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I was taking care of my mother for almost five years and she passed away end of 2018. It seemed it was getting easier a couple months ago.


But recently I've been dreaming of her every other day and wake up lost. I started to cry over missing her all over again. I don't know how to get through this. Any advice would help? I've talk to a counselor but its not helping.

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My father passed about 18 years ago. After his death I had this specific dream frequently for a few years. He came home for one night and then disappears for months. I look all over the house and ask the family where is dad. I was heartbroken when I woke up to find my dad gone. This particular dream does not occur any longer. I think of my father often, I have sad thoughts and happy thoughts. When I hear a song he liked, I tear up, or laugh about something he did that was funny. I cherish my memories of my dad and miss him so much, but I get comfort knowing I will see him again some day. I hope things get easier for you. Hang on tight to those precious memories of you and your mom. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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NeedHelpWithMom Aug 27, 2019
Beautiful answer. Very sweet.
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You might want to have a chat to your doctor about PTSD.

The thing is: yes, there's the grief. But when you have cared for your mother as long as you did, and then the end of her life was very difficult, you go into a state of (hard to describe) emotional free fall. You don't have responsibility to anchor you. Nothing seems to have meaning. You revisit every action and decision and question all you did. AND you are mourning her loss.

So you need perhaps something a bit heftier than grief counselling. How are you getting on with restructuring your daily life? Were you making progress there but it's fallen apart, can you not get started, or are you reasonably satisfied with that?
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stressedout9603 Aug 28, 2019
Countrymouse I feel that I don't know where to start my life I didn't know it was going to be this way after my mom.cause many times I wanted a life when I was taking care.I don't know where I belong.I dont know what should be next chapter in life.
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I cried almost every day after my dad died. Then I cried almost all day for a very long time after my sister died. I was not a caregiver for either of them. It's my mom who took over my life for 7 years and I know it will crush me when she is gone because there will be so much empty time every day to fill. Not that I don't have plenty to keep me busy. I do, but even though she is in assisted living now she is on my mind most of every day when I'm not actually involved in work or an activity. Being attached to someone so completely will bring deep sorrow when they are no longer there. It is natural to feel lost. Just feel it. Talk about it. Write it all down. The dreams are working through it too. It will eventually get better, but I don't think we will ever be the same after having done this kind of care.
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My Mom passed away in Jan. 2019. I was her 24/7 caregiver for 4 1/2 years. I took care of her needs daily for the 17 years previous to that. I miss her terribly. Not the Mom that had severe dementia, but the wonderful Mom that I knew all my life. I always feel her presence. I wish I could talk with her and hug her like I used to. I went through 6 weeks of grief support which helped but doesn't alleviate the loss. Many people don't understand when you're close to a parent how great the loss is. Even someone in my support group said that your parents are supposed to die. I talk to her whenever I feel like it. I feel the best when I am in the kitchen cooking because that is where we bonded and spent years cooking together. I have her picture on the kitchen wall. I feel like a part of me died with her and part of her is still with me.
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stressedout9603 Aug 31, 2019
John6749,Yes I understand that you also was there for her before the 41\2 yrs I was also there always no matter what when she use to have anxiety attacks when she lived on her own.I also miss the mom that wasn't sick but the mom who was healthy and strong to hug her and say I love u.And it is a great loss and some people don't understand that u lost a parent and a part of you went with her when she took her last breathe.I feel now that it will never be the same. Hugs to you John and everyone on here!!!
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I cared for 27 years and was fortunate enough I had a good sense of humour when things went wrong. As a result, despite some very difficult times, I treated each day as if it might be the last time I saw them. Now they are gone, my life is emptier without their physical presence to care for - but I wouldn’t want them back - I hated seeing them suffer as they did.
I might sound nuts - but it takes all sorts - I “think talk” to them about issues. Mostly I know what sort of response they would give. But I’m sure they help at times. When travelling I mention about needing a parking space and one always seem to be available. I’m quite sure my mums magic green fingers have saved my few plants - they’ve lasted despite a very hot flat and a person who forgets to water them as often as they should be.
My aunt always kept a photo of her lost ones and admitted she talked to them, as has a friend who is just at the second anniversary of their spouses death, so I’m not the only person who does it.
It is hard unless you take the knowledge of your LO and consider that they are out of pain and maybe their unhindered by pain self is wanting to help you learn how to continue on. A person never truly dies whilst there people who think of them and value the memories. Your mum wouldn’t want you to still feel so lost. Talk to her. Rather than counselling have you considered helping others - by keeping busy and assisting others you may find it a rewarding experience that helps you too.
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NeedHelpWithMom Aug 27, 2019
What a sweet answer! You’re an inspiration. I am nowhere near where you were. I have had mom in my home since 2005. Honestly, I don’t know if I could ever be at your level. Geeeez, You are at sainthood level! Saints weren’t perfect though. Many became saints after screwing up and overcoming!
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Dear Stressed,

I am so deeply sorry with what you have gone through and continue to go through. 🤗 My mom passed away last June. I feel like I have a heavy rock resting on my chest. My sadness is very deep but I hide it from everyone the best I can. At night I am overwhelmed with thoughts of her last day in the ICU. This is hard! I try to do things that are fun. You see I care for my handicapped brother now and I want to be strong and positive for him.

