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I have two sisters who married two brothers and I guess I have always been the odd man out. I was on my parents accounts and took care of them for years. Both sisters at one time moved several states away and I always took care of everything that my parents needed. The older my parents got the more I had to do. One sister moved back to our small town but I still continued to care for my parents. She helped sometimes. This sister is a hoarder (just like on the tv show). She lives with 11 dogs in a nasty house that is not even liveable. My mom is 88 and still in pretty good health. My dad passed away two years ago. He had not been gone a month before both my sisters took my mother to the bank and changed everything on the accounts. My name is no where on any account. Not even payable on death. They took her to the lawyers office soon after and she made a new will. She left my sister that had moved back in charge of everything. All bank accounts have her name, she was named executor of the will, power of attorney, medical power of attorney and given authority over all medical decisions. THey did all this without my knowledge of any of this. I knew they were acting strange but never thought they would do that to me. Mother called and accused me and my husband and kids of stealing from her. They changed the door locks and did not give me a key. I told her to make a list of the things she thought I took and I would bring them back or buy new ones. She never came up with anything. I went and talked with my sisters and tried to straighten things out.....they both said they were not mad about anything they were just busy in life. Anything I tried to do for my mother was always ruined by my sister. For example, I trimmed her shrubs and cleaned her house one time. My sister jumped all over me because I trimmed the shrubs at the wrong time of year and I pulled weeds out of the flower beds that were not really weeds and somehow I killed a rose bush and I threw away newspapers. The plants were not hurt....the rose bush even came back. I asked my mom for a key and she said she did not have any extra. I tried to explain that if she fell I could not get in to help her. About a week later she fell. She had to lay on the floor for my sister to finally show up with her key. These sort of things just kept going on until I backed off and did not contact anyone for a while. I began having chest pains, shortness of breath and severe asthma and unexplainable pains. I was checked out by several doctors and found nothing wrong with my heart or my lungs. I went to counseling and they told me that I was in a severe state of trauma. After weeks of counseling and figuring out none of this was actually my fault they taught me that I could not change anyone, I could not make anyone love me or even like me. I know I have not done any wrong towards any of them. My sister that lives in my town never contacts me....not even when mom was rushed to the hospital. My sister that lives in another state never contacts me when she comes in for a visit. They will not answer my phone calls or return my calls. I have written letters and they have gone unanswered. It hurts my heart that I have lost my family. They are in charge and my mom is going downhill fast. Nothing is getting done. The bills are at least 2 months behind, house has mice and roaches in it. Mom is not taking a bath so that just adds to the smell. The grass is not cut, the bushes are out of control, and my mom eats sandwiches,TV dinners, chips and cookies. Nothing healthy. Her ankles and legs are huge because of all the sodium. A nurse comes out once a week to check her. They do nothing about any of this. My mom tells me they say she and her house are fine and good. Recently my daughter and daughter-in-law went to help out with chores. They went every morning for three weeks doing yard work and housework. My sister called and yelled at them for using her gloves that were at my mothers house. They did not use the gloves anymore and my daughter-in-law got poison ivy all over her arms then it spread all over her body. I called my sister after I found out she was so mad at my mom, who had nothing to do with it. My sisters husband got on the phone and I handed the phone to my husband. He told my husband he was coming over to kill him. He never had acted in this manner but in minutes he was there. I stepped in between the two of them and my brother in law was pushing and shoving me and told me he would take me out and then kill my husband. The law came and just told him to go home. He said he would come after me and my husband. My sister is mad at my mother for not standing up for her husband. I did not file charges. Now I am taking care of mom and getting things in order until today. Mom and my sister are talking again and now my mom will not even hardly talk to me. I can't continue on this roller coaster. What do I do?

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KITY:

No sense in crying over spilt milk, so move on. I don't think this abuse on the part of your siblings and their loved ones is anything new. Back then you didn't do much about it, today you didn't do much either. Until your self-esteem is enhanced somehow, you'll keep on seeking acceptance from those predators. Still, your Mom made the decision to turn her care over to them after all you've done. But you know what? When all the money is gone and your mother's life is coming to a close they'll realize exactly how much you were and are worth. Although she's already taken sides, If you want to keep fighting for your Mom all those spats and public scenes need to stop; and avoid putting your children in the middle of it. Keep your distance, and notify the appropriate agencies in writing if you believe your Mom is a victim of elder abuse.

