Is it ok to not come home for a funeral if away on an expensive vacation (parent is 90 and no memory)? Can I say goodbye before I leave?

My grandmother died the day before my parents were to leave on their first vacation in 10 years. Can't prove it but I swear she planned it that way so they would have to cancel. Guess what.....they went on their vacation instead of going to the funeral. I didn't blame them. She ran them ragged and they were just done with it all.

Plan and take your vacation to Alaska. If your mom passes away while you're on the trip, who says the funeral can't be held when you get back? Or a memorial service. Or whatever you and your family were planning for when she does pass.

Funerals are for the living. You won’t be hurting your mother in any way. You only need to attend in person for the benefit of any living family members, including yourself. Should her passing come when you are on your trip, take a pause and have a quiet day of memorial for yourselves. You can share that online or over the phone with any other family members you may wish to.

You don’t say how imminent her ending might be - my mom (same age as yours) has been telling me she’s going any day, certainly in the next couple weeks, for ten years now. She also knew someone who cut short an expensive trip, paid a fortune to fly home, when that person’s mother passed away unexpectedly. My mother thought that was stupid as they couldn’t do anything for her as she was dead. But my mom is more practical than sentimental. She would rather someone came to see her when she was still alive. Make your choice for you and for her and be at peace with it.

OK with whom? If it's OK with you, then you’re content with yourself, and that’s all you need to know.

I despise everything about funerals and funeral customs. I think they’re nonsense.

The last family funeral I attended was for someone whom I dearly loved who had wanted no funeral or at least something very VERY simple, with a closed casket.

The opposite occurred. It was Hollywood. I was appalled. BE YOU.

I am going on an 11 day Land/Sea Alaska tour next Summer. It is not cheap with me and DH going. Its a once in a life-time thing and we will be going with extended family. At 72 and 75 it may be the last thing we do together and with family since they live in the South us in the North.

Make your plans. It could work either way. You don't make them and she doesn't pass, You make them and she passes. See her before your trip and tell her goodbye then. Like said, Funerals are for the living. I grieved for my Mom long before her funeral, she suffered from Dementia.

IF Mom dies while you're gone, is there a law that says the funeral can't be when you return?

No one can know when their time is up. With good care, she could live another 10 years. Go on the trip now. Otherwise you are just waiting for her to die and that's no way to live for either of you.

Get travel insurance just in case and go on the trip. Funerals are for the living and a funeral can wait until you get back.

When I face these kinds of decisions, I think of what I would tell my own children. I would tell my children to go on the trip and have fun. I would not ask them to put their lives on hold for an unknown number of years.

Well, if you're mom is in "good health", why the concern that you would miss her funeral if you went on vacation? When are you planning on this trip?

I will tell you in 2019, my husband and I went on an Alaskan cruise for our 25th anniversary; my mom, who lived with us was declining due to CHF. She (willingly) went into respite while we were away. When I was fretting about possibly cancelling our trip because of her health, she looked at me like I had 12 heads and said "don't be ridiculous! Go on your cruise!". So we went and had a wonderful time, and mom was well looked after in the respite facility. The only thing I did was take out some extra travel insurance, in case she took a turn for the worse and we had to cancel last minute.

Honestly, unless your mom in the active dying phase, I think you should go. There are no certainties in life. You never really know if the last time you see your loved on is going to be the absolute last time you ever see them. My husband has had relatives die suddenly, with no real warning. You can't live - or not live, as were the case - your life based on "what ifs". That's not fair of anyone to expect of any of us. Go, enjoy the trip. If you feel the guilt might get to you, make plans to see mom soon after you get back.

I say go on the vacation as you never know what will happen and when. And as far as saying goodbye, I think we should do it on some level every time we see loved ones, especially as they get older. As everyone here says, forget what other people say -- do what feels right for you.

My father died while I was on vacation. I was overseas and got an email that he'd suddenly become ill 2 days after I left and was terminal. By the time I reached someone at home, he had died. No way I could have gotten home in time, and no way my father would have wanted me to try. My consolation was that he had visited me a couple of months before we left (we lived some distance apart) and photos were taken. Those photos took on new meaning when I look at them now and I have NO REGRETS about taking the vacation -- death comes when it comes -- live your life.

I've been to at least one funeral where a key person (or two) wasn't there. I chalked it up to being none of my business why so-and-so didn't come and I didn't form a theory on why they weren't there, didn't gossip, etc. Others may judge. Ignore it. People have all kinds of valid reasons why they do or don't attend certain things. Enjoy your trip. My daughter's good friend just returned from Alaska and loved it.