I’m mulling over whether I should try to bring my mother on a family trip (along with her extended family). She lives in assisted living uses a wheelchair and can do a walker for maybe 30 feet. Her mobility is not stable and there are periods where she can’t use the walker at all and needs support getting in and out of the chair. She’s overall very weak and has poor balance. She needs help bathing, dressing, and sometimes transferring in the bathroom. Plus medication management. I’m wondering if we should try to make a trip to a beach house happen for her if we can find an accessible place. As far as managing caregiving, I would set up a schedule with other family members so it’s very clear who is “on” for mom so we can take turns having downtime. She lives near me and I visit her a few times a week, take her to all her appointments, etc. I love her and want to be there for her, but it’s hard to balance with a full time job, young kids, and making time for my own health. I have a tendency to take too much on so I wanted to get opinions. If we find the right place to rent, I would ask the other family members that I only take on one day or two half days with mom and have them split the rest because I need a break. I’m also the only one with young kids that need supervision at the beach and pool. I’ve talked it over with other family members and they seem willing and want to try to make it happen if mom wants to go. I’m comfortable being direct with them and making sure they understand what they will be responsible for. Most have not seen her in years and have not done the hands-on caregiving I did before she moved to AL. Mom loves having an ocean view and spending time with everyone and most likely this would be her last opportunity for a beach trip considering her age, declining health, and the fact that we can only arrange a trip with this group every few years because it’s expensive. Has anyone taken their loved one on a vacation with a similar level of needs? We haven’t brought it up with mom yet because we want to find out if there is an accessible place at the right price and whether we are being realistic before getting her hopes up. If we don’t extend the invitation, the alternative would be the have family spend a weekend to visit her there and at my house.
"Try" is such a tricky word.
What happens when these family members decide they have "tried" their best, can't take on mom's care for the duration of the vacation and leave it in your hands?
Have any of them "tried" to take some of mom's care out of your hands while you're NOT on vacation?
In your heart of hearts, do you believe them when they say they will "try"?
Leave mom in assisted living, where they can take care of her, go on vacation with your family and enjoy yourself. Leave the guilt at home. You are entitled to some time for yourself.
For me, this wouldn't be my choice. But you as an adult having all the information are free to make your own decisions.
It was no vacation for me or the other two family members who went along to help. She was tired and crabby. She insisted that the rest of us were ignoring her because we were walking and she was in the wheelchair being pushed by us and her head wasn't on our level so she couldn't hear. She insisted on this and that, including getting off the ship (not fun when she's in a wheelchair), and she'd get off the ship and immediately demand to be taken back on it after all we'd done to get her off.
Don't count on family. The ones who insist the loudest that they will help are often the ones who quit first. Then you're stuck.
Do not tell Mom your plans, or anyone else, until at least a day before. Tell the facility you will be away and unless an emergency please do not call you. Then tell Mom that you will be away for a week and will call her in the evening to check on her. You will not be available during the day. Do not answer her calls either. If she asks why she was not invited just tell her its just you, hubby and kids. You all need some downtime together to get away from life stresses like your jobs.
No guilt please, your family needs this.
I just read notgoodenough's reply. And it made me think of the saying above. When my Dad passed, the first thing out of my brothers wife was "we all should send her some money every month". "All" included me and 2 brothers. This is the SIL that my kids got their Christmas presents at Easter when they visited. The SIL who I suggested that she send Mom money for Christmas and Birthday and I would take her shopping. No, still kept sending her tops and clothing she would never wear because they weren't my Mom. When cleaning out her bedroom drawers I found said tops in a bottom drawer never worn. Love her dearly, but she would be the last person to send money every month. I told her to lets wait and see. Mom budgets money well and she did OK. Not once did I or my siblings have to give her money other than for Christmas and her birthday. With us, we took her to dinner with us every week and of course paid for hers.
So again, and as everyone else has said, do not take Mom on vacation with you. Just you and your family.
What I foresee is you not getting any time on vacation because you will be caregiving for your mother. And even more than you normally do because she is in ALF. Additionally, she may get very used to being with the family and dig her heels in that she doesn't want to go back to ALF.
I'm not necessarily AGAINST taking her, but I honestly wouldn't expect much help.