Time doesn't heal all wounds. Some are just too deep and the only thing you can do to move forward is learn to live with them. Treat yourself ... get on with your life for a change.

Those social parasites might not love and respect you for the wonderful being that you are, but your AgingCare Family does.

-- Ed
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Tigerlily - I think you misread my posts. No - there is/was no way I could take 'advantage' NOR WOULD I - of my mother or any of the situation. My YOUNGER SISTER who IS in charge of EVERYTHING for OUR mother is taking advantage......yes I am trying to distance myself - it helps.
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From what I can piece together from your posts, it sounds like your mother and sisters feel like you were taking advantage of your mother. That's the only reason to explain that you suddenly were shut out of her bank acct, Dr's, etc.
Have you asked your mother why?
In any case, if your mom wishes to continue with not having you as a caregiver and trusted daughter, you would be better off by distancing yourself from the drama and focusing elsewhere. It won't do you any good to keep beating your head against the wall if your mom is going to go along with your sisters.
You should contact your mom off and on and let her know you are there if she needs someone but let her see what it's like without you. Maybe she will see that you are the one that really wants to be helpful.
In any case, I wish the best for you and your mom.
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I feel your pain. I have no answer for you except to go in the bathroom at nite turn the lights out and lock the door and fall on your knees and take it to the lord in prayer. my sisters don't help me either because of my mom social security check.My mom owe everybody and tons of bills are coming in everyday. i went and got my mom from the hospital in New York and brought her here to live with me. I did a change of address to see who she owe because she wasn't or couldn't remember who she owe she has dementia and the doctor bills from there are flowing in. I'm not working i can't she can't be left alone and the only income we have is hers. Its rough. The only thing that keeps me going without complaining is the fact I ask for this and as the old saying goes BE CAREFUL WHAT U ASK FOR U JUST MIGHT GET IT AND BOY I GOT IT. Just when i feel bad i logged in here to see who else having a rough time like me and when i'm feeling down or think i'm having it bad i listen to you guys and somehow what i'm going thru seem smaller in comparison than what u all are experiencing. Somehow it keeps me motivated and keeps me going. THEY SAY WHEN U THINK U GOT IT BAD SOMEONE GOT IT WORSE THAN U . i say to u PRAY, THINK ABOUT THOSE WHO ARE FOR WHATEVER REASON THAT ARE STILL IN THE NURSING HOME BECAUSE THEY HAVE NOBODY, OR THE ONES THAT DO HAVE BUT DON'T WANT OR DON'T TAKE THE TIME TO CARE FOR THE ONES WHO TOOK CARE OF THEM. THINK ABOUT THE ONES WHO IF NOT FOR US WOULDN'T HAVE ANYBODY.We are the ones who get lied on,pick on by certain family members who contribut nothing ,not even time to give u a break or a nice word for a job well done or a phone call to say "HOW U DOING". I always thought family would always be family. BOY WASN'T I LIED TO. I GOT HOPE AND FAITH AND GOD GONE MAKE IT RIGHT. I SEND U A HUG FROM ME AND IF U NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO MY E-MAIL ADDRESS IS Flava272damix@hotmail.com ------or facebook me it would be nice to go thru this with someone thats doing the same as me PRAYING,CRYING ,AND AT TIMES LAUGHING TO KEEP FROM CRYING. GO TO FACEBOOK AND TYPE IN Flava Pierce.HANG IN THERE .
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I hear you and I wholeheartedly agree. There comes a time when you have to say enough is enough. Your health has to come first, and your sanity. Stress will kill you if you let it. Leigh
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Amen - givingup - BTDT got the tshirt - not going back. My health has started to suffer more with more changes in mother's life as she ages and more pressure and demands from her to me. I have backed off and distanced myself and am practicing detachment. My sister is the one who has always gotten the "goodies" and I am the one expected to do the work. Life is not fair - we just have to deal with it and look after ourselves.
