Is anyone in a situation that took care of a parent and now after they passed it is very hard to get through it?

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I, too, have been going through the same thing.  My beloved mom passed with me at her side in hospice for 14 long, excruciating days and nights.  She died on Christmas Day, 2018 (last Christmas).  I have nightmares about how she died (in tremendous pain) and pray that she knew I was with her. 

I am here if you need to talk/vent.  I understand your pain.  I really do.  You are not alone.

I was my Mom's 24/7 caregiver for 4 1/2 years. She passed away in Jan. 2019. Even though it was expected, it has been very hard for me. I took care of my Mom's needs for 2 decades preceding the massive stroke and resulting severe dementia. I attended grief support sessions for 6 weeks. It was very helpful, but I will always have the loss. I had the option of continuing with the open grief support group, but I haven't returned. I felt that it was too painful to keep explaining my situation to new people. I am planning on returning to the open group next Thursday to give it a try. I received a letter from the hospice company that hit home when they spoke about a second wave of grief. I think I may be experiencing that. The chaplain is going to try to talk with me before I go back to the group.

How is everyone kind of hard week went to a yearly picnic for first time with out my mom was hard.Was thinking of her and felt she was still with me.

Dear stressedout, I'm concerned about you with the upcoming holidays. Hope you won't be alone.
I've suffered lots of lonely holidays since my divorce 8yrs ago,
& I dont want you to do that. It's only Sept, but have a plan so you don't end up like me.

Dear Stressedout  I'm on  this for the first time since my mothers death 1 year ago after 4 yrs of care giving and a lot of shared beautiful moments as well and  just wishing I could go back in time. The grief for me is unending at times and so many secondary losses such as the family home and fall out in the family as well who are emotionally shut off.  I thinks it really is one day or hour at a time when going through a bad spell.  Counselling was a bit of help if they will only Listen !! .. everything today is geared towards " moving on"   ... so sick of clichés about grief and lack of understanding of the bond with an elderly parent as a caregiver. I found  the kindness of  gentle, open people was the best help for me, a lovely massage therapist, slowing down in rest or nature and remembering all the shared time together with your mother, the gift of your care giving which would have made her life so much happier( I believe caregiving  is one of the most important and unrecognised roles in life, something to be very proud to have done ). The emotions are so hard and mixed at times  but I believe that is worth spending time with them as they are bringing up something to heal, the loss of you mother is immense and you commit so much of yourself as well as your time. My role and direction as well is very unclear. I am a bit stronger 1 yr on despite all the tears and loneliness.  I would try out different therapies or counsellors ,,trust your gut , so many people work out of a book , not out of their heart , and its a heart felt response you need when grieving , don't waste your energy if they re not able to respond to where you are. Trust your self and your dreams and feeling it sounds like you are healing the depths of your loss and an ease or a break will come. I hope you find some kindness to help you at the moment. Grief is a long road, Thinking of you with sympathy

Dear Stressedout  I'm on  this for the first time since my mothers death 1 year ago after 4 yrs of care giving and a lot of shared beautiful moments as well and  just wishing I could go back in time. The grief for me is unending at times and so many secondary losses such as the family home and fall out in the family as well who are emotionally shut off.  I thinks it really is one day or hour at a time when going through a bad spell.  Counselling was a bit of help if they will only Listen !! .. everything today is geared towards " moving on"   ... so sick of clichés about grief and lack of understanding of the bond with an elderly parent as a caregiver. I found  the kindness of  gentle, open people was the best help for me, a lovely massage therapist, slowing down in rest or nature and remembering all the shared time together with your mother, the gift of your care giving which would have made her life so much happier( I believe caregiving  is one of the most important and unrecognised roles in life, something to be very proud to have done ). The emotions are so hard and mixed at times  but I believe that is worth spending time with them as they are bringing up something to heal, the loss of you mother is immense and you commit so much of yourself as well as your time. My role and direction as well is very unclear. I am a bit stronger 1 yr on despite all the tears and loneliness.  I would try out different therapies or counsellors ,,trust your gut , so many people work out of a book , not out of their heart , and its a heart felt response you need when grieving , don't waste your energy if they re not able to respond to where you are. Trust your self and your dreams and feeling it sounds like you are healing the depths of your loss and an ease or a break will come. I hope you find some kindness to help you at the moment. Grief is a long road, Thinking of you with sympathy

I'm so sorry for your loss! Your experience only heightens my fear that when my mom dies it'll hit me very hard! She has been in my care for a little over a year but I have always been very close to her. She came to live with me after my dad died and we had to nurse her back to health after a tough 8 years of caring for my dear dad. I sometimes can't sleep thinking about what will happen after she dies (she's 95). It's not always easy, but she was always such a loving mom! I feel I owe her so much and want her last years to be happy ones.

