I am really sick of talking about this and dealing with my parents and compassionately lying to my dad who has Alzheimer's. They constantly criticize me, even though they wanted me to be POA. I don't want to be the responsible one anymore. I just want to get in my car and drive away. I think it would feel so good to go away.
It doesn’t help to know that 95% of us are 100% burned out. Your feelings are unique to you, but are really very common among caregivers.
Please post, if you care to, with more information and we can try to offer better advice.
No, seriously, sounds like you either have or you're on the way to burnout. This is serious. It will affect your thinking and your health. You have to find a way to get out and enjoy yourself. Think of something you love doing and DO IT. If it means calling a friend or family member to give you time out, do it. Truth is, removing yourself from the environment (if only one day a week) is imperative. What makes you laugh? Do it. God bless you - you are obviously a loving and caring person, but we all have our limits. If you don't take time for yourself, next thing you know you'll become resentful and angry. I'm talking to both of us. You are loved and people do care.
he has posted under discussion
I am definitely fighting depression. It it tough, and I am considering going to see my doctor. I have already got shingles this year from stress, and I don't want to get sicker. I just feel like no matter what I do, it doesn't make anything better. I going to try to make it minute by minute, instead of worrying about tomorrow.
I got through it, albeit with some depression and anger issues after my Mom died, by taking it one day at a time, sometimes one morning or afternoon at a time. I try to do little things for myself as they add up. I think of it as the "bank of me" and even a good cup of coffee and watching birds for a few minutes go into that small "me bank". It helps to keep me going.
She now has a PT person coming twice a week...as far as I am concerned, that's her activity and socialization. No more once a week, draining dinners...it's not worth the drive as I always left on high alert filled with anxiety. She is a very mean, nasty woman...and her verbal abuse has significantly increased.
I am in the process of looking into assisted living. If that doesn't work, then she can pay for in home care.
Once I know that she is completely taken care of one way or another, I am relocating to a place far enough away...and will continue to live the rest of my life. This all sounds horrible...but at the same time, I've put up with this woman's nastiness all of my life (I am her only child and I just turned 61) and I am done.
They don’t have much in assets and I know we’ll be looking at Medicaid . I’ve got an appt with an Elder lawyer to help me plan for them both. I look at it as one way to have to spend a little money and I don’t trust the nursing homes that much and they can’t give much advice anyway . Just want it to be over and done and them both be somewhere safe , not under the same roof with me !
good luck everyone , it’s such guilt sometimes but when you’ve never had a great relationship with someone and you are putting all your extra time to see that they are going to be taken care if and they still are nasty , spiteful, and still never think about your life - you just want to get this done and get away !! God be with us all .
There are some great books out there on dementia and if you are just beginning to deal with it I suggest you do some reading . It helped me understand them both better , made me feel a little better about not being the kind of person that can handle fully taking care of them st home , and gives you an understanding of what the future with them holds .
My mother is very mentally ill and is very difficult
to deal with .. I thank God everyday that I gave him and my church family to help me escape.. Peatera for you to find peace and strength ...
My my mother had been critical all her life of me. But, I forgave her and moved in to take care of her until she passed under my watch.
I know now that I had done my duty as her daughter and I am at peace. Her issues where her issues not mine.
may peace be still for you.
After two years for the stress and with very little help from my brothers, I became very depressed. I spent almost three days thinking through options regarding the situation and trying to predict the outcome of my decision. Finally, it came up in conversation that she wanted to move. I used that as an opportunity to move her.
I have ave no regrets. It was the best thing for me and my marriage at the time. I still see mom twice a week and often take homecooked food.
Call Social Services. Senior Citizen help in your community for advice . Have them come to your home to view the stress level ..
You need help now .
If you are not an only child , hand the house keys and list of duties to your family so they can understand you are done as you leave for a new job where you have your home .
No warning because they won't listen and excuses and accusations will come .
Arguing , lying are not needed if you understand that usually there is no big issue for things they are used to .
Bless you all.
Also, the "compassionate lying" thing. At first, it drove me nuts, too. That's not my preferred way of dealing with things. But I realized it's the best thing for my mother. It relieves her worry about certain things - worry has always eaten her alive - and in most cases, there's no harm done in doing that. Is it that it feels patronizing to you? I felt I was patronizing Mom, but her brain simply can't process like it used to (which, frankly, never was very good). And she's a critical, negative person, too.
I share DPOA with my brother and sister - we all three have a great relationship and there will none of the typical sibling rivalry fights when the time comes to start taking action. That's a help. But I think when you enact POA, there's not much turning back, so only take that step when it's necessary.
In the meantime, there's no harm in running away in your mind... look at websites, order brochures, and plan your ideal relief trip when this is over. Maybe that anticipation and excitement will get you over some hurdles. Good luck to you.
I feel your stress. And hope you can step away for awhile too
As to your description of dad: "he's always had explosive outbursts to my mother..and me..then is fine.", then you say you realize you are pushing his buttons - you may want to rethink that. If he's always done this to both of you, were either of you really pushing buttons? Even if you did, there's really no excuse for that behavior. Verbal/physical/psychological abuse generally leads the abused to think THEY are responsible for this. NO.
Why do I feel this way? My older brother was physically and verbally abusive to me when we were young. After we left the nest, went to college and later went our separate ways, these 'incidents' did not happen since we were not "together". The few times we might get together, it would be a family thing and we were not alone together, but it was not often, so this never came up over the years.
Since moving mom early last year, he has come up (2 day drive) several times to help clearing out the condo. All the other times he was here, he would sometimes get very testy, once threw an empty box at me and was nasty at times, but, like you said, later he was "fine." I did not recognize the pattern during those 'visits', but this last time he not only got very nasty, he physically threw me to the floor twice. Hurt my leg, seriously bruised my ankle. I ordered him out of my house. While packing he kept coming back to yell nasty things at me. Extremely nasty, verbally abusive things. He could not just pack his stuff and go. He should KNOW that I would be mad about being thrown to the floor, but no, he had to get the loudest nastiest words out and blame me! He had another week planned up here, so he stayed at the condo. A few days later he started coming back here with boxes of stuff from mom's - I would NOT answer the door (first time he got to my driveway just ahead of me - didn't realize it was him until he turned in, so I went to a neighbor's house instead. After an hour he was STILL here, so I went to get police escort - they had to take a statement and they wanted me to press charges! I declined saying once he is back home he won't be welcome back, ever. They wanted to call him after coming here and finding him gone. I also declined because I did not want to rile him up, just wanted him to finish his time and GO HOME!) Obviously the returns to my place were 'later' and now he too is 'fine', but I am NOT. I will not allow him in my house (he came several days in a row with stuff, so I asked other brother to tell him to go away as he was sitting here for an hour or more each time! I don't want him in my proximity. Other brother only told him I did not want any more stuff.) At this point I realize this is HIS issue, it never went away, it was just under the surface all this time, so I am DONE. It is who he is. I even made inquiries about other instances - his exwife and daughter, and I think perhaps HE drove the wife away and now know he has had incidents with my niece too. I told her what happened and told her to watch out for herself! Thankfully he does live 2 days away. I have NO plan to reunite or be around him or talk to him ever again! Forgive? Maybe. Forget? Not a chance. And he will never get a chance to do this to me again!
So, if your dad does/has done this explosive thing and then is fine, this is most likely what/who he is. Don't blame yourself.
and we breathe...
Mom trying to figure out how she will manage meds(not done too great before!) and was told she can no longer drive but did anyway. How do I stay away? Do I still go to Drs? I want to just change my name and run. Yes, I am POA, but I would expect her to change that soon. I am only surviving child.