Is anyone in a situation that took care of a parent and now after they passed it is very hard to get through it?

My mom drives me crazy. She moved into my home in 2005. I took care of my mom and dad years before that too.

I am sure I will miss her after she’s gone. I have mixed emotions so I am not the best person to answer this question but I fear that I will struggle. When we become caregivers there can be an unhealthy dependency that occurs. Do you feel this happened with you? I don’t know your circumstances. Please fill us in on what went on to be able to answer your question better.

Sorry you are struggling. How long have you been in therapy? Did you just start or has it been awhile?

Needhelpwithmom, It was very hard to take care of her hard times and sometimes I wanted my life back. But I miss her very much now.I saw her take her last breathe and before she was not able to talk in the hospital she grabbed my hand and kissed it and said I love u. I'm struggling with dreams that she is passing all over again. But some dreams she is healthy just like when she was younger. I've been in therapy since April this year. What I can say to you even tho I don't know your whole situation,is that when your mother passes it feels a part of you isn't the same anymore.And the unconditional love a mother gives you no one else will ever give to u again. I would hold on to that now. Love her,Dont only think about the hard times now.Be thankful she is still here. Bless you

Labour Day just around the corner is a reminder that the year is coming to a close, since your mother died near the end of last year it's only natural that she is in your thoughts as that anniversary draws nearer.

Stressed out,

I can appreciate what you’re saying. I do love mom and I believe she loves me. I believe you will find peace in time. Transitioning times are often the hardest.

Honestly, I am not sure exactly how I feel. I have done therapy and I currently attend a support group for caregivers and while those things help it doesn’t erase the frustration and heartache.

At this point there is no mother/daughter relationship left. It’s caregiver/patient relationship. Know what I mean? My mom
has Parkinson’s disease. It’s progressive. It only gets worse. I hate watching her decline.

I hope I die before I would ever be a burden to my daughters or dependent on anyone. I would never want to live that way.

I know it’s hard for my mom but for her to ignore my request to stop asking me to be a perfectionist like her or constantly worry and listen to her chronic complaints is too much.

My father passed about 18 years ago. After his death I had this specific dream frequently for a few years. He came home for one night and then disappears for months. I look all over the house and ask the family where is dad. I was heartbroken when I woke up to find my dad gone. This particular dream does not occur any longer. I think of my father often, I have sad thoughts and happy thoughts. When I hear a song he liked, I tear up, or laugh about something he did that was funny. I cherish my memories of my dad and miss him so much, but I get comfort knowing I will see him again some day. I hope things get easier for you. Hang on tight to those precious memories of you and your mom. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I cared for 27 years and was fortunate enough I had a good sense of humour when things went wrong. As a result, despite some very difficult times, I treated each day as if it might be the last time I saw them. Now they are gone, my life is emptier without their physical presence to care for - but I wouldn’t want them back - I hated seeing them suffer as they did.
I might sound nuts - but it takes all sorts - I “think talk” to them about issues. Mostly I know what sort of response they would give. But I’m sure they help at times. When travelling I mention about needing a parking space and one always seem to be available. I’m quite sure my mums magic green fingers have saved my few plants - they’ve lasted despite a very hot flat and a person who forgets to water them as often as they should be.
My aunt always kept a photo of her lost ones and admitted she talked to them, as has a friend who is just at the second anniversary of their spouses death, so I’m not the only person who does it.
It is hard unless you take the knowledge of your LO and consider that they are out of pain and maybe their unhindered by pain self is wanting to help you learn how to continue on. A person never truly dies whilst there people who think of them and value the memories. Your mum wouldn’t want you to still feel so lost. Talk to her. Rather than counselling have you considered helping others - by keeping busy and assisting others you may find it a rewarding experience that helps you too.

SO, I would say that she is trying to show you that she is okay, that you see her young and healthy is her way of letting you know that the trauma you suffered by watching her pass is over, her passing led her to her younger healthier self.

