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My mother's caregiver, who I have relied on and trusted for over three years and counting (employed by an agency), really did dumb yesterday. She used my mother's credit card to make a relatively small purchase on her own personal amazon account. I discovered this immediately because of all of the alerts I have on my mother's credit card (this was a "card not present" transaction).
I followed up with Amazon, and they were able to confirm who the purchaser was. I very grudgingly offered the caregiver's name, hoping that it wasn't her. The customer service person said yes, it is this person. I was so deeply disappointed and felt very much betrayed and taken advantage of. As someone who I've put a lot of trust in, and have had tremendous faith in her judgement and reliability over the years--and what could well be years to come -- even though the amount was pretty trivial ($28 and change for goodness sakes), I'm struggling.
Amazon removed the credit card info from her account, and she won't be able to use the card for any further purchases. I also disputed the amount with the credit card company, so all of that is good to go.
The thing is, I don't want to get rid of her, and I feel really conflicted about that. She has been the best caregiver in the past 5 plus years -- all of the others have been flakey and unable to use good judgement (I live 3 plus hours away, work full time, and need someone who can take responsibility and initiative when necessary). This person was someone who would demonstrate good common sense, keep in good touch with me, run interference in any number of difficult situations. When my mother fell last March, she handled the paramedics, the ER, and the cleanup at the house. I was very appreciative and gave her a monetary "thank you" since I know her agency wouldn't pay her more than her hourly rate. Now that it's holiday season, I was (maybe still am???) ready to write her a check for her annual Christmas bonus, which I'm pretty certain other clients don't do.
Sigh...a few months ago, she was driving my mother through her retirement community, and she got a speeding ticket (I was notified since my mother's a resident). The community "police" are hypervigilent and my reaction was to think "hey, it happens" (she was going maybe 40 mph in a 35 zone), and I paid for the ticket so she wouldn't be out the $50. I just thought "don't let it happen again" and moved on.
I'm just so deeply disappointed, and wonder if I'm being a total chump. Searching online, I've found posts that use the terms "elder abuse" and I wonder if I should immediately terminate her, and then embark on the horrendous task of finding another replacement. The agency would of course send someone else, or more than one person if necessary, but the upheaval to my mother (and me, honestly) is just overwhelming to think about.
And I don't know if, or how, I should approach this with her! Amazon couldn't tell me if the caregiver would receive her order or not, but she will be able to see plain as day that the credit card info is permanently gone from her account, so she'll know what's up in that way. I wonder if maybe it would be beneficial to just let her twist in the wind--not say a thing to her, but she'll know she's on notice.
It was such a stupid thing to do. She knows I watch my mother's accounts like a hawk, or she should know. Would it be awful, or stupid of me, if I continued to keep her as my mother's caregiver? I know that it's the nature of the situation (my being long distance, my mother having dementia, caregivers earning a crappy wage for difficult work) that things may go missing, they might take advantage in small ways if they can get away with it, and I've made my peace with that. If she throws a few groceries for herself into the cart when she takes my mother shopping, I'm not going to sweat it. If a tchotchke or two or three disappear, so be it -- that's the way it goes, is my attitude.
But this...???

