Just discovered that trusted caregiver took advantage financially in a small way. Struggling with what to do.
My mother's caregiver, who I have relied on and trusted for over three years and counting (employed by an agency), really did dumb yesterday. She used my mother's credit card to make a relatively small purchase on her own personal amazon account. I discovered this immediately because of all of the alerts I have on my mother's credit card (this was a "card not present" transaction).
I followed up with Amazon, and they were able to confirm who the purchaser was. I very grudgingly offered the caregiver's name, hoping that it wasn't her. The customer service person said yes, it is this person. I was so deeply disappointed and felt very much betrayed and taken advantage of. As someone who I've put a lot of trust in, and have had tremendous faith in her judgement and reliability over the years--and what could well be years to come -- even though the amount was pretty trivial ($28 and change for goodness sakes), I'm struggling.
Amazon removed the credit card info from her account, and she won't be able to use the card for any further purchases. I also disputed the amount with the credit card company, so all of that is good to go.
The thing is, I don't want to get rid of her, and I feel really conflicted about that. She has been the best caregiver in the past 5 plus years -- all of the others have been flakey and unable to use good judgement (I live 3 plus hours away, work full time, and need someone who can take responsibility and initiative when necessary). This person was someone who would demonstrate good common sense, keep in good touch with me, run interference in any number of difficult situations. When my mother fell last March, she handled the paramedics, the ER, and the cleanup at the house. I was very appreciative and gave her a monetary "thank you" since I know her agency wouldn't pay her more than her hourly rate. Now that it's holiday season, I was (maybe still am???) ready to write her a check for her annual Christmas bonus, which I'm pretty certain other clients don't do.
Sigh...a few months ago, she was driving my mother through her retirement community, and she got a speeding ticket (I was notified since my mother's a resident). The community "police" are hypervigilent and my reaction was to think "hey, it happens" (she was going maybe 40 mph in a 35 zone), and I paid for the ticket so she wouldn't be out the $50. I just thought "don't let it happen again" and moved on.
I'm just so deeply disappointed, and wonder if I'm being a total chump. Searching online, I've found posts that use the terms "elder abuse" and I wonder if I should immediately terminate her, and then embark on the horrendous task of finding another replacement. The agency would of course send someone else, or more than one person if necessary, but the upheaval to my mother (and me, honestly) is just overwhelming to think about.
And I don't know if, or how, I should approach this with her! Amazon couldn't tell me if the caregiver would receive her order or not, but she will be able to see plain as day that the credit card info is permanently gone from her account, so she'll know what's up in that way. I wonder if maybe it would be beneficial to just let her twist in the wind--not say a thing to her, but she'll know she's on notice.
It was such a stupid thing to do. She knows I watch my mother's accounts like a hawk, or she should know. Would it be awful, or stupid of me, if I continued to keep her as my mother's caregiver? I know that it's the nature of the situation (my being long distance, my mother having dementia, caregivers earning a crappy wage for difficult work) that things may go missing, they might take advantage in small ways if they can get away with it, and I've made my peace with that. If she throws a few groceries for herself into the cart when she takes my mother shopping, I'm not going to sweat it. If a tchotchke or two or three disappear, so be it -- that's the way it goes, is my attitude.
But this...???
Remember .
Laughter is good medicine. Love takes the pain away!!.
P.S. I hope you don't come to find out it's a gift your mom had her order for you ( during a cognitive moment) and then may have lost that thought later .
Personally, if I trusted this caregiver in virtually every other way, I would talk with them and tell them that the credit card company informed me of this purchase (as they do with everything purchased) and allow her to explain herself. Unless she responds in a hostile way, I would give her a warning and let it go.
But that's just me.... The thought of starting all over to find a good person who would be trustworthy in all the other ways would be overwhelming.
If you decide to give her another chance, she would know you are tracking things carefully. Unless she is a hardened crook (and it seems you would know that by now) - then she would probably continue to be (mostly) trustworthy.
In my book, being trustworthy with how she takes care of your mom, how she responds to emergencies, how she keeps on track of medications, diet, sleep patterns, etc - all these are more important than anything else.
In my case the agency was selected for me because it was the one that Council on Aging used. But I totally agree with you. A person can always select another agency if they don’t want to allow them to try and resolve an issue.
So, in general, I think it's wise to "put ourselves in someone else's shoes", and evaluate how we would respond to the different scenarios you consider.
Looloo, if you were in the caregiver's situation, how would YOU want her to respond? How would YOU want to be treated? Would you feel hurt, or angry if she made a decision w/o asking specifically what the item involved was?
