Is it ok to not come home for a funeral if away on an expensive vacation (parent is 90 and no memory)? Can I say goodbye before I leave?

It has to be 'okay' with YOU not to attend your mother's funeral if she were to pass while you were on vacation. That's the only thing that matters. If you're comfortable making that decision, then go for it.

When my DH & I travel, we always purchase travel insurance so if need be, we can either cancel the trip or cut it short for an emergency & get reimbursed for the cost.

Good luck to you, whatever you choose to do, and have fun in Alaska!

I've been to at least one funeral where a key person (or two) wasn't there. I chalked it up to being none of my business why so-and-so didn't come and I didn't form a theory on why they weren't there, didn't gossip, etc. Others may judge. Ignore it. People have all kinds of valid reasons why they do or don't attend certain things. Enjoy your trip. My daughter's good friend just returned from Alaska and loved it.

Your mom has lived her life and is now approaching the end of her life. As long as you love your mom and your heart is right concerning her, either decision would be the right one for you. You still have a lot of life left and should enjoy it to the fullest. If you say goodbye to your mom before you vacate, that's fine. If you stick around until she goes home to the Lord, that's fine as well. God is her maker and keeper, not you. HE didn't create you to hold up your life for anyone else .... HE just requires that we love them. Whatever and however you interpret that love is how you should conduct your life.

Follow your heart and it will be OKAY.

No one can decide this for you, this is a completely solo decision. You will be the one that has to live with it for the remainder of your life, regardless of what anyone else thinks, does or says.

Enjoy your trip to Alaska!

When my Granny was in the last stages of Chronic Leukemia, Mum had been planning a 6 week trip to India for over a year. They sat down to talk and Granny told Mum to go on the trip.

Granny started to decline and on Boxing Day was admitted to hospital She was in the ICU and because she was dying, family were allowed to visit.

This was in December 1992, the internet and email barely existed.

There was an uprising in India and Mum and SD decided it was safer for them to return to Canada early. Mum left a message on the house phone, I was at the hospital, no cell phones for us back then either.

So Mum was returning home, but did not know Granny was in ICU.

We managed to arrange to get Mum on a connecting flight back home and she saw her Mum 5 hours before she died. If Mum had stayed in India, she would have been at peace with that too.

Mum's sister lived on the other side of Canada. She decided not to come during Granny's last days, but to come later for the funeral. That was OK too.

So the answer is you have to continue to live your life and feel comfortable with your choices.

Funerals are for the living. You won’t be hurting your mother in any way. You only need to attend in person for the benefit of any living family members, including yourself. Should her passing come when you are on your trip, take a pause and have a quiet day of memorial for yourselves. You can share that online or over the phone with any other family members you may wish to.

You don’t say how imminent her ending might be - my mom (same age as yours) has been telling me she’s going any day, certainly in the next couple weeks, for ten years now. She also knew someone who cut short an expensive trip, paid a fortune to fly home, when that person’s mother passed away unexpectedly. My mother thought that was stupid as they couldn’t do anything for her as she was dead. But my mom is more practical than sentimental. She would rather someone came to see her when she was still alive. Make your choice for you and for her and be at peace with it.

Plan and take your vacation to Alaska. If your mom passes away while you're on the trip, who says the funeral can't be held when you get back? Or a memorial service. Or whatever you and your family were planning for when she does pass.

You should please yourself. Who else's okay do you need?

I'm not sure why you'd want to "say goodbye before I leave," though. Will you be very much surprised if she's still with us when you get back from your expensive vacation?

OK with whom? If it's OK with you, then you’re content with yourself, and that’s all you need to know.

I despise everything about funerals and funeral customs. I think they’re nonsense.

The last family funeral I attended was for someone whom I dearly loved who had wanted no funeral or at least something very VERY simple, with a closed casket.

The opposite occurred. It was Hollywood. I was appalled. BE YOU.

Well, if you're mom is in "good health", why the concern that you would miss her funeral if you went on vacation? When are you planning on this trip?

I will tell you in 2019, my husband and I went on an Alaskan cruise for our 25th anniversary; my mom, who lived with us was declining due to CHF. She (willingly) went into respite while we were away. When I was fretting about possibly cancelling our trip because of her health, she looked at me like I had 12 heads and said "don't be ridiculous! Go on your cruise!". So we went and had a wonderful time, and mom was well looked after in the respite facility. The only thing I did was take out some extra travel insurance, in case she took a turn for the worse and we had to cancel last minute.