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I wonder why people are still posting on here to the OP? The OP said she made a decision and handled it. Scroll down and you will see it.
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First stop thinking about what if . You are taking years off of your life stressing , when an open discussion could solve your dillemma and answer your question to fire and hire . Since you sound as though you are happy with the overall care she provides your. Mom . Then I think you should just be honest open tell her what you discovered and how you feel about it . Ask what happened?. Ask if she were in your position how she would handle the situation . And her response should solve your dillemma also answer your question on weather or not to fire and hire. Relax !! We are all humans we need to communicate with each other . We end up losing years off of our lifespan do to stress .
Remember .
Laughter is good medicine. Love takes the pain away!!.
P.S. I hope you don't come to find out it's a gift your mom had her order for you ( during a cognitive moment) and then may have lost that thought later .
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I emphasize with your situation. Having helped a family member find a good care giver, and going through so very many, many people - it is virtually impossible to find someone without flaws.
Personally, if I trusted this caregiver in virtually every other way, I would talk with them and tell them that the credit card company informed me of this purchase (as they do with everything purchased) and allow her to explain herself. Unless she responds in a hostile way, I would give her a warning and let it go.
But that's just me.... The thought of starting all over to find a good person who would be trustworthy in all the other ways would be overwhelming.
If you decide to give her another chance, she would know you are tracking things carefully. Unless she is a hardened crook (and it seems you would know that by now) - then she would probably continue to be (mostly) trustworthy.
In my book, being trustworthy with how she takes care of your mom, how she responds to emergencies, how she keeps on track of medications, diet, sleep patterns, etc - all these are more important than anything else.
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Duggan,

In my case the agency was selected for me because it was the one that Council on Aging used. But I totally agree with you. A person can always select another agency if they don’t want to allow them to try and resolve an issue.
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The general consensus is to let the caregiver go and change the locks and get a caregiver from a professional organization that has been vetted and background-checked. Or am I missing something ? If one asks for the best advice and does not use it … ? Then history will repeat itself only worse--- I never heard of a well-meaning crook... all crooks are selfish, mean-spirited, and petty-- and above all, disloyal--- do yourself a BIG FAVOR and send her on her way the day the locksmith comes over-- and tell her you will out a warrant for her arrest if she comes back or bothers your mother.
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DugganB Dec 2019
I forgot the word-- a restraining order-- would be in your and your mother's best interests.
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I think one of the most important aspects of caregiving are the relationships we're able to establish, or the ones that aren't established b/c of insufficient information.  

So, in general, I think it's wise to "put ourselves in someone else's shoes", and evaluate how we would respond to the different scenarios you consider.

Looloo, if you were in the caregiver's situation, how would YOU want her to respond?  How would YOU want to be treated?   Would you feel hurt, or angry if she made a decision w/o asking specifically what the item involved was?

One of the issues that I think sometimes enters these kinds of relationships is the fear or anxiety of confronting someone directly.  And that's understandable.   It could make or break a good relationship.  

I don't criticize you for advising that your mother's expenditures will be scrutinized more carefully; that's a good step forward.   But I think a direct question of what was the item purchased and for whom needs to be asked.   Having said that, I too would be uncomfortable putting anyone on the spot.

Caregiving can present a lot of challenges in person to person relationships; this situation is one.
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What was the item she bought?
Hope the OP returns to let us know. If it is a Christmas present from mom I would feel like slithering under a rock somewhere & disappearing, just sayin.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
Doesn’t sound like a gift from what OP has stated.
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"She explained that it was something for my mother. Do I believe this? No."

Why don't you believe her? You've known this woman for more than five years. There has never been a problem. What makes you think she would screw up all of a sudden?

I assume you didn't ask her what it was she bought. Why not? Again, it's a simple and a reasonable question. You keep records of your mother's expenditure. This is an item of expenditure. So: what was the item?

Here's my guess: Looloo, if you find yourself presented with a gift from your mother on Christmas Day, small but beautifully wrapped, and discover that the caregiver and your mother thought it would be a lovely idea to get you a little something special, how are you going to feel then about your suspicions?

If I were you I should be straightforward about it and ask the caregiver what she bought, because you need to note it down. Stop worrying pointlessly.
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my2cents Dec 2019
If you just read
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The more I think about this, the more I would be inclined to just tell her not to return. She isn’t doing anything for your mom that anyone else could do. I think you are asking for more trouble if you keep her.

