I want my mother-in-law to vacate our premises for 2 weeks, while my family comes to visit. My family has never visited in 6 years.

In the short term, I suggest your Husband contribute towards your family staying elsewhere instead. As a good will gesture.

The bigger, longer term issue is of course, his Mother & her status as a permanent member of your household.

You see MIL as a guest - he as a permanent family member.

This is a marriage issue for you to both work on.

Sorry, but you're way off base here. It IS her home, and she can't be forced to vacate her personal space just because you want to put up someone else for a while, especially for THREE weeks.

Look, she's not a MIL -- she's a peer. There are only 10 years between the two of you, so you're stomping your feet and are resentful that you allowed (by your own admission) someone not that much older than you to move in. I saw exactly the same dynamic between my mother and her stepmother when my grandfather decided to marry a woman only six years older than his daughter.

Do you regret it? Obviously.

Can you just toss her out when you want to have company or permanently? Nope.

As others have said, this is a marriage problem, not a mother-in-law problem. Invite the family to town or to another location, and go on vacation with them. You simply do not have the space to accommodate four extra people at your house.

Maybe you could put your family in YOUR room, and you and hubs sleep on the floor? Bet he'd love that. But after reading all this "my way or the highway" I feel this is a bit more of a vent than someone looking for real answers. And could any of this sell the house stuff actually happen before the family arrives? You say you are 72,, is this strife really worth it? Sounds like the marriage is a bigger issue than the visit,, you just want MIL GONE for good. And hubs from the sound of it. Good luck ahead, really

Two questions:

1) You say "I put down half the money for the house." Who put down the other half? It's kind of weird to me that, after 25 years of marriage, you would say you put down half the money rather than "we" (you and husband) put down half the money. I get husbands and wives having individual bank accounts - I and my husband do - but I consider both accounts to be "our" money, not "his" and "mine".

2) WHY is your husband so adamant about his mother living with you?

Are you in a neighborhood with rules? If not, then rent an RV and park it in your driveway and let you family stay there. They will have their own space. Honestly, if I was traveling with two kids, I wouldn't want to stay in my parent's home. In fact, even traveling with just my husband, I never slept in my parents' home, in spite of their many offers of the two sofa beds. My bil and his family stayed at my in-law's home and it was never a happy arrangement.

Deanbetty - I will admit I am concerned for you and your situation. There are 30 answers here - and for the ones that you responded to - you seem absolutely dead set that your MIL must vacate your home while your family visits - period. No room for discussion.

Unfortunately that is just not realistic. I know I keep responding to this post. I had a terribly contentious relationship with my FIL - just about any of my posts will show that. I understand how hard it is to deal with an aging in-law who is "my way or the highway" and who also (for a while) had adult children who struggled to stand up to him (for varying reasons including childhood abuse and parental narcissism)

But I can say this - the path you are on - digging your heels in and expecting someone with a legal right to live in your home - to leave - not of their own volition - and not of your DH's choosing - to allow you to bring in visitors - is likely not going to end well.

I said this in an earlier post - but if you make an ultimatum - you have to be prepared to follow through on it. So please be careful how you proceed here.

There are lots of suggestions of divorce, eviction, and your own adamant claim that her staying it non-negotiable. Those are all very strong stances and any of them can be very painful in conclusion. Please consider this because once you start down a path it will be difficult to walk it back.

Legally - you asked how you can get rid of her. Eviction is really the only legal route. But you stated that she has an open ended rental agreement. Eviction requires cause in most situations. And the agreement of the homeowner(s) that the person must leave. You are in a bad spot because you are the only homeowner that wants her gone.

You say you don't want her in your house. From what I can see it's your DH's house as well - and he is just as set that he wants her there.

That is why we all keep saying that you have a bigger DH problem than MIL problem. You have made it clear that you don't like her and don't want her there. And that's ok. You have a right to your feelings. But the biggest issue you have right now is that she isn't the biggest problem you have.

DH is in your way. And it doesn't sound like he is moving. How do you intend to make good on your requirement that she vacate if he doesn't back you up?

I think it is very important that you sit down with your DH and explain that your mental health is impacted by her being there. That you think there is a cognitive decline issue. And that you want to speak seriously about the future.

But it has to be independent of the family visit. If you think just getting her out for 3 weeks is the same as getting her out- it's not.

