Does anyone else feel like their life is disappearing in an effort to take care of their aging parent?

that's funny you said that... I just about had a nervous breakdown today feeling the same exact way!!

I know what you are going through. My 86 year old mom has lived with my husband & I since 2003, we had been only married 3 1/2 years at that time. I was able to continue working until 2007. She became pretty much bedridden & in diapers, so I had to quit my job of 16 years as a veterinary technician. We couldn't get away much at all without putting her in a home which is very expensive. She just had a another near death experience which put her in the hospital then a nursing home rehab facility. We had a nice 2 month break, but now she's back home on Hospice Care and she needs even more care since she now legally blind & can't always feed herself.
Is your mom ill enough to seek Hospice Care, if so you get 5 days of Respite Care at least once a month and a volunteer to sit with her 4 hours per week or sometimes more..

Thanks for the info. Mom is not ill enough for hospice. she uses a walker to get around but needs help bathing, dressing, preparing meals etc. I take care of the home, bills, petcare, meal prep, shopping, just everything. When I am at work I have a caretakers stay with her during the day but she is never happy with them She has gone through 5 different caretakers since last November.

She gets mad at me and tells me to get out her house. I can't afford to move out because I can't afford to hire the caretakers she needs if I were to move out. She treats me like hired help. She never sees or understands that I have sacrificed my entire life to care for her.

I get very depressed because I know the situation will only get worse as her disease progresses. I know I have days ahead that will be like yours. I tried going to a counselor and all she can tell me is that I have to treat her as an irrational 3 year old. She may be childlike in her behavior but you can't respond to her like you would a child.

Thanks again for your info.

I know exactly how you feel. My life has been put on hold indefinitely. I sometimes feel so quilty, because I get resentful from being so confined, but then at other times I feel so blessed that I am able to repay my mother in some way for everything she did for me. I think all these feelings are normal. The worst ones are when I get all sorry for myself and just sit in my pity pool all day. I don't know how long you've been the caregiver for your mom, but I can tell you that time helps a lot. I have adapted to the confinement with time and you can actually get a lot done with the extra time. One thing is sure, I know that I will never regret taking care of my parents when they needed me.

I agree I know it!- I know it very well. I sympathize with all of you. We are all in the same boat. Glad that there's this website I can vent my angst and frustration. I am sandwiched & torn at all sides. Let's just pray that God Almighty will provide the relieve for all of us exhausted & depleted financially caregivers. He is the real and only lasting answer to this predicament.

I have just found this site and have to admit that it is a relief to read that I am not alone.My mother is ambulatory, but between mini-strokes that continue to take away more of her cognitive abilities, her ongoing physical issues (colostomy, no thyroid, high BP, etc) and the continual resistance and arguements she puts forward, I often feel stressed and exhausted. I love her, but I just wish this time would come to an end. The only piece of advice that I feel I can offer is first I have found stretching exercises, listening to music (via ipod) and reading when she is asleep to provide small islands of relief. I also try to not focus too much on the caregiving situation and just tell myself to keep my efforts in "auto pilot"...meaning keep moving forward. This keeps my energy levels from becoming too depleted or my mood too depressed. We are all in a situation that we have little control over, therefore I work on trying to not let the feelings of being overwhelmed take over. My matra has become "it is what it is".

Wow! I was shaking my head "yes" to your statement, when I read more on your situation and the others. I must admit I feel guilty now since I don't seem to have near all the demands that you all seem to! I can still empathize though. My Mom still lives in Assisted Living, but in the last few years the couple of times I have tried to travel even a couple of hrs away, I have been called back for some crises or another. I am finding it hard to deal with the resentment I feel for other family members that won't help and who were able to go to my recent brother-in-law's funeral in another state. Noone questioned whether I could go since my "job" is to take care of Mom. It's true that I wouldn't have felt comfortable going and leaving her for that long (I still do alot for her on a pretty daily basis), but the fact that it was assumed was hurtful. My Mom is still one of my very best friend's and I treasure the time I still have with her at 89. She is still sweet and appreciative fortunately most of the time. But lately, I have had a few good "pity parties" and then feel much guilt afterward since I know that my time with her is drawing to a close. Guess I'm definately feeling the whole "sandwich generation" thing since the needs of myself, my husband and my 20-something children are secondary right now. Thank goodness I've finally found a place that I feel comfortable venting! To all of you who are full-time caregivers, I'm in awe of you and am hoping to learn thru your selfless examples!