I haven’t had any dreams yet but my thing is seeing people around town that look just like people I know have passed away. I haven’t seen my mom yet though.

Perhaps your dream is reconciling with yourself. You know your mom has passed you witnessed her death and your brain wants you to think of happy times. Maybe it’s just a balancing act that you have to go through. And soon you will get peace. I don’t know.

Many hugs and prayers sent your way to help your heart heal soon so you can move forward.💐💐🙏
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stressedout9603 Aug 27, 2019
Newgirl, I feel for your loss.Also the responsibility of taking care of your bro I respect very much. Thank you for understanding I hope we can find peace.
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As terrible as this may sound and I know it does...there were times when I had wished my mother had passed. She drove me insane so many times and for so many different reasons. She lived with us on and off for many years as she helped watch her grandchildren when they were little. One thing I certainly did not expect was how profoundly I would miss her. She passed in Feb 2018 and I was not with her when she passed. I had asked the nurses to please call me if they felt time was near. I had responsibilities at home but I only lived 20 minutes from the hospital and could be there quickly if need be. My Mom was supposed to be admitted to Hospice the day she passed. I was on my way to the hospital when the Dr called to let me know she had passed. I will never forgive myself for not staying the night before. I will also never forgive myself for saying the things I said to her the days and months before she died. I do talk to her all the time, especially when I go into her room. It still hurts so bad but not as often. It will get better but you truly never get over it. The void, I don't believe, will ever be filled. You just learn to cope a little better as time goes on. I hope everyone here that has such a loss will one day be able to think about their loved one and not feel so much hurt. This truly is a wonderful website and there are great people on here.
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Tiger55 Aug 30, 2019
Thank u for sharing, so sorry you're suffering.
Please forgive yourself for saying those things to ur mother. It's only human to have regrets, but let God forgive u. We are all in need of God's mercy, & we cannot earn it... it's only given as a free gift. 💟
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You said you lost your mom at the end of 2018, That is not that long ago. You are still grieving and that is normal. for 5 years your job and life was taking care of your mom. Now suddenly that job is over, your mom is gone and you are now living a whole different life. You are now living a new reality. People grieve at different speeds, There is no right or wrong length of time. Take however much time you need. I am going to suggest you sit down with a pretty piece of stationery and write your mom a letter. Tell her how much you miss her, how much you loved her and how lost you feel. Tell her that her presence in your life meant so much to you and then list some ways you can do some things in your home, church, community, etc. to honor her memory. And begin to do them, If the counselor you are currently seeing does not seem to be helping you, it is alright to seek out a different one. Sometimes to be part of a group counseling session where you are with others who have lost a parent is more helpful as you can help one another and hearing how others are coping with their loss of a parent can often help you in your grief. Good luck dear. It will get better but cut yourself some slack.
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Tiger55 Sep 1, 2019
Love that letterwriting idea Nancy:)
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I am sorry for the loss of your mother. Mine passed on three and a half years ago, and I still tear up. I took care of her for for 20 years on and off, the last 2 most of the time she was bedridden in my home on hospice. In addition to her rough demise and death, I still have fallout from the trauma of her decline. I was disappointed in the some of the medical people and nursing homes she went to for rehab causing problems for her .I have trust issues. After she passed peacefully I was grateful she was no longer suffering and here to see the problems of this world. She had a long life and I try to keep that in mind, that the rougher end was a very small part of a bigger thing. Nothing can hurt her now. I am still though dealing with the disappointment in people, including "friends" disappearing during this time. Also, after barely getting my footing back, a year after my mom passed, my SIL who was living with MIL passed, and now my husband is the only one caring for his 89 yr. old mom. She is still independent though memory loss is starting. My plans are once again on hold and I am not getting any younger.
What has helped me is looking at photos of past, happier times. I miss mom a lot, but after her long life, she was 93, at least nothing bad can get her now. I try to think of vacations we took and times she enjoyed her life. You took care of your mom a long time, you were a good care giver to her. Think about what she would want for you for taking such good care of her. My mom told me many times on her deathbed that she wanted me to do things and be happy for all the good care I gave her.
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Tiger55 Aug 31, 2019
Glad your mom had kind words for you as she prepared to pass.
That's a lovely memory & you're very fortunate! (We don't all have that good ending). Peace 2us all.
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I think it took me about two years after my dear mother passed before I was able to sing again. Everything reminded me of her and I couldn't mention her name without tearing up and getting a lump in my throat. She was 89, and I had either seen or spoken to her almost every day of my life. We were best friends. Regardless of what people tell you, there is no right/wrong way to grieve and no timetable. (My 'other' best friend lost her mother 18 years ago, and she still cries for her sometimes.) I began to wonder if I had a problem and sought answers as you are now doing. I resolved to grieve in my own way. I still to this day see the photos of my Mom and Dad, and say, "Good morning!" to them. I still have a 'tea party' with the pretty china on her birthday and when I'm feeling blue (her photo's there - I don't set a cup for her, LOL). I find myself saying things that she would have said (and even sometimes quote the Bible). I know they are close, and even if it's just a 'feeling,' it doesn't matter. I was lucky to have her for 67 years; she only had her own mother for 19. Now THAT must have been tough!
Know this: You will be fine...because you ALREADY are!
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