Just discovered that trusted caregiver took advantage financially in a small way. Struggling with what to do.
My mother's caregiver, who I have relied on and trusted for over three years and counting (employed by an agency), really did dumb yesterday. She used my mother's credit card to make a relatively small purchase on her own personal amazon account. I discovered this immediately because of all of the alerts I have on my mother's credit card (this was a "card not present" transaction).
I followed up with Amazon, and they were able to confirm who the purchaser was. I very grudgingly offered the caregiver's name, hoping that it wasn't her. The customer service person said yes, it is this person. I was so deeply disappointed and felt very much betrayed and taken advantage of. As someone who I've put a lot of trust in, and have had tremendous faith in her judgement and reliability over the years--and what could well be years to come -- even though the amount was pretty trivial ($28 and change for goodness sakes), I'm struggling.
Amazon removed the credit card info from her account, and she won't be able to use the card for any further purchases. I also disputed the amount with the credit card company, so all of that is good to go.
The thing is, I don't want to get rid of her, and I feel really conflicted about that. She has been the best caregiver in the past 5 plus years -- all of the others have been flakey and unable to use good judgement (I live 3 plus hours away, work full time, and need someone who can take responsibility and initiative when necessary). This person was someone who would demonstrate good common sense, keep in good touch with me, run interference in any number of difficult situations. When my mother fell last March, she handled the paramedics, the ER, and the cleanup at the house. I was very appreciative and gave her a monetary "thank you" since I know her agency wouldn't pay her more than her hourly rate. Now that it's holiday season, I was (maybe still am???) ready to write her a check for her annual Christmas bonus, which I'm pretty certain other clients don't do.
Sigh...a few months ago, she was driving my mother through her retirement community, and she got a speeding ticket (I was notified since my mother's a resident). The community "police" are hypervigilent and my reaction was to think "hey, it happens" (she was going maybe 40 mph in a 35 zone), and I paid for the ticket so she wouldn't be out the $50. I just thought "don't let it happen again" and moved on.
I'm just so deeply disappointed, and wonder if I'm being a total chump. Searching online, I've found posts that use the terms "elder abuse" and I wonder if I should immediately terminate her, and then embark on the horrendous task of finding another replacement. The agency would of course send someone else, or more than one person if necessary, but the upheaval to my mother (and me, honestly) is just overwhelming to think about.
And I don't know if, or how, I should approach this with her! Amazon couldn't tell me if the caregiver would receive her order or not, but she will be able to see plain as day that the credit card info is permanently gone from her account, so she'll know what's up in that way. I wonder if maybe it would be beneficial to just let her twist in the wind--not say a thing to her, but she'll know she's on notice.
It was such a stupid thing to do. She knows I watch my mother's accounts like a hawk, or she should know. Would it be awful, or stupid of me, if I continued to keep her as my mother's caregiver? I know that it's the nature of the situation (my being long distance, my mother having dementia, caregivers earning a crappy wage for difficult work) that things may go missing, they might take advantage in small ways if they can get away with it, and I've made my peace with that. If she throws a few groceries for herself into the cart when she takes my mother shopping, I'm not going to sweat it. If a tchotchke or two or three disappear, so be it -- that's the way it goes, is my attitude.
But this...???
I once had a house guest - a Nigerian woman who was on scholarship at a local college - steal a piece of fine jewelry from me that was in my vanity in my bathroom. The feeling sucks. People steal. I was naive. I made it easy. Never again.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on ME.
I would pick up the phone and tell her you got a fraudulent use of card alert and canceled the transaction. Let her know amazon has told you whose account the transaction was made under. Then ask for an explanation.
It may be time for Mum to lose the credit card.
Let's gather all the facts before blaming a caregiver that you have had for 3 years, and whom you and your Mother likes
Usually if a person is likely to "steal" something they would have started during the first year of their employment, not 3 years later.
My first thought would be - seeing as she's not stupid, she knows the routine, and she knows this is going to be spotted immediately - that she put the card on an Amazon account to buy something on your mother's behalf.
For heaven's sake, stop pussyfooting around behind her back and *ask* her about it. "Sue, I was just checking through mother's November account and saw this transaction on the [date] - what happened there please?" It's not even a rude question!
If it turns out that she is buying a little gift from your mother to herself, though, that is a problem. She mustn't do that. It must be returned.
The speeding fine was incurred while she was at work on your mother's business. I'd grumble about it and ask her to be more careful but I think you were right to pay it.
I too have been accused multiple times by an aunt (slight dementia and lifelong paranoia). She CONSTANTLY misplaces her things and then accuses the most recent person who visited her of stealing the item. And when she finds the "stolen item" (she always does), there is NEVER an acknowledgement or apology. Ever.
I have helped her so many times, taking my entire day to get her to the doctor and grocery store, only to have her turn on me like a pitt bull. Her most favorite item to lose and accuse is a strand of pearls.
She is currently in Assisted Living. I have watched her anytime we are leaving her room to go somewhere. This look of paranoia suddenly comes over her face and she starts "grabbing and hiding" things of value. I watched her grab her credit card and hide it in the covers on her unmade bed and tuck her watch into a stack of dirty clothes, etc. I immediately stopped her and made her put those items in her purse. Later when we got into the car, she started screaming that "she could not find her credit card and that she must have dropped it in the hallway and surely someone will take it and go shopping!" A few minutes later she found it in the bottom of her purse! She constantly loses her CC or leaves it on the counter at the grocery store.
I'm so sorry you went through your ordeal. I do hope your accuser received a good cursing out or a nasty letter.
I completely agree that finding another caregiver that does a good job is very difficult especially given your distance.
I would tell her you got a fraud alert, you reported it and subsequently realized you may have gotten her in trouble for identity theft (that should scare her enough). She won’t be receiving a Xmas bonus for her decision and in turn you won’t report her to her agency because you prefer she not get fired. You certainly cannot allow your moms card to be breached but in case it was a mistake (which you know it isn’t) you may want to just handle it between the 2 of you, so she’s not fired, wreck her chances of future hire, but ultimately save yourself from the painstaking task of finding another good caregiver because yes good ones are hard to find.
I don’t agree that a Tchotchke missing here and there is ok though. If you want to give her a gift you will, nobody should TAKE anything from an elder or their home... sorry that’s stealing and I’m surprised you’re ok with that.
They gained access to his financial information and robbed him.
Trusted caregivers by the way.