Mama is 91 and in LTC. They’ve been on lockdown for 6 weeks. I’m terrified that I will never see her alive again. Anybody else feel this way?

So, the question is, how long can we get through this health crisis "together"?? Until more die from broken hearts from not seeing loved ones? How many months, perhaps a year or longer? We don't know how much COVID-19 may win in terms of its infection or isolation from others to flatten its curve. My prayers are with all the Mamas and Papas, plus its caregivers involved.

It’s awful.
i saw my Father on 8th March. Then could not get in. Got call on 29th March to say he was poorly.
Deteriorated and never spoke to him again . Not the dreaded virus but aspiration and stroke. I suppose at least I saw him .

I felt this same way! We had just seen my mom the first weekend in March and that was the last time I saw her alive. She turned 94 on March 25th and I hated not being able to be with her, even though I knew she probably didn't realize it was her birthday. The administrator assured me we would celebrate big when this was all over. Shortly after lunch on Easter Sunday my sister called and told me she had died in her sleep just after breakfast that morning. I was shocked. We had checked in regularly with the staff and she was doing well, all things considered. She had advanced dementia and we had prayed that when the time came she wouldn't suffer so our prayers were answered. But it was still a shock, nonetheless. The National Guard had just been in on Friday to disinfect the facility and I try not to let my mind dwell on the possibility that she was scared to death when she saw them, or that she thought we didn't love her anymore because we didn't visit. We didn't even get to mourn her properly because we couldn't have a "real" funeral. It still doesn't seem real to me because of that.

You are right to be concerned. Covid didn’t kill my mom in memory care, my mom died of heartbreak from not seeing her family . My sister and I visited everyday and did many things for her- one on one care. She was allowed nighttime sitters. Family removed is a recipe for disaster. Hospice was also with her for 1 year. I had reports from sitters worried about her, so I called the director of the memory care unit on Wednesday and she said she was eating, doing very well. The next day, Hospice calls and said we think she is transitioning and has lost tons of weight but not actively dying. I call the facility and their egos were inflated and they said they knew more than Hospice., she wasn’t dying, I told them, I don’t like stories that don’t match up. Hospice told them to allow a visit from me, they egotistically said no, she wasn’t dying . This is a Wed, Thurs, Fri- Sunday night the facility calls Hospice and me. Guess what- she is dying, they allowed family in but barked orders at us and had no compassion. If you can get your loved one out and use sitters, I would. I was looking to do that the weekend before she died, my trust was gone. I had been lied to and had been bullied and they thought they knew more that Hospice - I will attend my mom’s funeral tomorrow but that is even a 10 person limit- I will pray for all of the elderly in facilities and their families. A complete lockout needs some modification and some vision as to allowing families to watch out for their wellbeing. One of the nurses also withheld end of life meds from my mom, then I was livid- not a place to be. Again, ego -thought she knew more than Hospice.

my mom is being recommended for a rehab facility to help her walk following UTI . Is this safe or not. I am thinking no. Should we send her there. It will be very difficult for us to take care of her. She is uncooperative in hosptial so hospital is telling home health aide agency that they should not bother her. Should we just try and get her calmed down first

My mom started to decline once the mandated isolation at her LTC facility was enforced. Hearing her cry when I told her that I wouldn’t be able to visit will haunt me forever. We talked everyday via FaceTime until her mental status changed. She passed a couple days ago. I wasn’t allowed to visit. They set her iPad up so I could see and talk with her until the end. I used my laptop and kept the call running continuously and my husband and I would switch out so she wouldn’t be alone. I’m glad I was there with her when she died. I will probably grapple with the repercussions of this experience for a very long time. I would highly suggest others set up video chat to monitor the status of their loved ones. I’m devastated about the loss of my mom, but I don’t have many uncertainties or unanswered questions because I “saw” everything. Even if your loved one does not interact with video chat, or seeing him/her struggle is difficult, the “knowing” is worth its weight in gold.

I know exactly how you are feeling..my mom is 91 also and is in a home...we did a group video call and it was so sad....my mom just didn't look like my mom and like your mom she doesn't eat and is on IV and oxygen...she is very weak and doesn't speak...I wish I can go to see here and hold her hand and tell her I love her but I can't....these times are hard on everybody...especially the elder...but its more rougher on you then it is on her....they may look like they are suffering but they are not...they are just waiting for their time to meet Jesus and right now its a long line...I hope you keep praying for nothing but peace for your mom...that is all you can do

We bought a Facebook portal which works on WiFi we can call on it and we can see each other

Since august 2019 I spent 9 hours a day as my mothers full time caregiver even though she is in memory care. It is killing me not being able to see her since March 30. Every day she would say “just hug me” or “you are my rock. Don’t ever leave me”. It breaks my heart to think of my poor little mother, who spent the last 64 years of her life caring for her family being scared and feeling deserted!! She withering away (losing 9 pounds in a month) and has had 9 falls since I’ve last seen her. I think if we were careful we could spend time with our loved ones. It is totally unfair to them to keep them from their families. There have been 14 cases and 5 deaths in her facility. Chances are high she could get the virus. I don’t sleep at night worrying about her. This is the worse feeling !,

I absolutely feel the same way. Not seeing my mother in Memory Care is the hardest thing about this pandemic for me. She didn’t recognize my voice when I tried calling. I won’t do window visits because she is already exit seeking due to her love for sitting outdoors. When the stay at home order is lifted, I won’t be able to get to her facility fast enough!!!

