My aunt is 93 and a spinster. She is in a lovely care home in the UK as she is now in a chair/wheelchair as she broke her hip and wouldn't do the physiotherapy. So she could not return to her assisted living (we call it sheltered housing) as she cannot manoeuvre herself even to the bathroom. She hated being in a home because for the first time in her life it was a decision made for her, as opposed to her making the decision. She is very stubborn if she can't get her way. This morning I received a call to say she has broken a finger of one of the carers and thrown a cup of tea over another. Her language would have shamed a stevedore, which is surprising as she was always careful about her use of words. I have since found out that this isn't the first tea throwing incident.I have seen her medical summary as I had to have a copy when I took her to the hospital a few months ago. There is no mention of any mental impairment, just chronic kidney failure. Are these physical outbursts in any way an indication of pre dementia in the experience of the lovely people on this forum please.
However, if she is like my mom at all, she won’t agree. My mom sounds a lot like your aunt. She started with the memory decline first, though, and then started having significant behavioral issues. (But yes, there are some dementias where the behavioral issues start first.) Normally, the brain’s “bottom up” feelings, impulses, and agitation are countered by the brain’s “top down” regulatory mechanisms. In dementias, the top down mechanism fails to work, and you have rampant bottom up outbursts and agitation that go unchecked.
Anyway, my mom refused any and all medical treatment (which is another huge issue around being POA, etc), had screaming matches with waitresses in restaurants, cussed like a sailor at Uber drivers, hit me and my brother, pulled her caregiver’s hair, smashed her TV (twice), etc. She’s now on a medication that has calmed her down significantly, thank God.
And this was not my usual mom, who had always been calm and peaceful. Yet it did help me to know that she couldn’t help it, it wasn’t intentional, and that it was very common in dementia.
Anyway, I wish you and your aunt the best. Remember to take care of yourself through all of this.
My own mother has broken both of her hips, and I recently broke my leg—which has made me more cautious and given me a firsthand understanding of how painful and difficult leg and hip injuries can be. Honestly, I don't even know how my mother manages with two broken hips and a deteriorating knee.
The outbursts you're describing do sound similar to what I witnessed with my mom when she began showing signs of dementia. Her agitation and increasingly argumentative behaviour were some of the early indicators. It wasn't until after her second fall that she was assessed and officially diagnosed.
Dementia can get quite difficult at times. I’ve learned to give her space during those moments and let things go until her mood passes. It’s not easy, but sometimes distance is the only thing that helps manage the emotional toll.
Your mother is unhappy and there’s really nothing anyone can do about it. As a VERY independent person myself, who’s just only hit 60, the thought of losing my independence is crazy making. I can’t even stand sitting here, at this stupid job, working for a virtual idiot. So, the idea that someone will remove me from my home, take me somewhere I don’t want to be, that is unfamiliar to me, to be with people, whom I neither like, nor ever will, imposing themselves upon me, is light years away from where anyone wants to be. My home and belongs, maybe pets are gone. Not a bit of happiness to be found there.
What I “think” I experienced with my mother, might sound absurd. But it is my opinion from that experience that, sometimes, even IF a person has dementia, traits of narcissism or even full blown NPD might be an even bigger problem. The nastiness is also being able to be strategic, in their destruction. In its basic form, misery loves company and they will take it out on the closest person to them. The person they feel cannot or will not leave. And they very much intend to ruin your life, as they feel justified, since their own life feels ruined now. Perhaps, the ONLY time you’ll see them embrace the situation, is when they’re made to feel like a king or queen, ruling over the peasants that are serving them. Then, it might even be bliss. When my mother went to the hospital once, she returned absolutely blissful, because I guess the staff had learned that the best way to treat narcissistic patients, is to treat them like royalty. They won’t even care why they’re there, as long as people appear to be kissing their a$$. And I also understood that when my mother conveyed to me how sweet the staff was, it was because she was trying to imbue upon me, that, too, should be treating her the same. Difference between me and the staff? I wasn’t billing her insurance.
I'm so sorry, but she's going to need advanced care very soon, and I hope she will find the care she needs.
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