Not worth risking more money being misused or more accurately put, stolen.
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Hi ! You have a difficult case ... but I will talk to the care giver and give her a chance to explain .... and if it was a mistake on her end .... give her a chance after all she is the one taking care of your Mom .... I’m not saying is ok to take advantage . but every one make mistakes you will probable find worst people out there if you start with a new person plus how will your mom feel about a new person ?? .... I really hope you find a solution ...
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Hi, LooLoo. I read how you handled the situation. I don't disagree with how you handled things. Just curious, though, when she said she charged something for your mom, what was it? If she/you can't come up with answer, then you know she told a lie and probably bought something for herself. (I'm a little surprised Amazon couldn't have given you specific info on the charge in question.) I get that finding a long-term caregiver is really difficult, and overall, it sounds like you've been satisfied with the person in question. There's the ideal (fire her sorry ---). Then there's reality (overall, you've been happy with her and good caregivers ARE hard to find). I have kept one caregiver who accidentally fell asleep one night. Why? Because it's really hard to get reliable helpers on a Saturday night. I have kept one caregiver who forgot her shift. Why? Because she is great with my mom. It is possible that some of my mom's items/cash may have gone missing over the course of the last 5 years. To be honest, I probably wouldn't even know. I am not going to have cameras and 24-hour surveillance in the interest of preserving my own sanity. But I'm like a bulldog when I do find something amiss. I believe in giving people grace; what you did was fine and I would have done the same thing. But I also believe in the saying "First time fooled, shame on you. Second time fooled, shame on me." Hope this helps.
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I’m still reading your responses and I appreciate all the advice! I’ve really been struggling, but here is how I handled it/how things unfolded.

I mentioned over text to the caregiver that a sketchy Amazon charge appeared, and so I contacted Amazon and the credit card co. She explained that it was something for my mother. Do I believe this? No. I’ve lost sleep for the past several nights really struggling with what would be the best decision for my own circumstances. Letting someone go when trust has been violated is perfectly appropriate in many situations. So is tightening security, letting the person know they’re on notice, and trying to move forward, in some cases. It depends.
Anyway, I let her know that my mother’s accounts are going to be monitored even more closely, with text alerts for everything. She apologized for “worrying” me by making the purchase without asking, and said she’d make sure to ask in the future (which she’s always done, until now!)
I hope this doesn’t happen again, because I can’t offer another chance.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
I am glad that you addressed it. I do believe in second chances but I think it depends on the circumstances. I am not sure that I would give her a second chance.

You have not said what the purchase was and you do not have to disclose that information but if you know the item was not something that your mom would purchase and absolutely know that she is lying then why would you want to keep her around caring for your elderly mom?

I am not judging you. It’s your decision in the end. I will add that this isn’t a forgiveness issue either because a person can forgive someone but still not want to keep them as an employee.

It comes down to whether or not you will be able to trust them. I don’t think I could. She stole and is now lying about it. Didn’t you want to hear her admit her wrongdoing? A sincere apology goes a long way!

You’re going to monitor purchases which is good but why have the headache of the bad taste in your mouth.

Everyone can be replaced. You may find someone that you like even better. I think you are like most of us who like to feel comfortable in a routine and want to know that we can count on someone for their service. You were satisfied with her kindness in some areas, I don’t feel that excuses this incident. Others are capable of being equally kind. Give someone else a chance. I realize it’s hard to trust people but what choice do you have?

Tell the agency your specific needs. They will work hard to find the right fit. Reiterate these needs to a new caregiver when she arrives, starting on day one so there will be no excuses.

Best of luck to you.
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In my opinion the caregiver crossed a red line and should be terminated immediately. Not so much for the value of the charge, but for breach of trust. It might be difficult to find another caregiver, but you will never fully trust her again. Do both of you a favor and say goodbye.
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You have to have a conversation with her. Ask her to explain herself. Tell her that you value her service to your mother but you can't have her stealing. Then give her a second chance.