I am new to the site in searching for other people that feel like I do. I take care of my 84 year old mother at her home full time. She has alzheimers. I go in circles all day with my feelings, at first I feel sorry for her, then I am galed I can take care of her for all she has done for me and my chdren. This is how I can pay her back. Then I hit the resentful stage earlier and earlier each day as her illness progresses. I hardly ever get out of the house and am feeling alot of depression latly where I just want to run away from it all. My brother lives very far away and tells me if we put her somewhere we will lose everything. So I feel obligated to keep her at home, which in reality I really want too but the constant questions all day the same ones, unable for her to understand anything you say etc. Is driving me crazy, she never wants to go to sleep and certain sleeping pills make things worse. If I want to talk on the phone my only outlet, I hear I wish you would come in my room and talk to me, but in reality I do talk to her all day she does not remember and she will stand outside my bedroom door and stare at me and get mad and angry like I am to drop everything all day long for her! I will stop now I am sure I sound childish about some of my stuff, and hopefully by going to this site and talking to others and finding a support group, it will help all my feelings or at least learn to cope better and know I am not alone, I have been doing this for about two years or so and prob waited to long for suport, but its not getting easier for me. Thanks

Thank you for your comments and feedback. I too feel the pressure of being a caregiver for mom. It is challenging most of the time. I do what I can. The problem is that my own health isn't the greatest. My doctor wants me to really take care of myself. Otherwise, I won't be able to care for mom or anyone else.

Me again My mother too, has a colostomy that she refused how to learn to change it so that is my responsibliity and you never know when one might burst. I have to give her all her meds she has no idea which ones to take. Can not remember how to use any kitchen appliances except the toaster. Never gets dressed for the day says she does nt feel like it. She is a very depressing person to be aroung all day. I have notices tho when I keep my site of God and keep my faith strong my life does go much better, I to have pitty parties instead of trusting God first that there is a reason I am here, I just not sure what all of it is yet, except to make me more humble and lean on him more. But a good sleeping pill for my mom that won't make her crazy wwould be nice any suggestions out there. Thanks again. And for the belivers out there please pray for me.

Hello again to everyone.

With the holidays upon us, I just wanted to send out a virtual hug to everyone for all of the time, caregiving, and dedication each of you are giving.

I think we often feel guilty for acknowledging that our lives have been compromised/changed. I just want to say that I believe healthy outlets for caregivers can include the occasional "pity party", the expression of feelings honestly, and making time for ourselves.

Perhaps the most unusual thing that has happened to me these past few years, is how much my "circle" of supportive friends/aquaintances have shrunk.......it amazes me how people who say they understand will start to distance themselves from you.....thank goodness for this site....another healthy outlet for all of us.

I totally know how you feel. My husband and I are primary caregivers for my father (94yrs, living with us for past 12 years),and his mother (96yrs, living with us for past year). We can't even go to shopping together because someone always needs to be home, much less anywhere for vacation. I have particularly been feeling trapped and overwhelmed. We are just setting up respite which neither parent likes, but I need the break more so than my husband, or so he says. There is help available. I just need to let myself know its ok to accept it.

I agree. After over 2 years of no break, I have a week respite set up for next month. The problem is that mom made me promise that I would not leave her alone. I still can't get a break. I hope she likes it and will let me leave for a bit. All I can think of is 8 hours of sleep. a full 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Hang in there, you're not alone!

DTFLEX:

If possible, bring in ONE dedicated caretaker for the entire week who's able to put up with her without being crude, crass, and obscene. As your mom gets to know her (or him) and realizes she isn't going anywhere, her attitude will change for the better. Also, whenever you get a chance help her understand won't be at her beckoned call all the time and therefore the caretaker issue is non-negotiable so she better get used to it. Flex, sometimes we need to honk our own horn or people won't know we're coming. If you want to have a life that allows "me time," you're going to have to put your foot down. ... Your mom won't give it to you dear, so you might as well take what you want to get what you need. So go paint the town. You surely deserve it.