Honestly, unless your mom in the active dying phase, I think you should go. There are no certainties in life. You never really know if the last time you see your loved on is going to be the absolute last time you ever see them. My husband has had relatives die suddenly, with no real warning. You can't live - or not live, as were the case - your life based on "what ifs". That's not fair of anyone to expect of any of us. Go, enjoy the trip. If you feel the guilt might get to you, make plans to see mom soon after you get back.

I am going on an 11 day Land/Sea Alaska tour next Summer. It is not cheap with me and DH going. Its a once in a life-time thing and we will be going with extended family. At 72 and 75 it may be the last thing we do together and with family since they live in the South us in the North.

Make your plans. It could work either way. You don't make them and she doesn't pass, You make them and she passes. See her before your trip and tell her goodbye then. Like said, Funerals are for the living. I grieved for my Mom long before her funeral, she suffered from Dementia.

IF Mom dies while you're gone, is there a law that says the funeral can't be when you return?

No one can know when their time is up. With good care, she could live another 10 years. Go on the trip now. Otherwise you are just waiting for her to die and that's no way to live for either of you.

Get travel insurance just in case and go on the trip. Funerals are for the living and a funeral can wait until you get back.

When I face these kinds of decisions, I think of what I would tell my own children. I would tell my children to go on the trip and have fun. I would not ask them to put their lives on hold for an unknown number of years.

Is it ok? Yes.
Say goodbye early? Yes.

As long as in your heart you are ok with that & don't expect to go down the guilt road later.

I was given a blessing many years ago to go, live my life, goodbye if I am gone by the time you return. I was blessed to see her smiling face when I returned - but was grateful for the permission.

That same wise lady stopped visiting folk once they lost recognition. She let common sense rule.

Enjoy your trip! Do what you feel is best. You don’t need anyone’s approval. Say goodbye before you go, if that is what you want to do.

If it would bother you to miss the funeral, arrange to have it when you return from Alaska.

I say go on the vacation as you never know what will happen and when. And as far as saying goodbye, I think we should do it on some level every time we see loved ones, especially as they get older. As everyone here says, forget what other people say -- do what feels right for you.

My father died while I was on vacation. I was overseas and got an email that he'd suddenly become ill 2 days after I left and was terminal. By the time I reached someone at home, he had died. No way I could have gotten home in time, and no way my father would have wanted me to try. My consolation was that he had visited me a couple of months before we left (we lived some distance apart) and photos were taken. Those photos took on new meaning when I look at them now and I have NO REGRETS about taking the vacation -- death comes when it comes -- live your life.

If your mom is in good health, why do you need to say goodbye if you’re going on a vacation? Is it the siblings that you don’t talk to that are looking over your mom? That can happen when not everyone participates in their parent’s care. In a nutshell, if you only see her 2-3x a year anyway & she has no memory it sounds like she won’t even notice that you’re gone. Sadly, without being in her life, she may have forgotten you completely.

My grandmother died the day before my parents were to leave on their first vacation in 10 years. Can't prove it but I swear she planned it that way so they would have to cancel. Guess what.....they went on their vacation instead of going to the funeral. I didn't blame them. She ran them ragged and they were just done with it all.

Its up to you whether you want to discuss this with your brother and sister - personally I think as the family sounds to be completely disfunctional regarding each other that you should just carry on with your own life as you have been. If mother doesn't know you - and she certainly won't know if you are at her funeral - and you don't speak to other family members, who's opinion is going to matter to you if you are away at the time. We cannot put our lives on hold on the off chance someone may die - that could happen to anyone- but going forward you may want to consider your relationship with brother and sister and therefore whether you at least inform them you will be away and uncontactable (if that is what you wish) should anything happen to your mother.

I cancelled a nonrefundable vacation due to my father being in hospice. To my surprise, the agent offered a full refund due to the circumstances. I was so grateful!

