Is it strange that I'm afraid of my 90 yr old mother? What should I do to manage this?

I do not care who or what the abusive person is in relation to you. If anyone, regardless of their reasons for doing it, abuses you - YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO OBLIGATION TO THEM WHATSOEVER. You may think you do because it is a mother or whatever but you do NOT. Walk away and do not look back. No one deserves that from another living soul. Your mother made her bed long before so now let her lie in it. YOU go on and take care of yourself and find things and people and situations that make YOU happy and have peace and then get involved with the good things in life. You deserve a happier life. And as to a therapist, check with the social service department in the local hospital or even the church. There are often ways that you can obtain therapy for greatly reduced or no fees. Go for it and give it a try. Good luck.

Get a therapist. Who cares what money you use, just go for your own peace of mind. She caused it, let her pay, just go. I know what it feels like and I know how it messes with your head. Go clear your head.

Hi, you might want to look into EFT. There are a ton of free trainings online. This self help therapy has helped millions of people. Its non-invasive and helps reduce stress immediately with most people. Stress is the root of most physical and emotional pain. I have taught over 900 people how to benefit from it and have seen life changing improvements personally. All the best!

My mom is in her 70's and I'm still afraid for her. She only hit me a few times but I ALWAYS tried to avoid conflict. I know in same cases (maybe yours) that does not matter. She will still threaten me if I stand up for myself too much. She can't stand anyone disagreeing with her. I don't really understand what the power of attorney give you authority over....but if its not out of bounds to use the money for that purpose....I would! I'm in therapy and I need it. I have decent insurance to help pay for it. I would talk with your therapist about that situation.

Contact your local ASAP ( Aging Service Access Point) and see what their Caregiver Program has to offer you.

If your name is on the accounts, it is half yours legally. If you are power of attorney on your mom's accounts, you can only use it for her.
I agree with visits in a common area and limited to monthly or whatever you feel. You could call and ask how she is also. So sorry for you having this painful situation.

I am so sorry about the way your mother treated you and how it affected you - even now. The best advice I can give you, and this is based on my life's experiences and a hard, sad life, is STAY AWAY FROM YOUR MOTHER. You have her in assisted living where people are trained to care for people like her. What earthly reason do YOU feel you have to visit your mother? She was no mother to you and she certainly is not now. You owe her nothing. She may have given birth to you but apparently she was mean and did not nurture you. She is in a safe place. Don't go to see her. Instead try to get involved in things that make you happy and feel safe and maybe seek some new friends. You would be surprised how you will heal when you stay away. She will destroy you. And check with local churches and medical facilities - some have support groups that you can join, often for free. Good luck and be strong.

As others say, stop visiting your mom. I am on anti psychotic medication to be able to tolerate seeing my folks. My father was a violent man. And he still expects for me to show "genuine" kindness to him? I was sexually assaulted by a stranger repeatedly when I was only 12 or 13 years old. When I finally got the guts to tell my folks what happened, they did nothing to help me. N o t h I n g. They told me to just to forget about it and think of something ' brighter' . So now, I have to be on anti psychotic meds to be able to handle myself to see them once in a great while. Don't you think that there is something wrong with this picture? Don't be like me, please.

As someone else has already said (sorry I can't find your post again), If you are in the USA and Medicaid maybe needed in the future, you cannot use your mother's funds to pay for your therapy, without it impacting the look back period. It could also be you can't feed yourself with her money. You can use her money to find a Eldercare Attorney to advise you. Be careful about the 5 year look back period. Try to get out and make new friends. If you can't get work right away, still get out of the house. volunteer, go to a senior center. If you don't have money for gas, try some place close by your house or take a bus. I don't think anyone has used the old airplane instructions. When the oxygen comes down, you put it on yourself first, then others. I am so happy that you are really listening to all the people on this site that are giving you good advice. Just, please, remember the 5 year look back period.

I think that if you use her money to see a therapist - you could get in trouble. You'd have to consult with an attorney for that one.

While I hate to suggest this - stop visiting your mother if it causes you this much grief. The people in charge can still reach you by telephone so really, they cannot insist you visit.

I'm really sorry you had this terrible a childhood. Home is supposed to be a safe haven where you are protected by your parents, not abused by them.

Fortuatly I had a good relationship with my Mother and Father...they would never play the guilt trip games that our relative does with her children my cousins..strange that this behavior surfaces whether its schizophrenia,or possessives...…….but its really pathetic how people are able to create a victim personality to manipulate their children...and then just snap out of it and be charming..or I call it lying...or I call it super salespeople..dominance submission
its a game are they insane or needy or controlling???she my,aunt is super needy and has acted out also underlying alcoholic...she has produced preety successful
children one being a Priest......they have developed this dysfunctional way of
communicating...…...which ironically has produced super salespeople...…..
everybody has secrets in their family...….if you are rude,bullying to your children
it will come back to bite you.
communicating but I do not think as they have their mother in a assisted living
now ……….she continues to run the show...….so don't take abuse......
communicating whilst trying to appear Christian...…….