When $40 went missing from my father's room that was in an envelope in a drawer intended for someone else who was coming that day, I brought it up to the NH staff. I can't be sure my father didn't do something with it but because the empty envelope was there and I never found the missing money, I wanted the staff to know I was aware and watching. I talked to the supervisor and individuals. Did not blame anyone specifically. Did not have any more problems. I did not want the incident to change the good care they were taking of my father. Of course, I also took the necessary preventative measures and never left money there again.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
Yep, nothing can be left. Sad. Labels with names don’t mean a thing either. If they want it then they will take it.
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I had a caregiver when my husband had a stroke, actually many. One I caught going through our things when I arrived home early. I was doing contract to hire work at the time, and the boss and I agreed to no hire after contract. I became his caregiver for 4 years. It's hard work, and I heard so many stories from others that had caregivers. I became a caregiver after he passed, because I believed all elders deserve respect, not the "their old" routine that lately some doctors, caregivers and families do NOT ALL, but plenty of them. I have seen family members steel and blame the caregiver and vise versa. The question I have for you is . What did she buy? Was it frivolous or something needed for her? If it was frivolous then report it. It's like this, If the crime is not reported it will happen again, maybe not to you, but it will happen. The company will inquire about the situation and write a report.

There are rules (many) for us caregivers, and most people have cameras. The companies make over half what we do and many things the families want us to do are not part of the job. You and your caregiver have to have trust and respect.
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Have you talked to the caregiver? I used my credit card for my husband’s caregiver to order things many times as she had no credit card. She had me take the amount out of what I owed her. She and your mom may have had a similar arrangement and your mom forgot to tell you. Ask them before you get all bent. I’ve had caregivers for my husband for 11 going on 12 years. If you have a good one you better work out a way to keep her!!
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To me it's sad that so many people are jumping to conclusions when the OP hasn't provided enough of the facts. So many people are assuming the worst when the reality may not be that at all.

OP, I would not have gone about it the way you did. As far as I can see, you still haven't talked to the caregiver or your mom about this. That's the first thing I would have done. You jumped to conclusions without getting the basic facts. Maybe your mom offered to buy her a gift. Maybe she doesn't have a credit card so your mom offered to use her's and the caregiver gave your mom the amount charged in cash. There are so many ways to explain this without assuming the worst. Even with someone I just met, I would get the facts before jumping to conclusions. With someone that's cared for my mom for years, I would given her the benefit of the doubt until shown otherwise. If you truly distrust her so much, why are you letting her care for the most important thing in that house? It's not $28. It's your mom.

Talk to your mom and the caregiver to find out what the situation is and then take action.
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This is tough. I'd talk to her, see what she says. Then you can decide to fire her and report her or you could give her one more chance and make sure she has no access to you mom's financial stuff. Really, what she did is theft and she should be reported and let go but it's really hard to find a decent caregiver. No perfect answer. Go with your gut.
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Tell her that you know she did this, BUT give her fair warning. Keep her as a trusted caregiver, but if this happens again, she'll have to go.
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Let her know that you know what she did, take the money out of her Christmas bonus to the cents, and tell her you want to retain her only if she can be honest and above board in the future.
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Any update yet?????
I thought about this again. Maybe she did buy a gift for you or for your mom. If we want to give her the benefit of the doubt. BUT she works FOR YOU first. Before purchasing anything. Esp with her Amazon acct. Looks bad from the get go. She needs to think of that first and foremost. Common sense would tell her cya and tell you first. Even if it was for you/mom. I know I would.
Id say to her do you have anything to tell me? Then let her explain. Then go from there. I cant believe she would risk her job over that. But some people, any temptation is too much. If she was caught, fire her/prosecute. She took advantage of you, your mom, your information. Cancel that card. Lock down your moms credit histories. Get an email notice every time her acct is accessed so you know. Have her mail sent to you.
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There’s no excuse , tell the agency. This caregiver knows mom has dementia so shouldn’t have used credit card even if instructed by her, also she had to consciously input the card into her own amazon acct ..so again no excuse, she has been able to make small purchases on grocery tab so prolly felt this was something else that might work, may have planned to work up to something bigger ..also may have purchased something that she could lie and claim was for your mom or for you just in case she was caught like this..so there isn’t any question she needs to go, Some people will do this and even lie to themselves ..that they deserve it for doing so much and not getting paid enough
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First of all, just because they removed it from that account does not mean she doesn't have the info written down and could be used anywhere in this big wide world.
Bottom line is - if she is aware that you are in charge of all financial decisions and you write the check that pays her - she should have asked you first if she could borrow the card to make a purchase. She knew when she clicked on the purchase button she was stealing. AND if she did ask, your due diligence would have been to find out what the item was and purchase for her without giving out credit card info. What she did is theft, plain and simple.