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I meant to say above that when the other family members AREN'T getting counseling and growing and you are....
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witycitykity - I understand the issue you are dealing with because I have also dealt with a sibling (brother) who holds grudges over the most ridiculous, petty things and has colluded with my mother to scape goat me as the one who is the problem whereas they are both half out of their minds. What I have learned through all the heart ache and pain and strain on my health is that there is absolutely nothing I can do to change the situation. All I can do is change how I react to it. Over the course of the past five years of dealing with my mom's deteriorating health on top of her life long history of bipolar disorder and narcissistic personality disorder is I got sick - developed an autoimmune disorder and rheumatoid arthritis and seizures. Many of us fall into the same behaviors we did when we were children without even realizing it and it's great you have sought counseling because that will help you cope with the dysfunction you are describing. But when the other family members are getting counseling and growing and you are, the dynamic changes and most often, it doesn't get better for the family system since they aren't involved in the counseling and growth. So as hard as it is, and believe me, I struggle with this every single day, let go of trying to win a battle that you cannot win. Surrender and recognize that you do not have the power to change these people. You only have the power to change yourself and how you choose to react to them. May God bless you with love from those who know your heart and value you unconditionally.
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Our younger sister is the one who holds grudges and she's the one in control of everything for our mother. We were informed (but at least we WERE informed) that Mom is moving to another facility, last night. I am local but I was not consulted, I was not even aware Mom was miserable. She's to move in about a couple of weeks. Maybe my elder sister and I are not on the legal documents as POA or healthcare POA, but our younger sister SHOULD have consulted us when Mom first started talking about moving, not AFTER the decision was made. This does NOT happen overnight. Of course our younger sister says it just happened that fast, well, people just don't move and change facilities that fast, and not with her negotiating with the facility on rates. She expects us to believe she's kept us informed 'all along' which is total rubbish. We knew a year ago, her grand plan all along was to move her to this particular facility which was FIVE minutes from her house, and it's still FORTY minutes from my house, and our younger sister was COMPLAINING about a TWENTY minute drive to get Mom to take her places. At least Mom is not moving in with our younger sister.... YET. Guess we'll have to see if her rosey picture of this new facility is everything our Mom (with beginning dementia mind you) THINKS it will be.
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Dear scuttluebug....I have no clue what all the grudges are. I have gone and talked to them and they say nothing is wrong.....yet at the same time that don't call or speak or have anything to do with me. I don't know anything I have ever done to either of them or their family that would have caused anything for them to hold a grudge. The only time I get any response out of them is when there is some kind of flare up and they get angry and rant and rave about some crazy thing that happened that I don't even remember. (Like taking a pot plant that my mom gave me.) The psychologists all insist it is jealousy. I have a loving husband and two loving children who have turned out to be a success in life and a wonderful 3 yo grandson who loves me unconditionally. My husband and I spend 24/7 together with no squabbles or fights. We all enjoy each other and all work well together. They also say my downfall is I am an organizer and a clean freak. But I look at that as a good thing. :) Thanks for all the help. It makes me feel a little bit better that I am not alone with these problems.
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Dear WityCityKity, Its me again, scuttluebug. You never did say what caused the grudge between you and your sisters. Did something happen years ago or are they just crazy?