Tiger: Agreed.

It's only been 11 wks since my mother died, but I've had trouble with anger recently, (& staying active helps keep my bp from going up...even more).
No idea what I'm angry about, just so tense & miserable... which isn't my norm.
I heard that's part of grieving, but I don't understand that.
So if you start to feel angry after your sorrow passes, I guess it's just one of the stages we may go through. Just sayin'.

I think it took me about two years after my dear mother passed before I was able to sing again. Everything reminded me of her and I couldn't mention her name without tearing up and getting a lump in my throat. She was 89, and I had either seen or spoken to her almost every day of my life. We were best friends. Regardless of what people tell you, there is no right/wrong way to grieve and no timetable. (My 'other' best friend lost her mother 18 years ago, and she still cries for her sometimes.) I began to wonder if I had a problem and sought answers as you are now doing. I resolved to grieve in my own way. I still to this day see the photos of my Mom and Dad, and say, "Good morning!" to them. I still have a 'tea party' with the pretty china on her birthday and when I'm feeling blue (her photo's there - I don't set a cup for her, LOL). I find myself saying things that she would have said (and even sometimes quote the Bible). I know they are close, and even if it's just a 'feeling,' it doesn't matter. I was lucky to have her for 67 years; she only had her own mother for 19. Now THAT must have been tough!
Know this: You will be fine...because you ALREADY are!

Hi again:) sent a PM with info: stressedout.
Many people say that exercize will lift your spirits, (though it's hard to get started when you feel low.
If you have enough money, get a trainer (temporarily), to get you started. Your mom would want you to take good care of yourself.💟 Every small step is going to help u get momentum, so keep going!

I am sorry for the loss of your mother. Mine passed on three and a half years ago, and I still tear up. I took care of her for for 20 years on and off, the last 2 most of the time she was bedridden in my home on hospice. In addition to her rough demise and death, I still have fallout from the trauma of her decline. I was disappointed in the some of the medical people and nursing homes she went to for rehab causing problems for her .I have trust issues. After she passed peacefully I was grateful she was no longer suffering and here to see the problems of this world. She had a long life and I try to keep that in mind, that the rougher end was a very small part of a bigger thing. Nothing can hurt her now. I am still though dealing with the disappointment in people, including "friends" disappearing during this time. Also, after barely getting my footing back, a year after my mom passed, my SIL who was living with MIL passed, and now my husband is the only one caring for his 89 yr. old mom. She is still independent though memory loss is starting. My plans are once again on hold and I am not getting any younger.
What has helped me is looking at photos of past, happier times. I miss mom a lot, but after her long life, she was 93, at least nothing bad can get her now. I try to think of vacations we took and times she enjoyed her life. You took care of your mom a long time, you were a good care giver to her. Think about what she would want for you for taking such good care of her. My mom told me many times on her deathbed that she wanted me to do things and be happy for all the good care I gave her.

My Sister is still Dealing with Mom's Death, The Pulling the Plug Ordeal and now Dealing with Dad, He and Her have had a falling Out....I don't see Dad Living much longer with Fourth Stage COPD but I know my Sister will Flip out herself, They were very Close.
It won' tbe Easy for awhile But Keep Busy and try and Focus on you. It is hard to move on when you have been this Angel who was there for her.

There is no time limit on grieving. But you may want to help yourself out by taking a low dose anti anxiety med.

