Looking for opinions before I speak to my dad’s facility. Am I being too sensitive?

I have a hard time believing they have a serious shoplifting issue. Nonetheless, Dad needs to take his responsibilities seriously and stay awake, so maybe that's not a good job for him.

If Dad says let it go, let it go. Don't be a helicopter daughter. I think Stella's a problem, so perhaps you could talk to someone other than her about volunteer opportunities that might be a better fit for Dad.

So, what, Stella is another resident who "leads" the team of retail volunteers?

I think your father is well out of this so-called job, because I suspect what he's accidentally stepped in is a mess of a clique - Stella and her little friends who have their little shop. If the door is left open with nobody there at all, just Stella keeping an eye from her own apartment, then it's plain ridiculous to blame the shoplifting on your father's occasional forty winks - if indeed he's even taken them when he's on duty.

Get in touch with the facility and see what other volunteer activities they might like to consider, only ideally with better supervision. Book stall? Plant sales? There are endless possibilities.

I would tell him that other residents want the "job" also so they have to take turns. And it is someone else's turn. (If he did fall asleep then maybe sitting in a small room that someone may or may not enter to buy a tube of toothpaste is not as "active" as he needs, particularly if it is only 1 hour)
Ask if there are other "jobs" that can be done.
Walking another resident to a meal.
Putting a note on a residents door that they have a package at the main desk.
BUT
If he says not to worry about it don't stress. It is like a mom who's child did not get picked for a game on the playground.

I think you should say something. Our elders need our help to stay in the world. They want to be needed.

Could everybody please not assume that Dad did in fact nod off? - I'd like to see the evidence! I should think it's this accusation, when he was taking such a professional attitude towards the shop, that is more wounding for him than anything else.

I think Stella didn't want him there in the first place and is making her prejudices the reason for getting rid of him. He's well out of it.

Didn't you say Stella is leaving anyway? I'm pleased to hear it. Ask the facility - ask Stella herself, if you can summon enough hypocrisy to laugh in your sleeve and not in her face - who's replacing her. It can't be anyone more useless, that's some comfort.

"Dad wears hearing aids, has very limited vision, needs a walker for mobility. And does a lot of cat napping."

Maybe he cat naps because he has nothing better to do. Well, Stella will be gone. So just forget about her but I may talk to someone. Make it more of a question, not an accusation. More like input for the next person who gets the job.

Your dad is so sweet to volunteer! He sounds like a wonderful man. You must be very proud of him.

Since he has said to let it go, I think that I would not pursue it further, although I can see how you would be disappointed that this didn’t work out in his favor. Is there something else at his apartment that he may be able to get involved with? What does he like to do? What types of hobbies or jobs has he had in the past?

STOP! The first time Stella told him 'no' was probably because your dad is hard of hearing and sight and sleeps on the job. Any store (large or small) needs the right employee/volunteer )It was a kind way of telling him he was not up to snuff.
BUT, you and your sister intervened and Stella was probably told to 'hire him.'
Your father was happy but still unable to perform the necessary tasks.... and was fired.
DONT get all teary because this is the first time he's been fired. Laugh about it--Wow Dad, can you believe you got your first pink slip at 92?!!!!! LOL with him.
BUT, ask Stella or the Administrator if there is a Job/task that he would be capable of doing. Delivering packages, counting supplies, they can find an official job for him.
DO be so grateful that your dad is still active. Besides, don't we all get to the stage where we either want or actually take catnaps?
IT's not about you, hon.

Right.

This 'ere "store" is not a store, it is an enrichment activity that also stocks toothpaste. Forget workers' comp, shoplifting, or key performance indicators on customer service. The idea is to combine having a few essentials available for residents and visitors to buy, with an opportunity for resident volunteers to socialise and enjoy a sense of purpose for a few hours a week.

