Looking for opinions before I speak to my dad’s facility. Am I being too sensitive?

You are not being oversensitive. Your comments are beautifully-written, especially this part: " I watch him lay out his clothes one day a week for his “ job day “ (1 hour) brought home their price list so he could enlarge it so he could see it . Now at 92 he has been “fired” for the first time in his life after working since he was 12 yo.."
I think you ought to pen a kind letter to the Director so that he/she can remind the staff of why they are there in the first place. Maybe you can save another resident from this kind of treatment.

Stella is possibly the facility's Activities Director or Resident Services Coordinator, a part of the management team. She'd likely be the person purchasing all the sundries sold at the store. She's responsible for turning in those purchase receipts for stock as well as receipts for each resident purchase so the residents can be billed each month for their purchases (I don't know if any community that handles cash in their resident store.) Even tho items are usually less than a dollar and most communities sell products at cost with no profit motive, Stella is responsible for the store as part of the facility's budget.

She hopefully met with your dad after he moved in, to see what activities he was interested in and what his health and physical limitations might be. I think it's likely the volunteer position running the store is physically not a good fit for your dad. Receipts likely need to be handwritten and note each purchase, resident name, room #, and dollar total. If your dad's vision is compromised this task might not be possible. If he's a catnapper and no one comes in to shop during his assigned time, he might doze off...then Ed from room 201 tippy-toes in and raids the candy shelf!

As others have suggested, hopefully there is another area that your dad your offer his time and energy? I sure feel for you and your concerns and hope your dad settles in and there is a way for him to contribute!

No you are not being too sensitive, someone is being a jobsworth. However they may be being leant on themselves to run the shop in certain way or some other aspect of this part of their job. I certainly think you should talk to the facility management, but there may be an advantage to having the member of staff concerned present to find out if there is more of an issue than someone just being over zealous in doing their job. Perhaps it is them that has the problem and management need to sort that out, as well as allowing residents to feel involved and useful.

I would bet he is not the only one who has been "fired." It sounds like the staff person in charge of this group is the one who needs to be looked at. This is the resident's store, and the residents should be in charge!!

Maybe this is why they are having a hard time finding volunteers to work??

I sympathize with your anger. This sounds like it might be a one-off deal - somebody in admin had a bright idea but did not check it out with the person who runs the store. I worked as an admin assistant is a number of corporate positions and I sure ran into this kind of thing. Not malevolent, but rather incompetent. Have their been other examples of this kind of thing at the facility? If so I would talk to the admin people. Otherwise I would not worry about it, but watch out for your parents. This was a nasty thing to happen to your dad - a dedicated worker slapped in the face. But please tell him that this is not his fault or any kind of reflection on his competence. Not at all. I could keep you entertained for days relating some of my experiences dealing with the fallout from "half baked" (I'm being polite here) decisions. Like the time I got a call from a warehouse facility manager in the field: "I know you aren't in charge of this, but do you have any idea of what is going on? We all got letters from corporate offices wishing us well on our future endeavors - but we all got great work reviews? I told him to fax me a copy. He did. I went down to personnel and gave them the message and the letter copy. Explained that Microsoft mail merge was very useful BUT you had to be sure you were pulling from the correct files. I suggested they always proofread the finished letters and addressees before actually sending. Turned out they had mixed up a promotion list with a list of personnel who were being laid off. There was an old saying in the Prussian military: If you have an intelligent man, but lazy, make him a general; If you have an intelligent man, but energetic, make him staff support; if you have a stupid man, but lazy, keep him around - sooner or later you will find a use for him; if you have a stupid man, but energetic - GET RID OF HIM AT ONCE.

While dad was able, he volunteered to take care of the plants. IL had an area in one of the buildings for rec with pool, pool table and tons and tons of plants. He'd push the water cart which was too heavy for the ladies who actually watered the plants. He grew up on a farm and gardened at the homes I grew up in and even had some plants at the apt after they gave sold the house. He continued to do this until he started falling and it became too difficult. There was even a pic of him on the web-site with his water cart. Mom volunteered in library they had.