The bigger picture is no one who has been working for you for years all of a sudden one day decides to steal from you just to make an online purchase. You didn't say what she bought, but unless it was food or medicine - it probably was not something she just HAD to have (and even if food/med, she should have asked first) More than likely there has been quite a bit of 5 finger shopping going on in the home long before she became so bold as to use a credit card (which was a fine example of stupid criminal activity since the shipping address would identify her). Your lack of concern about theft 'as long it was a few little items disappearing' opened the door for this activity and you seem to be complacent about what she did..... just so you don't have to exert more time/energy????? Your acceptance is what kind of confuses me in regard to why you even posted it here.

You need to take whatever proof you have and do a police report for this reason: so she cannot work with other elderly or disabled people who put their trust in her hands. You may not care what else comes up missing, but the next person she cares for just might lose a valuable treasure. Your lackadaisical attitude to what has happened will eventually cost the next person. And just remember, most theft like this starts off small...they get away with it....the value of the future thefts will continue to increase.

I suppose the part that really irks me with your comments is that you seem to justify the theft saying these folks don't make enough money and do jobs not everyone would do. Wow. They knew what the pay scale was when they agreed to take the job AND within the first few hours of this career they chose - they knew exactly what the job entailed. If you don't like the job, move on to another. If you need to earn money and agree to clean bank lobby floors for $5 per hour, it doesn't give you the right to make cash w/drawals from the teller when she isn't looking. You clean the floors the best you can, try to get a promotion or move on to another bank where they pay more to clean floors. Simply no way you can justify theft.