Have you tried talking to them about the problems between you? If your sisters are like mine they will not talk to me at all. They say they are through with me...

Once when we were children, my sister fell and I laughed at her. She never forgave me for it. She brought it up a few years ago. We were 10 and 12 years old, when this happened. I'm now 47 years old, this is not normal behavior .

We worry ourselves so wondering what we could have done to them, but in truth. We did nothing. Its there problem, weather it be jealousy or just mental illness.

I know it bothered me for years but, when my brother died in a house fire and i learned after that to live life to the fullest. It's there loss, there missing out not you. Take care of your Mom that's one thing you will never regret. Leigh
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Dear WityCityKity, I am thankful that you asked this question. I still struggle with the question of why I am not "good enough" for my mother, and I imagine that many of us feel that way as caregivers. I have discovered, through counseling, that even though my siblings have left me with my parents as their caregiver, they feel guilty about it and take it out on me. That is not a good excuse for their behavior, but I have worked toward deciding that the situation is what it is. I sincerely suggest that you get help through social services. The case managers of each hospital we were at with my father helped our family understand the reality
of his situation. We also have the "code of silence" in our family, and I have learned that someone else needs to tell them the truth. I hope you will try to take care of yourself and your family. Rebecca
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Thank you all so much for the comments and well wishes. It has been better for me than anything else. I do see some of my faults and now I know what areas of my life and attitude to work on to make me a better person. One thing I will have to work on the guilt I feel for not being a perfect daughter and doing EVERYTHING for my mother. I will do as much as I can for her health and well being but at the same time I cannot consume my entire life worrying about it. I thank everyone for helping me.
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At some point your going to have to let go. You can only control your own thoughts and actions, and be responsible for only that. Your Mother at the age of 88, it is not a healthy environment for her to hear or be around, and with the hostility in the air I have a feeling these things are not being discussed privatley.You should consider talking with social services and have a mediator quash the immediate harmful living conditions and environment your Mother is in at present. After all isn't it about her needs, no- one elses. Your silblings sound rather selfish and controling and to be honest you have a little this too. Dont cause your Mother any further dis - ease in her life. No one knows when their time will end, live for today and make hers very pleasant and enjoyable. If your not at ease with her meals and overall nutrition then make meals daily and take them to her or take her out for nutritious meals and that way some of her needs are met and you feel good that you providrd them for her, and let's not forget the time you have now spent togeether talking about nicer things and seeing nicer things, like a park or the ocean (dont know where you live) but you can always find a pleasant setting to bring a smile to her heart and face.
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Unfortunately, for you your sister or sisters have held and kept a grudge all these years. They are not going to let it go. Just the fact that they held one for years, says somethings wrong. This is not normal I myself have had the same thing done to me.

It hurts, because I have no Ideal what I could have done to be treated this way. Not only by my sisters but my Mom whom I've done a lot for. You have to learn to let go, and live your own life. I pray every night for my Mother. Every once in a while I'll slip back and wonder why i wasn't good enough to be loved. Bless you and your family, I hope you find peace.
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Seriously. Consult a lawyer and find out what you have to do to protect yourself.

Protect yourself first, (your husband and children) then protect your Mom, if possible.
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This isn't about grudges, it's about your sibs being JERKS!

Like too many of us, you're taking TOO MUCH responsibility!

They've cut you out and maybe done you a favor. You need to get a lawyer, (and maybe a shotgun with some buckshot)
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Geting it out on paper can be a release, but, go the distance.. consider releasing it period. You can change no one. No one can change you. Your thoughts and actions are you own, and the same goes for others. Your Mother and only your Mother should be the focus, not the yard or calls or un-returned phone calls, if your uneasy about her diet then take her out or prepare meals and take them over daily etc,etc...Their is always resolution. Ask social services for a mediator to quash the family disputes. 88 yrs af age? This is trully the last thing she should endure. Give her some peace and yourself while you at it. It's sounds like everyone wants control. Only control your own actions and thoughts, no one eles. No ones! Let it go and all will fall into place.
Let this be your personal spritual mantra:.... " I hope I find some peace today"
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If county gets involved, see what they say about actually pressing charges against your siblings, and demanding repayment of all shady money deals.
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In addition to all of the above you might want to make sure you and yours are making good self-care decisions. For example, if someone doesn't want you to use their gloves, fine, but go get your own rather than get poison ivy! A small example, but you see what I mean. Not using gloves "because" the other guy else refuses to lend you theirs sets YOU up to blame the other guy for the consequences of not using gloves. There are grudges to spare in this story.
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First, you can perhaps have your counselor provide the exact name and number to call at social services, most likely called something like the Department of aging and adult services, a county agency. Also check with your counselor to see if your county's agency has a good reputation. There was, and perhaps still is, an unmonitored situation with the Los Angeles County system. It made big feature story series several years ago.

This is a complex case, and they will probably assign an investigator to do home assessment, interviews with all concerned, mental evaluation of your mother. Although it is costly to your mother's estate, with lawyer appointed to represent ONLY your mother's side, it might perhaps put all parties into the correct relationship. The county might sue for both personal and estate conservatorship, and because the family itself is dysfunctional, they may decide to put her in a nursing home.