It sounds as if your dad is better off without this particular job and since dad told you to stay out of it, I'd stay out of it. Maybe there are other things dad is suited to volunteer for at his community.

Good luck.

i would call the director again and let them know that this Stella is driving away someone that actually WANTS to help. maybe she feels that she is not needed now. Is Stella the lady in the next room? I would be upset too that one person says they need help then the next one says no. Sounds like you should request a meeting with the director and Stella together to find out what is going on. I wish you luck.

Imho, perhaps there was more to Stella than meets the eye and yes, I know that you didn't meet this woman. While most certainly she could have handled this in a much different fashion, a lot of information about her is not known, e.g. her age, whether or not she is also a resident there, et al.

They didn't need to fire him. That was harsh, and no you're not being overly-sensitive.
It's a room in an AL facility. The residents who live there are paying thousands of dollars a month to be residents there. If a roll of toilet paper or a tube of toothpaste goes missing, I hardly think it will bankrupt the AL. It's not a real job it's an activity to give the residents something to do.
I would most definitely say something to this "Stella" person and tell her that she was pretty harsh to your father and that was totally uncalled for.

Surprised they would do such a thing.
If you only have volunteers, supervisors should be trained to be able to change the duties to keep up with the abilities of a senior not to discard them.

One hour, what he can he do: possible dust the shelves, arrange the items on the shelves, do some inventory, maybe even stock the shelves if needed.

My Dad was an owner of a small grocery store. The individuals at the day center gave him "busy" work to keep him occupied and give him a reason to get up in the morning. He loved it. He was also around your dad's age.

Maybe you could offer the problem with a solution. GOD BLESS!

I would say something. Facilities want to encourage residents to be as fulfilled and productive as possible. It sounds like your dad needs something to do to help. If the store is not the right fit, perhaps there is something else he can do..?

Before getting angry, seek to understand. What I read was that Stella said no thank you and you overrode that decision by going to the director.

Instead of litigating that battle, why not work with the facility so your dad has a job he can do and still catnap? Like finding and posting a joke or a tip or picture once or twice a week. You and your sister can print out a bunch of them and he can pick and post once or twice a week. Good for everyday, special for the holidays

Don't let the door hit you Stella. I wonder if there's anything your dad could volunteer to set up on his own (with your help)...book discussions, different kinds of exercise programs than they may offer, speakers...You are not being too sensitive. All of this is so stressful for us too; our feelings are legit.

Back this bus up a minute for those of us slow on the uptake. Is Stella an actual employee of the residence or is she a "patient" who lives in the facility and has deemed herself of the Princess of Purveyors? Also, if the door to the "store" is left open when no one is there to staff it and "watched" by the neighbor, how concerned could they be about "shoplifting". I would start by clarifying this with the facility and noting that an hour a week hardly seems like they could "afford" the losses in that hour. If necessary, offer to cover the "stolen items" during his shift. Sounds like Stella is a right b*tch who is power tripping.

I can so relate...my mom volunteered over 25 years at a local resale shop and as the dementia developed she became more of a problem for the store's management. It is a difficult situation and even hard for the most tactful. They still have a "business" of sorts to run/justify, and certainly cannot lose money, must at least break even...though it would seem as this is owned by the facility there is no rent to cover. I would wonder about a 2nd volunteer to assist to make up for any of your dad's issues they have identified. People being what they are, they might spread the word that so and so is on duty at the particular day and time and you can slip in and take what you want. In my mom's case they wanted to engage ME, to help explain the situation and terminate her and then there would be some punch and cookies to wish her a bon voyage. I refused. I made it clear I would have no part of it, but that at the same time understood their position. My mother lacked the ability to operate the register and conduct transactions; I also heard she priced items on her own, or made them on sale when they weren't. She btw, had her official ID on a chain and she regularly got ready for her Weds job. This continued even after she was dismissed, and even after the store shut down. THeir business was down and the rent went up....The way it was handled in your case stinks just as much. There aren't any easy answers. I hope you can work with management to find a resolution for all that is satisfactory, but remember ...your dad is mentally competent and can make his own decisions. Maybe there is something else he could do as well, although to me this seems a perfect fit. His shift is only an hour? Would a different time make him less prone to wanting to snooze? Let us know how it all works out....