I'm on meds now too. I hate it.
It really sucks

Stop visiting. There is no reason to see her and feed her behavior. There are no police looking to see if you’re visiting. Do the business end of things and that’s enough. Stop the insanity. You owe her nothing. And yes, I’d use her funds for therapy if she’s the reason for it. That’s a small price for her to pay.

Hi Tiger. I have similar to an extent feelings about my Dad....There is a Dysfunctional Group on this site. You should look for that. It has a big group of us with issues from our dysfunctional families. Good luck....And some of these suggestions on here, are right on. Visit less. And it would be wonderful to have a dear friend with you.

Choking a child is not a normal behaviour pattern (your mother when she was young). Did she ever see a psychiatrist? Visit her in the common areas of the facility.

It is one thing to provide physical care for an elderly abusive parent, but it is whole another issue to provide emotional care (such as visiting) to someone who is being taken care of.
Considering that your parent was borderline homicidal and profoundly affected you in your formative and later years, you have EVERY right to use this person's money to pay for your therapy without ANY guilt. It's the very simple principle: you break it - you pay for it! That applies to persons as well as things.
As to visiting this person and causing yourself even more panic and anxiety, I think you are also not obligated to suffer for the sake of... what? Discussing the harm she caused you with her? You don't discuss your pain with a crocodile who is trying to eat you? You get away as far as you can from a crocodile. And you take time and heal your wounds so you can have a better life and be a better parent.
Hugs!

If visiting your mother is causing you so much pain, stop visiting her. If acting as her POA is causing too much stress, remove yourself. If you were dead like your sister, the state would have to step in. Step away and look after yourself.

You need to protect your wellbeing.

Check your local community to counselling services that are low or no cost. There are often resources available through local mental health organizations.

If you are in the USA and Medicaid maybe needed in the future, you cannot use your mother's funds to pay for your therapy, without it impacting the look back period.

My mother liked to sneak up behind people and pinch them in the rear end. Before he died, my dad often had big bruises. She thought it was funny. While I was staying with her after he died, she did it to me once. I told her if it happened again, I would immediately pack my things and leave. She hasn't tried that with me since. If your mother is aware enough, perhaps just the threat of some kind of boundary or consequence would work.

My mother was mean and verbally abusive for most of my life. I started caring for her after my father passed 10 years ago. She would be abusive and fly into fits of rage while I was driving. There were times where I thought I would drive into a p0ole to make it stop. I finally stopped taking the abuse and just walk out, hang up the phone or whatever it took. This would curtail her behavior for a time because she was fearful I wouldn’t return... the more I did this the better it got. I began to distance myself as much as possible and hired an aide to relive the time I had to spend with her. I stopped a lot of my interaction with her and did what was necessary.ie drs appoints etc. In the past 6 months she has declined mentally and now she has a live-in. If I continued to be her care giver I would have not survived. It has helped emmensely. I have my own family.. that should be my priority and myself. You need to do what’s best for you.. time to care for yourself

I am sure that there will be many who disagree with my advice, but here it is: you do NOT need to continue to expose yourself to the fear that your mother makes you feel. Use your power of attorney to make sure you do everything you can to see that she is cared for. Find a good therapist who charges on a sliding scale -this is often $25 per hour-and take care of your emotional needs. Your mother will not change -ever. But you can begin to find your own joy in living. Not every woman is born to be a mother and yours obviously was not. As an abused child whose biological mother would not and could not protect me from an evil stepfather, I understand your fear. Do not let her inability to be your mom ruin you. I send you my care and many warm hugs. 🦄🐻🌻

This may work but it might help you feel better. Say, “Mom, if you are going to talk this way (or behave) I’m going to leave.” If she doesn’t stop then leave. Always do this consistently. If she doesn’t modify her behavior then go less and less often.

Hello Tiger55. I feel sad and sorry that You had to endure this torturous behaviour as a Child and and now as an Adult.
I guess some People are Born evil possessed by the devil and thrive in the misery of those Who are closest to Them. It seems Your Mom is a Street Angel and a House monster. May I ask where was Your Dad during these years ?Since We are well aware that in Life We only reap what We sowe I would have crossed Your Moms Name off my List long ago and inform the Nurses that You are moving on with Your Life and leave Your contact details in case Your Mom needs pyjamas or underwear or a night gown or slippers etc so You could drop what ever She needs off at the Nurses desk. Despite all of this torture You are still a very nice Person and You do not want to be contaminated by this Woman, so I would save Yourself.