Also your right as a daughter to have relationship with your own mother can be reestablished, and a "guard" provided for visits when appropriate (to safeguard your mother, prevent undue influence). If she is in a nursing home then that might even be easier for you to visit, and actually offer her more personal ongoing support to augment activities at the nursing home. Good luck.
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((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))wity - don't think I can add much to what has been said in the posts above - i have a toxic "using" sister who mother favours and wants me to be the servant. Protect yourself - who you are in not defined by them. Let us know how it goes.
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I agree with all above. You have been cut out of the picture by your odd sisters. Unfortunately, if you Mom is of sound mind, there is nothing you can do about it. In dysfunctional families, there is often a "power struggle." This happens when one or both parents play the children off one another. Often, the caring, gentle, giving child is the one that is left out by the more domineering, aggressive ones. When we get older, nothing changes.
I agree with jeanne...take a giant step back. Call your Mom but stay out of the fray. Forget mending fences with the sibs...not gonna happen as long as they are grappling over what is left of Mom's estate and they don't deserve you time. So let them do all the work, and you, my dear, take a well-deserved vacation. You have enough on your plate caring for the MIL. Btw, your Mom is the main problem in all of this.
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Wit, I agree about social services! Your mom is suffering and you are the only one who seems to realize she needs help. Once the authorities step in, it will cause difficulties that will need to be straightened out, but you may eventually be able to become her guardian because of the abuse your sisters are causing. Don't be surprised if they are draining all of your mom's $$. If that is the case, it won't be long before they abandon her and you will be stuck cleaning up the mess, as you see m to be the only one who has a conscience and really care.
You definitely need to talk to a lawyer about options for your mom, or get social services involved real soon!
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Wity, are we sisters??? Sounds like my sisters who I call the "Ugly Sisters". but without the violence.. I would have pressed charges, but that part is over with... And I , like the others are very proud of you for getting counseling... I was blessed to be in counseling for other things and learned how to deal with my crazy family... I DON'T, that's what works for me.. but first I had to do some work to accept the situation for what it was... and it did not happen over night... but one of the things I did was look at each sister, the good, bad and the ugly, and see if I just met this person would I want them in my life... the answer is NO... I am very different from my sisters, like you, life is too short to stay upset over things that happened a million years ago... but I had to have help getting to that state of mind.... and sounds like you are taking the high road here and trying to get your life in order..... I realized I needed my oldest sisters acceptance, but not her approval.. But after all was said and done, I realized she is who she is, and will never accept me... that doesn't make me, my life or my accomplishments any less valuable... if she called me a "chair" that didn't make me one... so I pray you continue to get help and get to a place that needing them is less painful, that you realize YOU are fine and good just the way you are...I don't even think of them very often anymore.. I have a full and busy life, friends that are more like sisters than the blood ones, and it is none of my business what others think of me... I no longer let the "ugly sisters" live in my head rent free... I could WISH my life away that things were different, but that was getting me nowhere... they are who they are, think what they think, and nothing you could do will change that... some people are very content in that kind of mentality, sorry it makes no sense to me... and we don't get to pick our families but we do get to pick our friends.... I have wonderful loving supportive friends... I do not stay upset all the time, life is too short... keep up the counseling and get social services involved if you feel your mom is in danger....you would not walk into a "toxic dump site" knowing what would happen if you did, what is the difference here... If it can kill me from stress, then I stay away from it.. Life hands us enough real things to be stressed about.. I wish you well and let us know of your success.. and you are defiantly successful......hugs across the miles.
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I agree that it sounds as though there may be mental illness or substance abuse or something going on with your family. Your mother is wrong. What you describe is not just normal sibling spats. This is toxic!

Unfortunately for her and for you, your mother has sided with your sisters. She has chosen to take you out of the caregiver role. That is her right. If you feel that her environment is not safe you can get social services involved as a nuetral third party.