By kind to yourself, the 1st year is the hardest, it is full of firsts that keep the pain close to the surface.

May God grant you grieving mercies and strength during this time. Remember the young healthy her that she is now. Hugs!

I had a dream of my brother when he was young and healthy after he died. It brought me peace. I totally agree that she wants you to be at peace.

A counselor once told me that grief is like waves and some of the big waves really knock us down. In time you will be at peace. Are you familiar with the stages of grief? A counselor can explain it to you. That was helpful to me.

It is important to grieve but it isn’t healthy to get stuck in grief or not to allow yourself to grieve. It’s all about balance.

I'm in a similar situation. My Mom, whom I cared for passed in December. It's been so very difficult for me. Sometimes I can barely function. I can't get rid of her things, I know I have to.

You are not alone.

Stressed,

Oh okay. Sorry, forgive me for not addressing those dreams where she was in the hospital and sick.

Wow! That is a puzzle. What did the therapist say about that particular dream? Personally, I would find that dream disturbing just as you do. Gosh, it almost feels like she is reminding you of that time.

You know what? I would pray for her to be at peace. You don’t have to believe as I do. I do feel this way because as a Catholic family we pray for our deceased loved ones. We pray for their souls. I think it is a beautiful thing to do.

Other than prayer, I am not sure what to think. I get it now, as to why you have been troubled. I’m sorry that I didn’t pay close enough attention to that particular dream.

You might want to have a chat to your doctor about PTSD.

The thing is: yes, there's the grief. But when you have cared for your mother as long as you did, and then the end of her life was very difficult, you go into a state of (hard to describe) emotional free fall. You don't have responsibility to anchor you. Nothing seems to have meaning. You revisit every action and decision and question all you did. AND you are mourning her loss.

So you need perhaps something a bit heftier than grief counselling. How are you getting on with restructuring your daily life? Were you making progress there but it's fallen apart, can you not get started, or are you reasonably satisfied with that?

CM,

This is very true. I am afraid of this happening to me. My mom has been in my home since 2005. Before that I took care of both mom and dad and my oldest brother. My dad died in 2002 and my brother in 2013. It’s hard when in goes on for so long.

Taking care of loved ones on this level demands so much of every second of every day that it becomes all of who or what we are. It is much like taking care of an ill child but an illness that never leaves. When it is gone there is a massive vacuum where the things that were done 24/7 are gone. It is worse than empty nest syndrome. Please join grief groups so you will not feel so alone. What you are feeling is absolutely normal. It is not going to be easy to break the habit of taking care of someone else, and to form a habit of taking care of YOU. There is no time limit on this.
Listen to your dreams. Keep a journal. You may awaken terribly upset by a dream, but as you write it down you will see certain words you are writing that have a message for you. I think our dreams are a great gift and they are our "other mind" working out a huge problem. They speak in symbols. Let them help you.

Dear Stressed,

I am so deeply sorry with what you have gone through and continue to go through. 🤗 My mom passed away last June. I feel like I have a heavy rock resting on my chest. My sadness is very deep but I hide it from everyone the best I can. At night I am overwhelmed with thoughts of her last day in the ICU. This is hard! I try to do things that are fun. You see I care for my handicapped brother now and I want to be strong and positive for him.

I haven’t had any dreams yet but my thing is seeing people around town that look just like people I know have passed away. I haven’t seen my mom yet though.

Perhaps your dream is reconciling with yourself. You know your mom has passed you witnessed her death and your brain wants you to think of happy times. Maybe it’s just a balancing act that you have to go through. And soon you will get peace. I don’t know.

Many hugs and prayers sent your way to help your heart heal soon so you can move forward.💐💐🙏

SO, reading your responses I just want to say, Start! Do anything that is repetitive, like volunteering at an animal shelter, same day, same time every week. Grocery shopping, laundry, coffee out, just anything that makes you have to get up and do something. Starting is a big step and you will find where you are going as you move forward.