One of the issues that I think sometimes enters these kinds of relationships is the fear or anxiety of confronting someone directly. And that's understandable. It could make or break a good relationship.
I don't criticize you for advising that your mother's expenditures will be scrutinized more carefully; that's a good step forward. But I think a direct question of what was the item purchased and for whom needs to be asked. Having said that, I too would be uncomfortable putting anyone on the spot.
Caregiving can present a lot of challenges in person to person relationships; this situation is one.
Hope the OP returns to let us know. If it is a Christmas present from mom I would feel like slithering under a rock somewhere & disappearing, just sayin.
Why don't you believe her? You've known this woman for more than five years. There has never been a problem. What makes you think she would screw up all of a sudden?
I assume you didn't ask her what it was she bought. Why not? Again, it's a simple and a reasonable question. You keep records of your mother's expenditure. This is an item of expenditure. So: what was the item?
Here's my guess: Looloo, if you find yourself presented with a gift from your mother on Christmas Day, small but beautifully wrapped, and discover that the caregiver and your mother thought it would be a lovely idea to get you a little something special, how are you going to feel then about your suspicions?
If I were you I should be straightforward about it and ask the caregiver what she bought, because you need to note it down. Stop worrying pointlessly.
Not worth risking more money being misused or more accurately put, stolen.
I mentioned over text to the caregiver that a sketchy Amazon charge appeared, and so I contacted Amazon and the credit card co. She explained that it was something for my mother. Do I believe this? No. I’ve lost sleep for the past several nights really struggling with what would be the best decision for my own circumstances. Letting someone go when trust has been violated is perfectly appropriate in many situations. So is tightening security, letting the person know they’re on notice, and trying to move forward, in some cases. It depends.
Anyway, I let her know that my mother’s accounts are going to be monitored even more closely, with text alerts for everything. She apologized for “worrying” me by making the purchase without asking, and said she’d make sure to ask in the future (which she’s always done, until now!)
I hope this doesn’t happen again, because I can’t offer another chance.
You have not said what the purchase was and you do not have to disclose that information but if you know the item was not something that your mom would purchase and absolutely know that she is lying then why would you want to keep her around caring for your elderly mom?
I am not judging you. It’s your decision in the end. I will add that this isn’t a forgiveness issue either because a person can forgive someone but still not want to keep them as an employee.
It comes down to whether or not you will be able to trust them. I don’t think I could. She stole and is now lying about it. Didn’t you want to hear her admit her wrongdoing? A sincere apology goes a long way!
You’re going to monitor purchases which is good but why have the headache of the bad taste in your mouth.
Everyone can be replaced. You may find someone that you like even better. I think you are like most of us who like to feel comfortable in a routine and want to know that we can count on someone for their service. You were satisfied with her kindness in some areas, I don’t feel that excuses this incident. Others are capable of being equally kind. Give someone else a chance. I realize it’s hard to trust people but what choice do you have?
Tell the agency your specific needs. They will work hard to find the right fit. Reiterate these needs to a new caregiver when she arrives, starting on day one so there will be no excuses.
Best of luck to you.
When $40 went missing from my father's room that was in an envelope in a drawer intended for someone else who was coming that day, I brought it up to the NH staff. I can't be sure my father didn't do something with it but because the empty envelope was there and I never found the missing money, I wanted the staff to know I was aware and watching. I talked to the supervisor and individuals. Did not blame anyone specifically. Did not have any more problems. I did not want the incident to change the good care they were taking of my father. Of course, I also took the necessary preventative measures and never left money there again.
There are rules (many) for us caregivers, and most people have cameras. The companies make over half what we do and many things the families want us to do are not part of the job. You and your caregiver have to have trust and respect.
OP, I would not have gone about it the way you did. As far as I can see, you still haven't talked to the caregiver or your mom about this. That's the first thing I would have done. You jumped to conclusions without getting the basic facts. Maybe your mom offered to buy her a gift. Maybe she doesn't have a credit card so your mom offered to use her's and the caregiver gave your mom the amount charged in cash. There are so many ways to explain this without assuming the worst. Even with someone I just met, I would get the facts before jumping to conclusions. With someone that's cared for my mom for years, I would given her the benefit of the doubt until shown otherwise. If you truly distrust her so much, why are you letting her care for the most important thing in that house? It's not $28. It's your mom.
Talk to your mom and the caregiver to find out what the situation is and then take action.
