Is it ok to not come home for a funeral if away on an expensive vacation (parent is 90 and no memory)? Can I say goodbye before I leave?

Without reading all 50+ answers/ opinions I am going to give you mine for what it is worth.
If you were my daughter and we had/have a good relationship I would tell you to go on your trip, enjoy yourself and tell me all about it when you return. (This assuming I am in good health now).
I am not the one that is going to care if you are there for a wake, funeral or other gathering. It is all the other people that are going to give opinions one way or the other. You are the one that is going to field the questions of “where were you? Why were you not with your mom?” The answer to those questions are none of anyone’s business. Only time will tell if you feel “guilty” about not being there, all I can say is guilt is an emotion that to much time and effort is wasted on. You have nothing to feel guilty about if you made an informed decision given the circumstances and possibilities at the time.
go, enjoy your trip, it’s one I would love to take

If you believe it is ok then it is “ok.” Why are you second guessing yourself? Enjoy your vacation and celebrate your life in remembrance of your father.

Take your trip to Alaska. Funerals are the biggest waste of time and money that I can think of. Every moment you spend with your loved one while they are living is what matters. The Mom you knew is already gone. Dementia takes the person and leaves a shell of what once was.

I am confused... are you worried about missing your mother's funeral?
With your father gone, wouldn't that funeral be planned by you and your siblings? And, couldn't it be planned at a time when you are not rushing back from a planned vacation?

If your mother is in good health when you leave, I, personally, see no reason not to go on a trip, or to have to return if she dies suddenly.

If a family member is in decline, I would probably see things differently.

With your mom's age, it is wise for you to buy trip insurance in case something happens just before you leave so you are there, and not thousands of mile away.

But, it strikes me that all depends on your relationship with your siblings.
Perhaps they are the ones you should be asking.

All the other stuff in your question (your age, trip destination, finances, retirement, and communication with siblings) really has nothing to do with your decision to see you mom, or attend her funeral - though clearly there is a lot of emphasis on these things. The fact that your mom doesn't remember your visits also has little to do with her and everything to do with you. A long life, prologed illness, and ultimate death of our family members is a stressor that brings out our true nature. I hope peace of mind comes to you - but it won't be found in Alaska, it is found in your heart. I hope you find it.

IF you want to be at the funeral IF she passes while you are on your vacation, let the funeral home (I am sure you already have one picked out for your mother) and the nursing home to advise you of her passing but that you want to put her on hold until you get back. I am sure plenty of people did this during covid (put the funeral on hold) until a better time. It sounds like you do not live close to where your mother is for only visiting 2 or 3 times a year. Even though SHE doesn't remember, will you regret not being at the funeral? Think about it and see if it can be put on hold until you get back. wishing you luck.

Your heart will treasure saying goodbye to a living parent than to remember her in a casket. Have a goodbye time and then go on the vacation.
Funerals are for the nes left behind and if the sibling relationship isn't close, then there is no need to go an have an awkward time .

It's 50/50. Go and she lives or dies. Don’t go and she lives or dies. It's a dice roll. My advice is to buy trip insurance and take the trip and enjoy yourself.

Imho, yes, you should absolutely take the trip to Alaska. I say this from firsthand experience. My husband and I never took important number wedding anniversary trips because 'Oh, my, what if mother takes ill?' Wrong decision because now mother has passed away and we're now elders ourselves and it's too hard to take these trips.

Back in 1996 I planned a trip to Alaska (like many others on this forum, but flying to Anchorage and renting a car for two weeks, with a side trip to Barrow flying from Fairbanks). Before I left, my father (only 72 at the time, but having had a couple cardiovascular events) told me "no matter what happens, don't cut your trip short".

He was one of the most considerate people, even to the end of his life nearly 18 years later.

You say she is in good health... why assume she is going to die while you are on vacation? I would go.

How would this be any different than the way you are already interacting with your family?

Maybe you want strangers to tell you that your behavior is okay. Plenty will cheer on your uncaring behavior. Plenty will say that is what they did! Repulsive all around!!

Others, like myself are horrified. I wish I could “un-read” your question! Is there still hope for humanity?

It’s never too late to improve, but if you are asking this question, that doesn’t sound the advice you want to hear.

Maybe on your vacation you can at least reflect on the quality of your behavior.

yes, its OK...perhaps attend a memorial gathering of family later.

