I think my mom is trying to sabotage my upcoming vacation. I need this because I'm experiencing caregiver burnout.
My mom is 74 years old and has congestive heart failure and COPD. She is also in remission from lung cancer and is on pain medication for herniated discs in her back. She constantly battles edema in her legs and belly and has been in the hospital 8 times last year and 3 times so far this year for respitory failure. The fluid fills her lungs and they have to put her on IV's to help diurese her.
I have been her caregiver for the last 6 years and became her paid caregiver last December. She lives with me in my home with my 2 adult sons. We all have income coming in and don't struggle financially (currently). I'm the person who stays home and cleans and cooks and does the laundry for the family as well as the caregiving responsibilities for my mom. Meds, drs appointments, scheduling home health, bathing, shopping etc.
The problem is that she is very manipulative. She is of sound mind and actually has a masters degree in Social Work. She refuses to get out of her recliner and walk or restrict her fluid intake or put her legs up so help keep the fluid out of her legs. It gradually gets worse until she is so bloated she can't breathe and she crashes. I call the ambulance and they always admit her for at least a week.
Last January my eldest son told me that he was taking me to Las Vegas in June. He purchased my plane ticket and set up all of our accommodations. My mom was released from the hospital at the end of April and I told her she needed to do everything possible to stay healthy because I'm leaving for a week. I suggested putting her in a respite home for the week and she refused. My sister offered to let my mom stay with her and my mom declined saying she doesn't need a babysitter. She is totally expecting my other son to take care of her while I'm gone. Hes ok doing this as long as she is stable. The problem is I feel like she has done everything she could to not be ok. Shes been eating a lot of salty food, drinking more fluids then she should be and not walking at all. Her legs are now huge and swollen and they are on the verge of developing cellulitis. I feel like the moment I leave, she's going to have respitory failure and she knows she hasn't done anything to prevent this. I feel angry because I've told her I'm getting burned out and I need a few days for myself. She just makes statements about how much money I'm going to waste going on a vacation. I need advice. Do I still go? Or should I cancel my vacation? My sister said she will check on my mom while I'm gone.
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And I hope you had/are having a fantastic vacation!
Going on vacation is NOT wasting money, it is taking time for you to re-charge your batteries. If you don't go, you will end up resenting her, and that won't be good for either of you.
Go, even if she lands in the hospital. Turn off you phone while you are gone and don't let what happens at home interfere with your time to take care of yourself.
When my granny was dying, my mother had a trip to Europe scheduled. My granny and mother ended up realizing that my mother needed to go, and made a deal that she would go regardless of what happened at home. It was the best bargain they had ever made because it showed a lot of love and care on my granny's part toward my mother! As it turned out, my granny passed two days before my mother was to leave, but I firmly believe that my mother would have gotten on that plane even if I had to drag her to the airport - she needed time away from the stress!!
So, take care of you first. The rest will fall into place.
But your body needs to get away to recharge even tho your mind unfortunately probably wont let you rest much.
It also kills me that she's in such bad shape when 74 seems so young to me. I know you don't want to end up that way, so it's absolutely imperative that you TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
That said, give the kids and your sister a list of numbers, insurance cards, etc.
If she goes into the hospital, she'll be cared for there as well.
STOP ENABLING HER with buying inappropriate foods - if she wants them then she must organize it herself .... meaning she will need to get up & go to the store and/or pay someone to pick things up for her - make sure family members aren't doing so either - so she needs to get an outside source to do this - call the taxi people that she may not have the money to pay for pick up & delivery so that they will only do so when she ponies the money up front - more than this you can't do
Have a nice break & don't forget to have your hair, nails & a massage done - kudos to your son for organizing it for you - go & turn off your cell phone so that she can only contact you by the front deck
Make the plans for respite, she will be fine there, don’t let her control you, you have to have this break!!! Enjoy!!
You need to go on your vacation, enjoy it to the fullest and turn your phone off. We all need a vacation from our daily lives sometimes and we all deserve to enjoy it. You should leave your sister and son in charge of your mom and everything will be as it is meant to be. Good luck!
She'll probably still be there when you get back, and staying home won't change a thing. You have little say or control over what people do unless they are incompetent, but you do have control over yourself. She's trying to do the guilt trip on you! Don't allow it! Take a vaycay!