I thought about this again. Maybe she did buy a gift for you or for your mom. If we want to give her the benefit of the doubt. BUT she works FOR YOU first. Before purchasing anything. Esp with her Amazon acct. Looks bad from the get go. She needs to think of that first and foremost. Common sense would tell her cya and tell you first. Even if it was for you/mom. I know I would.
Id say to her do you have anything to tell me? Then let her explain. Then go from there. I cant believe she would risk her job over that. But some people, any temptation is too much. If she was caught, fire her/prosecute. She took advantage of you, your mom, your information. Cancel that card. Lock down your moms credit histories. Get an email notice every time her acct is accessed so you know. Have her mail sent to you.
Bottom line is - if she is aware that you are in charge of all financial decisions and you write the check that pays her - she should have asked you first if she could borrow the card to make a purchase. She knew when she clicked on the purchase button she was stealing. AND if she did ask, your due diligence would have been to find out what the item was and purchase for her without giving out credit card info. What she did is theft, plain and simple.
The bigger picture is no one who has been working for you for years all of a sudden one day decides to steal from you just to make an online purchase. You didn't say what she bought, but unless it was food or medicine - it probably was not something she just HAD to have (and even if food/med, she should have asked first) More than likely there has been quite a bit of 5 finger shopping going on in the home long before she became so bold as to use a credit card (which was a fine example of stupid criminal activity since the shipping address would identify her). Your lack of concern about theft 'as long it was a few little items disappearing' opened the door for this activity and you seem to be complacent about what she did..... just so you don't have to exert more time/energy????? Your acceptance is what kind of confuses me in regard to why you even posted it here.
You need to take whatever proof you have and do a police report for this reason: so she cannot work with other elderly or disabled people who put their trust in her hands. You may not care what else comes up missing, but the next person she cares for just might lose a valuable treasure. Your lackadaisical attitude to what has happened will eventually cost the next person. And just remember, most theft like this starts off small...they get away with it....the value of the future thefts will continue to increase.
I suppose the part that really irks me with your comments is that you seem to justify the theft saying these folks don't make enough money and do jobs not everyone would do. Wow. They knew what the pay scale was when they agreed to take the job AND within the first few hours of this career they chose - they knew exactly what the job entailed. If you don't like the job, move on to another. If you need to earn money and agree to clean bank lobby floors for $5 per hour, it doesn't give you the right to make cash w/drawals from the teller when she isn't looking. You clean the floors the best you can, try to get a promotion or move on to another bank where they pay more to clean floors. Simply no way you can justify theft.
You need to do the right thing here for the rest of us who also depend on home care - we don't want her after your use for her is done. You need to report her and get her out of this line of work because SHE broke the trust that is required for this line of work and what she has done is only the tip of the iceberg if you let her just move on to her next victim.
IF you let it go to the next degree-- you will regret it-- the perpetrator has already shown her colors--- I would get rid of her. ( Adding an Oy Weh ! And hoping no need for Oy gewalt) Shalom.
PS--- so many of my friends who went to substandard facilities-- lost things--- my mother with dementia for almost 20 years-- has "lost" fancy tennis shoes my sister should have never got her-- cloth Kenner sneakers would have sufficed. And then we also found out a 2 year Christmas gift -- a beautiful dark blue anorak, a nice nylon ski jacket was not in her closet at the facility when we cleaned it out 2 weeks ago. So it was not too wise leaving expensive stuff there. I have had to deal with things like this due to family emotions combined with general ignorance. IF one lets strangers in the house--- one CAN expect to lose the NICE things, not just a trinket or whatever-- IF I were you I would set the lady down and tell her to list all she has taken or there will be extremely swift consequences-- meaning a search of her premises while she sits at the cop shop. There really is no semi-dishonest person--- either a person who respects their employer or one that has a bad attitude who needs to experience Old Testament correction. (amen)
I agree - talk to caregiver and tell her info will be turned over to the police. That caregiver needs her career ended so she doesn't get away with taking advantage of elderly/dementia person and then I end up with her when she's being placed at the next patient's house.
I have to second one of the replies that suggested removing all access to finance. Also remove access to jewelry or place in a safe. She is not family and has less (genetic) reason to respect people and property.
The only question then is if she is stealing then how will you know if she is lying about what happened. No one is a mind reader. Some people are very good liars.
You'd feel terrible if she used the wrong credit card by accident - and yes, this does happen. I am on my sister's Amazon Prime account and I have used her credit card twice, totally by accident, and was able to change it to my card.
If you're even considering getting rid of her - you really should see what she has to say first.