I want my mother-in-law to vacate our premises for 2 weeks, while my family comes to visit. My family has never visited in 6 years.

Sadly, you don't have a mil problem, you have a marital problem.

You own the home jointly, correct? Then it's as much his as yours.

Yes, inviting her to live with you was an error.

Have you sought therapy to deal with this issues?

It's 2 against one here......your husband and his selfish mother against you, so you lose. Your husband has no respect for you or your family if he's telling you all 4 of them should sleep on the floor of the office! And you must have lost respect for him now, since he's treating you so poorly and refusing to ask his mother to take a trip to see her other son for 3 weeks. Is there no room to compromise here? Is this situation not affecting HIS marriage the way it's affecting YOURS? If you're so unhappy with MIL living in your home, how happy can he be?

See a marriage counselor who may be able to talk you through this. You'll both have to be on the same page about asking MIL to move out for 3 weeks AND to move out permanently. It's not your decision 100% OR his decision 100%. It's a decision you arrive at together, as a team.

If not, sell the house and take your half of the proceeds, or have hubby buy you out, and he and mommy can live together happily ever after while you start a new life.

Best of luck with a difficult situation.

Try Marriage counseling .
If your husband does not come around and he continues to put his mother first and allows her to live in your home ( which is making you miserable ) , go to a divorce lawyer , maybe he/she can help you kick them both out of your house .

So sorry. Good luck.

I’m afraid much of the anger and frustration you feel for your MIL should perhaps be directed at your husband. He created and defends this living arrangement. He doesn’t stick up for you at all. I hope you can arrange a nice vacation with your family in a location away from your home, rent a nice place with a view and let your husband pay for it. Leave him at home with his mommy. Spend the time enjoying the sights with your family and reflecting on how to solve your marriage issues when/if you come home. I wish you peace

Perhaps it’s not OK to want MIL to do a trip to visit her other son – or to insist that her other son accepts her visit. If it’s mixed up with “I have told her numerous times, I don't want her in my house”, then the request gets to be part of a bigger problem.

However it is OK to put MIL up in a hotel for the time you need the extra room. You have a half share in the marriage and in the house, don’t you? Leave the ‘get her out completely’ for another time and another argument.

You are truly at your breaking point. How old is your MIL? Can’t she find an apartment of her own to live permanently? Your situation is sad, and I don’t understand why your MIL isn’t getting the message that you don’t want her in your home. You need to give your husband an ultimatum that he either find an apartment and move his mother there permanently or you will be the one leaving permanently. Your home should be your castle, and living with this animosity of your MIL living there will tear your marriage apart.

Therapy will start soon, mainly for the sole purpose of addressing this problem. Thanks for your insights and possible resolutions.

I'm glad to read that therapy will start soon.

How old is your MIL? Does she have any cognitive/memory or health issues?

You agreed to let your MIL live with you. She is now part of the household, whether you like it or not. You have a house with 2 people plus one permanent resident, not 2 people and a visitor. You could ask if she could leave for 2 weeks, but she is completely within reason to stay.

Sounds like you already have your mind made up. Good luck with the counselling sessions.

Tell us more about your MIL. How old is she? Is she mobile? Does she ever leave the house? Can she still drive? What health problems does she have? What do you do for her – cooking, washing, cleaning? And what about you and your husband – at least ages, and how much care your husband contributes to the household and particularly to MIL.

You may have options short of divorce (like not doing any care), that we could suggest if you can give us more information.

In the short term, it may not be a good idea to link your overall issues with your own family’s visit and MIL vacating the room for them. You may see it as non-negotiable, but you probably can't enforce it. And do you really want to drop your own family into this particular drama - which means they may not enjoy the trip at all! You may do better concentrating on the bigger problem – MIL and your husband.

I would consult a lawyer over getting a forced sale on this house, probably via separation or divorce, and then let hubs know you’ve done so.

I bet that would wake him up enough to at least get mom out for this visit, during which you also talk to dh about how this is going to be permanent.

On the face of it, it seems quite rude to expect someone who lives with you to vacate the house for visitors. Why can’t they stay at a local hotel since you don’t have room to comfortably accommodate them? But that is not the issue here, you want to evict your MIL entirely.
That is a marriage problem more than a MIL problem, since the disagreement is with your husband. You need to resolve it between the two of you. It is time for counseling. If you can’t agree, file for divorce and sell the house or ask him to buy you out.

You've got bigger problems than just where to put MIL during your family's stay.

All due respect - your MIL and DH are the couple here - making decisions independent from you.

That being said - for right now-that is your MIL's home. We share a home with my mom, DH, myself, and our two college aged daughters. At this time my mom is caregiving for my grandmother. And one daughter is away at college (the other attends locally and commutes). When mom and oDD are not home - we allow visitors to use their rooms (with their permission). But if both of them were home - we wouldn't have overnight visitors (unless they were willing to sleep on the couch or blow up bed (aka one of my girls' friends for a sleepover situation) or mom had a friend that was willing to share her room. This is their home and they take precedence over visitors. I'm not booting them out of their rooms.

