I have two sisters who married two brothers and I guess I have always been the odd man out. I was on my parents accounts and took care of them for years. Both sisters at one time moved several states away and I always took care of everything that my parents needed. The older my parents got the more I had to do. One sister moved back to our small town but I still continued to care for my parents. She helped sometimes. This sister is a hoarder (just like on the tv show). She lives with 11 dogs in a nasty house that is not even liveable. My mom is 88 and still in pretty good health. My dad passed away two years ago. He had not been gone a month before both my sisters took my mother to the bank and changed everything on the accounts. My name is no where on any account. Not even payable on death. They took her to the lawyers office soon after and she made a new will. She left my sister that had moved back in charge of everything. All bank accounts have her name, she was named executor of the will, power of attorney, medical power of attorney and given authority over all medical decisions. THey did all this without my knowledge of any of this. I knew they were acting strange but never thought they would do that to me. Mother called and accused me and my husband and kids of stealing from her. They changed the door locks and did not give me a key. I told her to make a list of the things she thought I took and I would bring them back or buy new ones. She never came up with anything. I went and talked with my sisters and tried to straighten things out.....they both said they were not mad about anything they were just busy in life. Anything I tried to do for my mother was always ruined by my sister. For example, I trimmed her shrubs and cleaned her house one time. My sister jumped all over me because I trimmed the shrubs at the wrong time of year and I pulled weeds out of the flower beds that were not really weeds and somehow I killed a rose bush and I threw away newspapers. The plants were not hurt....the rose bush even came back. I asked my mom for a key and she said she did not have any extra. I tried to explain that if she fell I could not get in to help her. About a week later she fell. She had to lay on the floor for my sister to finally show up with her key. These sort of things just kept going on until I backed off and did not contact anyone for a while. I began having chest pains, shortness of breath and severe asthma and unexplainable pains. I was checked out by several doctors and found nothing wrong with my heart or my lungs. I went to counseling and they told me that I was in a severe state of trauma. After weeks of counseling and figuring out none of this was actually my fault they taught me that I could not change anyone, I could not make anyone love me or even like me. I know I have not done any wrong towards any of them. My sister that lives in my town never contacts me....not even when mom was rushed to the hospital. My sister that lives in another state never contacts me when she comes in for a visit. They will not answer my phone calls or return my calls. I have written letters and they have gone unanswered. It hurts my heart that I have lost my family. They are in charge and my mom is going downhill fast. Nothing is getting done. The bills are at least 2 months behind, house has mice and roaches in it. Mom is not taking a bath so that just adds to the smell. The grass is not cut, the bushes are out of control, and my mom eats sandwiches,TV dinners, chips and cookies. Nothing healthy. Her ankles and legs are huge because of all the sodium. A nurse comes out once a week to check her. They do nothing about any of this. My mom tells me they say she and her house are fine and good. Recently my daughter and daughter-in-law went to help out with chores. They went every morning for three weeks doing yard work and housework. My sister called and yelled at them for using her gloves that were at my mothers house. They did not use the gloves anymore and my daughter-in-law got poison ivy all over her arms then it spread all over her body. I called my sister after I found out she was so mad at my mom, who had nothing to do with it. My sisters husband got on the phone and I handed the phone to my husband. He told my husband he was coming over to kill him. He never had acted in this manner but in minutes he was there. I stepped in between the two of them and my brother in law was pushing and shoving me and told me he would take me out and then kill my husband. The law came and just told him to go home. He said he would come after me and my husband. My sister is mad at my mother for not standing up for her husband. I did not file charges. Now I am taking care of mom and getting things in order until today. Mom and my sister are talking again and now my mom will not even hardly talk to me. I can't continue on this roller coaster. What do I do?
First - I'm thrilled you went to counseling. That was wise and you should try to keep that up. You can't let the anxiety of this situation kill you. Is there some way to get your mom into assisted living where professionals are around to monitor things? Her health would be better controlled and any abuse from your siblings would be noticed. It's too bad the visiting nurses aren't reporting the health problems, but they likely don't know the full story and they certainly don't want to get in the middle of family squabbles.
You could try to get a family mediator to talk with the whole family, but they sound so out of control that they likely wouldn't meet. You may have to turn your mom's situation over to Social Services if you can't get help elsewhere. Please take care of yourself.
