I agree, she has been doing something right. Let her live the way she wants. If she isn't doing what the doctor says, oh well, she has lived this long. As my RN daughter says, she is passed her exasperation date, GBH.
I think that you will just have to decide that she has done something right to be 96 living alone and well enough to let you know this is how she wants it so bugger off.
We can't live forever, but we can be unhappy enough to make it feel that way.
I can answer this based on my own experience. Your mother is lucky - she has family. I have no one - all dead. I am alone and my kitty can't help me. I became disabled eleven years ago to the point where I could no longer walk. When I realized I could not stay in my three story home which is where I wanted to be with my beloved animals until I passed, I literally "died". I had no choice but to go to assisted living and I hate it. I am l00% mentally alert, extremely involved in all kinds of things - two jobs; 6 years of college courses; take care of all of my own affairs; drive and eat out alone; have many hobbies and my kitty - and I would go insane if I did not have these things in my life. No one here, hardly, is mentally "with it" and it is so lonely. I'd sell my soul to the devil to be at home - alone and scared, yes - but it was my home. My advice is this - let the poor soul be where she wants to be and is happy. At 96, things can happen - in her home or somewhere else - just a fact of life. Don't interfere. Help as much as you can and what will be will be - but leave her in peace. Don't take that away from her.
My dad is living alone and it’s also as you say “not good” We all know it, he’s physically beyond frail. But as he’s mentally competent there’s nothing we can do to change his living arrangement, simply put he’s free to live as he chooses. So we’ve made his environment as safe as it can be, removed tripping hazards, have his mail come to the door, have him wear a life alert button, and perform many household tasks for him. He knows the help we give is what makes it possible for him to live “independently” Same with your mom, all you can do is make her home as safe as possible, she’s free to choose living alone
A lot of people on this forum would probably say, lucky you! Let her live the way she wants. If something happens to her, she will be one of the lucky ones to die at home. My dad has lived in a memory care facility for over two years, having moved in at only age 78. I can tell you after visiting the place often and interacting with residents that have been there upwards of a decade, that is NOT the way to go. I hope you leave her alone.
My dad lives alone at 95, he has minimal help and has just qualified for in-home care with the VA since he is not able to drive. He is strong willed, determined and knows exactly what he wants. My inclination was to let him live as he wanted to live out his final years. My sister had a different perspective and at one time, tried to pursue legal action to declare him incompetent. It was ugly and devastating and pulled our family apart. We were not very close to begin with but now we are not on speaking terms. Whenever possible, I would say to try to avoid the legal route and just talk to your mom.
I would agree that it sounds like your dad would be fine with having help come in. OP's profile lists too many questionable issues for allowing her mother to stay at home alone, in particular dementia, but combined with some of the other issues, this is a recipe for disaster! Sorry about this impacting your family relationship.
An anecdotal response. My grandmother is very independent and very stubborn. She lived alone in her three story house until age 98, and refused to wear any type of safety notification device. Her mind was very sharp and nobody dared argue with her. Her three children each lived a minimum of two hours away. Very, very luckily my parents were in town last March and found her lying on her kitchen floor. She’d either had a heart attack and fallen or vice versa. She has been in a nursing home and very unhappy ever since. I think do everything you can to let your mom do what she wants. If it shortens her life at all, at this point it is more about quality than longevity. Just my two cents. Best wishes.
My mother is 94, lives by herself in the mtn area of NC, 700 miles from me and my brother. She refuses to move by us, go into independent living and anything else we suggest. So we just wait and will do what we have to do at that point. There is nothing else we can do. She is a vile person, has not friends and the other family members have not spoken to her in 30 years.
You posted back in May that Mom has COPD and you felt she was “very close” to passing. You asked if we thought you should just let her pass at home. Since it’s almost July, I have to say Mom must be a very strong-willed woman who will do things on her own terms and in her own way. She’s seen a lot in her almost a hundred years on this earth. No one lives to be that old without good old fashioned grit and determination.
Do you live close to her so that you can offer help without interfering and making her feel helpless? Make sure she’s safe, ok and has what she needs and let her live on her own terms. She’s made it this far and God bless her for it.
I would advise leave Your Mother be where She is happiest and wants to remain, but to call every day to check in on Her to make sure She's ok and has enough fresh food and heating, etc. Moving Your Mom elsewhere against Her wishes would only set Her back and She would only go down hill very fast. At 96 years Your Mom has lived a full and happy Life independently so leave Her remain in Her own home.
While suggestions like this sound great, OP does indicate mom has dementia/Alz... there are so many ways this woman can injure herself or put herself in extremely unsafe/deadly situations. Our mother was in early stages, but also lived alone. One neighbor did check in now and then, but it wasn't her job (I let her know how much I appreciated the help/extra set of eyes.) If OP's mom forgets the stove/oven and starts a fire, wanders off, injures herself and there is no one there to help, could you live with the results (burns to death, suffers from injury, lost and dies outside somewhere?) Set backs will happen no matter what, with dementia. However she could still live more years safely in a safe environment with oversight.
Our mother was resistant (understatement) to moving, whether in with one of us or AL, but clearly was beyond being safe home alone. She DID manage to injure her leg and develop cellulitis just before the move to MC, and she didn't have enough sense to get it looked at or tell one of us. If we had not been about to move her, it could have killed her! It is a serious infection and delayed the move a few days while treatment was started. She was early 90's then and also refused to have help come in (we tried and after a few months of only 1hr/day sanity/med check, she refused to let them in.)
I think that you will just have to decide that she has done something right to be 96 living alone and well enough to let you know this is how she wants it so bugger off.
We can't live forever, but we can be unhappy enough to make it feel that way.
Do you live close to her so that you can offer help without interfering and making her feel helpless? Make sure she’s safe, ok and has what she needs and let her live on her own terms. She’s made it this far and God bless her for it.
Blessings to You Memax and Your Mom.
Our mother was resistant (understatement) to moving, whether in with one of us or AL, but clearly was beyond being safe home alone. She DID manage to injure her leg and develop cellulitis just before the move to MC, and she didn't have enough sense to get it looked at or tell one of us. If we had not been about to move her, it could have killed her! It is a serious infection and delayed the move a few days while treatment was started. She was early 90's then and also refused to have help come in (we tried and after a few months of only 1hr/day sanity/med check, she refused to let them in.)