When my nephew got married, my SIL and her DH were primary (live in) caregivers for my FIL. We were back up. ALL of us were going to the destination wedding about an 8 hour drive away. FIL kept insisting that he should go...but he was nearly immobile, and wouldn't even be able to navigate to the wedding because it was on a beach (which was only accessible over very high dunes/stairs). Since it was at the beach, housing was also an issue, he couldn't access any of the available housing. (on an island, no hotels, only rental homes, on flooding stilts)
While it would have been potentially beneficial for him to attend in some ways....the cons outweighed the pros. We even asked if they just wanted us to skip the wedding and take care of him at home. We were wanted more in attendance. So we hired caregivers to stay with him and we all went.
I'm not going to say it was perfect. We still had to stay in touch with the caregivers at home but it wasn't 24/7 caregiving. And everyone was only responsible for themselves. So we were all free to enjoy our time away from home.
Had he been there, someone would have had to be assigned to him 24/7 AND someone would have missed the actual wedding to stay with him. It just didn't make any sense to drag him that far away and have him missing everything anyway, and having another family member having to sit out everything to take care of him.
You are contemplating doing this to make yourself feel better, this would be beyond stressful for her as well. Her needs are way beyond the "Let's Travel" phase of life.
I felt the same way with bringing my father home on holidays. It was so much work in addition to hosting and having to transport him. Sure 'everyone' wanted him there, but no one wanted to be his transportation or take him to the bathroom. After the last Christmas when I missed out on so much because of him I really considered not bringing him home anymore. The Covid hit and I had a built in excuse.
I really appreciate the input because I wasn’t sure if this is something we should all pull together and make happen. I know how much work it would be, but the others don’t. And I don’t want to strain relationships with family members by setting is all up for a hard week and feeling resentful if they don’t come through. And honestly, we all work hard and need a real vacation. If everything went right (no falls, no surprises) it would still be a stressful experience, probably for mom too. Because I am mom’s day to day person, I tend to put too much pressure on myself to keep her connected with family, the outside world, etc.
Thank you wise folks for the perspective!
If some other family members want "more connection," esecially if they haven't seen her in years, tell them they can come be Mom's day-to-day person for a couple weeks while you and your family take another vacation. Please don't miss anymore time with your own family while you attend to your mom.
If you answer 'no' to all of these questions, then I say find the handicapped accessible beach house and give it a try if your mother wants to go. She should only go for a couple of days though. Not for the whole trip. Also, hire a private CNA/caregiver for the days your mother will be staying. This person will accompany whoever will be bringing your mother and will help with the journey getting to the beach house. They will also help with transporting her back to her AL facility. It will cost, but worth every penny. I used to take private cases like this when I still worked in the homecare field. Having a CNA staying the days your mother is at the beach house will ensure that everyone (including your mother) can relax and enjoy the trip.
You also make a good suggestion about having family come to visit her at her facility or at your home.
It would be difficult to find an ADA modified beach rental.
Homes elevated as are the beachside restaurant’s, shops, bars. Some coastal AirBnBs / VBROs do put in elevators but usually it’s an switchback style ramp. Done as ramps are cheaper than a real elevator plus no pesky regular inspections that elevators require. Or there is no ramp at all, only stairs. Private home / condo rentals do not have to be at all ADA compliant. They can have a grab bar or two in a bathroom and say it’s “accessible”. But it’s not ADA compliant.
We took him to St George Island for out daughter’s birthday, and stayed in a house with an elevator.
Mostly he and I stayed at the house or took car trips to look at scenery or get supplies.
The two of us have had some fun trips in the last few years, but this trip was not enjoyable for any of us (except when the young folks got away fot the pool, beach or day adventures away from us..
I told the kids that was probably our last vacation with them. No one denied it.
If I am going on vacation the last thing I want to do is be assigned a caregiver time period. I am going on vacay to relax not give someone a bath and change a diaper.
I would think the last place you would want to take a person with mobility problems is a beach.
Is the beach house far from her doctors? What happens if she falls and needs hospitalization? Who is ready to remain in the area to be with mom while she recovers?
go on your vacation but leave mom in the AL where she is cared for, is safe and in a place that she is familiar with and has a routine. (You do not mention dementia but I am guessing that she is on a schedule and a change is any schedule is stressful)
By the way if you really want to do this and bring mom...
Find out how much it would cost to hire a caregiver for the duration of the vacation and split that between all the people going on the vacation. that way mom is with you but no one has to be assigned caregiving duties. And if you all want to go out for a late night dinner and party for a bit mom can stay with the caregiver and you don't have to cut your evening short.