I think my mom is trying to sabotage my upcoming vacation. I need this because I'm experiencing caregiver burnout.
My mom is 74 years old and has congestive heart failure and COPD. She is also in remission from lung cancer and is on pain medication for herniated discs in her back. She constantly battles edema in her legs and belly and has been in the hospital 8 times last year and 3 times so far this year for respitory failure. The fluid fills her lungs and they have to put her on IV's to help diurese her.
I have been her caregiver for the last 6 years and became her paid caregiver last December. She lives with me in my home with my 2 adult sons. We all have income coming in and don't struggle financially (currently). I'm the person who stays home and cleans and cooks and does the laundry for the family as well as the caregiving responsibilities for my mom. Meds, drs appointments, scheduling home health, bathing, shopping etc.
The problem is that she is very manipulative. She is of sound mind and actually has a masters degree in Social Work. She refuses to get out of her recliner and walk or restrict her fluid intake or put her legs up so help keep the fluid out of her legs. It gradually gets worse until she is so bloated she can't breathe and she crashes. I call the ambulance and they always admit her for at least a week.
Last January my eldest son told me that he was taking me to Las Vegas in June. He purchased my plane ticket and set up all of our accommodations. My mom was released from the hospital at the end of April and I told her she needed to do everything possible to stay healthy because I'm leaving for a week. I suggested putting her in a respite home for the week and she refused. My sister offered to let my mom stay with her and my mom declined saying she doesn't need a babysitter. She is totally expecting my other son to take care of her while I'm gone. Hes ok doing this as long as she is stable. The problem is I feel like she has done everything she could to not be ok. Shes been eating a lot of salty food, drinking more fluids then she should be and not walking at all. Her legs are now huge and swollen and they are on the verge of developing cellulitis. I feel like the moment I leave, she's going to have respitory failure and she knows she hasn't done anything to prevent this. I feel angry because I've told her I'm getting burned out and I need a few days for myself. She just makes statements about how much money I'm going to waste going on a vacation. I need advice. Do I still go? Or should I cancel my vacation? My sister said she will check on my mom while I'm gone.
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Ask your sister to not call you if there is a crisis. You deserve an uninterrupted vacation.
I suspect your son knows how to dial 911 and can call your sister if needed. I hope he knows he is NOT to call you.
You pack your bags and kiss your mama good bye and wish her luck. Pull out a quarter and tell her you will play it for her.
She’s lived her life. All the trips to the ER will be pretty much the same drill until she has gone just a little too far in her self neglect. She wants to run her own life come what may. The best thing you can do is get out of the way so she can see she is hurting no one but herself.
You must stop trying to control her. She is rebelling against you. You both need a break.
Hugs
Leave instructions with your son that is she crashes, he calls 911 and has her transported to the hospital. You should consider having her admitted to rehab after she's released and consider whether she requires a different kind of caregiving than can be provided by a kind adult daughter.
In the meantime, I would remove every salty foods from the house before you depart on your vacation, so she has no access to them and request that no bad things enter the home. I would also highly recommend that your sister look after while you are gone, do that for your own peace of mind, whether she likes it or not, so you can relax and enjoy yourself, just tell her that it is not up to her, this is your much needed and deserved vacation!!! You are giving her way too much control of your life!
Go and have Fun!
Go! Actually her ending up in the hospital would work out great, everybody gets a vacation.
She doesn't get to own your entire life unless you let her. She can pout, she can self harm, her bad choices do not obligate you to be a prisoner in your own home.
Go! Have a great time. I grew up in Vegas and I have to tell you, if you are going to gamble go to the places locals go to gamble. The games are looser and you are more likely to win. Hope you hit a giant jackpot.
Your loving son, and please give him a hug and a medal and a halo and a pat on the back, has organised this trip to save you. Do not throw it back in his face.
I am deliberately not commenting on your mother's intentions, behaviour, attitude or condition because the WHOLE POINT of this exercise is that for those precious days she is SOMEONE ELSE'S problem and not yours. WHATEVER happens, there are other people on the planet and she will be looked after. Close your mind to everything about her for that defined time.
Other son, plus organising son, plus sister, plus healthcare team, plus emergency services, plus God Almighty if need be, between them can do your job.
GO. Don't you dare not go. Go.
Okay I will comment. Your mother is having a grump, combined with feeling anxious about having to do without her primary life support system/comfort blanket for a few days. If you relax, probably so will she - but she'll still be grumpy. Let her.
Folks who can't responsibly care for themselves don't get to call the shots any more than your toddlers did.
With the deliberate actions she takes of trying to ruin her health... she can’t be trusted to take care of herself. Let her know that since she is so self destructive, it’s best she be in a facility.
She will not like the suggestion, but it will go one or two ways: One, she will straighten up and quit the antics; or Two, she will go into pity mode and act as if you want to get rid of her. Remind her that this is all up to HER! Either follow doctors orders and do her part to take care of herself, or have a facility do it for her.
When she asks why you just won’t do it all as you’ve been— remind her that you are no longer able to help her if she doesn’t care for herself, and it is just too sad and painful for you to watch her do this. Or you love her too much to let her decline, and you want her to have the best care at all times, aka nurses and staff.
Last part might sound a bit dramatic, but puts the blame on her, which is where it belongs. She may play the “I don’t know what you’re talking about!” card but she knows darn well what she is doing. She now has to choose to stop playing games and stay, or keep playing them elsewhere.
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