Is it fair I have to miss spending Christmas day with my grandchildren because my two sisters won't take care of Mum for the day?

Llama thanks hun its 5:50 am here and I have had precisely 45 minutes sleep tonight (last night - whatever!) Mum wakes me , which is fine - sort of, but she goes straight back to sleep while I don't - Now I am hanging and will probably go to sleep in about 10 minutes but I know she will wake me about 6:30 I NEED SLEEP

Jude: I'm VERY SORRY your mom is being so difficult! Prayers and hugs to you!

Back to the "it isn't fair" thing. You know how you have specific memories that stand out in terms of their life changing value? It was almost 30 years ago yet I remember it as vividly as if it were yesterday - I was crying and carrying on to my mother regarding my fiancé who had recently become my ex fiancé. It was my first real broken heart - I said "but it's just not fair"! Mom replied "Fair? Who ever told you life was going to be fair"?! A few weeks ago mom was having a tantrum about something that had happened at her NH - she cried "It just isn't fair"! Guess what I replied. Christmas however, was a good day.

Glad you had a great day. You deserve. Great you spoke up. No reason everyone can't do their share.

Well Christmas is over thankfully - Christmas day not good next day worse and today I forgot it was Sunday and so Mum didn't get to church - ears now 'sore' from her constant whinging - hoe the hell can a 93 year old sleep on a clothes line yet manage to return to whinging at me every bloody time she wakes up. I swear her brain is in IT terms 'on loop'.

Thank you for all your comments
I would like you all to know that i spent the day with my grand children and had lovely day my son and daughter in law cooked dinner whilst played with the little ones .
It came about as i found out that my two sisters have POA over mum and i made so many demands on them, which left them in a position not to refuse me .Dont get me wrong i love my mum and she gave me her blessing and she went to one of my sisters for the day
i have told them that if they want me to care for mum i want to be payed and want it back dated from the 13 th feb when mum came out of hospital to date that when i get a job mum is not to be left on her own and that they sit with mum when i go want to go out and that i am going on holiday to spain with my partner and they will have to arange between themselfs who stays with mum if they cant do this then i will take them to court to have the POA revoked as i feel they have not got mums best interests at heart

It's your home, you can do what you want. It's not easy being a caregiver especially when the person you are caring for takes a lot of time. Sometimes family just don't understand and can be selfish. Contact your local Area Agency on Aging, your local senior center or your local Commission on Aging, they have programs that can give you a break and provide some in home assistance for you to care for your mom. It's understandable you want to spend special time with your grandchildren. starting a new tradition can be a solution. I have family I no longer see because their behavior over the care of a loved one. You are not alone and I certainly understand your frustration. Your sisters sound like bullies and that type of behavior isn't acceptable. You deserve better, you have taken on the responsibility of caring for your parents, give yourself credit. You do need to take time for yourself, even if it's only for a short time. Ask about a family caregiver support group when you call to ask about in home help for your mom. I'm sorry your family isn't more supportive.

ohJude, I bet it will work wonderful. A long time ago, my great-nieces were little and they were the only grandchildren on both sides of very-upper-middle class families. They got so much for Christmas they couldn't even tear all of the gifts open. The next Thanksgiving we were going to be at my house. I saw a couple of $10.00 Teddy Bears in the supermarket and threw them in the grocery cart. When they came on Thanksgiving, they were thrilled beyond words at the gifts. It was all they got. I had just established a tradition without knowing it. I had found my nitch (even spellcheck can't help me find how to spell this) in their lives.

well in all fairness from other family members.....there are always two sides to the story. my sister chose to make all the decisions for my mother including bringing her home from hospital to (mom's own home) when she was told that mom needed 24/7 care. sister just assumed my sister & I would all be taken equal care of mom. I work 40 hrs per week and watch mom on weekends. my younger sibling works 32 hrs & cares for her disabled son in between & watches mom every open moment she has. my sister has no other obligations to anything else. she had expected us to quit our jobs to help watch mom. this cannot be done and is not going to happen. She makes all the decisions without consulting us & when things go wrong she goes insane. She tells everyone else that she watches mom 24/7 all by herself and that she gets no help from anybody. This is breaking up our family. Mom qualified for Adult Day Care 3 times a week and without our knowledge, my sister refused it because "there were all old people there"---to note: mom is 94 yrs old. She is here own worst enemy. She refuses hired pca care as "it costs money" even though me & my other sister would pay for it. So its a no win situation with her. So please don't assume that other family members are lazy, cruel, bossy or elsewise. There may be other explainable reasons that they step back a little. We are sick of her playing the victim.