Otherwise I suggest that you focus your energy at caring for you MIL and strengthening your marriage. It is very sad, but you can't force your mom to accept your help, even if you are the only sane one offering it!
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naheaton...my sisters say they are not mad....but yet they have nothing to do with me or my family. When my sister went out of control and started ranting and raving over the phone she brought up things that happened years ago that she and my other sister are upset about. They are upset that we opened the casket at the cemetary when my dad died. They did not want this but it was my mother that made the decision not me. They claim we told the funeral director to open it out at the cemetary. This decision has to be made even before you leave the funeral home to go to the cemetary. They also are upset that I took a pot plant that my mom gave me several days after my dad's funeral. There were about 50 of them and my mom gave several away but I got mine first before my sisters got to choose. The rest of the things they are upset about are so stupid that I am not going to even use up the space to talk about it. My sister that lives out of state did not talk to me for over 5 years and I never knew why. Then one day she just decided to come down for Christmas and brought all my family presents and acted like nothing had ever happened. From an early age I was taught that if we just acted like everything was ok and we never faced our problems then there really was not a problem. We never discussed anything that was bothering us...we just played like everything was good. My husband came along and he taught me to face the problems...discuss them....solve them....and go on with life. Life is too short to hold grudges. It took a while for me to get used to this way but I figured out it was a good thing. I wish we could all at least be cordial....we don't have to be lovey dovey but we do need to talk about my mothers issues. I am the caregiver for my husbands mom so I know how difficult it can be....she only has my husband and I for help and support. I have asked my mom to help out with my relationship with my sisters but she just laughs and says that her sisters got upset with her and didn't like her much either. I don't remember this at all. My aunts were always around and everyone got along very well. My mom buries her head in the sand and does nothing about anything. Because of the HIPA laws no one will really talk to me because my name has been taken off all lists. I find myself sinking in quick sand and no one there to throw me a rope.
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Wity, first of all this whole story sounds like it should've been on a Jerry Springer episode. Secondly, the first sentence of your post asks 'why do my sisters hold grudges' what's that all about? Are they actually holding a grudge about you that suddenly has come to the forefront, or is this something else? Sounds like they're all crazy to me, with the hoarding and the violent husband etc. I don't understand why all of a sudden they move back to your state and go ballistic. What happened? Why did everything seemingly change overnight with the bank, mom's care, the shutting you out, all this anger? Something isn't right here. I'd be curious to hear what your husband has to say about the drama.
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I agree with Carol that your best bet is to turn this over to social services, and explain all of the factors just as you have explained them to us. I am so glad you are getting some help with the anxiety and stress issues. I waited to get help and ended up with two mild heart attacks from stress. I am now in counseling, and it is truly helping. The main issues for me have also involved siblings.It is so hard when you know you have done the right thing and that is what hurts us as caregivers. Your mother has a part in all of this, too. Age does not excuse someone from realizing that one adult child is not being treated fairly unless the older person has dementia or other severe health factors. Once my mother received a glimpse of how some of my siblings were behaving toward me ( I am her main caregiver.), she put a stop to it in a firm manner. Have you thought of removing yourself from the situation for a few months after contacting social services ? Try to focus on yourself and your family. Keep in touch with your mom through a few phone calls but start creating a life for yourself. The social worker will not be happy with the death threats from your brother-in-law. Let him or her try to unravel what is going on while you ask for the best living and health situations for your mother. I don't know if this will help, but my cardiologist told me that adult children who continue to grow and mature throughout their lives can be excellent caregivers. However, our siblings who reached their peaks at 18 or in their twenties and have not continued to grow, frequently do not understand what it takes to be a caregiver. It sounds like you are a true caregiver. Don't give up but please take care of yourself.Rebecca
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Your sister and brother-in-law showed their true colors when that altercation occurred. You could have filed charges. It sounds as though there may be mental illness or substance abuse or something going on with them. However, it's your mom and you who matter.
First - I'm thrilled you went to counseling. That was wise and you should try to keep that up. You can't let the anxiety of this situation kill you. Is there some way to get your mom into assisted living where professionals are around to monitor things? Her health would be better controlled and any abuse from your siblings would be noticed. It's too bad the visiting nurses aren't reporting the health problems, but they likely don't know the full story and they certainly don't want to get in the middle of family squabbles.
You could try to get a family mediator to talk with the whole family, but they sound so out of control that they likely wouldn't meet. You may have to turn your mom's situation over to Social Services if you can't get help elsewhere. Please take care of yourself.
Carol
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