Let it go. This serious topic could use some humor so let me share. My dementia sister lives in a 6 bed Care home here in SoCal. Her self-imposed "JOB" is to tell the staff if someone has fallen. Four of the ladies are always in their wheelchairs. She and another are the 2 ambulatory (?) gals with their walkers. My sister is the only one who has fallen.(no injury) I tell my sister I am proud she has a job and I often bring her treats, etc. explaining "I cashed your check." It's a win-win.

I’m with you 100% on this and heartbroken for your dad. I don’t think you’re being too sensitive at all. I think how he was treated shows s complete lack of compassion. And I find it hard to believe there’s any shoplifting going on that amounts to a hill of beans. But losing your parents’ rent would matter and that’s a real risk if your dad loses his zest for life at this place. I am so sorry this happened.

Seems he wasn't a "good fit" for this volunteer opportunity. You are probably more upset at how Stella handled the situation. Since you probably weren't there when the event happened and your dad isn't upset, I would just drop it. Consider helping your dad find other "jobs" he can excel at to fill his time.

Tall to them about it and tell them that even if Your Dad falls asleep. It does him good to have a job so you would like him to be able to go there to work and if they think he's going to go to sleep on the job, they can have an extra person in the store with him or have the person next door keep an eye like they do anyway.
Or, have your Dad operate his own store.
Bring a few items and let him sell from his room.
Or, you might think of something he could do like go around to the others and ask them if they need anything.
Maybe he could start up a Bingo or something else in his room and invite a few of the residents.
Maybe he could just go around and dust whenever he feels like it.
Maybe you could bring a couple dozen inexpensive flowers and let him make little cheer cards and pass them out to make people smile.

I'm with you.! It sounds as if Stella is pretty clueless about communication, especially with people with dementia. The facility had the right idea when they established "the shop" but fell short when they put Stella in charge. If she's doing this to your dad, she's doing it to others as well. I suggest a chat with management.

Stella sounds like an a—, even if she were so concerned about shoplifting etc… 🙄 oh brother, she could have said,”on second thought, you are much more needed at another job” & would have either made another one or switched him to another one,
if Stella decides who goes where, maybe have some class & compassion, maybe she s the one who needs to be fired …

I think his facility has turned a good activity (the store) into a negative and demeaning experience for some, particularly your dad.it shows a lack of understanding and empathy in the woman running the show. It may be HER issue and not the facility’s. I would definitely bring this to the attention of her superiors.

I feel so bad for your dad— all I can say is this is just another in a long line of experiences why these places are merely to profit tons of money, I see stories here all the time yet some people still have their parents there. I wish they could be shut down- they’re predatory and only exist for making tons of money
I went to a couple to check them out walked around w a drector. One of them
was a bit too obvious she was dying to get my money -I let her know I didn’t have a lot of time that day and asked if I could take a look around, she tried to get me in her office after to talk about finances. I reminded her I only came to see what they offer and thanked her for her time, made the mistake of giving her my number but that proved my point as well bc she called me four days in a row after leaving me multiple messages when I wanted to come in and put a deposit on a room. The other place wasn’t quite as obvious but yeah the director also called me several times and sent emails. I’m honestly so sorry to hear how this place was more concerned about your dad missing a senior potentially taking a bottle of toothpaste and “fired” him
from a job that meant a lot for his self esteem. I would look at any possible way you can have family take turns taking care of them at home where at least they’ll be cared for loved and given dignity

I think it’s important that your dad have purpose and this gives him purpose. My mom says she has a job because she helps fold laundry and set the tables. It’s a big deal for her. I suspect it’s a big deal for your dad. So what if he falls asleep sometimes. The director should have enough respect to return your call. It’s not Walmart. It’s a tiny store.

