Is it strange that I'm afraid of my 90 yr old mother? What should I do to manage this?

Your profile says you are caring for a friend. Is this in addition to your mom? That’s a lot if you are.

I can understand how you would be hesitant to spend time with a person who verbally and physically abused you as a child to the point you had to move out. It doesn’t sound like it’s gotten much better.

Mom has dementia? Or lifetime mental issues? I would not feel guilty or obligated to visit her because there is no one else. Has her toxic personality driven everyone else away? It’s not your responsibility to be “the one”. She forfeited her rights by her abuse of you. And she’s still abusing you to the point you are developing your own mental issues. Break the ties. Visit once a month or less. Inform the nurses, or even the administrators of your plans not to visit and tell them you will be available for contact if needs be but because of her affect on your well-being you will no longer be visiting.

If you continue to expose yourself to this abuse, she will be more than happy to continue it. But she cannot if you take the responsibility for ending it.

I agree. With your history, I wouldn't visit if you need meds to cope. If you visit and she starts tell her until she can talk to you with respect and treat u as an adult, you will not visit then leave. Go back a week later, if she starts leave. No one says you have to take abuse because she is your Mom. She will eventually finally realize, or she won't. If she doesn't don't visit. Block her calls.

Yes, I was caring for a dear friend, but she died. My sister died years ago. Today mother is acting "super nice", but it's all fake: because I 'flipped out' last time from what she said & she's trying to act like nothing happened. This goes on & on, & its too much for me. Thank you everyone, I really need the help.

If you feel you must check in with her then restrict your visits to the common rooms or dining room or when she is at a group activity, that way you have an easy out and she is most likely going to be on her best behaviour.

Growing up in such an environment leaves deep seated issues that need to be dealt with as an adult. If it's possible, see if there are any services in your area that would be available for free. There are also hotlines and discussion groups where you can work to cope and gain confidence. It's important that you gain peace with the situation so you feel more control over it and your emotions. There are techniques to use to assist you in rethinking how you react to your mother. It takes time and effort, and you will have moments where you slip back to your old habits, but small steps will get you there. Put yourself first and you've received good advice here. I wish you and others who have gone through this, myself included, to have peace in our hearts while doing what we feel is right by their parent(s). Even though they may not deserve it, we have our own consciences and each situation and decision is unique to each of us.

Adult children are not required to visit an elderly parent - or anyone - who abused them during childhood. So why are you doing it? Is it just guilt?

Why not tell her outright that she was so abusive to you during childhood that she does not "deserve" to be visited by you, and that the visits do nothing but upset you - so you are going to stop them.

You deserve to have your own life and be happy - not visit a mean-spirited witch who does nothing but bring you down.

Visit your mother with someone... your friend or SW. I have many family members but only me that talks or visits my brother. He holds anger and it’s sad but I feel rewarded after I leave. I take him out to church( from Nursing home) or bring him foods and soda. Gradually gaining a relationship we never had. Now he calls me!! I’ve been told by many “ he’s lucky to have you”. I am

"...mother went into rages, (chased me down & choked me when I couldn't get away)"

Considering this, I'd say a once a month visit in a common area is being VERY nice!

If you think she won't run out of money before she dies (do you think this will happen?), I would definitely not hesitate to use her money to see a therapist, because she caused the problem.

I say that if meds are needed to cope with an elder, then all efforts should be made to get out of that environment, instead of just going on meds (with the many side-effects they can have). In your case, that means going less-frequent contact.

And once a month might even be too much -- if it is, try going for six weeks between visits.

YOU count. YOU matter. Your mother is safe and cared-for in AL, so let her reap what she's sowed, which is little contact with you, the one she abused.

It's not strange. While I am not fearful that my 84 year old mother will hurt me in a direct way physically, she has had a significant impact on my emotional health which has affected me physically. I saw a pattern of a condition that occurred in my body when she went through her rages in my presence. I haven't seen her since the end of July...I am supposed to see her tomorrow for a bridal shower...and I know that I have to keep my distance so she doesn't have the opportunity to drag me down her path of negativity. I am going to counseling and quite frankly, my time away from her has made a big difference in how I am feeling.
Even if I wasn't able to afford the counseling, I would definitely stay away as much as possible. I have no desire to assist her because EVERYTHING that I have offered to do for her has become a battle. So I am backing off. It may sound harsh, but this is self preservation. My epiphany came when my daughter pleaded with me to stay away from her, because my daughter and son need be to be healthy for them, their spouses, and my grandchildren. That's all I needed to hear.
Stay strong...and do whatever it takes to take care of yourself.

I'd consult with an attorney to see what your legal obligations are pursuant to the POA that you have. And, then comply with whatever that is. You may have to keep informed on her needs, so you can attend to them, but, other than that, I wouldn't visit if you don't want to or it bothers you. If you take medication, due to the stress of her visits, I'd discuss it with your doctor. I'd explore prescribed therapy and see if your health insurance could cover it. It sounds like you have a lot of lingering pain that should be addressed. I don't find your feelings strange at all. I find it amazing that you are still so charitable. I hope you can get some help.