I know that you have had a difficult trauma with the suddenness of how your mom died and seeing someone on a ventilator is not like on the tv in the least. Do you have any fun pictures of mom? I would try to refresh your minds eye of her by keeping one handy and looking at and remembering her at a happier time. You did the right thing for your mom. Be proud that you helped her in her greatest time of need and know that she is done suffering. Hugs!

I cried almost every day after my dad died. Then I cried almost all day for a very long time after my sister died. I was not a caregiver for either of them. It's my mom who took over my life for 7 years and I know it will crush me when she is gone because there will be so much empty time every day to fill. Not that I don't have plenty to keep me busy. I do, but even though she is in assisted living now she is on my mind most of every day when I'm not actually involved in work or an activity. Being attached to someone so completely will bring deep sorrow when they are no longer there. It is natural to feel lost. Just feel it. Talk about it. Write it all down. The dreams are working through it too. It will eventually get better, but I don't think we will ever be the same after having done this kind of care.

Yes Music helps a lot

I’ve had similar dreams. Mum was at home when the doctor decided that she had had a stroke and that we were to stop giving her meals etc etc. That was a very long week - stayed with her so she was not alone.

Dad was made to walk on a broken hip for 14 days despite my alarm and complaints - that’s how long it took for them to get him X-rayed and find out. It shortened his life and he was in agony right up to the end - I stayed with him though those final days and nights too. .

Whilst the dreams were unpleasant to revisit those events it made me feel relieved when I woke they were no longer suffering like that. I note my dream re my father slowly abated once the coroner hit out at the nursing home which now has very strict regulations to follow and are being monitored.

Have you considered that your mind and mum may be reminding you how bad it was - in the hope that you see she is beyond all that suffering now and learn to be happy for her?

Dont get me wrong - it’s a horrible experience in reality and to keep going through it when needing quality sleep after all that stress is very challenging. But changing your philosophy about why you are getting that dream and involving yourself in something you enjoy, where you meet other kind and friendly people, may enable you to move on eventually with happier memories of your times with your mum .

My thoughts are with you

@Needhelpwithmum lol I’m afraid heaven won’t have room for this “saint” too many quirks and flaws as a human! 🤣 But was blessed with a great sense of humour that sees me through most things. Get bouts of depression but thats life. Just tell myself the depressive times make the good ones seem that much better.🤷‍♂️

I’ve had a couple of times a bit similar to yours. After my first husband walked out on me and our children for a much younger woman, I often dreamed that he was still there. When I woke, I couldn’t work out immediately which was true – both scenarios seemed bizarre. Later on, I cared for my mother at home until her death from cancer, and that was very hard. The images from her last days took a long time to fade. I was helped by going on a six week camping trip with people I had never met, seeing things and hearing things that were quite new. It didn’t solve everything (and I still sometimes dream about my mother), but it made a real break with the bad times. Can you find a way to get away? It really does stop you getting bogged down, much better than talking about it with a counsellor.

Sorry for ur loss friend. It's a real transition for us, when mother dies, & probably changes us forever. Dreams are 'processing' emotions for us, & showing us a need we have.
(It's good to 'get away' & distract yourself from sorrows like others have said), but a daily commitment or project may give more meaning to ur life. I feel the same empty space since mom died, & nobody needs me anymore. That's why I connect with people when I can, (& have projects around the house), until I hopefully find meaning again. Takes time, good luck.

Hi, very concerned about you. It may be that you simply feel lonely & uncared for. (& I know those feelings hurt). It's awful to be too isolated, so please join some senior center group or take a free class (@library). Every effort counts & will help you overcome the despair. Stay in touch if you need more help.

Sympathies for what you are going through. Your whole life has changed, and you no longer have some of the responsibilities that gave your life meaning. Good suggestions to join groups. Try to find activities that will give your life meaning, perhaps volunteering?