-- ED

Yes!!! Trapped, ya know I want to share a short story with everyone. mom has said to me in the past that "I took care of you when you were little, now you can take care of me".
I am taking care of my mother to the best of my ability but let me say something, number 1. I wasn't responsible for bringing me here.
2. there is a huge difference between taking care of the needs of a 160 lb bedridden adult and a new born infant, toddler or even a small child.
3. She had a babysitter and a nanny to help with my care when I was young.
4. She has never had to take care of an ailing parent that lives in her home 24/7/365
I love my mother. but excuse me, I am not an endentured slave!!!!
which she sometimes treats me like.
If there were only some way to make her realize that I have a life too,,,, I understand your plight, believe me.
I just keep plodding along, day after day. trying to take care of her , my husband and all the other things that come along with being a household manager.
anyway. Just wanted to vent. SORRY EVERYONE>

Goinnutz there is no need to apologize, I feel the exact same way that you do.

Same here goinnutz. My life has disappeared totally and all I do clean up messes.
I just made a phone call to a facility and I hope I have the strength to follow through this time. Mom and I both start crying and there you go.
I have to go out of town and handle the rest of the family business and finally get it over with. I can't take her with me because she would be too upset and I can't leave her with my husband because he's shot too.
I have physical manifestations of stress: elevated blood pressure, sick stomach, falling hair, you name it.

The facility just told me that every time she goes to the bathroom there's a charge for someone to be there and to wipe her, etc. I do actually understand that because it's hard enough to wipe the butt of someone you love.

An old buddy of mine was a grandad and lived with his son and daughter in law and their 3 kids on a beautiful ranch in Nevada. At 78 he began to decline and had trouble walking to the end of his driveway to get the paper. Over the course of 20 years he would call me and say, 'has anyone told you yet today what a beautiful doll you are?' (I'm about 180 degrees off of beautiful) and of course I would laugh and tell him he was full of you know what.
Well, one day he called and said his opening line and we both laughed and had a nice half hour on the phone. A day later one of his friends called and told me that Dave had waited for his family to go to the lake for the day, spread a tarp behind the barn and just before, called the Sheriff's dept to come and get him cleaned up before his family came back. He shot himself. The friend told me that Dave didn't tell me because he knew I would freak out and try to stop him. I'm crying as I write this because only now do I realize how much he loved his family so as not to put them through what we as caregivers face on a daily basis.
Dave had been the manager of over 100 thousand working acres of cattle ranch and he wasn't going to be the type to go into a facility. He had leukemia and he managed everything very well, but when he couldn't walk down the drive to get the paper he cashed it in because he knew it was only going to get worse. The friend told me that Dave had seen families ruined by old people and since he had spent his life with nature, he figured that nature knew best. Dave had put animals out of their misery when he had to and he had the balls to handle his own business when the time came.
I respect that.
Incidentally, everything was spotless when the family returned and the kids found little notes and gifts tucked all over. this had been Dave's plan from the beginning. His family remembers him as a brilliant, funny, capable giant of a man who only helped and never hindered.
Here's to Dave. A good friend to me and a loving Grandad to his family.

lovbob

Bobbie, that was some story, wow. im not sure how I feel about him doing himself in, but , I can certainly understand his parting gift of freedom from burden from his family.
my hair, too, is falling out. I have butt length hair.
Its getting thinner and thinner, to the point now where I used to wrap a tie 2 times around my pony tail to put it up, now its 3 times.
I do believe its my stress, My health is definitly feeling this caregiver thing, next thing you know I will be down, either in an asylum or sick myself. pamela thank you for your input. just knowing you guys are out here in cyber land, makes me feel like I have a friend. so Thank you all for being here. I cannot tell you enough what a site like this means to a shut in caregiver like me.

hey nutz, I'm a shut in caregiver too! never thought about it that way but of course you have nailed it.

the stress is insane, the guilt, the you name it. Captain Phil from Deadliest Catch died of a massive stroke recently and he was only 53. He had a true rock and roll lifestyle...smoking and drinking, but the stress I think is what got him. My dad smoked and drank like a sailor and he lasted until 69. I'm 59 and can tell what this all is doing to me and i don't even smoke or drink. I can talk a good game but booze really makes me sick.