I used to - still do, in theory, though Covid's been a problem - volunteer at the refreshment bay in our local hospital's cancer unit, which in normal times provides hot drinks and snacks for outpatients and their friends-and-families as well as light lunches for patients in the chemo suite. I did my regular few hours there on my own but many of the volunteers were much older and less physically able, and they generally worked in pairs. I can't vouch for their coffee - I know mine was terrible because one man told me so, in a philosophical tone of voice, as he folded a £10 note and pushed it into our donations piggy bank - but I am certain that they were landmarks for visitors and the unit was incredibly important to them.

Where there's a will there's a way, and for an Activities Co-Ordinator to be "firing" a volunteer on the grounds that he hasn't been catching enough criminals, or even that he nodded off in an empty room with no customers (if he did), shows a marked lack of interest in engaging with this gentleman and supporting his potential to contribute. Stella is rubbish at her job. I'm glad she's leaving.

Awkwardly, badly, unkindly handled.

It is SO OFTEN “NOT the WORDS you’ve said, BUT HOW YOU SAID THEM”.

Your Dad’s problem is going to solve itself in two weeks because the “high powered executive store manager” will be gone anyway.

In your situation I’d contact the person who oversees the whole operation (the director?) and very neutrally ask if it would be possible for the NEXT store manager (was she supposed to be an activities coordinator???) to design some activities that were not QUITE so surveillance intensive and time sensitive so that your father “who is SO HAPPY and CONTENTED HERE in this BEAUTIFUL FACILITY” could be included in some useful way.

You might also casually mention that you’d enjoy offering your support so that something could be found that he could accomplish more confidently.

Using the right language can make or break a situation. In this case the “expert” blew it. A carefully phrased expression of interest may help your dad and OTHERS who’d like to become part of activities as well.

HOPE this helps!

It's not the "store" that made your dad happy but rather the opportunity to be useful. The "store" sounds boring - I wouldn't want to sell toothpaste! Your dad's professional attitude toward it was heartwarming. It's also not really an "activity" as it's unstructured. Waiting around for a mad rush to buy toothpaste isn't an activity I would want for my dad.

At my father-in-law's indy living building, there are loads of committees e.g. food committee that surveys residents about whether or not they like the menu, and many clubs e.g. current events club, movie club, etc. One woman is a painter and she started teaching a painting class and they have an exhibit at the end of the course.

Forget Stella and her BS store. It sounds like your dad is still sharp. Help your dad find something else to do or help him start something of his own. More and more newspapers and books are available in large print on e-readers. Make sure his hearing aids are working and batteries are fresh.

Good for your dad for being interested in living!

Stella needs training in working with people! I would help your dad find some other activities to look forward to. That breaks my heart!

You wrote: "Dad wears hearing aids, has very limited vision, needs a walker for mobility. And does a lot of cat napping."

Based on his physical limitations, perhaps "minding the store" was not the best fit for him - even though it was a volunteer job. He might have been an accident waiting to happen. I'm sure there is some other useful activity that he can do at the facility.

BTW - if we live long enough, we will ALL get to the point where we are unable to do what we used to do with ease. Your dad has certainly gotten to that point.

At 66, I moved into an INDEPENDENT 62+ apartment complex. My family lived overseas, I thought I would be around other active, vibrant seniors participating in activities. Wow, I was so wrong. Episodes of senior bullying is statistically worse than high school bullying. The complex rented to folks who clearly needed assisted living situations and some were nursing home level. Those of us who drove were constantly being asked to transport our neighbors to doctor's, stores or elsewhere. I would not accept that liability, especially since the county had THREE organizations for free rides for seniors.
One woman thought she ran the building by being in charge of virtually all of the programs. When I spoke up to take on one, I was left a threatening note.
Like your father's facility, the staff all spoke to us as though we were all demented. We were talked down to, patronized and blown off. One woman stalked me to the point of my calling the police and they told her to desist or they had told me to file an order of protection against her!
The only sanity I found was one fantastic woman and my volunteering with the local hospice. I lasted 18 months and feel blessed that I was mentally, physically and financially able to move out of there. My buddy there called the other day to say she misses me. It's actually worse now!