I'll say it again. You have non-negotiable demands, Apparently so does your husband. How do you intend to remediate the disconnect?

See, here is the issue: “The reality is, we can't be in the same house, knowing that this is my house and she is very much an invader. Once you are told to -leave, you become an invador if you fail to do so. My mental health is being greatly affected by her continuous presence in my home. Please help. I will not change my mind about her leaving. She must absolutely vacate that bedroom for three weeks. That is not negotiable.”

This isn’t reality. This is magical thinking on your part. Make an appt with a divorce lawyer for a consultation (usually free) and see what the atty says about how to get out of your half with your dignity intact.

Unless it is way too expensive I like the idea of the Airbnb house rental where you can stay with your family and have a nice visit without your MIL and husband underfoot. To me that would be very stressful given these ongoing arguments. From how you have written your post I am assuming that these are not his children.

No, you can’t make her leave her home. That is honestly terrible of you to suggest that. Sorry but I felt I needed to say it directly. You took her in. You made your home her home and now *she has legal rights*. (And also your husband is against it)

If she wants to go visit her son in Utah, then great. You can’t offer her room to others while she is gone though.

YOUR family needs to stay in a hotel. As an adult, I am NEVER sleeping on a floor. That’s just silly.

Again, YOU allowed your home to be her home for 5 years. Now your home is HER LEGAL RESIDENCE.

Like others have said, you have a marriage problem.

Did the family coming know you don't have room? If so, were they planning on staying in a hotel? Is the idea of them staying with you and MIL going to sons all yours? I will tell you that I have gotten to the point I prefer staying in a hotel instead of someones house. We get up when we want. Meet up to do something together. Eat out together or at their home. Then back to the hotel for a quiet night. Just got back from a 2 night visit with BIL. Just enough.

When it comes to MILs cognitive state, your husband may be protecting her. Its not her fault she has a mental illness but she could be on meds for it. I think out of my MILs 3 sons, my DH handled her the best. She was passive aggressive. With a problem of lying. A good work up would be a good idea. Like said, slip a note to the doctor describing her mental illness.

Someone asked about my MIL's cognitive condition. I don't know if talking to Heavenly beings outloud would constitute a cognitive problem. She predicted her own death 3 years ago, where she asked both my husband and I to drive her in the morning to an E.R. clinic, because on that day, she was going to die. She also predicted my death about 2 years ago. She said my days were counted. I am still here today. Her daughter stopped talking to her, because my MIL had a vision where she was riding a wagon back in the 17th. or 18th. century. Her daughter back then robbed her mother and left her for dead. My MIL felt that it was time for her daughter to pay off that debt, so she called her daughter and demanded 10 thousand dollars on the spot. Her daughter was livid about this demand, and stopped talking to her mother=my MIL. Her daughter died about 2 years ago, not wanting any contact with her mother. Her son also died in his 50's, about 8 years ago, not wanting to talk to his mother. She, my MIL is in constant talks with heavenly beings who tell her things that only she is privy to. More to come.

I don't know what health conditions your MIL has or if dementia is one of them. So there's three ways I'd say how to handle things.

1) If she is well enough and can manage on her own, you tell her plainly that either she vacates your home for two weeks by going to her son in Utah or a hotel. If she refuses then make your language plain and tell her you will have a sheriff serve her with eviction papers and you will throw her things out on the curb if she's not out by the eviction date.

2) If she has health problems and dementia then she gets placed in a nursing home for a two-week respite stay that is covered by Medicare. If there's an active POA in place now, she can be placed whether she agrees to it or not. Then I'd leave her there if I were you.

3) If your husband is admant about keeping her with him and not moving her elsewhere, then tell him you're going to stay with your family and he will soon be hearing from a divorce lawyer.
It's time for him to choose his wife and kids or his mommy.

Even though you seriously dislike your MIL, it's not really reasonable for you to ask her to leave her home for three weeks. When she moved in, your home effectively became her home, though you still share ownership with your spouse. If you've decided she MUST leave, and your husband has decided she WILL stay, then you've come to an unnegotiable end. I guess you could begin an eviction, but it would likely also evict your marriage. Is there a reason why your family can't use a hotel to sleep in during their visit?

You have a husband problem not a MIL problem. MIL lives in your house so she doesn't have to leave for 3 weeks if she doesn't want to. That's the reality of your situation.

