My mom is 74 years old and has congestive heart failure and COPD. She is also in remission from lung cancer and is on pain medication for herniated discs in her back. She constantly battles edema in her legs and belly and has been in the hospital 8 times last year and 3 times so far this year for respitory failure. The fluid fills her lungs and they have to put her on IV's to help diurese her.
I have been her caregiver for the last 6 years and became her paid caregiver last December. She lives with me in my home with my 2 adult sons. We all have income coming in and don't struggle financially (currently). I'm the person who stays home and cleans and cooks and does the laundry for the family as well as the caregiving responsibilities for my mom. Meds, drs appointments, scheduling home health, bathing, shopping etc.
The problem is that she is very manipulative. She is of sound mind and actually has a masters degree in Social Work. She refuses to get out of her recliner and walk or restrict her fluid intake or put her legs up so help keep the fluid out of her legs. It gradually gets worse until she is so bloated she can't breathe and she crashes. I call the ambulance and they always admit her for at least a week.
Last January my eldest son told me that he was taking me to Las Vegas in June. He purchased my plane ticket and set up all of our accommodations. My mom was released from the hospital at the end of April and I told her she needed to do everything possible to stay healthy because I'm leaving for a week. I suggested putting her in a respite home for the week and she refused. My sister offered to let my mom stay with her and my mom declined saying she doesn't need a babysitter. She is totally expecting my other son to take care of her while I'm gone. Hes ok doing this as long as she is stable. The problem is I feel like she has done everything she could to not be ok. Shes been eating a lot of salty food, drinking more fluids then she should be and not walking at all. Her legs are now huge and swollen and they are on the verge of developing cellulitis. I feel like the moment I leave, she's going to have respitory failure and she knows she hasn't done anything to prevent this. I feel angry because I've told her I'm getting burned out and I need a few days for myself. She just makes statements about how much money I'm going to waste going on a vacation. I need advice. Do I still go? Or should I cancel my vacation? My sister said she will check on my mom while I'm gone.
The first trip away was difficult but it has gotten easier every time we do it. I can't live my life waiting for my mother to die.
Arrange for someone to come into the home (paid if necessary) to help mom and to give you a much needed respite. If mom feels you're spending to much money, ask her to help by not making you find a professional but by cooperating with sister and other son.
Go to Vegas. Leave your phone at home. Son can carry his phone for emergencies. You go 'unplugged' and unplug the pressure cooker within you.
Know this: if mom 'crashes', as you stated it, 911 can transport her to the hospital for a week. She'll be in good hands. ;)
Last year my elderly mom tried to sabotage my vacation, which was scheduled just a few weeks after we buried my sister-in-law. She told me "there would be time for my husband and I to vacation in the future" and she thought we should not leave. We left and made memories, and we put up wonderful photos around our house. I am so glad we took the vacation!!! Please go on your vacation!!! Your mother had a chance to live her life. My parents traveled the world and never apologized to anyone. I refuse to apologize anymore for enjoying what I have left!!
You know she is manipulating you. You know you are burned out.
As a 78 year old mother with your mother's problems, I (EYE) give you permission to go!!! She will be fine while you are gone. Your and your sister do not need to give your mother "a vote" on what you do to take care of yourself.
Enjoy your time off with your son. Maybe bring your mother a special treat from Las Vegas.
Bon Voyage!!
Your sister is going to check on mom and your son is ok with being by himself with mom for only a week then let him do that. I say the bases are covered. If she gets bad enough for the hospital, he knows the drill. She will be in there while you’re on vacation. And if that happens, the hospital knows the drill and will take care of her. Do not come running home which would accomplish nothing.
You are worrying about the "what if’s " and spoiling the fun of looking forward to your get away.
You deserve it...just keep telling yourself that. Your mom is responsible for her choices and let the chips fall where they may. You will accomplish nothing by cancelling and you will show her that she is in control. Take back your power!!
Simply put, If you don't take care of yourself, sooner or later, you'll be no good for anyone else, and the longer you put-off taking your well deserved time, the worse the repercussions become.
Try to remember that you are not responsible for your mother not taking care of herself. Do not leave yourself open to manipulation from one who disregards the personal responsibility of what is, or should be in her control, not yours.
I know what you are feeling, right now.
Please ask yourself if any of this was on your mind on your Wedding Day....
The daughter is going to be gone a very short time.
Sorry, but to me, it sounds like the mother has manipulated you, too!!
By all means and without any guilt, GO on your vacation..... you NEED it and deserve it!!
And on a daily basis at home, find something/someplace to go, if not daily, at least every couple of days when you are at home.
If the weather permits, go to a park and read a book and take earbuds/or similar and listen to music; or go to a book store that has a cafe with it and get a sandwich and read.... do things to treat yourself, ........ and do NOT tell your mother what you do on these outings, or she will try to "take it from you" by being negative and such. Enjoy Vegas!!!! (p.s. and no, NO phone calls from home while you are in Vegas.)