I feel the same way...I would see her almost every day just to help her take in food and nutribullet juices I made. Aids spend about 10 min, and move on to next resident. I would spend 60 to 90 min getting nutrition in. Paid for a wonderful agency aid to come in on weekends, when staff was even less or temporary. With lockdown since early March, Im sure she isnt getting enough nutrition, due to even less staff.
Then she tested positive for covid. Her condition has declined. Barely eating and drinking. Support care at this time.
It's hard to think that the last time I saw her she was fine. Now there is nothing i can do..😔. She is not alert /aware enough to respond to me on "zoom or facetime". Covid affected her mentally. I dont want to "see" her like this on camera, knowing she cannot show any response.

I know exactly how you are feeling. So surreal. So unlike our routine. I'm numb.
I miss her.😢🙏🏼❣

I do. My husband is in a skilled nursing facility and I haven't been able to see him. For awhile he was in a room with an outside window and we could see each other while we talked on the phone. Now, he's been moved and has a courtyard window with no way for me to get to it. His health is declining and I'm sure the isolation is contributing to it. All communal meals have been canceled and no activities are allowed. He's scared and I can't be there to comfort him. He listens to me much better than the nurses so he is getting the reputation as a difficult patient. This situation is terrible on so many levels.

Many, many people feel this way and I simply don't know what to tell you. If possible, go to the phone. Send notes. Try to explain things if it is possible. There is nothing that can be done so it is not your fault. Try to think on the good things and know this is affecting everyone.

Yes, it is true, it could happen. My 93 year old dad was in a lockdown facility but was rushed to the hospital where I was allowed to visit him for 3 days. Unfortunately, they strongly suggested my mom not come to the hospital due to her age. Once he returned to his facility, we hired sitters 24/7 so he would never be alone and they made certain that we could visit at his window or FaceTime and added hospice to enhance his care. We did have him home for a period but his states of agitation, roaming and yelling were very stressful for my mom.
As they knew he was getting weaker, the facility nurse and administrator made arrangements for our family to visit with him in a private room a few days before he passed away. We were so grateful for the time we had with him because we too, thought he could pass away without us ever seeing him again. He passed away April 18 and we miss him very much.

Is she "allowed" to go outside? My mom is in LTC, she's almost 80 and has dementia. Her facility has been on lock-down since early March and will be locked down through at least July. I'm not allowed inside, not even the lobby, but she is allowed to come outside and sit on one of several benches. We can visit outside as long as we want.

If she can get outside, is there anywhere to sit and visit? You could even bring your own chairs if necessary, or just sit in your car.

Is she "allowed" to leave for medical appointments or the dentist? If you could find a sympathetic doctor's office you could arrange to meet her at their office and just visit with her there.

If they won't let her out of the building, can someone there help her use a smart phone to use Facetime or Zoom?

Sounds like you need to find a way to bend the rules.

Hi Debra, Yes I do understand what you are going through, are you in the US or Canada. If Canada like me then I can really understand. I only get to talk to my mother on the phone she is on the 12th floor. I can tell you it feels like a battle every time and you feel like you are walking a tightrope, as the ones that do show up from work are tired and scared like us which I understand, for the 10k plus workers that are being paid and not showing up enough said.

What I do to try to keep my mother's spirit up is we go through various stupid questions as she says, so that her mind does not wonder, I tell her why I am not visiting but not all of the details, give your parent the chance to be a parent again if she does not have any dementia, instead she will think of you and your family worry a little like a parent should. My mother even now asks the orderly or nurse to call me f she is sad or lonely, does her rehab and tells them she is staying strong for me. I tell her I will stay strong for her and as soon as the lockdown is lifted I will see her, so this is what she holds on to, and what I do. It is not much I know but at this time, it is what we have.

I call COVID-19 a very tough love situation. It appears like punishment, with isolation consequences. We are forced apart and each "on our own". But one situation to consider is waving and talking safely through a window, if possible. At least we can see each other. If window is not possible, request video chat.

With this COVID-19, I see prayers as one way to deal with this horrible crisis each day. It's so hard to be physically separated, since God did not mean to have it happen this way. We are always social beings, even at a safe-by-technology distance. It's not like we as family and friends see each other breaking up and parting into our separate ways. Social life as we know it is really emotional, but this COVID-19 situation experience is unprecedented.

What about what happened during the 1918 Spanish flu? How did our grandparents make it? Please take that history as an example. Did their lives forever change? And in what way?

Prayers sent to you.

