Is it fair I have to miss spending Christmas day with my grandchildren because my two sisters won't take care of Mum for the day?

You didn't miss it yet, today is only December 17th. Focus on your own children and grandchildren. Let them do the same. Consider that your mom probably can't handle all the noise and confusion when three generations get together. Want all you have, because you can't always have what you want.

Who's in charge? If you have the authority to run the household, then set up the schedule for Christmas the way you think is fair. Bring the grandkids to your house with your mum for Christmas day. If that's not possible, then arrange for care for your mum for the day so you can visit with your grandkids. Have a Christmas celebration with mum the day before Christmas. You can open gifts, have nice meal, etc.

Is there a facility or family where she can stay for the day so you can visit with your grandkids? Explain that you are alternating years of celebrating with your mom on Christmas day and Christmas Eve. If siblings want to help, great. If not, then let them keep quiet.

Is mom aware of what is going on?

It sounds like there are two issues here.
1. Wanting to spend Christmas with your grandchildren
2. Feeling resentful that mom's care falls to you.

1. Arrange for your sisters to spend Christmas eve or Dec 26th to with mom. Start a new family tradition of that being your special day with your grandkids.

2. Start looking around for good facilities for mom. "They don't want" and "mom doesn't want"? Slavery was abolished a long time ago. Your mother needs care. Not necessarily your hands on care. You've done your share.

I can relate to the OP's problem, but I'm on the other side of it. Is it fair that I have to spend every Christmas with my mother because my sister always spends it with her grandkids (and my other sister spends it alone with her husband)? We all do get together for Christmas Eve, but then there's Christmas Day. It saddens me to think of my mother all alone on Christmas Day with no visitors and a microwave dinner. So I made a dinner for her last Christmas, and I already told her I'd do it again this Christmas. My sisters don't care enough to do it, that's the bottom line. Apparently I care more about her feelings than they do. It's hard to accept but that's the reality. So I'm doing it.

What I don't get is why you are allowing yourself to be bullied by your sisters. You're not allowed to live with your partner? They don't help but feel free to criticize while you give up your life caring for both your parents... why do you pay attention to anything they have to say?
I think it is time to pretend you are an only child and act accordingly, make arrangements for caregivers for your mum so you can have time off. It may be too late for christmas, but make it your new year's resolution to be more assertive about your needs.

The last sentence was important. wringles, did your sisters want your mother to go to a home and you offered to help her at home? That would explain their actions toward you. Tell us a bit more about your situation.

Arrange for a caregiver whatever day you want to be with your grandchildren. Holidays are a higher fee as caregivers want to be with their families too. If you do not make the change now, it will not happen the way you want next year either. The caregiving charge should be paid by mom. Does she have the resources? If not tell sissies they will have to split the cost.

I went through what you are and until YOU change it nothing will happen. Next year maybe mom should be in a community, then you will not have to deal with it at all. My mom was moved earlier this year. My sissies wanted to have mom to their homes for holidays. I would not let that happen as my mom's confusion then agitation increased when in their homes with many more people than she was accustomed to. Sissies thought I was trying to control mom and them. They found out differently this year when facility did not want mom to go out because of behavior issues that are a major part of her life.

Christmas does not have to have all celebrations occur on Dec. 25! Make a special plan to celebrate with your mom a few days before or after. Do a FaceTime or Skype call with her so she can watch the grandkids open gifts if this is possible. If not, let her know you will take videos of the gift opening and also have family record for her special video greetings -and tell her you will be sharing these with her ( if you see her after the 25th).
You will have more to give back to her if you don't set yourself up with such disappointments which build resentments. Also who knows what grandchildren may be thinking about why they are not being important enough for you to be with them? Kids are very egocentric because that is how they are developmentally wired and they may think it is something lacking in them that keeps you away! Yikes....
Hope these thoughts have been helpful.

What country do you live in, Wringles?

Here's my suggestion: STOP TAKING S___ FROM YOUR SISTERS AND LETTING THEM RUN YOUR LIFE!

Bring your partner back too. No reason why Cinderella should live in a love-less convent. I'm sure your Mom would be ecstatic to have him around too.