Im going to see my only grandson on Christmas day for an hour - it's about all I will get soooooooo we are having a non Christmas Christmas Day which he thinks is wonderful because he will have 2 christmases

Ive never done it before, haven't a clue whether it will work or whether Mum will be confused to hell and back but I will keep you posted

I'm a Grandmother too, and I do understand your wants, but I am just happy to have and to see my Grandies any day on or around Christmas day. The kids don't really care about the specific day, they just want One special day with you! Try to find a common ground, and set aside a day where you all can enjoy each other! Our kids are very busy working, going this way and that way, trying to please all of their Grandparents, so we just go with the flow, and it always seems to work out! Your Grandchildren know that you Love them. Just make it special. That's all that matters!

As I used to tell my children and grandchildren, "Fair? You want Fair? There is one in Pomona in September and one in Indio in February". Of course it isn't fair, so don't depend on them. If you do you are just setting yourself up for failure. Hire someone to grandma sit while you so to your Grandchildren's house. I remember my family was taking a trip and we put my grandmother in a facility (think the dreaded "home") while we were gone. She cried, yelled, hated us, said we wouldn't come back for her. We did it anyway, because my mother had to have a break. We came back and she was happy to see us and behaved well for a couple of weeks. As far as your sister's wanting to put her in a home, does she need to go? Are you just keeping her home out of misplaced guilt? Not everyone gets what they want in life. Don't be a doormat. It is hard not to be when you are used to being one. Maybe some counseling for yourself would help you decide what to do.

You rock, Eddie! Don't hold back.

Stand up to your sisters! Don't let them badger you!

Will Mom really know its Christmas? I really don't understand siblings. Why can't they sit with Mom so u can spend timewith grandkids. You already took care of Dad. When is it their turn. When they complain tell them some help would help. Its not up to ur siblings who lives in Moms house, its Moms. Ask her if its OK. If she can't make that decision, move ur partner in. When something is said, say ur partner is there to help because no one else seems to want to.

You may be able to get a one day care in a local Nursing Home.

No it is not fair and missing time with your young grandchildren is something precious and something you can never recapture. Is it possable for you to hire a caregiver for the day and take Mom and the caregiver with you?

c willie, have you ever felt bullied, or put pressure on you? How do you handle it, when people are down right rude to you, I am just asking for my own personal information, not that I disagree with you I do not

I have realized, life is what we get. It is not right nor fair at times.

My policy is to be the person that is the most helpful, honest, compassionate, and caring, this is aging.care, and I have learned that from many here.

Things are at times never fair, but hold onto the great things, and focus on the positive.

Oh crap! I don't know how I keep doing that! It's an old cut/paste thing that keeps popping up when I spell check! Ignore from the word loneliness up until the word arrogant. I wish we had an edit option!!!

I'll take a straight shooter who tells it truthfully like it is all day long. What I have a problem with is people who unrealistically tippy-toe around the facts, handing me a frosted piece of _____, call it cake and expect me to like it. But worse is the people who tell you exactly how to eat that cake - and in retun only want frosted bs from you. However - and this is a big "however": I once had a worthless boss who's only contribution to my professional development was this pearl of wisdom "people's perceptions are their realities". I thought that's crap! Reality is reality! It took me years to get it - how Loneliness from losing a spouse and friends
Inability to independently manage regular activities of living
Difficulty coping and accepting physical changes of aging
Frustration with ongoing medical problems and increasing number of medications
Social isolation as adult children are engaged in their own lives
Feeling inadequate from inability to continue to work
Boredom from retirement and lack of routine activities
Financial stresses from the loss of regular incomearrogant was I to think MY reality was THE reality?!!! Wasn't my reality just my own perception? I try and try to remember this little lesson when dealing with my bossy brother and my self absorbed mother. As CarlaCB said (more or less) sometimes it's better to get along than to be right. I do draw the line when someone wants to dictate what goes on in my own home as I think everyone should - having a shared parent living there complicates things but ultilmately its your life -compromise when you can but be prepared to act like a Marine when you can't. Oorah!