My Mom passed away in Jan. 2019. I was her 24/7 caregiver for 4 1/2 years. I took care of her needs daily for the 17 years previous to that. I miss her terribly. Not the Mom that had severe dementia, but the wonderful Mom that I knew all my life. I always feel her presence. I wish I could talk with her and hug her like I used to. I went through 6 weeks of grief support which helped but doesn't alleviate the loss. Many people don't understand when you're close to a parent how great the loss is. Even someone in my support group said that your parents are supposed to die. I talk to her whenever I feel like it. I feel the best when I am in the kitchen cooking because that is where we bonded and spent years cooking together. I have her picture on the kitchen wall. I feel like a part of me died with her and part of her is still with me.

You said you lost your mom at the end of 2018, That is not that long ago. You are still grieving and that is normal. for 5 years your job and life was taking care of your mom. Now suddenly that job is over, your mom is gone and you are now living a whole different life. You are now living a new reality. People grieve at different speeds, There is no right or wrong length of time. Take however much time you need. I am going to suggest you sit down with a pretty piece of stationery and write your mom a letter. Tell her how much you miss her, how much you loved her and how lost you feel. Tell her that her presence in your life meant so much to you and then list some ways you can do some things in your home, church, community, etc. to honor her memory. And begin to do them, If the counselor you are currently seeing does not seem to be helping you, it is alright to seek out a different one. Sometimes to be part of a group counseling session where you are with others who have lost a parent is more helpful as you can help one another and hearing how others are coping with their loss of a parent can often help you in your grief. Good luck dear. It will get better but cut yourself some slack.

As terrible as this may sound and I know it does...there were times when I had wished my mother had passed. She drove me insane so many times and for so many different reasons. She lived with us on and off for many years as she helped watch her grandchildren when they were little. One thing I certainly did not expect was how profoundly I would miss her. She passed in Feb 2018 and I was not with her when she passed. I had asked the nurses to please call me if they felt time was near. I had responsibilities at home but I only lived 20 minutes from the hospital and could be there quickly if need be. My Mom was supposed to be admitted to Hospice the day she passed. I was on my way to the hospital when the Dr called to let me know she had passed. I will never forgive myself for not staying the night before. I will also never forgive myself for saying the things I said to her the days and months before she died. I do talk to her all the time, especially when I go into her room. It still hurts so bad but not as often. It will get better but you truly never get over it. The void, I don't believe, will ever be filled. You just learn to cope a little better as time goes on. I hope everyone here that has such a loss will one day be able to think about their loved one and not feel so much hurt. This truly is a wonderful website and there are great people on here.

Try to locate a grief group meeting. You can try to find one through your counselor, funeral home, online, your head of faith, or through someone who may have attended one. I took care of my mom for over 7 years & she died in July of '18 also. She was my best friend. I have missed her terribly, but because of my faith (& hers) I am at peace as I know that she's whole, no longer in pain, & I will see her again one day. I cherish my memories of her & that helps me when I get sad.

I hated to see my mother like that, it was horrible. I'm not glad she is gone, but I feel better knowing she is at peace. She had a long happy life and that is how I remember her. I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I hope you learn to accept it.

Are you an only child with no one else ?  I would try a psychologist or a psychiatrist since the counseling isn't working.  Also, see if there is a NAMI group in your area.  NAMI is the National Alliance on Mental Illness.  They are a support group, and they offer an extensive training session as well.  Being with people who have similar experiences often times helps because you find out that you aren't alone after all.  I wish you well.

Another thought on grieving and intense emotion is to write things down. Even if journaling does not ordinarily appeal to you, this is a time when writing things out might help you. You can write "to" your mother or about her or just dump out whatever you are feeling. Often, even though you didn't think you had anything to say, once you start putting it on paper, a while lot more comes pouring out than you expected.

You can write about the people who are disappointing you if you want to and explore in writing how you are feeling useless and depressed.

Sharing your feelings with others in a support group or on a forum like this one is a big help, but there may be lots of hours of the day when you need something more. Don't be surprised if you cannot concentrate on "normal" activities or if you have no patience when things are not going smoothly. It's difficult and uncomfortable, but it's normal. The intensity of your despair will soften over time.

It sounds like you are going through very normal grieving. Don't push away the sadness and disorientation. You will feel those emotions many times but the pain becomes less intense. Bring your mother into conversations with others who knew her. Not just that you are devastated by her loss, but that " my mother would have loved this movie," or "mother enjoyed these luncheons with you as much as I do."