Adults abused as children know their toxic situation is bad, yet many are reliving their phantom dependence in a closed loop caused by developmental-stage terror.  Read about Stockholm Syndrome if you can. The brain gets locked in being unable to integrate one’s true self with their hobbled, terrorized self.  

The adult abused child also has to deal with the double shame of not being able to confidently draw their boundaries, when they know and can read that others have successfully done so. I feel for you, but you seem like someone who can parse out phantom voices. The advice here is remarkable, and please never admonish yourself if you falter in trying to eke out your god-given self.

All the responses here have hit many nails on many heads!  What friends we have here.

Adults who were abused as children hope that, deep down, their kind behaviors (loyalty, caring, empathy, making things right for others, charitableness, visiting the infirmed abuser, etc.), will change the abuser or bring about a cloak of sane love and protection you never had. Or that some God/Good Parent /Rescue Witness will forgive the adult child for being guilty of having been marked by abuse. Or the burden of the parent’s chokehold will be lifted (as some responsible adult should have done for you). 

Abusive parents suck the life force out of their targeted children. As the adult child of an abusive parent, you have a very difficult time separating the autonomic nervous system responses from actual terror triggers. Separating and drawing boundaries threatens your existence, but you will get through it.

Read about Stockholm Syndrome, borderline personality disorder, malicious narcissists and trauma-induced anxiety. Accept who you are and that you may be working through this for a long time. If you can find no- or low-cost support groups, they are much cheaper than one-on-one therapy. If therapy is available, go for it!  Even grief groups can help, because basically you are working through the loss of your innocent Self and having to be your own protector. I feel lucky we have others on this site that do such a beautiful job of affirming the sanctity of Selfhood when walking on minefields.

If your mother was so mean to you, why on earth are you visiting her? Don't be a fool. Accept what she did was horrible but she is now gone away from you. She is being cared for. YOU don't owe her anything due to how she treated you.

You owe your mother nothing.  I like what Portmarly said about conservatorship.  As POA, it is perfectly legal to use her money for legal advice from an eldercare attorney.  Hugs and prayers for you.

I agree with what everyone else has said. Don't feel you are alone, don't worry what other people think. Easier said than done I know. My mother was emotionally abusive, I couldn't stand for her to touch me. After therapy, I got to the point I could touch her, but I couldn't stand for her to touch me. Weird huh, but there is a difference.

Get some professional help. Call your local Mental Health agency, city or county. They may be able to help you get some free or minimum cost therapist. If the first one or two don't work for you, keep looking. There will come a day when you will click with the correct one for you.

Have you thought of taking a friend with you? Limit your length of visit..and leave when it gets nasty.

Congrats for your honesty & your family ethic but you don't need this stress - her abuse of you is continuing in your essential being every time you visit because deep down you feel it will happen again - she will never be the mother you deserved

Cut down you visits to the bare minimum [don't go at holidays] & write her letters instead of visiting personally if that would make you feel better - in the first few put in a self-addressed stamped envelope so she can write back - if she writes back continue with those envelopes but once she has 3 then stop sending them but continue to write her in lieu of physical visits

Call her facility regularly to be on top of her situation but don't do the visits often - let them know that for personal reasons you will not be able to visit as often as you have been - they have her number by now anyway because the staff can read these people well - basically your mom is reaping what she sowed years ago

Then check about getting councelling for yourself without it depleting your finances - you don't say where you are but by stating that I assume that you are in USA - I am in Canada & much of that is covered albeit with a bit of a waiting list - it might take some searching & a bit of a wait but it will do you good in the end - try even some group therapy or self-help groups like AA but for abuse survivors - even going to the library to get relevant books will give a boost as you do something positive for yourself

Wow this sounds familiar. I have always felt fear around my father. Touching me inappropriately and still lives. My mother sounds a lot like your mom too.
Being the oldest and living closer than my sister makes it easier for her to call me.
She has Alzheimers and lives alone. I would love to keep in touch with you and share stories.
Nicole

You are not alone in caring for someone who did not care for you. I have similar issues with my father and struggle to cope with the emotional terrorism he inflicts. I also limit my time. I have noticed that the false façade he has projected to others has begun to crack as he has gotten into shouting matches with both the staff and the owner of the board & care. It's vindicating to know that others are beginning to see what I already know. However, your mental health should not be dependent on what others may be thinking of your self-care choices. One option is to see an eldercare attorney about a conservatorship for your mom, based on her needs and your health. Insist that you are no longer in a position to serve and get a court-appointed conservator to manage her care. It might be wise to seek an arrangement where you maintain financial oversight to assure that her assets are not depleted with inappropriate charges. You can access her funds to set this up. Another option is to use a caregiver service that provides companionship visits and simply send someone else to see her.