Caring for someone is emotional enough without the toxic environment that you describe. (Odd how we think of abuse, everyone looks for bruises, cuts and other physical signs of abuse but emotional bruises are every bit as real as physical ones)
For your own mental health you should limit your exposure to the toxicity. visit once a month. Limit visits to common areas or where there is other people and activities. If she starts in just say " I am sorry I have to leave" then get up and go.
No need to even get into a "discussion" because it will end the way all the others have in the past.
Heal yourself. And while I am on that subject have you looked into support groups? There may be some that might give you some insight. While not therapy just talking might help a bit.

You are not alone in caring for someone who did not care for you. I have similar issues with my father and struggle to cope with the emotional terrorism he inflicts. I also limit my time. I have noticed that the false façade he has projected to others has begun to crack as he has gotten into shouting matches with both the staff and the owner of the board & care. It's vindicating to know that others are beginning to see what I already know. However, your mental health should not be dependent on what others may be thinking of your self-care choices. One option is to see an eldercare attorney about a conservatorship for your mom, based on her needs and your health. Insist that you are no longer in a position to serve and get a court-appointed conservator to manage her care. It might be wise to seek an arrangement where you maintain financial oversight to assure that her assets are not depleted with inappropriate charges. You can access her funds to set this up. Another option is to use a caregiver service that provides companionship visits and simply send someone else to see her.

Wow this sounds familiar. I have always felt fear around my father. Touching me inappropriately and still lives. My mother sounds a lot like your mom too.
Being the oldest and living closer than my sister makes it easier for her to call me.
She has Alzheimers and lives alone. I would love to keep in touch with you and share stories.
Nicole

Congrats for your honesty & your family ethic but you don't need this stress - her abuse of you is continuing in your essential being every time you visit because deep down you feel it will happen again - she will never be the mother you deserved

Cut down you visits to the bare minimum [don't go at holidays] & write her letters instead of visiting personally if that would make you feel better - in the first few put in a self-addressed stamped envelope so she can write back - if she writes back continue with those envelopes but once she has 3 then stop sending them but continue to write her in lieu of physical visits

Call her facility regularly to be on top of her situation but don't do the visits often - let them know that for personal reasons you will not be able to visit as often as you have been - they have her number by now anyway because the staff can read these people well - basically your mom is reaping what she sowed years ago

Then check about getting councelling for yourself without it depleting your finances - you don't say where you are but by stating that I assume that you are in USA - I am in Canada & much of that is covered albeit with a bit of a waiting list - it might take some searching & a bit of a wait but it will do you good in the end - try even some group therapy or self-help groups like AA but for abuse survivors - even going to the library to get relevant books will give a boost as you do something positive for yourself

Have you thought of taking a friend with you? Limit your length of visit..and leave when it gets nasty.

I agree with what everyone else has said. Don't feel you are alone, don't worry what other people think. Easier said than done I know. My mother was emotionally abusive, I couldn't stand for her to touch me. After therapy, I got to the point I could touch her, but I couldn't stand for her to touch me. Weird huh, but there is a difference.

Get some professional help. Call your local Mental Health agency, city or county. They may be able to help you get some free or minimum cost therapist. If the first one or two don't work for you, keep looking. There will come a day when you will click with the correct one for you.

You owe your mother nothing.  I like what Portmarly said about conservatorship.  As POA, it is perfectly legal to use her money for legal advice from an eldercare attorney.  Hugs and prayers for you.

If your mother was so mean to you, why on earth are you visiting her? Don't be a fool. Accept what she did was horrible but she is now gone away from you. She is being cared for. YOU don't owe her anything due to how she treated you.

Adults abused as children know their toxic situation is bad, yet many are reliving their phantom dependence in a closed loop caused by developmental-stage terror.  Read about Stockholm Syndrome if you can. The brain gets locked in being unable to integrate one’s true self with their hobbled, terrorized self.  

The adult abused child also has to deal with the double shame of not being able to confidently draw their boundaries, when they know and can read that others have successfully done so. I feel for you, but you seem like someone who can parse out phantom voices. The advice here is remarkable, and please never admonish yourself if you falter in trying to eke out your god-given self.

All the responses here have hit many nails on many heads!  What friends we have here.

Adults who were abused as children hope that, deep down, their kind behaviors (loyalty, caring, empathy, making things right for others, charitableness, visiting the infirmed abuser, etc.), will change the abuser or bring about a cloak of sane love and protection you never had. Or that some God/Good Parent /Rescue Witness will forgive the adult child for being guilty of having been marked by abuse. Or the burden of the parent’s chokehold will be lifted (as some responsible adult should have done for you). 

Abusive parents suck the life force out of their targeted children. As the adult child of an abusive parent, you have a very difficult time separating the autonomic nervous system responses from actual terror triggers. Separating and drawing boundaries threatens your existence, but you will get through it.