I have read all the answers here and my heart goes out to everyone. I am lucky I guess for being able to visit my mom on phones through her window. I can at least see her and talk to her. She is in a very small facility, but caregivers and housekeepers go in and out, so there is no assurance the virus will not get in. The other residents all know what is going on out in the world with the shut downs. My mom does not and just accepts the surreal visits from the window in good humor. Still, if she were to get sick, I would be so worried and upset to not be able to be with her.

Hi Debra, I feel you fear. My dad is in memory care and the facility has been on lockdown for the same amount of time.

What you can do is call up the director and see if they call you back using Skype, FaceTime or another form of visual instrument. At least you have the comfort of seeing your love one during your talk.

a lot of the elderly care would accommodate your request. Try it and best wishes.

Yes, I feel the same😥. My heart breaks for you and the others who are also facing this. Have you by chance asked the Home if they use Zoom or another way to chat so you can see her face? I know it's not the same, but may help a little.

When the facility says they are following CDC guidelines, here's what they're talking about. (HCP = health care personnel) "If shortages continue despite other mitigation strategies, consider implementing criteria to allow HCP with suspected or confirmed COVID-19 who are well enough to work but have not met all Return to Work Criteria to work.
If HCP are allowed to work before meeting all criteria, they should be restricted from contact with severely immunocompromised patients (e.g., transplant, hematology-oncology) and facilities should consider prioritizing their duties in the following order:
--If not already done, allow HCP with suspected or confirmed COVID-19 to perform job duties where they do not interact with others (e.g., patients or other HCP), such as in telemedicine services.
--Allow HCP with confirmed COVID-19 to provide direct care only for patients with confirmed COVID-19, preferably in a cohort setting.
--Allow HCP with confirmed COVID-19 to provide direct care for patients with suspected COVID-19.
--As a last resort, allow HCP with confirmed COVID-19 to provide direct care for patients without suspected or confirmed COVID-19."

How wonderfully refreshing and delightful to read an unselfish and loving concerned comment.May God bless you and your Mama and comfort and uphold you in this difficult time.

See if your home has FaceTime or something similar. The activity director has implemented this so that we can see mom and talk to her. This at least gives you the comfort that she is doing good. I was worried that with no visitors she would retreat and start regressing, but when I can see her she is smiling and excited to talk. Hopefully things will take a turn for the better soon.

This is the downside of the quarantine. We all feel like prisoners. I try to remember that it only takes one outsider that has COVID-19 and poor precautionary measures to infect all those at-risk folks in residential facilities. Soon we will be able to visit again, but probably wearing all wearing face masks and using large dollops of hand sanitizer.

In the meantime, I try to keep in contact any means possible: lots of phone calls; Facetime, Skype, Zoom or Facebook online meetings with those who can and will use these; letters, pictures, and occasional treats.

I am also getting ready for when we can meet again: waiting for higher filtration masks to arrive in the mail, keeping healthy myself, and making a "wish list" of activities.

Same here. It paralyzes me. I talk to her daily and FaceTime once a week. She sounds content and I pray she’s safe. This is so hard

I completely empathize with you. For that reason, amongst many others, is the reason why my 75 year old double amputee diabetic kidney dialysis mother lives with me. It’s a huge sacrifice and hard job, but she’s here. I’m a single mother to my 12 year old daughter and operate and run my own business, so my plate is full, but I make it work. Since the epidemic, as per paratransit and the state of California, since she’s high risk, my mother is only allowed to go to dialysis and back home. My daughter and I stay home. No guests or family members are not allowed over. My mother has done rehab at numerous facilities from high end to low end and the level of care is incomparable to the one on one care that she receives at home. We even have a private nurse for her and a housekeeper. What we spend a month does not come nowhere near the cost of LTC facilities and she’s getting way better care. I’m going to pray for you and hope things turn out well for you.

My mother is not thriving in this isolation. Yes, she and the other residents are virus-free. But at what price, in terms of their quality of life? I don't want her to get sick but I would hate to think that the last months of her life might be lived like this. They could do more in long-term care homes to uplift residents. If no resident has gotten sick in six weeks, the least they could do is arrange small dining groups, in turn, a few nights a week, just to get people among their friends again. Why don't they? Because they don't have the staff. It always comes down to staffing.

One size does NOT fit all in a long-term care facility that is supposed to be person-centered. Some family members, who do not work and are self-isolating, are probably less of a risk to spread the virus than staff are, who must commute every day, live with families who may have contact with others, etc. Why can't we arrange visits? Until families can unite in presenting their wishes, we won't break through the wall of CYA policies and practices.

This situation is very stressful and sad. My mother is in one facility and my FIL in another. But at this point there is nothing I can do about it. They are in these facilities for a reason. They need 24 hour care which is too much for us to provide. That has not changed. My FIL is 95 and frail. I don’t think he would survive Covid wherever he is. But he is 95, so he would likely not survive regular flu. So if it happens, nothing we can do so I am finding other things to worry about. Busy making masks since in my state, we have to wear them now if we cannot maintain distancing.