All that said, is there a senior center nearby that you could arrange your dad to get to? They are much better at dealing with seniors, and engaging activities. He might find some men to chat with as well. Men NEVER want to do this but I always suggested that they go for a few times a week for one month. Nearly all discovered that they actually like it. Women generally have made social connections in the past, where men had work and their wives, so this is a big step. Many senior centers plan day trips and are used to folks using adaptive equipment so that should not prohibit his participation.

Sadly, independent living complexes are just apartment buildings which happen to have seniors living in them. The staff rarely are trained in senior issues. Good for you for advocating. Just be cautious it doesn't blow back on your dad.

Good luck

Follow up with the Director. Give your honest assessment about this experience. Then, put it on the Director to find something meaningful and enjoyable he can do once or twice a week-something he can look forward to doing. Activities should be coming back post-Covid and this is a perfect opportunity to suggest some. If he is able, perhaps he could do a small discussion group. They (able residents) can read the same article, (work up to a large print book) and discuss for 30 minutes. My mom has a PhD, worked as a college administrator and is 90 years old, and doesn’t like some of the activities that don’t engage her at her community. She likes to play bridge, but it is hard to find partners to play. I help with that, by asking around. I wish she would engage more, but frankly she finds many of the activities mindless and inane. Your dad sounds terrific! He has a great attitude and that needs to be celebrated and fostered for as long as he is able!
Best wishes to you!

As has been so eloquently stated here, your dad needs an activity. A non-profit I worked for used seniors to assist with mailings. We provided lunch and I would engage the three ladies for a few minutes each time, asking about their past careers and families. It was a win-win.
Perhaps ask the activities director to start a movie discussion group ( many may have difficulty reading). The idea about a senior center may be good, but they do seem to be female focused with lots of crafts.
Unfortunately, my mother is quite happy sitting in her lovely apartment and watching t.v. all day. When I come over, I have to be her entertainment as well as hear all about her aches and pains.

It sounds like Stella didn’t want to give him the job to begin with. I would ask, it should not have been offered.

I think it’s important that your dad have purpose and this gives him purpose. My mom says she has a job because she helps fold laundry and set the tables. It’s a big deal for her. I suspect it’s a big deal for your dad. So what if he falls asleep sometimes. The director should have enough respect to return your call. It’s not Walmart. It’s a tiny store.

I feel so bad for your dad— all I can say is this is just another in a long line of experiences why these places are merely to profit tons of money, I see stories here all the time yet some people still have their parents there. I wish they could be shut down- they’re predatory and only exist for making tons of money
I went to a couple to check them out walked around w a drector. One of them
was a bit too obvious she was dying to get my money -I let her know I didn’t have a lot of time that day and asked if I could take a look around, she tried to get me in her office after to talk about finances. I reminded her I only came to see what they offer and thanked her for her time, made the mistake of giving her my number but that proved my point as well bc she called me four days in a row after leaving me multiple messages when I wanted to come in and put a deposit on a room. The other place wasn’t quite as obvious but yeah the director also called me several times and sent emails. I’m honestly so sorry to hear how this place was more concerned about your dad missing a senior potentially taking a bottle of toothpaste and “fired” him
from a job that meant a lot for his self esteem. I would look at any possible way you can have family take turns taking care of them at home where at least they’ll be cared for loved and given dignity

I think his facility has turned a good activity (the store) into a negative and demeaning experience for some, particularly your dad.it shows a lack of understanding and empathy in the woman running the show. It may be HER issue and not the facility’s. I would definitely bring this to the attention of her superiors.

Stella sounds like an a—, even if she were so concerned about shoplifting etc… 🙄 oh brother, she could have said,”on second thought, you are much more needed at another job” & would have either made another one or switched him to another one,
if Stella decides who goes where, maybe have some class & compassion, maybe she s the one who needs to be fired …

I'm with you.! It sounds as if Stella is pretty clueless about communication, especially with people with dementia. The facility had the right idea when they established "the shop" but fell short when they put Stella in charge. If she's doing this to your dad, she's doing it to others as well. I suggest a chat with management.