You ARE "getting through this". This is what grieving is all about. It's so very true that everyone's process is different, but some things are just what they are. The ebb & flow of emotions, the feeling of being lost, the dreams....it is indeed a process. Knowing that you are NOT lost, not alone, and that your mom loves you is what you need to cling to during those most difficult times. She is with you and will be always. Don't overthink this....let your feelings come, breath in and let them heal you. There is no time limit...no expiration date on grieving.

You are in the grieving process. Every person is different. Because your current situation is stressful, consider going to a counsellor or a grief support group. I really recommend GriefShare, a support group that meets in many places of faith. The folks are all dealing with loss of loved ones and can listen, offer support and suggestions for coping strategies.

When my Gram died, my mom took a year to grieve her. Mom cared for Gram for 7 years in Mom's home. Crying and missing her are expected and a sign of love. Praying that your memories are sweet reminders instead of causing you pain.

I was between jobs when I took care of my mom as she was dying. Once she was gone, I had to help my dad get the house ready to sell and then I had to find a job. Several months later, I was in a work meeting when all of a sudden I couldn't stop crying. It was embarrassing, but I realized I had tamped down a lot of feelings so I could operate in survival mode to get through caregiving and job hunting. Grief isn't linear, and sometimes you cope better than at other times. Twenty-five years later, I still miss my mom and regret that we didn't have more time together. It's hard to realize that I now am older than she was when she passed away, and how much of life she missed. But you do get to a place where it is easier to remember.

After my mother passed, she frequently came to me in dreams along with a girlfriend of mine who passed very young. They always wanted to go shopping and tried to hurry me, lol.

After my father passed 7.5 years after mom, I never saw her again.

I wouldn't worry about it - my father said he'd see my mother standing at the foot of his bed quite frequently and he wished she would talk to him, she at least always told me she wanted to go shopping.

I wondered about my DH after he passed last year - but not a single visit in my dreams.

Crying is therapeutic, so I wouldn't worry about that either. Perhaps you have some things you never told your Mom - try doing that when you're awake. You can go to the cemetery like I did with my mother, or just talk to her. I asked my mother why she never told me things I needed to know to help my father. And I even asked her why she thought it best to stop all medications 6 months earlier but refused to allow me to take her to the doctor to find out if she needed them all. I just talked to her that one day at the cemetery and felt better about it. I miss her and Suzi coming to make me take them shopping, lol.

Next time your mother comes to you, give her an extra hug from me. You don't need a therapist, you just need to relax and accept that sometimes we do get visitations from the other side.

Another commenter recc'd GriefShare and I second that. It did worlds of good for my friend who cared for her mom in the home she and her mom shared for many years; she attended her mom's passing. After my own mom passed in 2015 in a SNF surrounded by family including me, dreams come not as frequently as I'd thought they would. Fifty percent are nightmares, thirty percent are WTF, and twenty percent are good and heartwarming, like a hug from her. I hope your tears help ease the knot of pain inside, because tears helped me.

When somebody loves you they never leave you. Of course you miss her here with you but she is coming to you in dreams. She still loves you. She doesn't want you to be too sad. You will meet her again one day. Talk to her when you want or write her a letter. How wonderful to have good memories of her and to have had a great mother. Not everyone has that. And you were a good daughter. How happy that must have made her.

It sounds like you are going through very normal grieving. Don't push away the sadness and disorientation. You will feel those emotions many times but the pain becomes less intense. Bring your mother into conversations with others who knew her. Not just that you are devastated by her loss, but that " my mother would have loved this movie," or "mother enjoyed these luncheons with you as much as I do."

Don't berate yourself for still feeling.so sad. When our mothers die, we often lose the one best supporter we ever had; the one person who would always stick up for us when things were tough.

There is no "should" on the grieving process. Feel the emotions as often and as long as you need to. As time goes by, memories will begin to bring more smiles and fewer tears.