Carol
Unfortunately for her and for you, your mother has sided with your sisters. She has chosen to take you out of the caregiver role. That is her right. If you feel that her environment is not safe you can get social services involved as a nuetral third party.
Otherwise I suggest that you focus your energy at caring for you MIL and strengthening your marriage. It is very sad, but you can't force your mom to accept your help, even if you are the only sane one offering it!
You definitely need to talk to a lawyer about options for your mom, or get social services involved real soon!
I agree with jeanne...take a giant step back. Call your Mom but stay out of the fray. Forget mending fences with the sibs...not gonna happen as long as they are grappling over what is left of Mom's estate and they don't deserve you time. So let them do all the work, and you, my dear, take a well-deserved vacation. You have enough on your plate caring for the MIL. Btw, your Mom is the main problem in all of this.
This is a complex case, and they will probably assign an investigator to do home assessment, interviews with all concerned, mental evaluation of your mother. Although it is costly to your mother's estate, with lawyer appointed to represent ONLY your mother's side, it might perhaps put all parties into the correct relationship. The county might sue for both personal and estate conservatorship, and because the family itself is dysfunctional, they may decide to put her in a nursing home.
Also your right as a daughter to have relationship with your own mother can be reestablished, and a "guard" provided for visits when appropriate (to safeguard your mother, prevent undue influence). If she is in a nursing home then that might even be easier for you to visit, and actually offer her more personal ongoing support to augment activities at the nursing home. Good luck.
Let this be your personal spritual mantra:.... " I hope I find some peace today"
Like too many of us, you're taking TOO MUCH responsibility!
They've cut you out and maybe done you a favor. You need to get a lawyer, (and maybe a shotgun with some buckshot)
Protect yourself first, (your husband and children) then protect your Mom, if possible.
It hurts, because I have no Ideal what I could have done to be treated this way. Not only by my sisters but my Mom whom I've done a lot for. You have to learn to let go, and live your own life. I pray every night for my Mother. Every once in a while I'll slip back and wonder why i wasn't good enough to be loved. Bless you and your family, I hope you find peace.
of his situation. We also have the "code of silence" in our family, and I have learned that someone else needs to tell them the truth. I hope you will try to take care of yourself and your family. Rebecca
Have you tried talking to them about the problems between you? If your sisters are like mine they will not talk to me at all. They say they are through with me...
Once when we were children, my sister fell and I laughed at her. She never forgave me for it. She brought it up a few years ago. We were 10 and 12 years old, when this happened. I'm now 47 years old, this is not normal behavior .
We worry ourselves so wondering what we could have done to them, but in truth. We did nothing. Its there problem, weather it be jealousy or just mental illness.
I know it bothered me for years but, when my brother died in a house fire and i learned after that to live life to the fullest. It's there loss, there missing out not you. Take care of your Mom that's one thing you will never regret. Leigh
Have you asked your mother why?
In any case, if your mom wishes to continue with not having you as a caregiver and trusted daughter, you would be better off by distancing yourself from the drama and focusing elsewhere. It won't do you any good to keep beating your head against the wall if your mom is going to go along with your sisters.
You should contact your mom off and on and let her know you are there if she needs someone but let her see what it's like without you. Maybe she will see that you are the one that really wants to be helpful.
In any case, I wish the best for you and your mom.
No sense in crying over spilt milk, so move on. I don't think this abuse on the part of your siblings and their loved ones is anything new. Back then you didn't do much about it, today you didn't do much either. Until your self-esteem is enhanced somehow, you'll keep on seeking acceptance from those predators. Still, your Mom made the decision to turn her care over to them after all you've done. But you know what? When all the money is gone and your mother's life is coming to a close they'll realize exactly how much you were and are worth. Although she's already taken sides, If you want to keep fighting for your Mom all those spats and public scenes need to stop; and avoid putting your children in the middle of it. Keep your distance, and notify the appropriate agencies in writing if you believe your Mom is a victim of elder abuse.
Time doesn't heal all wounds. Some are just too deep and the only thing you can do to move forward is learn to live with them. Treat yourself ... get on with your life for a change.
Those social parasites might not love and respect you for the wonderful being that you are, but your AgingCare Family does.
-- Ed