Give up your bedroom to your family for 3 weeks and have you and DH sleep in the office.

After the family leaves consider why you want to continue having a marriage with your husband who only seems to care about his mother and not you.

Please realize that as soon as MIL got mail to your house, she was considered a resident, especially any government mail. Its her legal address. You would have to legally evict her to get her out. I think you may have assumed a lot here that her son would want her for 3 weeks. If you approached her the way you say here, she is just burying her heels in and your DH is going along with her.

I would not want my family visiting with this cloud over my house. I would look for a nice rental and all spend time together there. Just tell ur family other arrangements could not have been made for MIL to spend time with son.

It's not who pays the Mortgage on a house who is the owner, its who is on the deed. Yours and Husbands name need to both be on the deed. If you are not, your husband owns the house. All you have in it is the downpayment and money you may have paid towards the mortgage.

Seems husband and MIL are a team. For now, I would just except what u want is not going to happen. Get that rental and have a great time with ur family. Then you and DH need to talk. Time for MIL to find her own place. If he refuses, then u see a lawyer and find out what your options are. Me, I may just divorce him because you don't seem to be #1. I would rather be alone than live with a MIL I could not stand and a husband that does not stand beside me. In the divorce you should get at least half the house even if not in the deed. You can force a sale if DH can't buy u out. I think this is the straw that broke the camels back. You have some big decisions to make but save that for after your families visit. Do not say anything about a divorce till you know where u stand. Get your ducks in a row.

MIL is spot on right. This is HER HOME, and you have made it so. (I can only hope she has a shared living expenses contract, but hearing about hubby, probably not).

You have made your own home the home of your MIL.
This is her home, too now.
As to your relatives visiting, I think you should find a way to share costs of a lovely motel nearby.
Just my own opinion.
There's a price to be paid for every choice we make. You made this MIL's home. You don't get to kick her out because it's your home as well.

As to your Husband putting his MIL ahead of YOU and your wishes to not live with her?
That's a marital problem that is much bigger than this whole visiting family thing.
Get counseling. Consider your options and choose what's best for you. Only you can decide for you. For me, I would have been gone the day she moved in.
I wish you good luck.

have your family stay at local Air b n b ' s.

it doesn't feel / seem right to boot out your mother in law from her home.
This is her home, too.

or if you feel this strongly about your mil, perhaps she needs to move out permanently. Discuss with your husband after you are clear on your own feelings / needs. This certainly 'feels' like a much deeper issue than asking / wanting her to leave for two weeks. it sounds like built up resentment / frustration. understandable or not (from the outside looking in) - you need to deal with it HONESTY... how you feel.

Gena / Touch Matters

This will be a shock but I am coming down on the side of the MIL. You invited her to live with you so this is her home. Telling her to vacate for 3 weeks while your family visits seems over the top to me. Basically you don't have room to host "visitors/family".

Let's change the scenario. Say you live with your new husband and your 19 year old child. His family wants to visit for three weeks and suggests your kid find other accommodations for 3 weeks. Would you find that reasonable?

Yes it was a mistake to have her move in.

bit.ly/3uqLKJ4

I made the above link for you. AirBnB in Santa Fe. ◡̈

Sante Fe has some fabulous short term rental properties. I would rent one of those and have a great time with my family if I were you. Use marital combined cash to pay for it.

You say your family is coming to visit, two parents and two children? Are these your grandchildren?

Is your husband against the visit or just against his mom being asked to leave?

While you mention that all of you are healthy this amount of stress is not good. Perhaps you should see your doctor and see if your blood pressure is normal. You might benefit from a calming med or something for anxiety.

Start over and calm yourself down. This is very important to you but it seems like you have allowed your issues with your DH and MIL to get balled up with the visit.

You need to get your personal life straight before having guests, especially for such a long visit. How long has the MIL lived with you? these are important years for all of you. These issues need to be worked out sooner rather than later. One fall, a stroke or broken hip and then what? Not a healthy environment to live in. I’m sorry you are having such a difficult time.

Why not YOU go visit your family.
Leave your husband to care for his mom.
You do not mention in your profile why MIL is living with you and you do not indicate that she has any medical problems..
While you are away give serious thought to counseling if you want to stay in your marriage. If your husband has this little respect for you and your feelings it might be worth a talk with an attorney.