Tall to them about it and tell them that even if Your Dad falls asleep. It does him good to have a job so you would like him to be able to go there to work and if they think he's going to go to sleep on the job, they can have an extra person in the store with him or have the person next door keep an eye like they do anyway.
Or, have your Dad operate his own store.
Bring a few items and let him sell from his room.
Or, you might think of something he could do like go around to the others and ask them if they need anything.
Maybe he could start up a Bingo or something else in his room and invite a few of the residents.
Maybe he could just go around and dust whenever he feels like it.
Maybe you could bring a couple dozen inexpensive flowers and let him make little cheer cards and pass them out to make people smile.

Seems he wasn't a "good fit" for this volunteer opportunity. You are probably more upset at how Stella handled the situation. Since you probably weren't there when the event happened and your dad isn't upset, I would just drop it. Consider helping your dad find other "jobs" he can excel at to fill his time.

I’m with you 100% on this and heartbroken for your dad. I don’t think you’re being too sensitive at all. I think how he was treated shows s complete lack of compassion. And I find it hard to believe there’s any shoplifting going on that amounts to a hill of beans. But losing your parents’ rent would matter and that’s a real risk if your dad loses his zest for life at this place. I am so sorry this happened.

Let it go. This serious topic could use some humor so let me share. My dementia sister lives in a 6 bed Care home here in SoCal. Her self-imposed "JOB" is to tell the staff if someone has fallen. Four of the ladies are always in their wheelchairs. She and another are the 2 ambulatory (?) gals with their walkers. My sister is the only one who has fallen.(no injury) I tell my sister I am proud she has a job and I often bring her treats, etc. explaining "I cashed your check." It's a win-win.

I can so relate...my mom volunteered over 25 years at a local resale shop and as the dementia developed she became more of a problem for the store's management. It is a difficult situation and even hard for the most tactful. They still have a "business" of sorts to run/justify, and certainly cannot lose money, must at least break even...though it would seem as this is owned by the facility there is no rent to cover. I would wonder about a 2nd volunteer to assist to make up for any of your dad's issues they have identified. People being what they are, they might spread the word that so and so is on duty at the particular day and time and you can slip in and take what you want. In my mom's case they wanted to engage ME, to help explain the situation and terminate her and then there would be some punch and cookies to wish her a bon voyage. I refused. I made it clear I would have no part of it, but that at the same time understood their position. My mother lacked the ability to operate the register and conduct transactions; I also heard she priced items on her own, or made them on sale when they weren't. She btw, had her official ID on a chain and she regularly got ready for her Weds job. This continued even after she was dismissed, and even after the store shut down. THeir business was down and the rent went up....The way it was handled in your case stinks just as much. There aren't any easy answers. I hope you can work with management to find a resolution for all that is satisfactory, but remember ...your dad is mentally competent and can make his own decisions. Maybe there is something else he could do as well, although to me this seems a perfect fit. His shift is only an hour? Would a different time make him less prone to wanting to snooze? Let us know how it all works out....

Back this bus up a minute for those of us slow on the uptake. Is Stella an actual employee of the residence or is she a "patient" who lives in the facility and has deemed herself of the Princess of Purveyors? Also, if the door to the "store" is left open when no one is there to staff it and "watched" by the neighbor, how concerned could they be about "shoplifting". I would start by clarifying this with the facility and noting that an hour a week hardly seems like they could "afford" the losses in that hour. If necessary, offer to cover the "stolen items" during his shift. Sounds like Stella is a right b*tch who is power tripping.

Don't let the door hit you Stella. I wonder if there's anything your dad could volunteer to set up on his own (with your help)...book discussions, different kinds of exercise programs than they may offer, speakers...You are not being too sensitive. All of this is so stressful for us too; our feelings are legit.