You're not a servant, and you're certainly no one's doormat. So stop behaving like one.

Sorry, I don't know what possessed me. But I can't take it back. I just get so frustrated when I hear about lazy, inconsiderate sibs who don't do squat to help and walk around giving orders like the world owes them a living.

Sh___!

Eddie - I was sorry to see you be sorry for your original post - I loved it!

I loved it, too; but it caught me at a time when I too am having to retrain myself about interacting with siblings, so I know it's not that simple (I know you know that, Eddie, I'm not having a go at you).

I'm trying to teach myself that overbearing/domineering/bullying siblings are only paper tigers - what, really, can they do? Who made them your boss? The trouble is, when it comes to confrontation on specific issues or in real-life situations, those paper tigers are still genuinely scary. And getting over the life-long habit of giving in to their expectations is very hard, very stressful work.

But, Wringles, if you want anything to change, you have to start somewhere. Please say a little more about how your situation came to be?

Rainmom, Countrymouse:

Thanks for understanding. Wringles' post reminded me of when my sisters would drop by on Sundays to gossip with Mom all day long. "This house is a barn" (I was a single father with twin boys on self-destruct mode); "Do you know what a mop is?"; "You should marry one of those guacamole women to cook, clean, and watch your kids. Yeah, one of those that never leaves the house."

Bunch of overfed, trifling troglodites! They'd leave the fridge barren, a pile of dishes, and use up all the toilet paper. In the evening a large pizza with extra cheese and three toppings. Those bloated buffaloes didn't even offer me or the kids a slice. Since I was the "host" I had to pay for everything. "Next Sunday," they said, "we're going to bring fried chicken, potato salad, soda, etc." Seven days later a knock on the door. Only thing they brought -- as usual -- was their mouth. Tried to negotiate, but that didn't work. So I had a psycho moment that scared them s__tless.

"Sundays you're going to pick her up at 10 and bring her back exactly at 10. ... Mother's Day will be at your house(s). Holiday weekends she's all yours. If you don't pick her up I'll drop her off at your doorstep. Is that understood?" In unison, they all screamed "Yes sir!" (I'm a Marine, so I guess that was their way of feebly trying to get back at me.)

To my mother, "Forget about the guacamole b__ch they told me to get. Housecleaning is going to be your responsibility from now on. ... It's about time you started pulling your own weight. Is that clear?" She nodded. "Sorry, I didn't hear you." Whimpering, she said "Esta bien, esta bien. ... Dios mio, que pasa con este muchacho?" I said "I dropped my cojones (b__s) the day you moved in. ... Just found them."

Eddie,
Way to go! Sometimes it all has to be said. They may have seen it as a psycho moment but if you are being taken advantage of geez they had it coming. Kind suggestions and discussions dont work with siblings that have nothing to offer but excuses as to why they cant/wont helped as agreed.

Countrymouse - regarding the paper tigers: I have at least one of those in my sibling roster too. She doesn't scare me but I have certainly backed off from speaking my mind to her because I've found she cannot hear disagreement, which she perceives as criticism, which she REALLY can't hear. She becomes defensive, nasty, and totally uncooperative. While I know she has no real power, I also know that in order to keep what little cooperation I have from her (or may need in the future), I need to keep things on an even keel with her. So I've given up any attempt at speaking my mind to her, and generally let her have her way just to stave off another major bloody battle!

Your situation is a issue .our parents are living longer . I'm a retired nurse and I've seen your situation so many times . In fact my husband family is keeping their mom at home after a stroke . It has put a drastic strain on our 25 year old marriage . He only has time to work and take turns spending nights at her house . We have raised all of our children and helped with one grand baby . We should be free to enjoy the rest of our life but we are not . It's six siblings . Only 3 really take on the responsibility of staying . 2 over see her money and bully the ones that's closer to her home . 2 stay out of town and visits when they feel like it but one of them is one of the bullies if . Your sisters have made up their minds for care and that's putting her in a nursing home . It's a hard pill to swallow and it's not that they don't care either because they believe that's what's best for your mum and keeping their life from the stress , worry , frustration and the responsibility that they can't handle . Your mum may not want to go but it may be time for you both to speak with a professional and visit some facities . I don't think your sisters mean to criticize you but to get you to see that it's time for you to live your life and do what's best for everyone .

