance to be a parent again if she does not have any dementia, instead she will think of you and your family worry a little like a parent should. My mother even now asks the orderly or nurse to call me f she is sad or lonely, does her rehab and tells them she is staying strong for me. I tell her I will stay strong for her and as soon as the lockdown is lifted I will see her, so this is what she holds on to, and what I do. It is not much I know but at this time, it is what we have.