Go on your vacation. But before you go, set up your plans with family and a funeral home. Make sure your family has agreed with the plan. If you have her cremated, they can hold her ashes until you return, and then have a memorial service. You can bury ashes in her plot next to her deceased husband just as you would a casket. If you don't care for cremation, the funeral home might also hold her body until you return.

Funerals are not for the dead; they are for the living to deal with death of those that departed. Your presence may be just the comfort another needs to find peace in the moment. My advice - be there for family and friends. This opportunity will not come again, but Alaska will still be there after the funeral,

Shoud have purchased the insurance.
I work for Disney travel &
I hear this all the time, but if it were me, I would forgo the trip.
Maybe I have a different relationship with my parents than you.
Your the one who has to live with yourself.
Parents deserve better just because she doesn't realize, they gave for you their entire life even if you were too small to remember.

Given all the circumstances, and the age, and she has no awareness of reality, for God's sake - go to the trip and enjoy it. You may never have another chance. Say good bye before and maybe she will be there when you come back and maybe not. She has lived her life and now you must live YOUR life while you still can. Please go on that trip.

I think there are a lot of good answers here. I just have one thing to add. Ask your sibs or other concerned persons to NOT call you on your vacation. You should enjoy every bit of your vacation and catch up with whatever news there might be when you get home. For years my husband and I took our vacations in remote places where there were no landlines and no cell towers specifically to avoid distractions from work and family. A vacation only works if you temporarily "vacate" your normal responsibilities. Cut that phone link, and don't check your email. It will feel weird for the first day or so, but you will be glad you did.

I’d think your biggest problem would be others judgement. If you can live with that I suppose it’s not the worst thing one can do.

Unless you are expecting her death at the time of your vacation, you should carry on with your trip.

You are never required to attend a funeral, even if there will be harsh judgement from some if you do not. Judgement from others is not a good reason to do or not do things.

The fact that your vacation might be "expensive" should not be part of your decision. That sounds like you are putting a monetary value on your mother's importance in your life.

Your decision about attending (what about arranging?) a,funeral should be made independently of the cost of your trip.

Even if your mom was 100% with it and active, would you come home for the funeral? There's a lot of self-judgment around caregiving. You do your best.

I have health conditions myself and some of the vacations we are planning, even those of only a few days, could risk my health by not being really near a hospital. I just make that judgement, how much do I want to go and what is the risk?

The only one who decides if you are a bad "child" is you. Do your best and don't make decisions you would regret, BUT, realize when you would regret EITHER decision (to go on your trip or nor, to return if she passes or not). And NFN, if she does pass, someone will need to be executor. It is very much worthwhile to have a friend local to your mom or talk to a lawyer if you need to deal with such a situation remotely. We all need time to heal *ourselves*, especially caregivers.

It wouldn't hurt to go see her before your trip, even though you say she doesn't know any of you now. That visit, like attending a funeral is more for YOU than for her. As several noted, funerals are really more for the living. My mother used to say "If you can't be bothered to come see me now, don't bother when I'm dead!" It is one of the few things we agreed on!!!

You also indicate she's in good heath. Even with dementia, it isn't likely she's going to pass, though it could happen. Should we put our lives on hold because "something" might happen? My mother was in relatively good health and was well into year 4 in MC. Her recent memories were gone, but she was living life about 40+ years ago, so she still knew who I was. The virus cut into visits but based on reaction to a pic a staff member took when I was delivering supplies, she was still aware of who I was. She had a stroke around Labor Day, but refused transport (not even clear what they would/could do for her anyway!) and I honored her wishes. The MC nurse brought in OT/PT to see if they could help her eat and help pivoting (dominant side was affected and she was already in a wheelchair.) Sadly another stroke finished her off, but it was about 2.5 months later. There is no way to know when someone might pass. IF she were very ill and clearly not long for this world, that would be a different story.

Even if she didn't have dementia, death can happen anytime, at any age, expected or not. If she didn't have dementia and was just 90 in good health, would you delay/cancel this trip?

Both my parents were cremated. Dad's interment was delayed (passed in Nov, ashes buried late Jan - it's a military cemetery, so we have to work with their schedule.) There were several of my cousins, dad's YB, my YB, mom and that's about it. We had no big hoopla. One cousin invited us to their house after the service, but being about 2 hrs away, we (daughter, SIL and me) went home after (I was about to return to work after about 10 months medical recovery too.) OB, who isn't local, didn't bother to attend.