Honestly you really can't ask a "resident" of your household to "vacate" for 3 weeks. She is a resident legally. I think to get her to leave you would have to legally evict her.
Or the other option would be to place her in a hotel for 3 weeks. And if you are going to do that why don't you go to a hotel for 3 weeks.
If I were going to visit someone I do not think I would feel comfortable accepting the invitation knowing that by my being there someone else was forced out of their room.

I don't interpret this as a caregiving issue. I'm not sure why you bring it to this forum. You have a marriage problem. I suggest consulting a therapist and an attorney.

You've got bigger problems than just where to put MIL during your family's stay.

All due respect - your MIL and DH are the couple here - making decisions independent from you.

That being said - for right now-that is your MIL's home. We share a home with my mom, DH, myself, and our two college aged daughters. At this time my mom is caregiving for my grandmother. And one daughter is away at college (the other attends locally and commutes). When mom and oDD are not home - we allow visitors to use their rooms (with their permission). But if both of them were home - we wouldn't have overnight visitors (unless they were willing to sleep on the couch or blow up bed (aka one of my girls' friends for a sleepover situation) or mom had a friend that was willing to share her room. This is their home and they take precedence over visitors. I'm not booting them out of their rooms.

You have animosity for your MIL. I get that, I really do. I barely tolerated my FIL at best. And I understand why you feel strongly about having your family visit in your home. But the reality is that she does live there. You don't kick people out of their home for someone else to visit.

Why can't your family rent a hotel space (or an AirBnB) and that way you go to them and don't have to deal with your MIL for that timeframe. Win/Win.

You say they are not visitors coming to visit - they are your family. While technically true - do you expect them to cook, clean, do chores? If not - that makes them guests/visitors.

But the reality is that your issue is not your family visiting. You and your DH don't seem to communicate very well. And that's dangerous. At some point your MIL may need outside care. And that's very hard for someone as enmeshed as your DH and MIL. They won't go gently (go read Midkid's nearly 2,000 response post in Discussions - it will open your eyes about situations like this).

You say you want your MIL to vacate (her home) for 2-3 weeks while your family visits. That's not what you want. You want her to leave. Your DH categorically refuses to even discuss it. You have a DH problem as much as you do a MIL problem. That is not just YOUR house. It is also your DH's house - and she feels welcome in his home - she doesn't care if you want her there.

Until you get your DH on side, this is not going to change. And you say it's not negotiable. The reality - it's not negotiable from either side.

You and your DH at in a standoff.

And that's the biggest problem you have right now. Unless you are on the same page - you have a big problem.

On the face of it, it seems quite rude to expect someone who lives with you to vacate the house for visitors. Why can’t they stay at a local hotel since you don’t have room to comfortably accommodate them? But that is not the issue here, you want to evict your MIL entirely.
That is a marriage problem more than a MIL problem, since the disagreement is with your husband. You need to resolve it between the two of you. It is time for counseling. If you can’t agree, file for divorce and sell the house or ask him to buy you out.

I would consult a lawyer over getting a forced sale on this house, probably via separation or divorce, and then let hubs know you’ve done so.

I bet that would wake him up enough to at least get mom out for this visit, during which you also talk to dh about how this is going to be permanent.

Tell us more about your MIL. How old is she? Is she mobile? Does she ever leave the house? Can she still drive? What health problems does she have? What do you do for her – cooking, washing, cleaning? And what about you and your husband – at least ages, and how much care your husband contributes to the household and particularly to MIL.

You may have options short of divorce (like not doing any care), that we could suggest if you can give us more information.

In the short term, it may not be a good idea to link your overall issues with your own family’s visit and MIL vacating the room for them. You may see it as non-negotiable, but you probably can't enforce it. And do you really want to drop your own family into this particular drama - which means they may not enjoy the trip at all! You may do better concentrating on the bigger problem – MIL and your husband.

You agreed to let your MIL live with you. She is now part of the household, whether you like it or not. You have a house with 2 people plus one permanent resident, not 2 people and a visitor. You could ask if she could leave for 2 weeks, but she is completely within reason to stay.

Sounds like you already have your mind made up. Good luck with the counselling sessions.

I'm glad to read that therapy will start soon.

How old is your MIL? Does she have any cognitive/memory or health issues?

Therapy will start soon, mainly for the sole purpose of addressing this problem. Thanks for your insights and possible resolutions.