You need to do the right thing here for the rest of us who also depend on home care - we don't want her after your use for her is done. You need to report her and get her out of this line of work because SHE broke the trust that is required for this line of work and what she has done is only the tip of the iceberg if you let her just move on to her next victim.
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gdaughter Dec 2019
Not disagreeing with you...but just wanted to say how all of us who need to get some in-home care must never let our guard down and do our due diligence as they say. We need to ask for proof of a background check having been done, and be told how often they are repeated, and what is found if it involves speeding (if they are driving our loved one) or other moving offenses or any one of a number of other issues. My suspicion that I have never investigated but have been led to believe has some validity is that some individuals go through training because they are required to do so to keep their benefits coming. Or they want some more $$ to get holiday gifts. These are not people who want to work or do this kind of work they want to do as little as possible to keep their game going. And of course low wages are a huge factor...you get what you pay for. The system needs to dramatically change and caring for elders must be more highly regarded. But no matter what, anyone working with a senior adult, unsupervised, there's a risk. It takes a huge amount of trust...and that's why after my own experience I was relieved to say no more. And we had no theft issues, just lack of initiative and ignorance/stupidity.
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Sounds mental--- best thing to do-- fire her and get an older person or an organization--who will send you a professional caregiver-- and when you do go caregiver shopping-- tell them what happened and that if anything goes missing no matter how small-- you will have to involve the police.
IF you let it go to the next degree-- you will regret it-- the perpetrator has already shown her colors--- I would get rid of her. ( Adding an Oy Weh ! And hoping no need for Oy gewalt) Shalom.
PS--- so many of my friends who went to substandard facilities-- lost things--- my mother with dementia for almost 20 years-- has "lost" fancy tennis shoes my sister should have never got her-- cloth Kenner sneakers would have sufficed. And then we also found out a 2 year Christmas gift -- a beautiful dark blue anorak, a nice nylon ski jacket was not in her closet at the facility when we cleaned it out 2 weeks ago. So it was not too wise leaving expensive stuff there. I have had to deal with things like this due to family emotions combined with general ignorance. IF one lets strangers in the house--- one CAN expect to lose the NICE things, not just a trinket or whatever-- IF I were you I would set the lady down and tell her to list all she has taken or there will be extremely swift consequences-- meaning a search of her premises while she sits at the cop shop. There really is no semi-dishonest person--- either a person who respects their employer or one that has a bad attitude who needs to experience Old Testament correction. (amen)
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DugganB Dec 2019
Oh-- I forgot-- cancel the credit card-- and all financial stuff, too... there are so many con-men and con-women out there-- really --- my mother sent sooo many checks to the environmentalists and all "Good Causes" -- my sister the POA was just plain stupid in that aspect--- we closed her account and opened a new one for all small expenses-- such as groceries and whatever... anything else was conducted very privately including paying our caregivers. --Before the assisted living facility-- we were spending over $1000 a month for young lady caregivers-- who had stood the test of time at their company. Back then we never lost anything--except once-- some jewelry--- which I cannot remember because my sister would not talk about it... much. Could have been Mom's wedding ring. As my daughter would say-- DAD, that's messed up !
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Talk to the caregiver!! How can you make a decision without all of the information?
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my2cents Dec 2019
She used a credit card that did not belong to her and did not have permission to use it. Theft plain and simple. After several years of taking care of a dementia patient, ANY caregiver knows not to ask them about a financial matter. Most home health care companies also have rules in place that employees are not to borrow or ask for money, so I'm sure they would frown on taking a credit card and using it online.

I agree - talk to caregiver and tell her info will be turned over to the police. That caregiver needs her career ended so she doesn't get away with taking advantage of elderly/dementia person and then I end up with her when she's being placed at the next patient's house.
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Trust but verify, that is what Reagan used to say. If it was a willful error and you really like this caregiver then take the good with the small bad and keep her. She has simply lost some of your trust. Zero tolerance is seldom an appropriate policy. She has not endangered anyone. You must now monitor her more. It is not about forgiveness, it is about levels of trust. She is on a lower tier now.

I have to second one of the replies that suggested removing all access to finance. Also remove access to jewelry or place in a safe. She is not family and has less (genetic) reason to respect people and property.
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Why is it ok to allow her to purchase groceries for herself (even one or two items)? You should say something when noted or else she will continue because she may think it is ok with you. For the latest credit card mishap, maybe she did it by accident. Was she ordering something for your mom that day? You should ask her before you make your decision to let her go.
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My father-in-laws caregiver used his credit card to make a number of high dollar purchases, he was always so secretive with his affairs and would not let any of the family know too much. As his dementia progressed over the year the caregiver was there we were able to gain control of his credit card and look into the situation. Once a thief always a thief she was let go immediately. I would never trust her again and believe me it will happen again.
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I think the first instinct may be to speak to someone to find out why. This may very well be the right thing to do.

The only question then is if she is stealing then how will you know if she is lying about what happened. No one is a mind reader. Some people are very good liars.
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Talk to the caregiver and see what she has to say.

You'd feel terrible if she used the wrong credit card by accident - and yes, this does happen. I am on my sister's Amazon Prime account and I have used her credit card twice, totally by accident, and was able to change it to my card.

If you're even considering getting rid of her - you really should see what she has to say first.
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cherokeegrrl54 Dec 2019
So true.... im on my daughters amazon prime account and I forgot to change it to my card the first time i made a purchase....got it corrected and havnt done it since. Easy to do.....
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