I guess I think about Dave because my grandmother had dementia, a few uncles had it and my mom of course. What's my future? I know enough to know that this is no life. Not for the patient and not for the caregiver/family.
I hope I'm still sane enough to realize when it's 'iceberg time'.

Who's to say what's civilized? knowhatimean?

lovbob

Wow Bobbie that was some kind of story. Touching really and what courage that would take.

About the hair thing, shoot that comes with age, but it does seem to speed things up after taking care of our loved one 24/7.

My hat is off to you both though, you're doing a fine job. It's normal to complain and I'm also glad we have this forum to do so. It does a lot to ease our minds and to know that we aren't the only ones who have these feelings.

americas funniest videos makes my mom go from crying and shaking to laughing- priceless!

Man, my hair is so thin I'm always the first one to know that it's raining!
I don't even go to get it cut anymore, I just use a Flowbee.

We could start a band: the Whining Weenies, The Battered Babes, The Pooped On Pop Tarts, Bald Women on Prozac.

lovbob

America's Funniest Videos is the bomb! That's the only show that can get a belly laugh our of me. Love the nut shots. What is it about a guy getting it in the jewels? We all love that here. That and Lucy.

LoL BOB!!!! I gotta tell ya. you brought laughter into my green kitchen just now. amidst the hum of the washer and dryer, and the bleach cleanser smell ( first time ive laughed in days I gotta tell ya)... lessee.... band name.. love the suggestions lets see if I can come up with one... hmmmmm.
the "Usta Have Hair Care Bears?"

excellent! Glad you laughed, it's all we really have when you think about it.

Ahhhh.... the bleach smell. I wear a tool belt with a spray bottle of soap and Clorox, paper towels, TP, rubber gloves and full on Haz Mat suit, and some of that Vicks Vap O Rub to stick up my nose (like in the Silence of the Lambs autopsy scene) when the going gets tough because the tough is going......

lovbob

and don't forget to keep that thermostat @95, and keep a fan near by cause you can't help but sweat!

I also understand completely what you are going through. Thank God for this site. I too moved my life to care for my Mother and she treats me like trash. Yesterday I had to pick her up when she fell on her ass-what would she have done if I hadn't been there? She was trying to get up by grabbing her walker. I have no income, she doles out a $20 here and there and acts like its my "allowance for good behavior". I get my food at the food bank and she stocks up on wine and very little else when she goes shopping with the Senior van. By the way she has income AND savings-but is too smart and manipulative for me to get guardianship at this time.
I am seriously thinking about throwing in the towel and leaving but I own the house (but my credit is trashed from not being able to pay debts since I came here) and am afraid she will burn it down! Its already close to a tear-down as she's let it go to pot completely over the last 30 years while living here rent free. She's mean and judgemental and extremely narcissitic as well. I SO want to be gone.
So you see we really are all in the same boat.

Dear nins: man it seems like you are up against a wall here,
I did read somewhere , depending on the state that you are in, that you can actually get a wage for taking care of your ailing parents. I think there is something about that here on this site as well. It might serve you well to click around and see what there is. at least that way you would have an income and wouldn't be so beholden to you mother for money and your basic needs,
Might be a way to gain some sort of independence for sure.
I live in Tennessee and that happens to be one of the states that doesn't allow state funded payments for caregiving to relatives.
hope this helps, and just remember, ( speaking for everyone I hope) there are lots and lots of people on here that need you to talk to them , and visa versa, if nothing else it kinda gives you a sense that you are amongst knowledgeable friends who care about YOU.~ nutz

LOL pamela, turn up the heat... I fixed that problem though, Got her an ELECTRIC BLANKET!! now my thermostat and my heating bill have gone way way down.~nutz

You guys are the best! I am reading all your comments and I can soooooo relate! I am trying to keep my job, but when you end up missing about 4-8 hours a week either with doctor appointments for mom or the daytime caregiver is sick, it keeps you on the edge all the time. Some how it makes thing more manageable to hear others having the same issues as you are. Thanks again.