You have animosity for your MIL. I get that, I really do. I barely tolerated my FIL at best. And I understand why you feel strongly about having your family visit in your home. But the reality is that she does live there. You don't kick people out of their home for someone else to visit.

Why can't your family rent a hotel space (or an AirBnB) and that way you go to them and don't have to deal with your MIL for that timeframe. Win/Win.

You say they are not visitors coming to visit - they are your family. While technically true - do you expect them to cook, clean, do chores? If not - that makes them guests/visitors.

But the reality is that your issue is not your family visiting. You and your DH don't seem to communicate very well. And that's dangerous. At some point your MIL may need outside care. And that's very hard for someone as enmeshed as your DH and MIL. They won't go gently (go read Midkid's nearly 2,000 response post in Discussions - it will open your eyes about situations like this).

You say you want your MIL to vacate (her home) for 2-3 weeks while your family visits. That's not what you want. You want her to leave. Your DH categorically refuses to even discuss it. You have a DH problem as much as you do a MIL problem. That is not just YOUR house. It is also your DH's house - and she feels welcome in his home - she doesn't care if you want her there.

Until you get your DH on side, this is not going to change. And you say it's not negotiable. The reality - it's not negotiable from either side.

You and your DH at in a standoff.

And that's the biggest problem you have right now. Unless you are on the same page - you have a big problem.

I don't interpret this as a caregiving issue. I'm not sure why you bring it to this forum. You have a marriage problem. I suggest consulting a therapist and an attorney.

Why not YOU go visit your family.
Leave your husband to care for his mom.
You do not mention in your profile why MIL is living with you and you do not indicate that she has any medical problems..
While you are away give serious thought to counseling if you want to stay in your marriage. If your husband has this little respect for you and your feelings it might be worth a talk with an attorney.

Honestly you really can't ask a "resident" of your household to "vacate" for 3 weeks. She is a resident legally. I think to get her to leave you would have to legally evict her.
Or the other option would be to place her in a hotel for 3 weeks. And if you are going to do that why don't you go to a hotel for 3 weeks.
If I were going to visit someone I do not think I would feel comfortable accepting the invitation knowing that by my being there someone else was forced out of their room.

You say your family is coming to visit, two parents and two children? Are these your grandchildren?

Is your husband against the visit or just against his mom being asked to leave?

While you mention that all of you are healthy this amount of stress is not good. Perhaps you should see your doctor and see if your blood pressure is normal. You might benefit from a calming med or something for anxiety.

Start over and calm yourself down. This is very important to you but it seems like you have allowed your issues with your DH and MIL to get balled up with the visit.

You need to get your personal life straight before having guests, especially for such a long visit. How long has the MIL lived with you? these are important years for all of you. These issues need to be worked out sooner rather than later. One fall, a stroke or broken hip and then what? Not a healthy environment to live in. I’m sorry you are having such a difficult time.

Sante Fe has some fabulous short term rental properties. I would rent one of those and have a great time with my family if I were you. Use marital combined cash to pay for it.

bit.ly/3uqLKJ4

I made the above link for you. AirBnB in Santa Fe. ◡̈

This will be a shock but I am coming down on the side of the MIL. You invited her to live with you so this is her home. Telling her to vacate for 3 weeks while your family visits seems over the top to me. Basically you don't have room to host "visitors/family".

Let's change the scenario. Say you live with your new husband and your 19 year old child. His family wants to visit for three weeks and suggests your kid find other accommodations for 3 weeks. Would you find that reasonable?

Yes it was a mistake to have her move in.

have your family stay at local Air b n b ' s.

it doesn't feel / seem right to boot out your mother in law from her home.
This is her home, too.

or if you feel this strongly about your mil, perhaps she needs to move out permanently. Discuss with your husband after you are clear on your own feelings / needs. This certainly 'feels' like a much deeper issue than asking / wanting her to leave for two weeks. it sounds like built up resentment / frustration. understandable or not (from the outside looking in) - you need to deal with it HONESTY... how you feel.

Gena / Touch Matters

MIL is spot on right. This is HER HOME, and you have made it so. (I can only hope she has a shared living expenses contract, but hearing about hubby, probably not).

You have made your own home the home of your MIL.
This is her home, too now.
As to your relatives visiting, I think you should find a way to share costs of a lovely motel nearby.
Just my own opinion.
There's a price to be paid for every choice we make. You made this MIL's home. You don't get to kick her out because it's your home as well.

As to your Husband putting his MIL ahead of YOU and your wishes to not live with her?
That's a marital problem that is much bigger than this whole visiting family thing.
Get counseling. Consider your options and choose what's best for you. Only you can decide for you. For me, I would have been gone the day she moved in.
I wish you good luck.

Please realize that as soon as MIL got mail to your house, she was considered a resident, especially any government mail. Its her legal address. You would have to legally evict her to get her out. I think you may have assumed a lot here that her son would want her for 3 weeks. If you approached her the way you say here, she is just burying her heels in and your DH is going along with her.

I would not want my family visiting with this cloud over my house. I would look for a nice rental and all spend time together there. Just tell ur family other arrangements could not have been made for MIL to spend time with son.