Mom passed mid-December and I requested delay in interment of her ashes with dad's until the weather was nicer. I live a bit further away now, and didn't want to deal with winter storms. By this time, many of those who attended were no longer with us (mom was 97.) Two cousins (one from each side), my YB, my two kids was it. YB's kids (both in their 20s) didn't attend and OB didn't either.

It's really up to you. Will some tongues wag if she passed and you didn't/couldn't attend her funeral? Maybe. Talk is cheap. Were they there for her while she was living? For those who want to talk trash about me, have at it. I do what I feel is right and can sleep okay knowing I did what was best given the circumstances. I don't need someone else's approval for my decisions. Sure, you could delay your trip and mom could live another 10 years. By then, you might not be able to make that trip. Go see her now if that would make you feel better and take the trip.

Funerals mean different things to different people.
Personally, I think it is better to be there for someone when they are alive. When they are dead, they are gone the moment to be there for them has passed.
I would suggest planning a great day for your mum and spending it with her. Make a meaningful memory before you go. Even though she doesn't remember you, leave nothing unsaid and leave her smiling. She may still be here when you get home though!

From a personal experience I was unable to be with my mom at the end due to Covid and I cannot stop thinking about not being able to be there. The only thing I could do was to identify her body from a picture sent to me on the computer.

Go and visit. Tell her you love her. Then go on your vacation as planned.
I am from a close-knit family. Our mom passed away on the first day of summer vacation for my grandchildren. Neither of my sisters was able to be there when she died because her final decline was so quick, but both had been able to visit since Covid restrictions eased, and after my mom was on hospice.
Everyone had vacations planned. We delayed the funeral on purpose until my sister took her vacation. Because of that, everyone was able to attend. We would not have delayed it for my mom's grandchildren, but would not have been upset if they decided to go on a long-planned vacation instead of the funeral.
Because of my mom's age and condition, there were few mourners at the funeral, but I figure there must have been quite a party up in heaven.

My mom will be buried in another state, I’m not going. My goodbyes will have been said.

Yes, say your goodbyes and enjoy your trip.

When my maternal grandmother was “close” to death but still coherent, my mother and I flew 500 miles to see her and say our goodbyes. It was, of course bitter sweet. My grandmother was a very important person in my life.

I have zero regrets in doing this. It was well worth all the time, energy and effort involved. Even though we did not see her for lengthy periods of time it helped give mom and I closure when grandmother passed.

That's really something you can only answer for yourself.

I feel.people should visit, send cards and flowers while a person is alive and can enjoy it instead of doing it when their dead and no nothing.
If one or the other parent dies, you are really going back out of Respect and to console the other living parent.

But, if neither parent knows you or their spouse, then they wouldn't miss you not being there.

Of course you might here talk about how awful you are for not showing up but if talk doesn't bother you then that's nothing to worry about.

I would say if your choice is seeing them before they die or after the by all means see your loved ones before they die.

Who knows, they may not die while your on vacation and then you can see them before and after you go.

What it comes down to is you and your decision alone. I personally could never leave, but that's me. Alaska will still be there.

Whatever you decide that you will have peace with is your choice, nobody else's.

If your Mom is in good health & well taken care of- go on your trip!
Who knows when one will pass- she could live another few yrs.You could have in place with the funeral home to have your Mom cremated & have a service with your siblings when you return from your trip!
Just my thoughts!

My father dealt with this when I was due with his first grandchild and his Mama had brain cancer. He spent the day with her in Alabama before he left to travel to where I was in Texas. He also talked with his Daddy who encouraged him to go. He left and she died the Sunday before I gave birth on Thursday. My father did not go back even though his company offered to fly him back for the funeral that was on Friday. He had already said his goodbyes and stayed in Texas to be with his new granddaughter. My uncle who had to handle all of the funeral stuff was angry with my Dad until a few years later he became a grandfather for the first time. Then he told my Dad he was sorry for how he had acted because now he understood why my father had stayed in Texas.
I tell you all of this to explain that if I was in your place, I would go after doing whatever you think you should do for your Mom in case she does die while you're gone (see her, hug her, bring her a favorite food). In the end, you must make the decision that is best for yourself so when you look in the mirror you are ok with yourself. Hugs.