I’m mulling over whether I should try to bring my mother on a family trip (along with her extended family). She lives in assisted living uses a wheelchair and can do a walker for maybe 30 feet. Her mobility is not stable and there are periods where she can’t use the walker at all and needs support getting in and out of the chair. She’s overall very weak and has poor balance. She needs help bathing, dressing, and sometimes transferring in the bathroom. Plus medication management. I’m wondering if we should try to make a trip to a beach house happen for her if we can find an accessible place. As far as managing caregiving, I would set up a schedule with other family members so it’s very clear who is “on” for mom so we can take turns having downtime. She lives near me and I visit her a few times a week, take her to all her appointments, etc. I love her and want to be there for her, but it’s hard to balance with a full time job, young kids, and making time for my own health. I have a tendency to take too much on so I wanted to get opinions. If we find the right place to rent, I would ask the other family members that I only take on one day or two half days with mom and have them split the rest because I need a break. I’m also the only one with young kids that need supervision at the beach and pool. I’ve talked it over with other family members and they seem willing and want to try to make it happen if mom wants to go. I’m comfortable being direct with them and making sure they understand what they will be responsible for. Most have not seen her in years and have not done the hands-on caregiving I did before she moved to AL. Mom loves having an ocean view and spending time with everyone and most likely this would be her last opportunity for a beach trip considering her age, declining health, and the fact that we can only arrange a trip with this group every few years because it’s expensive. Has anyone taken their loved one on a vacation with a similar level of needs? We haven’t brought it up with mom yet because we want to find out if there is an accessible place at the right price and whether we are being realistic before getting her hopes up. If we don’t extend the invitation, the alternative would be the have family spend a weekend to visit her there and at my house.
I really appreciate the input because I wasn’t sure if this is something we should all pull together and make happen. I know how much work it would be, but the others don’t. And I don’t want to strain relationships with family members by setting is all up for a hard week and feeling resentful if they don’t come through. And honestly, we all work hard and need a real vacation. If everything went right (no falls, no surprises) it would still be a stressful experience, probably for mom too. Because I am mom’s day to day person, I tend to put too much pressure on myself to keep her connected with family, the outside world, etc.
Thank you wise folks for the perspective!
If some other family members want "more connection," esecially if they haven't seen her in years, tell them they can come be Mom's day-to-day person for a couple weeks while you and your family take another vacation. Please don't miss anymore time with your own family while you attend to your mom.
It was no vacation for me or the other two family members who went along to help. She was tired and crabby. She insisted that the rest of us were ignoring her because we were walking and she was in the wheelchair being pushed by us and her head wasn't on our level so she couldn't hear. She insisted on this and that, including getting off the ship (not fun when she's in a wheelchair), and she'd get off the ship and immediately demand to be taken back on it after all we'd done to get her off.
Don't count on family. The ones who insist the loudest that they will help are often the ones who quit first. Then you're stuck.
Do not tell Mom your plans, or anyone else, until at least a day before. Tell the facility you will be away and unless an emergency please do not call you. Then tell Mom that you will be away for a week and will call her in the evening to check on her. You will not be available during the day. Do not answer her calls either. If she asks why she was not invited just tell her its just you, hubby and kids. You all need some downtime together to get away from life stresses like your jobs.
No guilt please, your family needs this.
You are contemplating doing this to make yourself feel better, this would be beyond stressful for her as well. Her needs are way beyond the "Let's Travel" phase of life.
"Try" is such a tricky word.
What happens when these family members decide they have "tried" their best, can't take on mom's care for the duration of the vacation and leave it in your hands?
Have any of them "tried" to take some of mom's care out of your hands while you're NOT on vacation?
In your heart of hearts, do you believe them when they say they will "try"?
Leave mom in assisted living, where they can take care of her, go on vacation with your family and enjoy yourself. Leave the guilt at home. You are entitled to some time for yourself.
I felt the same way with bringing my father home on holidays. It was so much work in addition to hosting and having to transport him. Sure 'everyone' wanted him there, but no one wanted to be his transportation or take him to the bathroom. After the last Christmas when I missed out on so much because of him I really considered not bringing him home anymore. The Covid hit and I had a built in excuse.
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