Don't berate yourself for still feeling.so sad. When our mothers die, we often lose the one best supporter we ever had; the one person who would always stick up for us when things were tough.

There is no "should" on the grieving process. Feel the emotions as often and as long as you need to. As time goes by, memories will begin to bring more smiles and fewer tears.

When somebody loves you they never leave you. Of course you miss her here with you but she is coming to you in dreams. She still loves you. She doesn't want you to be too sad. You will meet her again one day. Talk to her when you want or write her a letter. How wonderful to have good memories of her and to have had a great mother. Not everyone has that. And you were a good daughter. How happy that must have made her.

Another commenter recc'd GriefShare and I second that. It did worlds of good for my friend who cared for her mom in the home she and her mom shared for many years; she attended her mom's passing. After my own mom passed in 2015 in a SNF surrounded by family including me, dreams come not as frequently as I'd thought they would. Fifty percent are nightmares, thirty percent are WTF, and twenty percent are good and heartwarming, like a hug from her. I hope your tears help ease the knot of pain inside, because tears helped me.

After my mother passed, she frequently came to me in dreams along with a girlfriend of mine who passed very young. They always wanted to go shopping and tried to hurry me, lol.

After my father passed 7.5 years after mom, I never saw her again.

I wouldn't worry about it - my father said he'd see my mother standing at the foot of his bed quite frequently and he wished she would talk to him, she at least always told me she wanted to go shopping.

I wondered about my DH after he passed last year - but not a single visit in my dreams.

Crying is therapeutic, so I wouldn't worry about that either. Perhaps you have some things you never told your Mom - try doing that when you're awake. You can go to the cemetery like I did with my mother, or just talk to her. I asked my mother why she never told me things I needed to know to help my father. And I even asked her why she thought it best to stop all medications 6 months earlier but refused to allow me to take her to the doctor to find out if she needed them all. I just talked to her that one day at the cemetery and felt better about it. I miss her and Suzi coming to make me take them shopping, lol.

Next time your mother comes to you, give her an extra hug from me. You don't need a therapist, you just need to relax and accept that sometimes we do get visitations from the other side.

I was between jobs when I took care of my mom as she was dying. Once she was gone, I had to help my dad get the house ready to sell and then I had to find a job. Several months later, I was in a work meeting when all of a sudden I couldn't stop crying. It was embarrassing, but I realized I had tamped down a lot of feelings so I could operate in survival mode to get through caregiving and job hunting. Grief isn't linear, and sometimes you cope better than at other times. Twenty-five years later, I still miss my mom and regret that we didn't have more time together. It's hard to realize that I now am older than she was when she passed away, and how much of life she missed. But you do get to a place where it is easier to remember.

You are in the grieving process. Every person is different. Because your current situation is stressful, consider going to a counsellor or a grief support group. I really recommend GriefShare, a support group that meets in many places of faith. The folks are all dealing with loss of loved ones and can listen, offer support and suggestions for coping strategies.

When my Gram died, my mom took a year to grieve her. Mom cared for Gram for 7 years in Mom's home. Crying and missing her are expected and a sign of love. Praying that your memories are sweet reminders instead of causing you pain.

You ARE "getting through this". This is what grieving is all about. It's so very true that everyone's process is different, but some things are just what they are. The ebb & flow of emotions, the feeling of being lost, the dreams....it is indeed a process. Knowing that you are NOT lost, not alone, and that your mom loves you is what you need to cling to during those most difficult times. She is with you and will be always. Don't overthink this....let your feelings come, breath in and let them heal you. There is no time limit...no expiration date on grieving.

Sympathies for what you are going through. Your whole life has changed, and you no longer have some of the responsibilities that gave your life meaning. Good suggestions to join groups. Try to find activities that will give your life meaning, perhaps volunteering?

Hi, very concerned about you. It may be that you simply feel lonely & uncared for. (& I know those feelings hurt). It's awful to be too isolated, so please join some senior center group or take a free class (@library). Every effort counts & will help you overcome the despair. Stay in touch if you need more help.