It sounds like Stella didn’t want to give him the job to begin with. I would ask, it should not have been offered.

As has been so eloquently stated here, your dad needs an activity. A non-profit I worked for used seniors to assist with mailings. We provided lunch and I would engage the three ladies for a few minutes each time, asking about their past careers and families. It was a win-win.
Perhaps ask the activities director to start a movie discussion group ( many may have difficulty reading). The idea about a senior center may be good, but they do seem to be female focused with lots of crafts.
Unfortunately, my mother is quite happy sitting in her lovely apartment and watching t.v. all day. When I come over, I have to be her entertainment as well as hear all about her aches and pains.

Follow up with the Director. Give your honest assessment about this experience. Then, put it on the Director to find something meaningful and enjoyable he can do once or twice a week-something he can look forward to doing. Activities should be coming back post-Covid and this is a perfect opportunity to suggest some. If he is able, perhaps he could do a small discussion group. They (able residents) can read the same article, (work up to a large print book) and discuss for 30 minutes. My mom has a PhD, worked as a college administrator and is 90 years old, and doesn’t like some of the activities that don’t engage her at her community. She likes to play bridge, but it is hard to find partners to play. I help with that, by asking around. I wish she would engage more, but frankly she finds many of the activities mindless and inane. Your dad sounds terrific! He has a great attitude and that needs to be celebrated and fostered for as long as he is able!
Best wishes to you!

At 66, I moved into an INDEPENDENT 62+ apartment complex. My family lived overseas, I thought I would be around other active, vibrant seniors participating in activities. Wow, I was so wrong. Episodes of senior bullying is statistically worse than high school bullying. The complex rented to folks who clearly needed assisted living situations and some were nursing home level. Those of us who drove were constantly being asked to transport our neighbors to doctor's, stores or elsewhere. I would not accept that liability, especially since the county had THREE organizations for free rides for seniors.
One woman thought she ran the building by being in charge of virtually all of the programs. When I spoke up to take on one, I was left a threatening note.
Like your father's facility, the staff all spoke to us as though we were all demented. We were talked down to, patronized and blown off. One woman stalked me to the point of my calling the police and they told her to desist or they had told me to file an order of protection against her!
The only sanity I found was one fantastic woman and my volunteering with the local hospice. I lasted 18 months and feel blessed that I was mentally, physically and financially able to move out of there. My buddy there called the other day to say she misses me. It's actually worse now!

All that said, is there a senior center nearby that you could arrange your dad to get to? They are much better at dealing with seniors, and engaging activities. He might find some men to chat with as well. Men NEVER want to do this but I always suggested that they go for a few times a week for one month. Nearly all discovered that they actually like it. Women generally have made social connections in the past, where men had work and their wives, so this is a big step. Many senior centers plan day trips and are used to folks using adaptive equipment so that should not prohibit his participation.

Sadly, independent living complexes are just apartment buildings which happen to have seniors living in them. The staff rarely are trained in senior issues. Good for you for advocating. Just be cautious it doesn't blow back on your dad.

Good luck

You wrote: "Dad wears hearing aids, has very limited vision, needs a walker for mobility. And does a lot of cat napping."

Based on his physical limitations, perhaps "minding the store" was not the best fit for him - even though it was a volunteer job. He might have been an accident waiting to happen. I'm sure there is some other useful activity that he can do at the facility.

BTW - if we live long enough, we will ALL get to the point where we are unable to do what we used to do with ease. Your dad has certainly gotten to that point.

Stella needs training in working with people! I would help your dad find some other activities to look forward to. That breaks my heart!