What is a funeral for? It’s certainly not for the one who died is it? Does not attending cause you to be filled with regret? Does attending make you look like a good daughter to others? Do you get where I’m coming from? In other words what is your intention in being present at a funeral?
if you want to go on your trip, then do so. We can’t plan our lives around all the what if's in the world. And by the way, your life isn’t guaranteed either. None of us know what tomorrow will bring. Covid has proven that if nothing else.

If Mom's death is medically imminent, would you feel better postponing so that you are at her funeral? Would your siblings want or need your support?

I went away for 6 weeks to take care of grandchildren when my daughter expected to be incapacitated. Mom is 94 with dementia. I spoke to brother and sister before leaving, and made it clear that rapid international travel would not be possible in an emergency (it took me 4 days to get there). The funeral home has all of the instructions. If Mom passed, they were to take care of her appropriately, and not wait for me to return. That would mean that I would miss her funeral, but I decided it would be more respectful of Mom to inter her and not wait for what could be weeks.

If you are responsible for making Mom's arrangements, do it before you go. Make sure your siblings are on top of things. (Most of) our parents want us to live our best lives, so do it.

As long as your Alaska trip isn't funded by an inheritance...
Essentially, it all comes down to priorities - what compels you?
If you are 'expected' to be there, then this is a red flag for coercion and guilt complex; if you have any deeper personal feelings, then the value to yourself increases proportionately.
The long term effects of denying your feelings could outlast the trip away.
It's not about the departed, the bereaved, or family obligation - just you, and how you reconcile your emotions.

My father dealt with this when I was due with his first grandchild and his Mama had brain cancer. He spent the day with her in Alabama before he left to travel to where I was in Texas. He also talked with his Daddy who encouraged him to go. He left and she died the Sunday before I gave birth on Thursday. My father did not go back even though his company offered to fly him back for the funeral that was on Friday. He had already said his goodbyes and stayed in Texas to be with his new granddaughter. My uncle who had to handle all of the funeral stuff was angry with my Dad until a few years later he became a grandfather for the first time. Then he told my Dad he was sorry for how he had acted because now he understood why my father had stayed in Texas.
I tell you all of this to explain that if I was in your place, I would go after doing whatever you think you should do for your Mom in case she does die while you're gone (see her, hug her, bring her a favorite food). In the end, you must make the decision that is best for yourself so when you look in the mirror you are ok with yourself. Hugs.

If your Mom is in good health & well taken care of- go on your trip!
Who knows when one will pass- she could live another few yrs.You could have in place with the funeral home to have your Mom cremated & have a service with your siblings when you return from your trip!
Just my thoughts!

What it comes down to is you and your decision alone. I personally could never leave, but that's me. Alaska will still be there.

Whatever you decide that you will have peace with is your choice, nobody else's.

That's really something you can only answer for yourself.

I feel.people should visit, send cards and flowers while a person is alive and can enjoy it instead of doing it when their dead and no nothing.
If one or the other parent dies, you are really going back out of Respect and to console the other living parent.

But, if neither parent knows you or their spouse, then they wouldn't miss you not being there.

Of course you might here talk about how awful you are for not showing up but if talk doesn't bother you then that's nothing to worry about.

I would say if your choice is seeing them before they die or after the by all means see your loved ones before they die.

Who knows, they may not die while your on vacation and then you can see them before and after you go.

Yes, say your goodbyes and enjoy your trip.

When my maternal grandmother was “close” to death but still coherent, my mother and I flew 500 miles to see her and say our goodbyes. It was, of course bitter sweet. My grandmother was a very important person in my life.

I have zero regrets in doing this. It was well worth all the time, energy and effort involved. Even though we did not see her for lengthy periods of time it helped give mom and I closure when grandmother passed.

My mom will be buried in another state, I’m not going. My goodbyes will have been said.

Go and visit. Tell her you love her. Then go on your vacation as planned.
I am from a close-knit family. Our mom passed away on the first day of summer vacation for my grandchildren. Neither of my sisters was able to be there when she died because her final decline was so quick, but both had been able to visit since Covid restrictions eased, and after my mom was on hospice.
Everyone had vacations planned. We delayed the funeral on purpose until my sister took her vacation. Because of that, everyone was able to attend. We would not have delayed it for my mom's grandchildren, but would not have been upset if they decided to go on a long-planned vacation instead of the funeral.
Because of my mom's age and condition, there were few mourners at the funeral, but I figure there must have been quite a party up in heaven.