It's not who pays the Mortgage on a house who is the owner, its who is on the deed. Yours and Husbands name need to both be on the deed. If you are not, your husband owns the house. All you have in it is the downpayment and money you may have paid towards the mortgage.

Seems husband and MIL are a team. For now, I would just except what u want is not going to happen. Get that rental and have a great time with ur family. Then you and DH need to talk. Time for MIL to find her own place. If he refuses, then u see a lawyer and find out what your options are. Me, I may just divorce him because you don't seem to be #1. I would rather be alone than live with a MIL I could not stand and a husband that does not stand beside me. In the divorce you should get at least half the house even if not in the deed. You can force a sale if DH can't buy u out. I think this is the straw that broke the camels back. You have some big decisions to make but save that for after your families visit. Do not say anything about a divorce till you know where u stand. Get your ducks in a row.

You have a husband problem not a MIL problem. MIL lives in your house so she doesn't have to leave for 3 weeks if she doesn't want to. That's the reality of your situation.

Give up your bedroom to your family for 3 weeks and have you and DH sleep in the office.

After the family leaves consider why you want to continue having a marriage with your husband who only seems to care about his mother and not you.

Even though you seriously dislike your MIL, it's not really reasonable for you to ask her to leave her home for three weeks. When she moved in, your home effectively became her home, though you still share ownership with your spouse. If you've decided she MUST leave, and your husband has decided she WILL stay, then you've come to an unnegotiable end. I guess you could begin an eviction, but it would likely also evict your marriage. Is there a reason why your family can't use a hotel to sleep in during their visit?

I don't know what health conditions your MIL has or if dementia is one of them. So there's three ways I'd say how to handle things.

1) If she is well enough and can manage on her own, you tell her plainly that either she vacates your home for two weeks by going to her son in Utah or a hotel. If she refuses then make your language plain and tell her you will have a sheriff serve her with eviction papers and you will throw her things out on the curb if she's not out by the eviction date.

2) If she has health problems and dementia then she gets placed in a nursing home for a two-week respite stay that is covered by Medicare. If there's an active POA in place now, she can be placed whether she agrees to it or not. Then I'd leave her there if I were you.

3) If your husband is admant about keeping her with him and not moving her elsewhere, then tell him you're going to stay with your family and he will soon be hearing from a divorce lawyer.
It's time for him to choose his wife and kids or his mommy.

Someone asked about my MIL's cognitive condition. I don't know if talking to Heavenly beings outloud would constitute a cognitive problem. She predicted her own death 3 years ago, where she asked both my husband and I to drive her in the morning to an E.R. clinic, because on that day, she was going to die. She also predicted my death about 2 years ago. She said my days were counted. I am still here today. Her daughter stopped talking to her, because my MIL had a vision where she was riding a wagon back in the 17th. or 18th. century. Her daughter back then robbed her mother and left her for dead. My MIL felt that it was time for her daughter to pay off that debt, so she called her daughter and demanded 10 thousand dollars on the spot. Her daughter was livid about this demand, and stopped talking to her mother=my MIL. Her daughter died about 2 years ago, not wanting any contact with her mother. Her son also died in his 50's, about 8 years ago, not wanting to talk to his mother. She, my MIL is in constant talks with heavenly beings who tell her things that only she is privy to. More to come.

Did the family coming know you don't have room? If so, were they planning on staying in a hotel? Is the idea of them staying with you and MIL going to sons all yours? I will tell you that I have gotten to the point I prefer staying in a hotel instead of someones house. We get up when we want. Meet up to do something together. Eat out together or at their home. Then back to the hotel for a quiet night. Just got back from a 2 night visit with BIL. Just enough.

When it comes to MILs cognitive state, your husband may be protecting her. Its not her fault she has a mental illness but she could be on meds for it. I think out of my MILs 3 sons, my DH handled her the best. She was passive aggressive. With a problem of lying. A good work up would be a good idea. Like said, slip a note to the doctor describing her mental illness.

No, you can’t make her leave her home. That is honestly terrible of you to suggest that. Sorry but I felt I needed to say it directly. You took her in. You made your home her home and now *she has legal rights*. (And also your husband is against it)

If she wants to go visit her son in Utah, then great. You can’t offer her room to others while she is gone though.

YOUR family needs to stay in a hotel. As an adult, I am NEVER sleeping on a floor. That’s just silly.

Again, YOU allowed your home to be her home for 5 years. Now your home is HER LEGAL RESIDENCE.

Like others have said, you have a marriage problem.

Unless it is way too expensive I like the idea of the Airbnb house rental where you can stay with your family and have a nice visit without your MIL and husband underfoot. To me that would be very stressful given these ongoing arguments. From how you have written your post I am assuming that these are not his children.

See, here is the issue: “The reality is, we can't be in the same house, knowing that this is my house and she is very much an invader. Once you are told to -leave, you become an invador if you fail to do so. My mental health is being greatly affected by her continuous presence in my home. Please help. I will not change my mind about her leaving. She must absolutely vacate that bedroom for three weeks. That is not negotiable.”

This isn’t reality. This is magical thinking on your part. Make an appt with a divorce lawyer for a consultation (usually free) and see what the atty says about how to get out of your half with your dignity intact.