A female version of Eddie would be nice. We all have a breaking point and it's best if we can stop it before it reaches it. But if you can't it becomes the good guys against the bad guys and remember your on the good guys side. Merry Christmas

Your situation is a issue .our parents are living longer . I'm a retired nurse and I've seen your situation so many times . In fact my husband family is keeping their mom at home after a stroke . It has put a drastic strain on our 25 year old marriage . He only has time to work and take turns spending nights at her house . We have raised all of our children and helped with one grand baby . We should be free to enjoy the rest of our life but we are not . It's six siblings . Only 3 really take on the responsibility of staying . 2 over see her money and bully the ones that's closer to her home . 2 stay out of town and visits when they feel like it but one of them is one of the bullies if . Your sisters have made up their minds for care and that's putting her in a nursing home . It's a hard pill to swallow and it's not that they don't care either because they believe that's what's best for your mum and keeping their life from the stress , worry , frustration and the responsibility that they can't handle . Your mum may not want to go but it may be time for you both to speak with a professional and visit some facities . I don't think your sisters mean to criticize you but to get you to see that it's time for you to live your life and do what's best for everyone .

Countrymouse - regarding the paper tigers: I have at least one of those in my sibling roster too. She doesn't scare me but I have certainly backed off from speaking my mind to her because I've found she cannot hear disagreement, which she perceives as criticism, which she REALLY can't hear. She becomes defensive, nasty, and totally uncooperative. While I know she has no real power, I also know that in order to keep what little cooperation I have from her (or may need in the future), I need to keep things on an even keel with her. So I've given up any attempt at speaking my mind to her, and generally let her have her way just to stave off another major bloody battle!

Eddie,
Way to go! Sometimes it all has to be said. They may have seen it as a psycho moment but if you are being taken advantage of geez they had it coming. Kind suggestions and discussions dont work with siblings that have nothing to offer but excuses as to why they cant/wont helped as agreed.

Rainmom, Countrymouse:

Thanks for understanding. Wringles' post reminded me of when my sisters would drop by on Sundays to gossip with Mom all day long. "This house is a barn" (I was a single father with twin boys on self-destruct mode); "Do you know what a mop is?"; "You should marry one of those guacamole women to cook, clean, and watch your kids. Yeah, one of those that never leaves the house."

Bunch of overfed, trifling troglodites! They'd leave the fridge barren, a pile of dishes, and use up all the toilet paper. In the evening a large pizza with extra cheese and three toppings. Those bloated buffaloes didn't even offer me or the kids a slice. Since I was the "host" I had to pay for everything. "Next Sunday," they said, "we're going to bring fried chicken, potato salad, soda, etc." Seven days later a knock on the door. Only thing they brought -- as usual -- was their mouth. Tried to negotiate, but that didn't work. So I had a psycho moment that scared them s__tless.

"Sundays you're going to pick her up at 10 and bring her back exactly at 10. ... Mother's Day will be at your house(s). Holiday weekends she's all yours. If you don't pick her up I'll drop her off at your doorstep. Is that understood?" In unison, they all screamed "Yes sir!" (I'm a Marine, so I guess that was their way of feebly trying to get back at me.)

To my mother, "Forget about the guacamole b__ch they told me to get. Housecleaning is going to be your responsibility from now on. ... It's about time you started pulling your own weight. Is that clear?" She nodded. "Sorry, I didn't hear you." Whimpering, she said "Esta bien, esta bien. ... Dios mio, que pasa con este muchacho?" I said "I dropped my cojones (b__s) the day you moved in. ... Just found them."

I loved it, too; but it caught me at a time when I too am having to retrain myself about interacting with siblings, so I know it's not that simple (I know you know that, Eddie, I'm not having a go at you).

I'm trying to teach myself that overbearing/domineering/bullying siblings are only paper tigers - what, really, can they do? Who made them your boss? The trouble is, when it comes to confrontation on specific issues or in real-life situations, those paper tigers are still genuinely scary. And getting over the life-long habit of giving in to their expectations is very hard, very stressful work.

But, Wringles, if you want anything to change, you have to start somewhere. Please say a little more about how your situation came to be?

Eddie - I was sorry to see you be sorry for your original post - I loved it!

Sh___!

Sorry, I don't know what possessed me. But I can't take it back. I just get so frustrated when I hear about lazy, inconsiderate sibs who don't do squat to help and walk around giving orders like the world owes them a living.