Does anyone else feel like their life is disappearing in an effort to take care of their aging parent?

Thanks for the info. Mom is not ill enough for hospice. she uses a walker to get around but needs help bathing, dressing, preparing meals etc. I take care of the home, bills, petcare, meal prep, shopping, just everything. When I am at work I have a caretakers stay with her during the day but she is never happy with them She has gone through 5 different caretakers since last November.

She gets mad at me and tells me to get out her house. I can't afford to move out because I can't afford to hire the caretakers she needs if I were to move out. She treats me like hired help. She never sees or understands that I have sacrificed my entire life to care for her.

I get very depressed because I know the situation will only get worse as her disease progresses. I know I have days ahead that will be like yours. I tried going to a counselor and all she can tell me is that I have to treat her as an irrational 3 year old. She may be childlike in her behavior but you can't respond to her like you would a child.

Thanks again for your info.

Me again My mother too, has a colostomy that she refused how to learn to change it so that is my responsibliity and you never know when one might burst. I have to give her all her meds she has no idea which ones to take. Can not remember how to use any kitchen appliances except the toaster. Never gets dressed for the day says she does nt feel like it. She is a very depressing person to be aroung all day. I have notices tho when I keep my site of God and keep my faith strong my life does go much better, I to have pitty parties instead of trusting God first that there is a reason I am here, I just not sure what all of it is yet, except to make me more humble and lean on him more. But a good sleeping pill for my mom that won't make her crazy wwould be nice any suggestions out there. Thanks again. And for the belivers out there please pray for me.

The stress level on this one thread, I think, is the highest that I've read anywhere. The feelings of being imprisoned and the descriptions of the decreasing health of us as caretakers is a horrible story which needs to be told and when it is vented there is not any rational reason for feeling ashamed or a need to apologize for venting. Maybe I'm feeling a bit manic in response to so much here, but I've posted on several people's walls tonight the need we all have to deal with the F.O.G. which sounds like it is so thick for some that even fog lights might not help.

In our own situations with what is realistically available within the context of our lives, and how comfortable we are with not or stopping walking on eggshells, we need to take some steps to get freedom from the overwhelming sense of Fear Obligation Guilt that has either come from how our parent's programed us, or some relative in our lives or from somewhere else that keeps us from finding ways to take better care of ourselves and set some healthy boundaries instead of thinking we are bad or selfish for doing so.

I love the support that I get here and I enjoy offering support. The more I read of other's stories, the more I find that it seems that one of my purposes for being here is being a F.O.G. buster.

I have just found this site and have to admit that it is a relief to read that I am not alone.My mother is ambulatory, but between mini-strokes that continue to take away more of her cognitive abilities, her ongoing physical issues (colostomy, no thyroid, high BP, etc) and the continual resistance and arguements she puts forward, I often feel stressed and exhausted. I love her, but I just wish this time would come to an end. The only piece of advice that I feel I can offer is first I have found stretching exercises, listening to music (via ipod) and reading when she is asleep to provide small islands of relief. I also try to not focus too much on the caregiving situation and just tell myself to keep my efforts in "auto pilot"...meaning keep moving forward. This keeps my energy levels from becoming too depleted or my mood too depressed. We are all in a situation that we have little control over, therefore I work on trying to not let the feelings of being overwhelmed take over. My matra has become "it is what it is".

Good morning everyone, I was reading through everyone's comments and just wanted to say that I can relate to the frustration and anguish. I would like to offer that I have come to the conclusion that there is one thing left that I can control and that is the amount of energy I am going to give my anger, frustration, and anguish. I can tell when those levels go too high, my neck pain becomes more prominent, hips and joints ache more, and I eat more. The absolute most difficlut thing I have had to learn is letting go of these emotions. I don't mean that they fly away or disappear, I just keep talking to myself about letting go of the amount of energy it takes me to keep them AND then to keep things going with my mother....who each day manages to find the dark side of things. The bottom line is I believe that she is no happier than I am about this situation which is why I think she "strikes out". I also have observed and put together pieces of information which now helps me to understand that it is not that mom has become this "person"....she had issues to begin with and unfortunately aging, health complications, and cognitive impairments have lessened her abilities.
Bottom line of what I want to offer: Yes they are our parents; yes, we feel stressed by the extra burden placed on us and they appear to be ungrateful, and yes the stress we feel turns us into people we do not recognize....BUT in the end, you still need to decide how much energy will you put forth fighting something you cannot control (your parent's health and their behavior) and how much energy can you re-channel to keeping the qualities you like most about yourself with yourself. I have been up and down with mom, but I am getting better at just moving forward...which is what we all have to do. Take care everyone.

I'v been taking care of my mom for 4yrs now.I was angry all the time at my siblings for not helping but I realize it was only hurting me so I prayed and prayed and ask God to change my way of looking at things and help me to have a better attude and realize that this is where I am to be right now.Just changing my way of looking at things has help me so much.

I know what you are going through. My 86 year old mom has lived with my husband & I since 2003, we had been only married 3 1/2 years at that time. I was able to continue working until 2007. She became pretty much bedridden & in diapers, so I had to quit my job of 16 years as a veterinary technician. We couldn't get away much at all without putting her in a home which is very expensive. She just had a another near death experience which put her in the hospital then a nursing home rehab facility. We had a nice 2 month break, but now she's back home on Hospice Care and she needs even more care since she now legally blind & can't always feed herself.
Is your mom ill enough to seek Hospice Care, if so you get 5 days of Respite Care at least once a month and a volunteer to sit with her 4 hours per week or sometimes more..

I know exactly how you feel. My life has been put on hold indefinitely. I sometimes feel so quilty, because I get resentful from being so confined, but then at other times I feel so blessed that I am able to repay my mother in some way for everything she did for me. I think all these feelings are normal. The worst ones are when I get all sorry for myself and just sit in my pity pool all day. I don't know how long you've been the caregiver for your mom, but I can tell you that time helps a lot. I have adapted to the confinement with time and you can actually get a lot done with the extra time. One thing is sure, I know that I will never regret taking care of my parents when they needed me.

I agree I know it!- I know it very well. I sympathize with all of you. We are all in the same boat. Glad that there's this website I can vent my angst and frustration. I am sandwiched & torn at all sides. Let's just pray that God Almighty will provide the relieve for all of us exhausted & depleted financially caregivers. He is the real and only lasting answer to this predicament.

I am new to the site in searching for other people that feel like I do. I take care of my 84 year old mother at her home full time. She has alzheimers. I go in circles all day with my feelings, at first I feel sorry for her, then I am galed I can take care of her for all she has done for me and my chdren. This is how I can pay her back. Then I hit the resentful stage earlier and earlier each day as her illness progresses. I hardly ever get out of the house and am feeling alot of depression latly where I just want to run away from it all. My brother lives very far away and tells me if we put her somewhere we will lose everything. So I feel obligated to keep her at home, which in reality I really want too but the constant questions all day the same ones, unable for her to understand anything you say etc. Is driving me crazy, she never wants to go to sleep and certain sleeping pills make things worse. If I want to talk on the phone my only outlet, I hear I wish you would come in my room and talk to me, but in reality I do talk to her all day she does not remember and she will stand outside my bedroom door and stare at me and get mad and angry like I am to drop everything all day long for her! I will stop now I am sure I sound childish about some of my stuff, and hopefully by going to this site and talking to others and finding a support group, it will help all my feelings or at least learn to cope better and know I am not alone, I have been doing this for about two years or so and prob waited to long for suport, but its not getting easier for me. Thanks