Read about Stockholm Syndrome, borderline personality disorder, malicious narcissists and trauma-induced anxiety. Accept who you are and that you may be working through this for a long time. If you can find no- or low-cost support groups, they are much cheaper than one-on-one therapy. If therapy is available, go for it!  Even grief groups can help, because basically you are working through the loss of your innocent Self and having to be your own protector. I feel lucky we have others on this site that do such a beautiful job of affirming the sanctity of Selfhood when walking on minefields.

Hello Tiger55. I feel sad and sorry that You had to endure this torturous behaviour as a Child and and now as an Adult.
I guess some People are Born evil possessed by the devil and thrive in the misery of those Who are closest to Them. It seems Your Mom is a Street Angel and a House monster. May I ask where was Your Dad during these years ?Since We are well aware that in Life We only reap what We sowe I would have crossed Your Moms Name off my List long ago and inform the Nurses that You are moving on with Your Life and leave Your contact details in case Your Mom needs pyjamas or underwear or a night gown or slippers etc so You could drop what ever She needs off at the Nurses desk. Despite all of this torture You are still a very nice Person and You do not want to be contaminated by this Woman, so I would save Yourself.

This may work but it might help you feel better. Say, “Mom, if you are going to talk this way (or behave) I’m going to leave.” If she doesn’t stop then leave. Always do this consistently. If she doesn’t modify her behavior then go less and less often.

I am sure that there will be many who disagree with my advice, but here it is: you do NOT need to continue to expose yourself to the fear that your mother makes you feel. Use your power of attorney to make sure you do everything you can to see that she is cared for. Find a good therapist who charges on a sliding scale -this is often $25 per hour-and take care of your emotional needs. Your mother will not change -ever. But you can begin to find your own joy in living. Not every woman is born to be a mother and yours obviously was not. As an abused child whose biological mother would not and could not protect me from an evil stepfather, I understand your fear. Do not let her inability to be your mom ruin you. I send you my care and many warm hugs. 🦄🐻🌻

My mother was mean and verbally abusive for most of my life. I started caring for her after my father passed 10 years ago. She would be abusive and fly into fits of rage while I was driving. There were times where I thought I would drive into a p0ole to make it stop. I finally stopped taking the abuse and just walk out, hang up the phone or whatever it took. This would curtail her behavior for a time because she was fearful I wouldn’t return... the more I did this the better it got. I began to distance myself as much as possible and hired an aide to relive the time I had to spend with her. I stopped a lot of my interaction with her and did what was necessary.ie drs appoints etc. In the past 6 months she has declined mentally and now she has a live-in. If I continued to be her care giver I would have not survived. It has helped emmensely. I have my own family.. that should be my priority and myself. You need to do what’s best for you.. time to care for yourself

My mother liked to sneak up behind people and pinch them in the rear end. Before he died, my dad often had big bruises. She thought it was funny. While I was staying with her after he died, she did it to me once. I told her if it happened again, I would immediately pack my things and leave. She hasn't tried that with me since. If your mother is aware enough, perhaps just the threat of some kind of boundary or consequence would work.

If visiting your mother is causing you so much pain, stop visiting her. If acting as her POA is causing too much stress, remove yourself. If you were dead like your sister, the state would have to step in. Step away and look after yourself.

You need to protect your wellbeing.

Check your local community to counselling services that are low or no cost. There are often resources available through local mental health organizations.

If you are in the USA and Medicaid maybe needed in the future, you cannot use your mother's funds to pay for your therapy, without it impacting the look back period.

It is one thing to provide physical care for an elderly abusive parent, but it is whole another issue to provide emotional care (such as visiting) to someone who is being taken care of.
Considering that your parent was borderline homicidal and profoundly affected you in your formative and later years, you have EVERY right to use this person's money to pay for your therapy without ANY guilt. It's the very simple principle: you break it - you pay for it! That applies to persons as well as things.
As to visiting this person and causing yourself even more panic and anxiety, I think you are also not obligated to suffer for the sake of... what? Discussing the harm she caused you with her? You don't discuss your pain with a crocodile who is trying to eat you? You get away as far as you can from a crocodile. And you take time and heal your wounds so you can have a better life and be a better parent.
Hugs!

Choking a child is not a normal behaviour pattern (your mother when she was young). Did she ever see a psychiatrist? Visit her in the common areas of the facility.

Hi Tiger. I have similar to an extent feelings about my Dad....There is a Dysfunctional Group on this site. You should look for that. It has a big group of us with issues from our dysfunctional families. Good luck....And some of these suggestions on here, are right on. Visit less. And it would be wonderful to have a dear friend with you.

Stop visiting. There is no reason to see her and feed her behavior. There are no police looking to see if you’re visiting. Do the business end of things and that’s enough. Stop the insanity. You owe her nothing. And yes, I’d use her funds for therapy if she’s the reason for it. That’s a small price for her to pay.

I'm on meds now too. I hate it.
It really sucks