A female version of Eddie would be nice. We all have a breaking point and it's best if we can stop it before it reaches it. But if you can't it becomes the good guys against the bad guys and remember your on the good guys side. Merry Christmas

I'll take a straight shooter who tells it truthfully like it is all day long. What I have a problem with is people who unrealistically tippy-toe around the facts, handing me a frosted piece of _____, call it cake and expect me to like it. But worse is the people who tell you exactly how to eat that cake - and in retun only want frosted bs from you. However - and this is a big "however": I once had a worthless boss who's only contribution to my professional development was this pearl of wisdom "people's perceptions are their realities". I thought that's crap! Reality is reality! It took me years to get it - how Loneliness from losing a spouse and friends
Inability to independently manage regular activities of living
Difficulty coping and accepting physical changes of aging
Frustration with ongoing medical problems and increasing number of medications
Social isolation as adult children are engaged in their own lives
Feeling inadequate from inability to continue to work
Boredom from retirement and lack of routine activities
Financial stresses from the loss of regular incomearrogant was I to think MY reality was THE reality?!!! Wasn't my reality just my own perception? I try and try to remember this little lesson when dealing with my bossy brother and my self absorbed mother. As CarlaCB said (more or less) sometimes it's better to get along than to be right. I do draw the line when someone wants to dictate what goes on in my own home as I think everyone should - having a shared parent living there complicates things but ultilmately its your life -compromise when you can but be prepared to act like a Marine when you can't. Oorah!

Oh crap! I don't know how I keep doing that! It's an old cut/paste thing that keeps popping up when I spell check! Ignore from the word loneliness up until the word arrogant. I wish we had an edit option!!!

I have realized, life is what we get. It is not right nor fair at times.

My policy is to be the person that is the most helpful, honest, compassionate, and caring, this is aging.care, and I have learned that from many here.

Things are at times never fair, but hold onto the great things, and focus on the positive.

c willie, have you ever felt bullied, or put pressure on you? How do you handle it, when people are down right rude to you, I am just asking for my own personal information, not that I disagree with you I do not

No it is not fair and missing time with your young grandchildren is something precious and something you can never recapture. Is it possable for you to hire a caregiver for the day and take Mom and the caregiver with you?

You may be able to get a one day care in a local Nursing Home.

Will Mom really know its Christmas? I really don't understand siblings. Why can't they sit with Mom so u can spend timewith grandkids. You already took care of Dad. When is it their turn. When they complain tell them some help would help. Its not up to ur siblings who lives in Moms house, its Moms. Ask her if its OK. If she can't make that decision, move ur partner in. When something is said, say ur partner is there to help because no one else seems to want to.

Stand up to your sisters! Don't let them badger you!

You rock, Eddie! Don't hold back.

As I used to tell my children and grandchildren, "Fair? You want Fair? There is one in Pomona in September and one in Indio in February". Of course it isn't fair, so don't depend on them. If you do you are just setting yourself up for failure. Hire someone to grandma sit while you so to your Grandchildren's house. I remember my family was taking a trip and we put my grandmother in a facility (think the dreaded "home") while we were gone. She cried, yelled, hated us, said we wouldn't come back for her. We did it anyway, because my mother had to have a break. We came back and she was happy to see us and behaved well for a couple of weeks. As far as your sister's wanting to put her in a home, does she need to go? Are you just keeping her home out of misplaced guilt? Not everyone gets what they want in life. Don't be a doormat. It is hard not to be when you are used to being one. Maybe some counseling for yourself would help you decide what to do.

I'm a Grandmother too, and I do understand your wants, but I am just happy to have and to see my Grandies any day on or around Christmas day. The kids don't really care about the specific day, they just want One special day with you! Try to find a common ground, and set aside a day where you all can enjoy each other! Our kids are very busy working, going this way and that way, trying to please all of their Grandparents, so we just go with the flow, and it always seems to work out! Your Grandchildren know that you Love them. Just make it special. That's all that matters!